By the time I turned twenty-two years old, I had spent nineteen years in school. Only the last two were by choice, but I would have gone even if I didn’t have to go. I love to learn new things, and I was a good student. I present my third grade, first quarter report card as evidence:
I’m not really a great student anymore. I do still love to learn, but I’m no longer very conscientious. Yet there are things I would like to learn, if I had the time, talent and motivation.
I also included the probability of actually learning them, on a very official scale of 1-10.
1 = I’m more likely to sprout wings than learn how to do this, and 10 = I can definitely learn this if I actually focus for more than seven minutes.
1. How to text with my thumbs. I text with my pointer fingers, and it drives my daughter nuts. She says I would be much more efficient using my thumbs; I say I would make even more mistakes that my phone would auto correct. Probability: 6
2. How to parallel park. I learned for my driver’s test, but I took forever to get in the damn spot. I got points off for taking so long; any longer and I would have failed. I will only park at the curb if there are two spots open; then I have plenty of room to swoop in. Probability: 3
3. How to whistle. My mother-in-law used to call her boys home for dinner with that finger-in-the-mouth, piercing whistle. I’m lucky if any sound comes out at all. And whistling a tune? Forget it – I have one note in my repertoire. Probability: 1
4. How to figure out the iCloud. Are my photos on my phone, my iPad, or my cloud? I can never figure out where they are, and I just don’t understand the iCloud. I’m about to drink the Kool Aid and buy a Mac, and I’m considering taking a class at the Apple store. This mortifies my daughter, of course, and solidifies my status as “old fart.” Probability: 8.5
5. How to use my camera the way it should be used. I have a nice camera, but I need to take the time to learn how to use it beyond the auto settings. I fiddle with the aperture and shutter speed, but I’m really just guessing. I’m determined to get better, though. Of course I’ve been saying that for a year. Probability: 8, or more realistically, 7
6. How to make salmon they way they do in restaurants. Anytime I order salmon, it’s crispy on the outside and moist on the inside. When I cook it, it’s either crispy and dry or soft and mushy. I know it has something to do with searing it, but that sounds too difficult for me. Probability: 6.5
7. How to speak another language fluently. Four years of instruction weren’t enough; I should have studied abroad. I hope my kids do; being bilingual would be amazing. Probability: 1
8. How to sing well. I know people take singing lessons, but I do believe you must have some natural talent to begin with. So as much as I would love to belt it out on Broadway, I just don’t have the pipes. Probability: -37
9. How to use chopsticks. Even after receiving instruction from the waitress in Japan (as in Disney’s Epcot Japan), I still can’t pick up anything without dropping it on the way to my mouth. But I refuse to use a fork to eat sushi, and hopefully one day my fingers will figure out what to do. Probability: 5
10. How to guzzle a beer. I can’t do it without foam and ale dribbling down my chin and neck. I once donned one of those beer helmets with the tubes coming out from either side that you put in your mouth. I almost drowned. Probability: 2.5
What would you like to learn? Can you teach me how to do any of these ten things?
1. Do not use your pointer finger to text! You’re making us old farts look bad. Use your thumbs only, and you’ll get the hang of it in a day or so.
2. I drive one of the huge SUV’s and I can whip that puppy into a parallel space in no time flat. I think it has to do with driving huge farm equipment as a kid. My tip: Buy a car with the automatic parallel parking button.
4. When you figure out iCloud, teach me, then drink the Kool Aid and buy a Mac. You’ll wonder how you ever used a PC.
6. Rub a tiny bit of olive oil on your salmon, sprinkle with kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper. Broil on high on top shelf for ten minutes. That’s it. You’re welcome. 🙂
1. I know, I know! I’ll try.
2. I drive a big SUV too; my next car will have a button.
4. I did buy a Mac, and I love it. I’m still learning where everything is.
6. Thank you!!
I also need to figure out the iCloud. I have an iPhone but a PC for my laptop. I need to figure out how to coordinate the two so I can dump some of the photos from my phone memory and free up some room. If that’s actually how it works. Who knows?
Thumb texting is where it’s at, though. I’m crazy fast, and yes, I make a ton of mistakes, but I was worse when I texted with my pointer fingers.
Love your list!
Ok, I’m definitely going to make the switch to thumb texting. But I don’t think I’ll ever figure out the iCloud…
This list cracks me up, Dana!! I avoid parallel parking at all costs and my beer accomplishment is being able to finish one while it’s still cold! No guzzling for me, I’m a real sipper!!
Me too – and I usually don’t finish before it gets warm. I’m more a vodka/gin gal anyway.
Number 10 is our favorite!! BWAH HA HA HA! That was Ashley’s talent in college! 😉 Lisa can totally teach you how to sing!-The Dose Girls
Do your talents never end? You gals are impressive.
I <3 this list and I kinda feel like we are twins separated at birth. I use to be a massively talented thumb texter on my beoved LG Cosmos but when I was forced to upgrade to a smart phone I lost my skills. I cannot parallel park and will drive around forever to avoid it. I do not even really understand what icloud is. I do know how to guzzle a beer and make delicious salmon though.
Excellent – I will have you over for dinner and you can teach me how to do both. And you can pull into my driveway so parking isn’t a problem!
I have a friend who vows to learn one new thing every year. This year its “how to sharpen knives”. Coincidentally, I also want to learn how to do the two-fingers-in-your-mouth-piercing-whistle thing. I also have a relatively nice camera, and I decided to take a class so that I, too, could produce Ansel Adams quality photographs. It was interesting, but nothing I didn’t already know. Really I think it just comes down to practicing and playing around. That’s the beauty of digital cameras – instant feedback! Remember the days of sending off the film and waiting a week to get it back… and then you have no clue what shutter speed or aperture you used! Finally… I just recently “drank the Kool-Aid”, and I have to say that I love it. I went to one class at the Apple store, and it was really mind-numbingly basic and general. Whenever I asked a more specific question they just told me that I could sign up for a one-on-one class (at $100 a pop). I decided Google was far more cost effective, and so far I’ve found everything I need. Me? I want to learn how to swim and breathe at the same time without spazzing out. I can do both independently, but coordinating the two eludes me!!! Good luck with your list!!!
Thanks, Ginny. I appreciate you telling me about the class at the Apple Store – I will skip that and rely on Google and my teenager. Knife sharpening? That is a skill I never even considered needing. My knives get accidentally tossed in the trash long before they are in need of sharpening.
I’ve always wondered how people do that whistle! I can whistle though and sometimes I can whistle a tune somewhat. 🙂 Salmon like this is pretty tasty! I don’t think mine ever comes out that way either! I think I like to broil it though. Not sure if that’s the best way. Perhaps pan seared is better. I do usually like my salmon, but the restaurant style would be nice to make. I can’t believe you text with your finger. I can’t imagine. If it’s easier and works for you, carry on! 🙂
You are a thumb texter too, Brittnei? I really need to learn. I’m not doing well with my fingers. And Kenya told me how to broil the salmon, so I’m going to try that next time!
Oh my goodness #4 and #9. I feel like if I could learn those it might be life changing 🙂
I’m sure Apple would like you to think the iCloud is life changing, Tricia!
Great list! I can’t understand the icloud either and I avoid parallel parking at all costs. I’d like to get better at photography and I’d like to understand Google+ and Twitter. All of those require technological help and I feel like my brain just turns off at even the smallest mention of those kinds of things! 🙂
I’ve tried to learn Google+, but I just can’t invest more time in another form of social media! My brain will explode.
i have no idea what the cloud is and it frightens me – so maybe we can learn together – texting with the thumbs or not I had no idea this was an issue – as long as you get the end result does it matter how it’s done… parallel parking is not easy I know I lived in Brooklyn with a very small car and because of alternate side parking i did learn to get into some tough spots but I am so glad that is behind me – agreed just give me the extra space too. Great post
Thanks Marisa! I agree with you about the texting, but apparently using your thumbs is the only acceptable way. According to my teen, who knows everything.
I bet that those young starlets who had their “selfies in their birthday suit” photos stolen from the Cloud wish that they had taken a class at the Apple Store!
I am determined to become more adept at speaking French. That is to say, I’m determined to be able to speak French at an advanced-beginner level. Someday!
I helped Gwen with her Spanish homework last night and I remembered more than I thought I would. It’s the speaking that throws me for a loop – I can only use the present tense and I’m sure I sound like a moron.
I can’t help you with any of that. I’m not too good at your list either. I want to learn how to be more organized. Actually I want someone to wave a magic wand at me, organize the house, and then make me magically have the skills to keep it that way. Probability: 0
If only, Michelle!
Everything seems possible, except the iCloud. We’re paying for invisible space, right?
When you put it that way, Nina, it sounds even more ridiculous!
The -37 made me laugh out loud, Dana. This list is fantastic and I would choose several of them, too. I took French all through high school but can barely speak it now. The singing thing…do you sing in the shower or your car? Because we all sound good there, we have to or I’m seriously deluding myself. I’m in on any camera class with Kristi, Tamara, Michelle, Tara and you…that would be an absolute blast. We might only get hilarious photos of us all trying to chug beers (ginger ale for Tamara, lol) but it would be so worth it.
I sound fabulous in the shower and the car, Steph. And yes, that class would be a blast – can we make that happen?
Ahahaha! Enjoyed reading this. Great that you included a probability. LOL with texting using your index fingers?! I don’t know how to whistle. I’m using Dropbox and not Cloud. And so amazing that you still keep your 3rd grade report card! 😉
Oh, I have all of them, Rea. My mom saved everything! Not me, I toss half my kids’ stuff because I’m a bad, bad mom.
I can’t parallel park either and I don’t see myself learning anytime soon. I just drive around until I find a spot!
That’s what I do too, Kate! It’s working so far.
That picture looks fantastic! I still text with my fingers, and I don’t think I’ve ever successfully parallel parked 🙂
You must have at least once for your driver’s test, right? That totally stressed me out.
On the parking, when it’s time for that lesson for your daughter from the REAL driving instructor, go along! I did (3 times now) and was pleased to be able to parallel park in Spain this spring. Might not have been PRETTY, but it was a rental car, stick shift, and a very small spot, on a hill, I might add. I could connect you with some Spanish or German!
Ooh – we are thinking of going to Spain next summer – I may have to pick your brain! I don’t think my daughter would appreciate me tagging along for her lesson, but I may just consider it. Thanks for the tip, Sarah!
HaHa – my favorite is how to guzzle beer! Once we did one of those crazy kamikaze shots (or something like that) where you do the shot and then chase it with a beer – it took me way longer than everyone else to finish!! Oh, well!!!
I’m with you on parallel parking – never learned and have no desire to at this point!!!
Me neither – I rarely need to do it anyway. I’d much rather learn something else more fun…
2, 3, 4, 7, 8 – YES. I could have written these! So astonishing to have that in common.
I can’t whistle well or snap my fingers. I can’t sing well.
I haven’t parallel parked since San Francisco living. And before that was probably my driver’s test!
I’m certain I don’t use my camera to its fullest ability either! I don’t make videos with it.
But you use it so well for photos! I just need to invest the time. I won’t be a professional, but I could certainly be better than I am now. At least there’s a possibility; singing well will never, ever happen.
If you learn #7-9, please teach me! I would love to speak another language, sing (although agree that some natural talent is necessary), and to use chopsticks (which my hubby has attempted to teach me multiple times). Oh, and texting with my thumbs – I’d like to learn that, too. I’ve tried and there were so many typos that even autocorrect couldn’t fix them all! 🙂 Love your list and glad you linked up!
Matt has attempted to teach me how to use chopsticks too – he has to reteach me every time we have sushi. And I still suck. I will work on the texting though – if for no other reason than to stop embarrassing my daughter!
Love that you included your report card as proof! I’m with you on many of these, especially number 2. Parking in the city would be so much easier if I could parallel park, but as of today it is so not happening.
Yep, I don’t think it’s happening for me either.
Awesome list, Dana! I could teach you to use chopsticks (we learned in 1st grade by practicing eating dry cereal from Styrofoam cups every day to prepare for a field trip to a traditional Japanese restaurant). My brother thought I was going to Japan so I ended up in trouble b/c I tried to sneak him on the trip. I could also offer to teach you to guzzle a beer but probably not. If you didn’t learn in high school, oops I mean college, then likely too late. Um. I took four years of French. And don’t know it. At all really. Buy a Mac! They’re so much better!
I’d like to learn to love running. And to make salmon like they do in restaurants, and I so have been thinking of taking a photography class.
If we lived a little closer, we could take a photography class together. But I think we’d goof off too much. Yes, I think the guzzling ship has sailed, but that’s okay. I don’t really like beer anyway, unless I’m eating crabs.
I love this list, Dana! Lets see now, I am right with you on 3, 7, and 8. I can cook salmon, it is all in the sear, baby! The Shitastrophy has beer guzzling on lock! Do what she says! I have an iMac and iPhone and I even paid for an extra year of hands-on help when I bought the iMac but not once did I use those classes. So my electronic files are scattered all about the interwebz. I can’t help you learn anything but I can hang out with you and guzzle beer some time.
It’s a date, Pattie! Maybe after that we’ll be able to figure out the iCloud. 🙂
Girl- you should see how badly I text with my thumbs!! I swear every single time I text- because dammit, the words are SO WRONG!! It takes me forever to send a simple text due to my fat thumbs apparently. Stay with your pointers!! I may try it too! lol
I remember doing beer bongs in college. Have you tried those? <— I can't believe I am encouraging you to try beer bongs. If you do? You MUST VLOG IT!!!!
And? I think it's so adorable that you STILL have your third grade report card!!
My mom saved everything – I have all of my reports from preschool to college. And I am familiar with beer bongs, but I have never tried to use one. Seriously, I would drown.
I wish I were bilingual in a second language. I’m pretty good at Spanish, but every time I use it for a long time then I don’t seem to use it again for years, so I lose some of it. Boo! Eve will hopefully be bilingual in English & Russian, as her dad and one set of grandparents are native speakers 🙂
That would be wonderful! I have a friend from Spain who only talks to her kids in Spanish, and they are completely fluent. What a gift to give your children!
Please tell me there’s a photo of you in the beer helmet. And that you’ll post it.
No photo – this was way before smartphones, fortunately. Sorry!
I can teach you the beer one – the first key is use a bottled beer. It will go down smoother. Have that baby ICE COLD. Now before drinking the beer go do some yard work on a hot humid day, really stick with it till you are sweating and mad. Then pop the cap, give it a few seconds to let the carbonation rise to the top. Tilt your head back and drink. You will have to break halfway through it for air, and possibly to mortify your beloved with a huge belch. Then finish it off. Ta da. Oh and don’t drink a domestic beer bc they have a ton more carbonation, go with a nice IPA – I like Sierra Nevada.
What an excellent tutorial! The closest I’ve come to guzzling is when I eat steamed crabs. I will try your technique next time – thanks!
Number 4 made me LOL! Where the heck are my pictures? I’m constantly searching as well. Some are on one computer. Some are on the other. Some are on my phone. Icloud seems to be the answer and I’m trying to learn more about it as well. Good luck to both of us! 🙂
I spent about 20 minutes last night trying to find the pics from my iPad on my laptop – they should be there! Why aren’t they on my cloud? Ugh.
Like you I love to learn! Frank knows how to use chop sticks (and he taught the kids) but I am a lost cause. I can however teach you how to guzzle beer (should I “brag” about that?) and I can give you lessons in Italian, Croatian, or German. (I don’t recommend Croatian though, unless you are hell bent on twisting your tongue with our impossible cases and words that may or may not have vowels) I suck at driving in general so can’t help you with parallel parking!
How wonderful to know four languages, Ana Lynn! I’d rather know that than how to parallel park any day.
I can only do two out of ten on your list. I’m fairly good with chop sticks and I kick ass at parallel parking – as proven last summer in downtown Detroit with my brand new Suburban!. Oh, I did the sidewalk happy dance, much to the mortification of the children. I would love to learn ______________ about blogging. I have never felt more stupid than in this very confusing blogging world (mostly to do with technical stuff). Going to a few conferences this fall, so maybe there’s hope for me.
Parallel parking with a Suburban? That’s talent! And please share what you learn at the blogging conferences – I would love to learn more in that area too!
How original that you included probabilities with your list; I laughed out loud! The variety of your interests is great 🙂
I suppose it is, Tiffany. Maybe that’s why I haven’t learned how to do any of these things – I’m spreading myself too thin!
I can’t text with my thumbs, either. I tried to do it (as my daughter also made fun of me), but it just ended up looking like a drunk monkey got a hold of my phone. It was not good. I think I’ll be stuck with using my pointer finger forever.
I’m hoping I’ll get used to it with practice – my daughter insists that it’s easier. Darn kids.
I love that you included your report card here from 3rd grade and was smiling from that opening through your whole list with probabilities included. Dana, I am with you on more then a few of these myself and especially not sure I will ever be able to sing well. As Kevin puts it, “Somewhere a dog is crying when I attempt to sing!”
When I attempt to sing, I’m sure all the dogs run for cover!
I love to learn! To my detriment because I am usually reading three books at once and testing out new skills which then over taxes my brain! I took a personality test of sorts to find out what my strengths were and my biggest strength was as a learner. I would definitely want to learn how to use my DSLR better but it is always way too confusing. Need to get a private lesson from Michelle or Tamara!
How cool would that be? Although we may get a little too chatty and distracted. But it would be very fun.
I said “oh my” and had to agree with your daughter on texting and the mac class. I can’t text with both thumbs if I turn my phone landscape but I am speedy with one thumb. I could teach you about iCloud, how to make salmon (mine is so good I don’t order it out), and how to use chopsticks. We were stationed in Japan for three years and that’s when I finally learned. I could kick myself for not trying sushi until I got back to the states though.
Please share your salmon secret! I did find a simple recipe on your blog – is that all you do? I’m sure I would screw it up, but I’m willing to try.
Yep it’s that simple. I think I’ve only written about Salmon once. But in the comments someone mentioned broiling it, so that’s what I do for the most part now. Broil on high for like 12 to 14 minutes and it’s perfect – crispy on the top. Season however you like. It’s such a easy meal, I wish my boys were as easy to please as me 😉
I will give it a try – thanks!
Dana, this is AWESOME! This might be one of my favourite lists of yours, you li’l learner, you! That’s a great report card, and I can’t help but notice you were giving the 4th graders a run for their money 🙂
I can help you with precisely NONE of those things, but recommend that you learn to text with thumbs as a priority, and then use chopsticks properly as your next go. Make it fun – have little races with yourself, challenge yourself to eat things like chocolate chips or jellybeans with them, and set a time limit, so you can have AS MUCH AS YOU CAN EAT…with chopsticks, in that time – MUCH bigger motivation to learn then, you see.
I would LOVE to learn a foreign language until I become fluent. I think in spite of the forever-animosity between GB and France, I would like to learn French just because it’s such a beautiful language to hear spoken. Which language would you like to learn?
I would love to speak fluently in Spanish. I took five years of it in high school and college, but I could always understand better than I could speak. And in the States, it is quickly approaching English as the most spoken language. Definitely a very marketable skill to have.
And if I can practice chopsticks with m&m’s, I will be a pro in no time!