On the last day of religious school every year, our congregation participates in Mitzvah Day. “Mitzvah” primarily means “commandment,” but it also refers to acts of human kindness – good deeds.
It’s a lovely facility, and we entered the second floor lounge area to find almost a dozen residents waiting for us. The staff pulled over chairs so that we could sit down and chat. My husband, sister, and brother-in-law immediately picked a resident and started talking, and I tried to do the same. The kids hung back a bit, unsure how to initiate conversation with these strangers.
It was awkward, but I persevered. I asked about their families, where they were from, how the food was. I watched my kids sidle up to a trio of women, relying on one another for support. Soon they were talking animatedly about their lives. My nephew, always comfortable with adults, chatted with one of the two men in the room, learning about his days in the war. My niece, at eight years old the youngest of the kids, was the subject of oohs and aahs. I could see her discomfort, but she smiled shyly as she hovered near her family.
We had quite the debriefing in the car on the way back to temple. We laughed at the wry and witty things some of the residents said, and we sadly remarked on how many times things were repeated by the residents suffering from dementia. My husband regretted asking one woman how she liked the facility, as she responded tearfully that she was unhappy and missed her home.
This experience was an uncomfortable one for me. We performed a mitzvah; the kids in particular provided a diversion for these residents whose days must stretch on and on. I’m glad we did it, but I did not enjoy being faced with my own mortality.
Growing Old – Do I Have To?
These men and women were my age once; they were young and vital. They could care for themselves, and their memories were intact. I do not think about growing old often; I’m too caught up in the here and now. But on this day I was forced to think about it – time marches on for all of us. Will I be one of these women in 40 years? Will I be unable to care for myself? Will my children have to move me to a new home, and will they visit me?
These are fears I rarely address, yet this visit brought them to the surface. My body is aging, but it is still strong. My mind and memory are sharp. I don’t want to lose them – they are the essence of me.
Growing old is a different process for each individual. There are elderly folks both better and worse off than the men and women we visited. I know that the kids initially only saw the wrinkles, the tremors, the walkers and the wheelchairs. But they engaged and they connected, and I hope they saw beyond the aging package to the true person inside. Because some day, that person will be their mommy.
Hey Dana. So nice to meet another member of The Tribe. Your post really resonated with me because at 47, I find myself thinking about these exact things quite a bit … especially when my MIL works on my last nerve. I usually remember AFTER the fact that one day, I’ll probably be working on my DIL’s last nerve. I’d like to think that with all we know about healthful eating, healthful lifestyle habits, exercise, disease management, etc, that perhaps I’ll be fortunate to age with more grace and less senility. Then again, I drink a lot of Diet Coke, so all bets may be off! GREAT Post!
Thanks so much, Norine. I’d like to think I’ll age with grace and a sound mind, but you never know. I try not to think about it too much, but that visit just brought all those worries to the surface. And I think Diet Coke may actually help ward off senility 🙂
Wow, Dana, this was very hard for me to read. We had to put my mom in a nursing home this year and it has been just awful. I actually started blogging as a way to find something fun and creative to think about instead of all the sadness (and guilt). It is so hard to watch my mom in her current state and I would be lying if I said that I didn’t think about my future self when I visit her. I will say that it was a wonderful thing you did by visiting these people. So many never get visitors and it really does make their day.
Kim, I’m so sorry my post hit so close to home for you. I can only imagine how difficult it must be for you – my heart goes out to you and your mom.
Thank you for the service you offered them. My grandma was in an assisted living facility for a few years. She spoke fondly of people who visited and told me how they lifted her spirits. You did a good thing, even if it was hard. And what a wonderful example you set for your children.
My mom is struggling these days and I am spending a lot of time driving her around and getting her to appointments. I spend way too much time worrying that I will be like her. I don’t mind growing older so much, I just don’t want to be crazy and bothersome to my family. It can be a scary thought.
Thanks for sharing your story.
I’m more worried about my mind failing than my body. And I agree, I don’t want my family to feel like I am some crazy old lady who they are obligated to care for in her old age. Thanks for stopping by!
I think about this often when I’m around the elderly–it’s so easy to see them as they are in the moment and not to realize all the adventures and memories and lives leading up to the now. I hope I can teach our kids (and myself be better) about interacting and humanizing the elderly.
You’re right, Kirsten – it is easy to just see elderly people as who they are now. I hope visiting and interacting with the residents showed my kids that the elderly should be celebrated and honored. Thanks for reading!
What a great post! I’m currently writing a book about two women who are at the ends of their lives, and they go through similar emotions. Your post rang true.
Thank you, Dana. Sounds like it will be a great book!
I used to be so afraid to visit my great-grandpa in the home. Even at ages six and seven, the idea that I would be there someday terrified me.
I wonder if my kids felt that fear? I’ll have to ask them.
It’s really so scary. My grandmother is 99 and in assisted living. She lived her life so well – happily and healthily and actively – and now her reward is long life. Yet she has trouble seeing and hearing, and going to the bathroom. Her husband of over 70 years passed away at 100 last year. Sometimes I wonder what is best in life, and how is best to end up.
Wow – you have good family genes for longevity! Becoming a widow is an area I didn’t even want to touch one – that to me is scarier than growing old.
What a wonderful thing to do all together as a family. I know this wasn’t exactly the point of your piece, but it is so important to take ourselves out of our comfort zone, especially to care for others. And I hear you completely, growing old seems to be more bitter than sweet.
Getting out of your comfort zone was initially the point of my piece, but it ended up going somewhere completely different. Thanks for reading, Kristin!
This experience was an illustration of how in life we must face the darkness and the light to appreciate the now. You did a very good job at communicating that…as always.
Thank you, Jean – I really appreciate that. Sometimes I struggle to get all these thoughts in my head onto the screen so that they make sense. I’m glad they did this time.
Dana,
This really touched a nerve for me. I worry about aging a lot – mostly because without a crystal ball, I do not know how functional Tucker will be as he ages. I’m already an older mother and well…anyway. Your last line gave me chills and a smile. Excellent writing, and you’re so right to teach your children now to see past the tremors and walkers and wrinkles. What a wonderful family experience.
I can imagine that you have another layer of worry with Tucker. I hate the uncertainty – not knowing what the future will bring. Thanks for your kind words 🙂
and god-willing, that person will be them. we always say aging ain’t for the weak. it’s very hard to see. we did the same thing earlier this year and it was both gratifying and extremely depressing. the reality of life’s end is not pretty. so we must appreciate and do our best for others. so good for your family that you went. so so hard to see.
It is hard to see. My kids joked and said I better be nice to them because they’ll be taking care of me – I just hope that if I need to be taken care of, they will do it.
Aging can definitely be a chilling thought. Everyone says “age gracefully” but I wonder if there’s a point where that isn’t possible. How does one handle dementia with grace?
Physical aging can be done gracefully, but when the mind goes, that’s a whole different ball game.
Thanks for making me cry. This is a topic I try so hard to avoid. My mom is really stressing about that right now. She’s a very young and energetic 74, but she sees herself declining and is really scared. I try to tell her not to worry, but it is inevitable isn’t it? Just yesterday the boy said, “Mom, I want to die from old age, in my sleep.” I couldn’t have said it better.
Wise little man. Sorry for making you cry – I try to avoid it too, but the visit forced me to think about it. So of course I had to write about it. My mom worries too, and I made her cry with this post as well.
You definitely made some old people very happy that day. I am just hoping I drop dead before having to be put in one of those homes. They are just not happy places.
I hear you – I hope the same thing.
I also think about my own parents, who are in their 70’s. They are still active and healthy and live in their own home, surrounded by help. I would love that this continue, but there is always the chance of a fall, or an illness, or something else. It’s not pleasant to be so far away at such times.
I can imagine it would be hard to live far from an aging parent, Roshni. I hope your parents’ good health continues for a long time!
If only we could stop the clock at that perfect moment. 🙂 What a nice thing to do! Assisted living centers get lonely for so many.
If only… Thanks for reading, Crystal!
I have to remember not to put my make-up on before I read your blogs! This was another tear provoking blog for many reasons. The thought of being one of those residents is very frightening to me…..unless I won’t know where I am! Then it is terrible for my family. Unfortunately, since I am a generation older than you these thoughts do enter my mind more frequently than I’d like. I try to enjoy the here and now (children and grandchildren certainly help) so when these thoughts come to mind I try to dismiss them quickly. I think it is a great thing that the Temple does “mitzvah day” and that you and your family participate. You made some old people very happy!
Don’t worry, your family will take care of you! xoxo
Growing old doesn’t scare me much. But the does the prospects of languishing into a far inferior being very different from me is disturbing. Then again it’s a complete package where sometimes the pros are more than cons!
It was good thing you did – thought provoking while being a very good deed for older people. I loved every bit of your post.
I agree with you – it’s becoming a different person that scares me more than the physical aspects of aging. Thanks for reading!
I think about this a lot lately because my grandmother has been more sad than usual. All her friends are passing away- I can’t begin to think about this happening. I don’t want to get old!
I remember my grandmother feeling that way when she was losing her friends. I just pray that all of mine take good care of themselves and live a long long time!
argh this is SO tough. my grandmother just passed away 2 months ago. she would’ve been 89 this coming up Monday. she fortunately still lived in her own home, with my mom as her caregiver. she had congestive heart failure so we knew the end was near. still it was SO VERY HARD to watch. and know. 🙁 and the days went on and on for her. I was fortunate to be able to visit once, sometimes twice a week. I was there for her last breath. I hope that gave her some comfort, because I also know how alone she felt. aside from my mom who lived there and my visits, she had nobody stop by other than Hospice at the end. it was so hard and I really dislike my extended family for not taking more time out of their lives to visit with her just one more time. my dad will be 80 in October. he moved into an independent place that can become assisted living in need be. he hates it. he’s so lonely. he’s the youngest and he really doesn’t NEED to be there but he’s got nobody b/c I have 3 yo and my siblings never visit. ugh. sorry for the novella… point is that yeah, growing old is for the birds and I absolutely dread it. 🙁
I’m sorry about your grandmother, Christina, and I’m sorry your dad is hating where he is. Hopefully he will meet someone who is as independent as he is; it just takes one friend to make the situation much more tolerable. But you’re right – growing old can suck.
I used to visit senior centers, and I went to the home of one woman in particular as part of a program to connect seniors with area teens. She was a wonderful soul. I loved her so much. I wanted to collect all their stories and hold them close. I wanted to listen to the joys and heartbreaks of their lives. I wanted them to show me what the world was like as they remembered it. But I recognize that discomfort. I always felt it too. It wasn’t so much a fear of growing old for me as it was a reminder of how many stories are lost. For every word I collected, three more vanished forever from the speaker’s heart.
So true…what made me the most sad was seeing the women I spoke with struggle to remember. My kids have had school projects where they had to interview a grandparent, and it was a wonderful chance for them to hear stories and pass the memories to the next generation.
I love that your family participates in Mitzvah day together – such a beautiful ritual for building family and community.
It is, Karen – and it’s so easy to let other things get in the way. My kids moan and groan about it, but every year they are glad they did it.
I think many people don’t want to become a burden and start planning for their older years earlier in life. I know quite a few people who have already made plans to move into an independent living facility and then an assisted living facility when and if the time ever comes. Life is so busy and no one wants to feel like a burden.
I don’t know anyone who has planned ahead like that, but I can see why one would want to make plans – it would lessen the burden on their kids should the time come.
I busted out in tears while I read your post. I sometimes think about that. Who I will be when my son goes off into the world. Will he care about me? Will he visit me?
My father’s neighbor, who he is very close to, treats him like a son. Her own two sons rarely call or care about her. she shouldn’t be driving or living on her own, but my father takes care of her. I shudder to think that my son could just wash his hands of me when I am older.
I love my parents and after all they have done for me, I couldn’t just forget about them. What would I do without them?
I know, Karen. We just have to hope that our children will take care of us if it comes to that.
I want to be half the fun crazy character that my Bachi was! I will embrace the privilege to say what I think, not what I should. And will spoil and treasure my grandchildren.
Those are perks to getting old, Lisa. I’ll have to concentrate on the positive things – thanks for the reminder!
My plan is to already now start acting completely crazy: refering to myself in third person, telling war stories that never actually happened, calling my future children by famous celebrity names, repeating the same phrases regardless of the context.
It’s a win-win: I get to have fun now and nobody will notice the difference when my mind is finally gone!
That sounds like an excellent plan, Daniel. Let me know how that works out for you 🙂
I’m sure we will be very happy, just like that time we slew the dragon with an elastic band. ROBOCOP! Did we mention we slew a dragon once?
I never saw Robocop. But do you remember slaying the dragon? Ok – we need to stop now 🙂
Every once in awhile, I will catch myself thinking a bit about what you felt above and truly just scares me ever so slightly. I saw all my grandparents age and pass on. And my parents are now getting older, too. Someday this will be me and just hope that I will not suffer too much and not lose all of who I am in process. Well, now that I depressed myself this morning, let me continue on!
Sorry, Janine – I know it’s not an upbeat post, but I needed to process the experience. Go read a funny blog and shake it off ! 🙂
This is something that makes me sad to think about. It will be hard to get to the point where I can no longer care for myself…I would think it would be so much more of a comfort to live with a family member when that time comes. But it’s not always possible. It was a nice thing that your family did! I am sure the residents there greatly appreciated it!
It makes me sad too, Michelle – that’s why I try not to think about it too much. I’m sure the family members feel some guilt for not having their loved ones home with them, but you are right – that’s not always possible.