I grew up hearing stories of Happily Ever After. Most little girls do. And after the princess and fairytale phase, adolescent girls full of teenage angst read books of first love, and watch romantic comedies where the girl always gets the guy.
And then…
There is no “and then.” The book ends, the movie ends, and the assumption is that the couple lives happily ever after. Everything will always be as it is in the beginning, when love is new and exciting.
I have a theory. I think that Happily Ever After causes many divorces. A bride and groom begin a marriage believing that love will conquer all. All the work is done after the wedding day, and they just have to sit back and enjoy the ride.
Then the bride grows and changes. The groom grows and changes. And if the marriage doesn’t grow and change with them, it will have a hard time surviving. Marriages must evolve to thrive; a stagnant union will sputter and die.
I have marriage on the brain because tomorrow Matt and I will celebrate our nineteenth anniversary. And by celebrate, I mean pass like ships in the night as we take the kids to practices and games. So I’ve created a list of 19 tips for a healthy marriage, with help from friends and family. None of us are experts, but wisdom does come with experience. Between all of us, there is plenty – over 215 years of matrimony!
1. Have your spouse’s back, no matter what. You are a team, and you have to stick together.
2. Sometimes it’s okay to go to bed angry. If you reach a point where any words said will be hurtful, sleep on that hurt. It may seem much less important in the light of a new day.
3. Keep the spark in the bedroom, and spend time apart. Laugh a lot. Pick your battles. –Mandi
4. Both spouses have to be independent, whole people who just so happen to compliment each other. And laugh together. A lot. –Beth
5. Hold hands.
6. Be loving, patient, kind and forgiving… you could one day need forgiveness too. And always try to laugh it out. -Jenny
7. Trust, communication, WARMTH, intimacy, and being on the same page and on each other’s side. –Tamara
8. Be the one who laughs first and laughs loudest at his jokes. No matter how many times you’ve heard them. In other words: men need a number one fan and you gotta make sure he knows it’s you. –Ellen
9. Be silly together. Have inside jokes.
10. Let silly grudges go, remember little details, and never trash talk your spouse in public. –Nicole
11. Communication and a sense of humor. (Perseverance, too!) Tell your spouse how you feel, listen to one another, and learn from the dialogue. – Lynne (my mom)
12. Tell your husband how handsome he is on a regular basis. The older he gets, the more frequently you should remind him. -Laura
13. The key to a happy marriage is putting your partner’s needs and wants above your own. -Melissa’s husband
To clarify, the “your” is the wife. This was on an email chain, and the other women quickly responded with:
14. The key is making your partner think that your needs are his needs. -My wise and witty friends
15. Talk as much as you can, when you can. It doesn’t have to be about feelings – general small talk is also important. Talk about anything and everything that comes to mind. It builds a bond and a connection. -Ana Lynn
16. Love, respect, compromise and sense of humor. –Rose, my mother-in-law
17. Honesty & communication always! –Lisa
18. Have as much fun as you can, even in everyday things. -Matt (my husband)
19. Be better with your spouse than without, but don’t be defined by him or her. “The two shall become one” is a lovely sentiment, but you are still two individuals. One marriage, two people. All three need to be cared for and nurtured in order to stay healthy and strong.
Did you notice how often laughing, having fun, and a sense of humor were mentioned? I did – eight times. Two of those were my mother and my mother-in-law, who have each been married for over 45 years. Enough said.
Thank you to everyone who shared their advice with me! Do you have any to add?
First of all, HAPPY ANNIVERSARY! Nineteen years…wow. That’s awesome!
I definitely agree humor (and having a sense of one) is important in a marriage. Despite all the BS my husband and I have been through in our 3.5 years of marriage we’ve still managed to laugh at everything from toilet humor to each other’s quirks to ourselves.
Love is awesome, of course, but as you and others have realized is that it doesn’t hold a marriage apart. It takes so much more than that and if people realized that on the day they said “I do” I suspect there’d be fewer divorces.
I think you are absolutely right, Kim. I think there would be fewer marriages too!
Without laughter and humor there is a missing element. Congratulations on 19 years of wedded bliss. This is quite a milestone that, sadly, some of us may never reach.
Thank you so much, Barbara!
Maybe I should have elaborated on what I hear when people say they have a right to be happy. It makes me wonder if they married because of a feeling they had when they initially wed without really pondering the really important things about a person beforehand so now a tough season comes and they aren’t happy so it becomes the reason they justify divorce being ok. I never like to pass judgment when I listen because you never truly know the full story at times even if you know the person really well.
I understand what you mean, Brittnei. You are right; we never know the full story unless we are a part of the couple. But having preconceived notions of what marriage “should” be like is often damaging when those notions aren’t realized.
No advice here. I’m only on year three with hubby. I just like to listen when the more experienced married people actually tells you what works. Even if my beliefs different from them, there is still a lot I can learn from them about life. It’s crazy because my husband was watching a show that came on in the 70s and one of the characters said that 1 in every 2 marriages ends in divorce. I was just like and that was in the 70s! I would hate to know how much the statistic has gone up. I so agree with you about fairy tales and happily ever afters being the cause of divorce. In talking to people who do end up divorcing, I hear the same phrase a lot “I have the right to be happy!” 🙁
That’s so interesting, Brittnei. While I do believe that people have the right to be happy, that doesn’t mean happiness is gifted to them. You have to make it happen in your relationships, and in your marriage. People who just wait for it to come to them are usually disappointed.
You guys are adorable in both pictures! Great list!
Thanks Kenya!
I love this list!
My husband and I still hold hands. I love it.
Me too – and when I see an elderly couple holding hands in public, I hope that’s us in 40 years!
This list is so right. I would have said laughter, respect, and communication. Talking to each other is so important.
I completely agree with your three tips, Stephanie. Even checking in with each other as Matt drives home for work helps us stay connected.
this is your best post ever! and that picture…priceless. you guys haven’t aged.
You are too, too kind. And my new best friend 🙂
Superb Tips.
My favorite it : 5. Hold hands.
Simple.
but everything else will follow if you do so.
And that was my tip 🙂 I agree with you, Kim. It really is simple.
Loved reading this! So great to read real tips from all of you. I’m only married for 3 years and my sense of humor is usually towards my friends only, my bad! If not for my husband’s sense of humor, we’d probably be bored to death. Cheers to your 19 years of marriage and more! 🙂
Thanks Rea! My husband makes me laugh more than anyone else in the world. That laughter has kept us sane!
Wonderful advice and Happy Anniversary!
Thank you so much!
Wonderful advice! I don’t really believe in fairy tales, and I also tend not to believe in soul mates. I think marriage is hard work, period. That romance stage will only take you so far. I’m pinning and stumbling this!
Thanks Michelle! I do have a Stumble account but I have to figure out how to use it. Tutorial, maybe?:)
We used to teach Pre Cana classes at our church and one of the many lessons we tried to emphasize was to focus on the marriage, not just the wedding. I love your entire list! A sense of humor can sure help you get through lots of things – good times and bad.
Absolutely! We took Pre Cana since we were married by a cantor and a priest – I wish you and your husband had been our teachers instead of the ones we had. They were ineffective, to be kind. We may have goofed off a bit.
Such a great post and list of tips!!! Love that laughing is so important to so many people!!!
If so many people believe that, it must be true, right?
“Marriages must evolve to thrive; a stagnant union will sputter and die.” – that’s my tweetable quote of the day! Thank you for the inspiration – and congratulations on 19 years!
Thank you, Liv! I’m honored to be quotable – that doesn’t happen very often.:)
Happy Anniversary. Such a beautiful list. I agree that sometimes it is okay to go to bed angry. I’ve learned from experience that the most hurtful words can come out late at night. Better to sleep it off. Loved being a part of this and I’m honored to be counted among such wise women.
Thank you for letting me share your words, Jenny!
Love this list and the photos! (and thanks for the mention!). I did notice that about humor and it is definitely important, too. Lots of great advice here! Happy Anniversary!
Thank you Lisa! And thank you for contributing 🙂
Happy 19 years! I’m honored to be on this list and I was really looking forward to reading it.
I interviewed my grandmother before she passed away and she said her #1 life advice was to keep your sense of humor – it’s one thing that you can always count on.
See, the humor advice again – I think it’s very telling that people who have been married for decades cite humor as key. Clearly they are onto something!
Congratulations on 19 years and Happy Anniversary!!! I loved all the advice. I agree laughing with each other is always good. I liked the advice of being your husbands #1 fan
Thank you Sonya!
I totally agree with the notion of having fun and laughing. I’d also add that even after you become parents, you need to make time and prioritize your relationship as husband and wife. My husband and I are trying to do this – it is hard with the ages of our kids – but when we connect and get out of parent mode every so often, it helps tremendously.
That’s an excellent tip, Kerry, and so important. It is so easy to slip into “roommate” status and forget that you were a couple before you were co-parents. Date nights are essential!
Our number one rule: We both can’t be crazy at the same time. If he’s having a bad day, then my day has to be better and vice versa.
That’s a great rule! We take turns being crazy too.
Happy anniversary! What a great list and I agree – laughter is a huge huge huge component of a happy marriage, as is remaining individuals on a team. I love it and congratulations!
Thank you Kristi!
Great compilation of tips! You’re right that it’s no coincidence laughing and humor were mentioned so often. You can’t take yourself too seriously, in life or with your spouse!
Exactly! My husband is always goofing off, and usually it’s a great balance for my more serious side.
Happy Anniversary! Love, respect, compromise.. your mother in law has it described exactly!
She does – and fortunately my husband had great role models for a healthy marriage. That’s always helpful!
Oh yeah, and happy anniversary! 19 years…fist bump!
Thank you 🙂
I was going to comment on how many times, “laugh,” “have fun,” “be silly” came up, but you beat me to it. Marriage isn’t easy, but when we get it right (and I’m only speaking for my own marriage), it’s the best thing. I always say that the best decision I ever made was to marry my husband. I still think that’s true. One other piece of advice my grandmother gave me was: Always fight naked. She said and I’m paraphrasing…the ending is much more fun than the beginning when you do. Yeah, apparently my grandma was a hornball, too.
Ha! I’ve heard of always sleep naked, but never fight naked. Your grandma sounds awesome!
did you hear that from my grandma? 🙂
Yes I did – by way of you! I wonder if your grandma knew Mandi’s grandma? Sounds like they would have been great friends.
my grandma secretly got married at 16 and as far as i know was faithful to my grandfather her whole life. but in other circumstances i think she could’ve been an awesome hussy.
Amen! I so wanted my fairy tale before and it left me and my husband frustrated. Took a while for me to realize that I had so many unrealistic expectations.
Great list Dana! Happy Anniversary to you and your husband!
Unrealistic expectations can be a killer. It took me awhile to figure that out too!
Wonderful list! Should be a must read for every engaged couple. Happy Anniversary Dana and Matt!
Thanks Karen! And I forgot to add “cruise at least once a year” to the list – that seems to work well for you and David 🙂
Wonderful list and couldn’t agree more about laughter in a marriage. Plus happily ever is definitely for fairy tales, but in real life we just try to be there for each other and do the best you can to let the other know that you are there when all else fails. Happy Anniversary, too 🙂
Thanks Janine!
Happy Anniversary! So much great advice here. Love how frequently laughter came up! And #19 should be in the official marriage handbook!
Wait… this isn’t the official marriage handbook? Then I’ve lost my copy. Thanks for being a part of this post, Nicole!
Great list! Now I know where we disagree, although I had a slight suspicion it would be that one! I agree that laughter is important in any relationship.
So we’ll agree to disagree? I just know that for me, sometimes it’s better to just go to sleep so my anger can dissipate. Thanks for participating, Ana Lynn!
Love the pictures of you guys!!! Happy Anniversary!! You (and your friends and family) have so many things RIGHT here. I’ve only been married for 8 years but it’s a lot of hard work – especially after the kids come along! My husband and I definitely have a ton of fun together and we keep working on effectively communicating (as opposed to just yelling 🙂 but it’s a process for sure. At the most fundamental root of our marriage is love. I’m deeply in love with my husband to my core…but yes, I definitely have gone to bed angry and it’s OK! I’m loving the journey and I know we will someday reach that 19 year mark and beyond!
You do have to enjoy the journey – that’s what it really is anyway. And don’t say “only” married eight years – that makes it sound like a piece of cake. You know how hard both of you worked to get to where you are!
That’s a great compilation!! Congratulations to the both of you!!
Thanks so much, Roshni!