Almost two years ago, I wrote a piece for Kristi’s new series, Our Land. Today, in honor of National Autism Awareness Month, I’m sharing a revised version of that story here.
My son James met Ryan for the first time when the boys’ older sisters had playdates. They were five years old, and James and I both immediately liked Ryan. He had a dry sense of humor and an enthusiasm for living and playing that was unmatched by any of James’ other peers. James intuitively knew there was something different about Ryan, but different wasn’t good or bad. It just was.
A year later, the boys were in the same first grade class. Early in the year, Ryan’s mother visited the class and spoke with the six and seven year olds about autism, in a way that six year olds could understand. I wish I had been in the classroom, because whatever she said made such an impact on Ryan’s peers. My son had a friend who was not quite like his other friends, and now he knew why. And for most of those kids, that was enough. So Ryan has autism. So he plays a little differently, speaks a little differently, behaves a little differently. So what.
That “so what” could have become an issue as the boys got older; I used to wonder how their friendship would weather the passing years. Kids choose their own friends, and children that were accepted in first grade are excluded in fifth grade. But that did not happen. Maybe it was Ryan’s mom’s talk, or that group of boys and girls, or Ryan himself. Most likely it was a combination of all three. But as the kids approached adolescence, the boys maintained their friendships and found more to love about Ryan. Instead of just seeing what made him different, they saw his brilliant one liners. They wore the funny nicknames Ryan gave them with pride instead of derision. They just hung out together, like tween boys do.
Middle school separated the boys; James has not been in any classes with Ryan, and I doubt they will share classes in high school either. While their interactions at school are minimal, this same group of boys will always have Ryan’s back. They like him for who he is, and they know he’s pretty awesome. James has told me that if he ever saw anyone picking on or teasing Ryan, he wouldn’t stand for it – he would stick up for Ryan just like he would stick up for any of his other friends. And I’m pretty sure Ryan would have James’ back too.
I know Ryan has a tougher road than the rest of his friends. I know his parents have worked tirelessly to get him the services he needs, and to give him opportunities for friendships with his peers. As the mother of children without diagnoses, I can only imagine the challenges Ryan faces and will continue to face with his family by his side. I do not want to minimize these challenges, but I do want to celebrate the camaraderie and friendship that has formed among this amazing group of boys.
Now too old for playdates, James and Ryan still get together occasionally to hang out. They settle their long, gangly limbs on the couch, playing Wii or Playstation and watching Sponge Bob and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. While their friendship is different than the friendships James has with other friends, the boys are still buddies in the relaxed and easy way that teenage boys can be. There are no expectations beyond enjoying each other’s company. James knows Ryan has autism, and he is more aware of what that means than he was in first grade. But it’s just one part of who he is, and not everyone has to be just like you to be your friend.
So true that kids are more like so what about these things! Both my sons are friends with kids who have autism, and somehow it never seems to matter. I love that!
That’s awesome, Dana!! Relationships like this are priceless for any kid, but so much more important for a kid who relates differently to others. I love the way mom handled this, by being honest and open about the differences and struggle so that the group could acknowledge them and move forward together.
Me too, Rabia – it really made a difference!
I’m not sure how I missed it the first time, but I sure loved it this time! I love love love good people and hearing stories about good people…and this was definitely one of those, all-around.
It’s a feel good one, isn’t it?
Oh god this is so beautiful I had tears in my eyes!!!! Thank you so much for sharing such a beautiful story!!! It felt like I was reading a feel good powerful movie, only its your lives..xo
Aw, that’s a sweet thing to say, Lindsay – thank you!
So glad that Ryan has a friend like James – I hoe that my boys are open to being friends with everyone always!!!
I hope my kids are too; I’d hate for them to lose their open mindedness and acceptance.
I’m so stunned because I remember this post so well, and could I really have known you both for this long? Even our “in person” anniversary is coming up. I’m shaking my head. I want cookies.
And this story is as gorgeous today as it was.
You’ve known me for that long! I had a Berger cookie yesterday, and thought of you.
What a beautiful story! I love that last line. So true.
Thanks 🙂
Still a great story and happy I had a chance to re-read it!
Me too, Lisa!
A beautiful description of friendship and acceptance. So cool that they still hang out. I especially love that last line, “…it’s just one part of who he is…”
It’s so true, isn’t it? We are so much more than any one of our traits, conditions, quirks…we are all amazingly flawed humans.
I love a heartwarming friendship story. And I also love Our Land. I am so glad I read this!
I’m glad you read it too! Most of my current readers haven’t, so I’m happy to repost it this month.
Dana, this is such a sweet post. Your son is clearly a special soul. So many children would let the friendship end. I love how Ryan’s mom handled it too. It seems like that talk was at least one aspect of a fantastic set of circumstances that helped set him up for success. Thanks for sharing such a wonderful story; and have a great weekend!
Thanks, Leslie. Ryan and his whole family are pretty amazing people!
Oh what a heartwarming post. My son’s friend has had a bit of a rough social go. I can’t help but wonder if things might have gone better for him had a family member spoken to the first grade class way back when.
I think it made a big difference for Ryan, but I also know that it’s a combination of many things. Hindsight is 20/20, right?
This was a beautiful tale. All kids need friends, and am glad they two are sticking to each other 🙂
So am I, Ruchira!
That’s so wonderful. I remember this story but I had forgotten who wrote it. That’s wonderful that the mom had a talk with the children to help them to understand. I was in elementary with a boy who probably also didn’t have a diagnosis and from my perspective I didn’t know what was wrong with him but I knew something was wrong.
You know, that talk Ryan’s mom had with the kids made a world of difference, as does her unfailing effort to keep him in touch with his peers.
Oh, how i just love that the mom came to talk to the kids about autism… I think the hardest challenge is that kids don’t understand- so she set a foundation for comfort and confidence in turning the ‘unknown’ into the ‘known’ for those children!
You must be such a proud mama… obviously raising a boy with an incredible heart and compassionate soul. I just LOVE that they have had this friendship through the years!
I love it too, Chris!
Beautiful. And that last line speaks volumes.
Thanks, Christie!
I loved this the first time I read it and am still in love with the way your boy made sure his friend was included. You are raising such wonderful kids, Dana. You should be proud
Thank you, Kerri. I am proud of them; I think they are pretty great kids.
Very moving, Dana, and an important perspective on the power of friendships.
Thanks, Nina!
Beautiful story …wonderful friendship they are lucky to have each other.
They are, Marisa. Thanks for reading!
This is such a beautiful story, Dana, and especially meaningful to me since I used to work with children with autism. For two years I worked with the sweetest boy when he was in kindergarten and 1st grade. Even at that age the kids noticed how different he was and unfortunately weren’t that supportive. I wish his parents had come in to talk about autism, I think it would have helped his peers so much and ultimately their willingness to socialize with him. Now that he’s in high school I really worry about him. I haven’t seen him in years, but I hope he was able to find a group of kids like your son who have welcomed him in.
I hope so too, Bev. Ryan’s mom is so great about helping him stay connected to his friends. She reaches out often to set up times for the boys to get together, and that is huge. Ryan may not be the first kid that James thinks to call, but when it’s suggested to him, he’s totally on board and glad to hang out.
This is fantastic. I would hope my sons would react/act the same to any and all kids. We’re all different and can be included or excluded for any number of reasons! Great read today Dana.
Thanks, Allie. You’re right – there are always reasons to exclude or include. Including is always better.
So happy to have the opportunity to read this, Dana! Thank you for re-sharing. Such a wonderful story of a growing friendship. “… not everyone has to be just like you to be your friend.” This is the best thing I’ve heard in a while.
It’s something kids need to know, isn’t it? We all need to know that, really. I’m happy to be able to share it again.
I totally do remember you sharing this on Kristi’s site originally and glad you could re-share it here today as it still warms my heart knowing that your son and Ryan are still friends.
Yes, you and I have been friends for that long, Janine – thanks for reading again!
LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE. I didn’t realize you’d be linking it for FTSF. Thank you, in all of the ways. Thank James (just had to scroll up b/c for a sec um whatever sorry) for me as well. Kids need friends. All kids need friends.
I didn’t plan on linking up either, but it was easy to use the prompt this week. Thanks for letting me repost this. If you read the original, you’ll see that I wrote that the boys don’t hang out much anymore. I’m happy to say that is no longer true – there was a bit of a lull but the friendship is still there.
Oh, Dana! I LOVE this! I just wrote about the peer volunteers in Barrett’s class, who make him feel like one of the gang. It’s incredible. And I know, where you live, is one of the best special education system in the country and it’s pro-inclusion. I love that James and Ryan still hang together:)! LOVE it!@
I love it too! It made me happy to update this piece after two years, and be able to still write about their friendship.