Have you ever wished you were a fly on the wall, so you could see what really happens behind closed doors? Now is your chance. Today I am participating for the first time in a Fly on the Wall group post, the brainchild of my fellow Mother of All Meltdowns contributor Karen. Fifteen bloggers invite you to catch a glimpse of what you’d see if you were a fly on the wall in our homes.
Do you like how I’m building this up, as if being a fly on the wall at my house would be the most fascinating thing ever?
Perhaps I’ve oversold it a bit, but here are some snippets of what a fly would see and hear in our home over the last month. The cast of characters: me, my husband Matt, 15 year old Gwen and 12 year old James.
***
We are high brow…
Gwen: Mom, I’m going to put all my books away and then eat my–
Matt: Boogers?
Gwen: Yes, Dad. I’m going to eat my boogers.
***
Really, really high brow…
Matt (to Gwen): Pick up your stick and your balls now.
James: (snorted) Balls!
Gwen: I have three balls. It’s a genetic disorder.
***
We are living in Downton Abbey…
{Matt walks into the house}
Matt (in a British accent): Hello!
James: ‘ello, guv’nah!
***
We are wordsmiths…
Me (quizzing James on his vocabulary words): Benediction
James: Umm…
Matt: It’s when you have an addiction to Ben – you really like him.
(Author’s note – say it out loud. Then you’ll get it.)
Me: Uh, no. It’s a blessing. Next word – disparagement.
James: Ummm…
Matt: It’s the one closer to you when you have two paragements. Dis (this) paragement.
***
We fall victims to auto-correct…
{texting}
Me: I’ll order the Chinese food – what do you want?
Me: I’ll order the Chinese food – what do you want?
Gwen: Dad wants human shrimp.
Me: Human shrimp? That’s gross.
***
We self medicate…
Matt (after a trying day at work): Some people soothe themselves with alcohol when they have a bad day. I soothe myself with milkshakes.
***
We are lazy…
{James walks into his bedroom, and stands there without opening a single drawer}
James: I can’t find my soccer jersey.
Me: Why don’t you try opening a drawer?
James (opens drawer): Oh yeah. There it is.
***
Did I mention we are high brow?
Gwen is talking to Siri on her iPhone, trying to pull up a recipe. She keeps saying “spicy vegetable soup,” but the other conversations in the room keep messing her up. On her third or fourth try, she tells us to be quiet:
Gwen (speaking into phone): SPICY VEGETABLE SOUP
Matt (leaning over to speak into phone): IN YOUR BUTT
In case you’ve forgotten, Matt is not my 12 year old, he is my husband. I know, I know – how have I managed to hold on to such a mature and sophisticated man?
***
Witness the difference between a teenage girl and a tween boy:
Gwen is late for school because she can’t find the leggings that she wants to wear with her sweater.
James is ready ten minutes early, wearing a pair of shorts (it’s 40 degrees). They are butt ugly and have every color in the spectrum on them, except red. What does he pair them with? Red socks, of course.
At least he wore a black t-shirt with this duo.
***
And finally, when I thought I had all the material I needed for this post, I walk into the family room after the kids leave for school and see this:
Need a closer look? Here you go:
Yes, that is a dirty knife sticking up from the coffee table/ottoman. James had eaten chocolate chip pancakes there, and managed to put his dish in the dishwasher. Maybe he was saving the knife for later?
LOL. I have a tween girl and teen boy and I can really relate. So funny. I’ll be stopping by often – found you via SITS girls.
I’m so glad you stopped by Lexie – thank you!
I love these little pockets of the internet that make you feel better about your own craziness, most of the time I just feel not tidy/organised enough or just plain hanging on by a thread!
I love/relate to almost all your moments, as I rolled down each one was my new favourite.
Thanks so much, Julie – I do feel better about my own craziness when I read comments like this. I was a little afraid there would be crickets for this post because everyone would think my family was completely nuts. Apparently we aren’t the only ones!
Oh no, SO far from being the only ones!
Holy COW! That was laugh-out-loud funny! The knife reminded me of finding a half-empty bowl of spaghetti once under the sink in the kids’ bathroom. Good times. Thanks for reminding me that it’s okay to laugh about it. Hope your SITS day was a happy one.
It was a great one, Lisa – thanks! A bowl of spaghetti under the sink? That’s even better than the knife. Not for you at the time, I bet.
Love your writing style and all these funny examples of your family interactions!! Happy SITS Day!
Thanks Jessica!
So relieved that your house sounds a lot like mine!! We actually had a discussion at dinner the other night about how I have four children because I kept having to scold my husband for being distracting during dinner.
Ha! I roll my eyes a lot, but secretly I’m glad that Matt can be so silly. Most of the time.
LMAO! Cracking up here, you guys are crazy awesome! The knife sticking out is the best LOL
Happy SITS day Dana!
Oh wow, this had me laughing out loud! I can totally see my husband saying the same kinds of things as yours to my daughter when she gets older. And the knife sticking out of the ottoman, hahaha! But it does sound like you have a really fun family 🙂
I do have a fun family – they drive me nuts sometimes, but I wouldn’t trade them for anything. May dirty knives never be an issue in your home…
HAHAHA! I’m totally adding you to my ‘Blog Crush’ page. Your family is awesome! Loved the meaning of benediction. 😀
I haven’t been anyone’s crush in a long time – thanks Tami!
Oh my god, this made me laugh out loud! It sounds like your family knows how to laugh together.
Enjoy your SITS day!
We definitely do. We do our share of yelling together too, but no one wants to hear about that!
That is hilarious! I often find wayward utensils on the floor under the table or (worse) elsewhere in the house after a dog has carted it off…dear oh dear. 🙂
I’d expect it from a dog – but a human? I know I raised him better than that!
OMGosh! This entire post is so much fun! The idea for the LinkUp and your actual moments…I am cracking up! The main reason: it sound like my home…my Hubby is much like your Matt… LMBO Isn’t it fun to have an extra Kiddie in the house? LOL Great laugh …thanks for starting my day off with fun!
Yes, having that third child is just super fun, Tiffany! You have one of those too, huh?
Your family sounds hilarious. My five-year old dresses like your son, I was hoping he would grow out of his love of random pairings, but I guess it’s just a boy thing. 🙂 Happy SITS Day!
It may be a boy thing. I’ve taught my son how to match his clothes, but he just doesn’t care. For now – I’m sure when girls enter the picture he will change his tune.
Thanks for the morning laughter! My family will enjoy the benediction–my 23 year old son’s name is Ben. Happy SITS day!
Lol – I’m sure Ben will love a word based on an addiction to him!
Very funny, Dana. I’m not sure there is much difference between a teenage boy and an adult male… at least in the humor department:) Happy SITS day:)
I don’t think there is much of a difference, Seana – you’re right! I’d like to think my sense of humor is more sophisticated, although the guys do make me giggle.
When I bust out laughing during the benediction, I’m sending people right over to this post. Happy SITS.
Thank you Nicole. If I can make at least one person laugh every day, it’s been a good day. 🙂
This made me LOL. Thanks for sharing. I love the Siri one hahaha.
Glad you liked it, Jessica!
This had me laughing so hard, this is awesome! I would have sat on that knife and been really pissed!! lol
I can’t wait to check out the other blogs, too funny!
Jen
Fortunately I saw the knife before it impaled me! Who knew living with a 12 year old was so dangerous.
Haha this is such a fun post and gives us a little glimpse into the life of you. I think this would be a fun thing to collect and do. I am sure there would be plenty of holiday antics to share if we took the time to collect them!
Oh, I”m sure Shae. Hope you had a great holiday!
That knife really is the cherry on top, isn’t it?! I think it’s funny that it’s sticking blade side up… I’m sure the guilty party would claim they were being thoughtful about keeping your ottoman clean, not trying to impale a family member! I really need to write down the funny things my 4 yr old is saying these days!
You definitely should – I wish I had done that when my kids were little!
I have to say that your kids sound exactly like mine! My oldest daughter comes “this close” to missing the bus every morning because she can’t find her leggings while my son is content to wear shorts with clashing colored socks. And the dirty knife? I should go check in between my cushions now for 2 or 4 of them…
Love the new look and tagline!
You should look – who know what goodies you could find between the cushions! And thanks for noticing my new look; I’m glad you like it.
this had me snorting with laughter. sounds very similar to life at my house. like the other night when I noticed my six year old son had on three pairs of undies and when I asked him why, he said, “to keep my nuts warm!”
Love it! I think three pairs of undies would definitely keep them warm – but maybe too warm? 🙂
“IN YOUR BUTT”!!! I am laughing out loud. It’s a great line, but even better when trying to use Siri. I’m going to remember that. I love Fly on the Wall Fridays…I’m collecting more stuff to participate in another one soon. They just get better and better!
I loved doing this too – I may not have enough material every month, but I’ll definitely be back!
I am laughing so hard. Your family sounds like great fun. My kids leave food and dishes out all over the living room and it drives me nuts. And if the dishwasher gets left open, then you can count on the dogs adding to the collection…silverware and plates find their way to the dining room and living room floor. Ugh!
Your dogs take things out of the dishwasher? That’s hilarious. Well, not for you. Just a few minutes ago I heard my son yelling at the dog for eating his pizza crust. That he had left on a plate on the family room floor. Sigh.
Oh my gosh, these are hilarious! Sounds a lot like our house, except my kids are a little younger and so our humor revolves around potty words. I love how boys always need to be reminded to actually open a drawer to find a shirt too.
Much of our humor is potty oriented too, Jennifer. We’ve never outgrown it – I told you we’re classy.
oh those snippets were so fun to read. it reminds me of when i was a kid screaming, “i can’t find this or that!!!” and my mom would retort, “try looking with your eyes instead of your mouth.”
My mom said that too – I had totally forgotten about that line! I’m going to use it, and I’m sure it will be soon.
Love this. That picture of the knife poking up through the coffee table/ottoman had me thinking “how did she get a picture of our house?” Of course. You are a fly on the wall …
Yes I am – all seeing, all knowing…and annoying as hell 😉
Balls, lack-o-class, spicy butt soup, men who can’t open drawers to find anything, boys who wear god-awful ensembles….were you writing about my family or yours?? LOL! Loved this Dana! I was giggling so much at the similarities with the way my family acts, although I must say I’ve never found a dirty knife sticking up out of my ottoman. Give it time, though. Give it time.
I’m sure it will happen eventually, Beth. I giggled at the similarities between our families too – they are both awesome, aren’t they?
Um. Please?Can I come over for dinner instead of meeting you 1/2-way? Which means I’ll spend the night, after drinking too much of your good wine. This is awesome, Dana!!!! Spicy vegetable soup in your butt for all, yo!
Absolutely – come on over, Kristi! You’d fit right in 🙂
Oh my goodness! I love this linkup! I remember reading one from Baking in a Tornado like this and it was hilarious! Dana, I don’t get how you don’t think your family is hilarious. Your husband is the star comedian by the way. LOL.
Yes he is, Brittnei. 90% of the time I appreciate his humor. The other 10% of the time I want to smack him 🙂
Your family is hilarious. I will never hear the word “Benediction” the same way again. An addiction to Ben: much better 🙂
Milkshakes are gifts that make everything better!
Welcome to Fly on The Wall. You fit in perfectly.
Thanks, Michele – I’m happy to join you. When I saw Karen’s posts in the past, I knew my family would give me lots of good material.
OMG!!!! I laughed throughout the entire post. HILARIOUS. Holy crapazoid, this is just what I needed! Thank you! 🙂 XO. ~A~
You are very welcome, Amber!
I think your commentary is my favorite part…
Yes, notice that I’m not involved in many of the conversations? I prefer to write them down and make snarky comments on the side.
I laughed out loud at “spicy Asian soup in my butt”….for a really long time. Actually, I can’t even type it without laughing. Thanks for sharing. I needed a giggle.
I’m so happy I made you giggle! That’s the problem with my husband; I encourage that behavior because I can’t help giggling either.
Love it! As they say, you can’t make this stuff up!
I know – that’s why I scrambled to write it down verbatim before I forgot any of it!
I loved this!
I totally agree, milkshakes are far more soothing.
What is it with boys and wearing shorts? My 10 year old is exactly the same way.
I know – what is that about? All the boys seem to do this – up until high school. It is bizarre.
Ha! Your husband sounds a lot like mine with the potty & body humor!
I’d say it’s a guy thing, but I’ll admit I usually find it funny too.
These little snippets were so much fun!!! I loved being a fly on the wall in your home!
Glad they entertained you, Kim!
OMG…TOO FUNNY!! I was laughing the entire way through, but the soccer jersey conversation made me fall on the floor. That is SO like something that would happen at my house! Bwahahahaha. –Lisa
Your kids can’t open drawers, either? And once a drawer is opened, it is left open. Until I come by and shut it. I feel sorry for my future daughter-in-law.
I think I might have a benediction…concerning Ben Folds! Or mostly just his music.
This is hilarious!
In my house, there is a lot of talk of farts, balls and boogers. There always will be, and the sad thing is that Des will always get the blame because he’s a boy and that happens with boys.
And the sadder thing is that no one will suspect that the worst offender is not Des, nor Cassidy, nor Scarlet.
And it ain’t the dog either. (which we don’t have yet)
I wonder who it is…
In our house, Matt is the worst offender, but Gwen gives it as good as James. And I’m not too shabby either. We are all super mature.
It actually sounds like you all have a lot of fun together- love it!
We’re like any other family with our ups and downs. Well, maybe a little bit weirder.
LOVE this! Your family is totally awesome. And what is it about the word ‘balls’ that makes it impossible to keep a straight face? I think our hubbies would get along famously. Someday your kids can babysit (corrupt) my little ones, and we’ll go out for an adult evening, complete with 4th grade humor!
That sounds perfect, Nicole!
OHMYGOSH that is hilarious!!! I LOVE this post!! And I am crazy IN LOVE with your family!!!! Oh, I am just dying laughing reading all of these interactions!! I would like to come hang at your house STAT. But I will make sure not to SIT on that knife!!!
what a HOOT.
You never know what you’re going to sit on at my house, Chris. And thank you; I’m in love with my family too 🙂
Your family is PERFECT for a Fly on the Wall post. And, from a selfish point of view, I only feel half as crazy as I did before I read this!
I’m glad I could help you feel less crazy, even if it was because you were comparing your family to mine!
I love this look into your life. I can see it happening in mine and this is why we are friends. Last night Abby asked Suri how to say Merry Christmas in Ecuador. She replied: It is on Wednesday I hope you have the day off.
Oh, I’m glad you can relate, Kerri. Maybe that’s why I think Abby is awesome – she reminds me of my own kids. Who are pretty fantastic, I must say. Oh, And Siri is an idiot.
I like families like yours! That’s sort of how the kids and I behave. The wife mostly shakes her head in disappointment…
Really? I shake my head and then run to the nearest piece of paper to write it down – my family makes excellent blog material.