I’m not writing about the ill-fated dog from the most depressing Disney movie ever. I’m referring to myself. I am a yeller (and I’m old-ish, at least in comparison to my kids). I own it, but I’m not proud of it. I raise my voice when I am frustrated, angry or hurt. I yell at my children, more often than I would like.
Have you ever noticed that when someone yells at you, you yell back? And have you noticed that you are much less likely to truly hear the message if it is yelled at you?
For example, IF I YELL AT YOU RIGHT NOW BY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, AREN’T YOU ANNOYED AND LESS LIKELY TO PAY ATTENTION TO ME?
Yep. I have noticed that. I know it is true with my interactions with my children, and yet I still do it. When I am able to harness my self-control and talk calmly, the results are almost always positive.
Almost always. I do have a teenager, after all. Sometimes all the calm talk in the world cannot untangle me from an argument with her. Yet the yelling doesn’t work either – it only makes me need a throat lozenge.
When I angry-yell, it’s often one of the following statements:
Let’s go!
A sense of urgency must not develop until early adulthood. Because even though I’m taking them somewhere that they need or want to be, my children plod along as if they have all the time in the world.
Who left the (insert object here) on/in the (insert location here)?
Minds out of the gutter, people. I’m talking about leaving dirty knives in the coffee table (yes, IN the table – it’s not a typo), hairbrushes on the kitchen table, or underwear inside the pants that are then thrown into the laundry.
A string of expletives or unintelligible grunts
When I experience sudden pain, yelling is the only thing I can do to make the pain manageable. If I’m alone, I curse like a sailor at maximum volume. If I’m not, I just make loud noises, but I really want to let the expletives rip. The other day I walked head first into an open kitchen cabinet door. I screamed like a teenage girl at a One Direction concert, only significantly less happy and at a lower frequency. I wish I had been alone, because a few good f-bombs would have really helped.
When I happy-yell, it is usually one of the following:
Woo hoo! or Yay!
These are my go-to expressions of excitement when I’m writing. I use these often when I comment on other blogs. They are my virtual yells and shout-outs.
Holla!
I picked this up from my friend MS, and my kids think it is obnoxious coming from an old person. That makes me use it even more. Dictionary.com defines “holla” as an informal exclamation of enthusiasm or joy.
Example: I’m going to see Book of Mormon on Saturday. Holla!
Generalized woohooing
When my kids are on the field or on the court, I cheer like the proud mama I am. I try not to yell anything specific so I don’t embarrass them; I leave that to their father. I just focus on positive cheers and the occasional high-five with the mom sitting next to me.
Are you a yeller like me? If you’re not, how do you do it?
i am the worst yeller. i swear i’m not using this as an excuse, but i think it’s hereditary. my mom yelled at my dad A LOT, so it got passed down in the genes. i promised myself that when i became a wife i would never yell at my husband. umm, yeah, right.
I think it may be hereditary too, or at least a learned behavior. It is so hard to unlearn, too.
How did I miss this one from last week! This is too funny. I’m starting to wonder if the yelling for us moms is something that helps with our emotions! So many moms tend to be yellers so don’t feel bad. I feel like with my toddler, he doesn’t seem to want to do something until I raise my voice and give him “the look.” I wonder how I will be by the time my kids are your kids’ ages. At that point, I hope yelling wouldn’t be the only way to get through to them. From what you’re saying, it sounds more like adults for kids at their ages. Yelling doesn’t get the results you want or the person to listen. 🙂
Yelling works less the older my kids get, but it’s a hard habit to break. If you can avoid getting in the habit now, I’m sure it will pay off in the long run.
Yelling is the only way I could ever get my boys to do the important stuff. I have cut down on my yelling quite dramatically since they have flown the coop. Thankfully, I only have to yell at My Love occasionally. I find that speaking softly works even better than yelling.
Great post Dana.
When I only had one kid, I did pretty good with yelling. Now with the twins here, I find myself yelling more often.
If I can spot the trigger, I can usually talk myself out of it. But it’s soooo easy to react, isn’t it? Just yesterday I got upset because all three of them were whining, crying or being really loud. And yes, yelling begets yelling, so it’s like an endless cycle!
Well, you already know that I’m trying to work on the yelling… I am a little disheartened to see that “Let’s go!” will probably not be leaving my vocabulary any time soon. But the main thing I’m trying to work on right now is just getting so frustrated when my son is pushing my buttons. My mom *gently* asked me over the weekend if I was making these into bigger issues than they really are… and of course I probably am for most of them. Sigh… deep breath… let it go…
Yes, “let it go” should be our motto. I certainly sing the song enough anyway!
LOLOLOL
Love this! And, yep. WOO HOO!
Holla!
Uh-huh. “Let’s Go!” is my nemesis. And yes, my voice, unfortunately dictates the response I’m going to get back from my children…
You too, huh? I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been in the car, seething while waiting for a child. Then I resort to honking the horn instead of yelling.
Yes, I yell. I’m working on not yelling so much. But my kids know how to push my buttons.
Oh, they sure do!
I hate to admit it but I’m a yeller, or as I like to say it “a talking really loud to get my point across.” It’s a hard habit to break.
It really is, Carla. And the problem is that I rarely get my point across that way!
I am not nearly as much of a yeller as my mother was (would be quite impossible to reach her levels, honestly), but I definitely yell more than I should. I feel like I can go from 0 to rage in less than 10 seconds. It is not my finest quality! This is a GREAT post!-Ashley
Me too – I escalate very quickly. The big problem is that my daughter does too – we go from hugging to screaming in under 10.
I love this, Dana, and I really appreciated it in conjunction with the post I just wrote about the angry grandpa. I’ve been thinking about everyone’s feedback a lot, and I hope it didn’t seem like I was saying that I think yelling is terrible. That would be hypocritical. Because, like you, I am a yeller. I am a passionate person, and I too yell when happy, excited, and frustrated. I do yell at my kids sometimes- I’m not proud of it, but it happens. However, belittling, shaming, and name-calling are NOT the same as garden variety yelling. Does it sound like I’m trying to rationalize it? Maybe. 🙂
I didn’t interpret your post as an argument against all yelling. You are right – what you yell is critical. Belittling and shaming is not okay regardless of the volume of your voice. I’m happy to say that I don’t engage in those behaviors.
I was pretty good about not yelling for the first 7+ years of parenting. Now in the past two years I’ve been yelling more. I always feel terrible about it afterwards.
How horrible is it that I don’t always feel terrible about yelling? Sometimes I do, but sometimes my kids are infuriating. I’m sure the feeling is mutual!
Sadly, I am a yeller. I didn’t used to be one, but motherhood has changed a lot of things about me! 🙂
Me too, Lisa. Fortunately most changes are positive, but not the yelling 🙁
I thought I yelled too much at my kids, but they said that compared to their friends’ moms I didn’t. Whew! Now that they are young adults, no need to yell. 🙂
Interesting – I wonder how I compare to friends’ moms? Maybe I don’t want to know!
I have to admit I’m a yeller too. My patience has increased immensely over time, but when I just can’t handle it anymore, I raise my voice. Not proud of it!
Neither am I, Tarana!
I am a yeller, who would like to yell less. I resolve to do it, and then something really sets me off. I’ve thought about trying not to yell for Lent, but I don’t think I can do it. Baby steps.
Yes, baby steps! At least you are trying, Michelle. Good luck!
Had to laugh at the One Direction comment. 🙂 Personally, I “tsk” and “oof” a LOT! The funny thing is that my sister and I picked up the “oof” from our maternal grandmother. I think that’s an Armenian thing, but I don’t know if it’s an actual word, or just a sound like the “tsk.” That’s like sonar for my nephews though – they hear an oof and immediately tune in, even if it’s just to laugh at us for it. 😉
That’s funny – who cares if it makes them laugh, as long as it gets their attention!
As much as I try to contain it, I too am a yeller.
It’s such a hard habit to break – but you have the perfect opportunity, Bev. I’m sure you haven’t yelled at your daughter yet 🙂
I come from a family of yellers. We yell. Loudly. And I hate it. I always said I would never yell. But I do, and I do it daily. My husband is the definition of calm. Always mellow yellow, so it drives me even more crazy when he points out my yelling. I want to stop. It was my new year’s resolution. But old habits die hard. I’m trying. I’m better than I was last year.
And I definitely scream f bombs when I hurt myself (and he kids aren’t around). Which is frequently. Holla!!! My middle name is grace, too, so there’s that.
Have fun at the musical Sunday.
We could be twins, Mandi. I almost named my second child Grace, but he turned out to be a boy. He is pretty graceful though – probably the most coordinated in my family. Not that this has anything to do with my post, but whatever.
I gurgle… and gurgle…and snap back…and raise my pitch and tone with serious intent….start to build…and build…and then I FREAK!!! This morning- Cassidy. Oh that girl!!! I tried to calmly blanket her bossy pushy frantic anxiety to get to “SCHOOL ON TIME MOM!!!” And by the time we were in the car I just LOST IT!! TWO days this week she brought me to boiling point.
I swear the car shook.
And then we prayed. lol
Truth.
I believe you Chris! I have a hard time picturing you gurgling and boiling, but I believe you. But at least you can recover and send her off to school with a better mindset.
I yell at my dog sometimes, if that counts 😉
It counts! I forgot about that. I frequently yell at my dog – “What do you WANT?” I wish she’d learn English already.
OMG. I’m sure you can imagine me but yes I am… not too much but yep, occasionally, I drop the f bomb by accident, luckily it’s been me and K basically since she was 1 & I was 21 so she knows better thank goodness for that for that…. I’m blessed to have such a well behaved child to have gone through a divorce & my accident all before age 2… she’s very chill most the time… the tween is coming out though & screaming about laundry & clothes is insane… XO. ~A~
It’s coming, Amber – hold on tight! Hopefully you can get through adolescence with minimal screaming on both of your parts.
Yes – a huge yeller but I’ve been working on it for the past couple of years. When the boys were little there were days that I felt like I spent the entire day yelling – it wasn’t always pretty! (especially when Chris was deployed)
I’m big on WooHoo, too!!!
It’s such a happy and fun thing to say, isn’t it?
I’m a selective yeller, I guess. When I was younger I’d yell at my brother, and of course he’d yell or shove me back. My parents weren’t yellers, so I can’t say it was a learned behavior. LOL
I wouldn’t peg you as a yeller at all, Alison – you seem so serene. That’s a compliment – serene is one adjective that I don’t think would ever be applied to me. Maybe I’ll get there someday.
Oh my good lord this is me. I know the kids respond better when I don’t yell, but, as you say, they freaking PLOD! Let me know if you find out when their sense of urgency is developed so I can have something to look forward to. Thank you so much for this. It’s nice to know I’m not the only one.
It is nice to know that, isn’t it? I’m thinking they will not develop a sense of urgency until they have children of their own, which is (hopefully) many years from now. And I may just smile to myself when I hear them pleading with their kids to hurry up. Is that wrong?
As a somewhat reformed yeller, I feel your pain. I think with age, I’ve mellowed a bit. I take it and take it ~ until I explode. Which doesn’t happen as often. I guess that’s one good thing (or consequence) of living long and fielding life’s blows.
I like looking at it from that perspective, Jamie. I’ve mellowed a bit too, but the teenage years are throwing me for a loop!
I’m very much a yeller, got it from my mom. But my husband is not. He very, very rarely raises his voice. Which makes yelling at him almost impossible, because when I yell at him and he doesn’t yell back, it just feels wrong.
My husband is like that too. He’s much calmer than I am, and almost impossible to pick a fight with. Which is good, because his calmness diffuses my un-calmness.
I’ve been known to yell. But I usually try to make it fun. When I worked in the nursery, sometimes things would get SOSOSTRESSFUL (for all of us) that I’d suggest a Primal Scream moment, and me and 8 4 year olds would just stand there and SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMM at the top of our lungs.
Most recently, Neff and I ran down the high-street, trying to find a shop with a hair clipper for sale (after a looooong, frustrating hunt through three OTHER places. In the car. And a traffic jam. And closed shops. And him in half a haircut) and we held hands and ran until our lungs hurt and growled and screamed and shouted obscenities(nearly) and rude words (have you ever run down the road with a 6 year old boy giggling away on the end of your arm while you yell out “POO! PEE! WEE-WEE! ARMPITS! BUM!” at the top of your voice? With people giving you weird looks and a wide berth? It’s very liberating) and OH IT HELPED SO MUCH!
I was *almost* calm afterwards. Calm enough to finish his haircut, anyway.
Primal screams are an excellent idea and very therapeutic. So are runs down the street with a six year old. Love that story 🙂
I am not a yeller (except on very rare occasions). I am a whisperer, a technique I learned in college while getting my degree in elementary education. If the teacher, or the parent, whispers, then the class, or the child, has to listen closely to hear what is being said….and the situation is diffused of its noise and/or anger. Because of using the whisper technique, my kids have always known that if I resort to yelling, I have totally lost it and they should scatter in a hurry and just stay out of my way for a while. 🙂
I saw your comment on my Facebook page – that is fascinating, Teresa! I wish I had known about that technique before I became a mom. For me, it’s the opposite. I reach an anger point where I get totally silent, and then my kids know that it’s MAJOR. Then they shut up and and get scarce.
My mother was a yeller and I carried the promise to myself into adulthood that I wouldn’t be. Did it work? Barely. I’m very conscious of my yelling, and am always thinking, “am I coming off as a total asshat, or am I validated in my yelling?” Most of the time I feel validated in the moment, but later I’m like, yeah, I’m an asshat. My sons are loud. LOUD. And destructive. And energetic. And crazy. And did I already say energetic? I feel like I’m always yelling over them to be heard, but I h-a-t-e it.
I hear ya, chica. It’s tough not to yell, but I laughed about you hitting your head if that helps at all. probably doesn’t, but I laughed.
It actually does help, Beth. It hurt like hell, but when I was writing about it I kinda laughed a little myself. I am such a klutz. I opened the stupid cabinet door, and then I walked right into it. At least no one in my family laughed when it happened – there would have been some major yelling then.
No mind in the gutter here. I’ve been a freak about keeping the new kitchen clean so I read that sentence just as I’ve said it. WHO LEFT THIS DIRTY PLATE IN THE SINK? I’m really a soft talker for the most part so when I yell people move because it’s serious. So I really didn’t yell the dirty dish thing but I said it louder than I talk. But my enthusiasm is even low key 😉
Christopher’s jeans have come out of the dryer with the underwear still attached. It makes me wonder if they really got clean. Yuck.
I’m not surprised that you’re a soft talker – you seem very mellow and easy going. Can I have some of that? And yes – yuck to underwear stuck in the pants. Sometimes I find socks stuck in there too.
Oh yes, me too. I’ve learned though that when I yell, my son shuts down. Whatever situation I’m trying to get him to change his behavior around, he goes into lock down mode. Digs his heels in and refuses to budge. So I’m working on it, but I’m definitely not 100% yet!
Have you seen the cartoon that says, Don’t yell at your children. Instead lean in real close and whisper. It’s much scarier! Makes me laugh!
I would do that if I could, but I think the ship has sailed on that one. My kids would just laugh in my face, or criticize my breath. I know what you mean about shutting down in response to yelling – it’s just not effective on most people.
I’m a yeller too. Holla! I kindof wish I weren’t though, and have been trying to be less of when especially when I’m telling Tucker to hurry up, or no, or stop, or whatever. I feel so guilty every time I yell at him when I’m annoyed. Gah. So dirty knives IN the table. Like they’re stabbed into the wood? I knew there were bodies behind that cute curtain in your bathroom. This might prove it.
You sometimes yell at me. So there’s that…
Not in the wood – it’s a leather ottoman with removable cushions, and you can hide all your crap in there. The knife was slipped in between the cushions, blade up. As for bodies in the bathroom, I’m not admitting to anything.
David is the yeller in our house, it seriously becomes like white noise. Me? I’m not too much of a yeller. But Abby says that is worse. That my ‘tone’ is mean. One would think that would get the job done. It seems yelling and/or mean tones don’t get her room clean
Ha! At least she knows what “tone” is – that will come in handy when her tone is fresh or sarcastic. And when you figure out the trick to getting their rooms clean, let me know.
First off I made the HUGE mistake of getting Old Yeller and showing it to my kids a few years ago. I subsequently had to promise on the spot to give it away and to never show it, much less, speak of it again.
I YELL too. And feel so much better afterwards. That time my son forgot to pack the rabbit and we had to go back for it was the one time I could not yell. I knew that once started I’D ABSOLUTELY NEVER EVER NOT IN THIS LIFETIME STOP.
Still, that took so much restraint, Kelly – I’m impressed! I know I should do that more often. So your kids weren’t a fan of Old Yeller, huh? I’ve never shown my kids – I really don’t get the appeal.
I’m definitely a yeller and I hate it. I was in fact talking to my daughter about it yesterday because she was not going to bed and was instead coming to give me “one more hug and kiss” while I was trying to do something on the computer that was frustrating me. I took the frustration of that, plus her not sleeping out on her when all she wanted was a kiss! I hate how often I apologize to my kids for unnecessarily yelling at them. I think its because I grew up in a yelling household!
At least you apologize, Marta. That sets a good example for your kids, and shows them you’re accountable for your actions. But I know how guilty it can make you feel.
I am usually pretty even, but I can become a yeller. Lately, my three-year-old has been taking me to the edge and I feel like I am constantly raising my voice at her. Not my finest parenting moments. To top it off, I read a report earlier this week that yelling is the new spanking in the parenting world. It is apparently awful! Great – that helped me feel so much better. 🙁
Really? That stinks. I think you should check to see who wrote that report – I bet it was someone without kids!
I’m actually not as much of a yeller as I used to be when my kids were younger. I don’t know if they’ve gotten better at listening, if I’ve mellowed with age or if I’ve just given up. Maybe a mix of the three. Like you I have noticed that not yelling does improve communication so maybe I’ve just learned something. Shocking, isn’t it…..
This is my first FTSF and it’s great to find new bloggers to enjoy.
Welcome to FTSF, Kat! Like you, I think I actually yell less now than when the kids were younger, but when I do lose it, it’s on a bigger scale.
I don’t yell frequently but when I do, I am OUT OF CONTROL. YElling words my children shouldn”t hear their mother say. But the result is even more maddening because I must look as out of control as I feel because my children look at each other and start hilariously laughing. This throws me into another orbit!!!
My lent resolution is to be calm and find joy whereever I can. It’s only been two days but so far so good : ) BTW, Dana you use a calming, loving voice way more than you yell and your children are absolutely 100% loving and respectful because of you!!
Thank you Sue xoxo. I consider you a very calm mom – you keep your sh*t together! Those boys – good thing they are so cute, right? When you lose it, just tell them to get on their bikes and come to my house.
Love your Lent resolution! I’m sure you can do it – you are one of the most positive people I know.
I think I’m an old yeller, yes. Des is mostly exempt from it but Scarlet can be so shrill sometimes that I can’t help yell back with, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” Yeah, that goes…nowhere.
In terms of other things (other than Scarlet), not so much, actually. I need to learn to “woohoo” it better. I get self-conscious sometimes. I’ve gotten a lot better, though.
It’s those girls of ours, Tamara – they bring out the yeller in us. And don’t think Gwen doesn’t notice that I yell at her more than her brother.
Woohooing just makes you feel good. Even if no one hears you but you 🙂
I feel your pain Dana…I’m a yeller too. My Mom was a yeller, I suspect my Gram was a yeller and so on. My Mom used to yell so loud, she would start coughing. (I would laugh) and she would retort, “some day you’ll have a daughter just like you.” Needless to say, I have 2. I’ve tried to stop the madness by starting off with my soft spoken voice when addressing the kids, but after several attempts at being the calm, cool, collected Mom and STILL being completely ignored by my little angels, I lose my shit.
My mom said that all the time too! I’ve made it a point to never say that to my daughter. And I try to start off soft spoken like you – but I can only last for so long. She just pushes my buttons – every single one of them.
Holla. Damn that MS. I say it too but my kids seem to like it. They aren’t in hs yet, obvi. They hate obvi more.
Am I a yeller?? F*#! Yes. I can’t stand that I am. It never works but sometimes it just feels good. For instance, a mere 2 hours after I had commented to my son that the skate ramp was in a precarious position on the side of the driveway (my friends have been known to go off the edges. ..), I’m backing it and hear a huge crunch. Insert expletives here. Yes not only was it left out but left in the middle of said dangerous driveway.
I stopped and heard myself and instead of continuing the tirade, I apologized to them.
I think they were more scared of my sudden change than what was going to happen to them for leaving it the skate ramp.
I always turn to the calmest person I know, CB, when I need advice on keeping sane. I swear she doesn’t raise her voice. .. just calmly lays down the law. I don’t know how she does it.
For me the worst part and probably the reason most not to yell is that I hear my daughters do it all the time when they have reached frustration level. Bad bad modeling by their mama. S has that calm gene. DAMN him.
Happy F*#! Friday on that note!!
I don’t know how CB does it either, but knowing that I’m not the only yeller among my friends makes me feel better. Maybe there’s a correlation between awesome karoke singers and yelling moms? Gwen yells too, and that makes me feel bad. But I really think some of it is just the way we are. Maybe that’s an excuse, but I’m going with it. Happy Friday to you too D!
I yell all.the.time. for all the same reasons. I really try some days to curb it, but it’s just who I am. The “good” yells are always the best but, unfortunately, there’s a lot of “bad” ones in between. Glad to see it doesn’t get any better as the kids get old. That just makes me want to scream! 🙂
Lol – it’s worse when your kids yell back – just fuels the fire. I try to balance the yells with plenty of positive, and most days I can do that. But you know there are just some days…
Holla!!! Yes I am a yeller. And it makes me even more mad. I wish I could calmly talk to my children, but the do not listen unless i’m screaming. aaargh.
I feel your pain. And I can see their eyes glaze over as I yell – yet I can’t stop. Aaargh for sure!
I like a “Yay, YAY!” for excitement. Accent on the second. After mumbling (mumbling shows control, right?) “f—, f—,f–,” under my breath today, my four year old daughter said, “why do you say f—, Mama?” Model parenting.
Ha – you may need to watch that Sarah! I guess you could tell her you are saying fudge. My daughter says friggin’ all the time, and I can’t stand it. She doesn’t agree with me that it’s basically the same as saying the real thing. And that’s one word she didn’t get from me or my husband. Maybe she heard it from you 🙂
YES! Yelling at the kids produces no good results, but it happens. More often than I care to admit. I’m a Woohoo kinda gal, too.
At least that’s a good yell, right? The worst thing about yelling is that I’ve created a yeller in my daughter. I hope it’s a teenager thing and she’ll grow out of it, but I’m not hopeful.
I have no idea if I’ll be a yeller as a parent. I know I prefer silently stewing now when I’m upset. I can be a bit passive aggressive so yelling isn’t usually my first instinct.
I suppose there are pros and cons to both, Kate. For me, it depends on who/what has got me riled up.
Oh god yes, Dana. I am definitely a lid mouth and old yeller from way back, too. And knew we had a lot in common already, but you can totally add this to that list and was smiling reading this, because like I said I totally can yell with the best of them, too for better or worse!! 🙂
Usually it’s worse for me, Janine – but it’s such a hard habit to break!