6:15 came too soon this morning. I was having some odd dream involving packing my kids’ lunches with frozen ravens when the alarm went off, and my stomach rolled as soon as I remembered what day it was.
The first day of school started like any other, with the exception of the rushed obligatory photos in the driveway. I was grateful for the small tasks of the morning that kept my mind occupied, and by the time James left at 7:35 I felt like I had been awake for hours. I went for a run, my heavy breathing and Broadway show tunes keeping the weepy thoughts at bay for a little while. But the breathlessness lingered; it has been my frequent companion all month.
Now I sit in the bagel shop, contemplating beginnings and ends as I wait for my car to be repaired. I’ve always thought of beginning and end as opposites, but now that I’m the opposite of young, I’m seeing things differently. Beginning and end are points on the same circle; one always follows the other.
August has brought me to my knees this year, with beginnings and ends swirling so fast I have barely processed one before another knocks me over.
The end of my baby being twelve, and the beginning of his teenage years.
The end of my other baby being fifteen, and the beginning of a year I hope is sweet sixteen. She is sixteen. She is easiest to love when she is sweet, but she is always loved.
Today, the end of another one of my children’s eighteen summers home with me. The beginning of eighth and eleventh grade.
And before August is done with me, I will witness the end of my son’s childhood in the eyes of our faith. He will begin Saturday as a Jewish child, and end as a Jewish adult.
On their own, beginnings and ends are neutral. It is the significance we attach to them that give them their strength. If we didn’t feel, or love, or care, then they wouldn’t matter.
But we do. All of the firsts matter because they follow the lasts. Parenthood is full of them, yet I find them harder to accept as the list of lasts, of endings, gets longer and longer.
The last first day that my daughter will be a passenger in the car, instead of a driver.
The last first day of middle school. For my son, and for me.
The last time I will not have to nag about homework, until the next first day of summer.
I know these firsts and lasts are a part of growing up, but it’s the growing up part that I’m having trouble with. It’s what I want for my kids; all parents do. But it’s bittersweet. I was there in the Beginning, and for years I was an integral part of all of their milestones, and every part in between.
Now I see the beginnings and ends, but so much of their lives happen when I am not present. How do I let go of my hearts and allow them to have a beginning without me?
In the bagel shop, the tears are falling without my permission; perhaps I should have written this where I could blubber in private. But the words ease the breathlessness a bit, at least until my babies come home. The first day will end, and my children will begin a new day tomorrow. And for now, still, I will begin with them.
This was me last year, when my son went off to college, and my daughter (my baby) started high school. It’s settled down a little bit now, because sophmore years are kind of quiet, but as we get into the dual junior and senior years (and 2 graduations, lets plan going crazy now!) I know it will build up again. Thank you for the great piece.
It does ebb and flow, Meg – I’m at a high point now with an 11th and 8th grader. I will plan on going crazy with you!
Wow, so beautiful Dana. So true – all of it.
Gosh, this was just what I needed to start the day with! Yes, beginnings and ends are entwined more than we would care to admit. The letting go tears you doesn’t it? And yet we must. If only it was that easy…….
I know – we have to do it though, right?
This is making me feel all the feels! So many warm fuzzies with kids growing up and such. I may not have tiny humans, but I’ve definitely had my fair share of beginnings and endings!
If this made you feel all the feels, my job here is done 🙂
Oh Dana, I love this post! I got teary-eyed reading this. I barely held it together for C’s first day of preschool… A grand total of 3 hours. How am I supposed to survive the teenage years? Thanks for sharing this sweet post <3
You’ll survive – you have many years between now and then. Not that it gets much easier, but you get used to it as your kids grow and need you less. I think all moms can relate to the feelings, though.
My son is an only child and I’ve known from the time I was pregnant I did not want more. This means every moment with him is the last time I’ll experience that as a mother. It’s nice to know that with one or more, other parents still experience the emotions that come with milestone moments.
It is – reading all the comments for this post from parents who can relate to my feelings has really made me feel better about it all. Well, maybe not better, but there is comfort in knowing I’m not the only one.
August always leaves me with a lump in my throat too. I hate to watch them go. They need to go. But so hard. This is motherhood, isn’t it? You wrote this beautifully. Thanks for sharing.
Thank you for making me feel like I’m not alone!
So Beautiful! Love you all!
Hi Dana, sorry to comment twice on the same post. Just stopping by to let you know I enjoyed it so much I shared a link to it on my blog today. Hope you’re having a great day! Marie
Thank you Marie – heading over now!
Since I have four kids, I often roll through the ends and beginnings of things without pausing to contemplate the significance of each step along the way. That’s why I love reading blogs like this – you remind me of what’s important. Thanks! The blubbering in the bagel shop was worth it!
It was, and I’m glad I could remind you!
1. What was August’s deal? It’s tough for me, with it being the month my dad died. It’s tougher than transitions. I do feel the transitions, in my kids’ eyes. I see that they are sad summer is over. I see they’re tired, but they’re talking about stuff they did in school. I love that.
2. We talk about milestones. I love that you acknowledged the lasts,. I wonder, if I knew that would be the last time I took a 9-year-old fishing, would have done it differently? If I knew it was the last time my middle child would ask me to play UNO at bedtime, would I have said yes to another game?
3. That your kids have a mama who sees all this and feels all this, that’s something they’re someday going to feel themselves, you know. They might not know you cried in the bagel shop, but when they do too, they’ll understand how you’ve felt all their lives.
I know what you mean about lasts. I think about the lasts that I didn’t know were lasts until much later, and it makes me sad that I didn’t know it at that time. And yes, my kids will eventually understand, if and when they have the privilege of parenting kids as awesome as they are.
Every time I start thinking about this year being the last for my son at home, I feel sad. We’ve started the college hunt…but I just have a hard time imagining him not being here every day. Meanwhile, my other son is making plans to claim his big brother’s room, which at one point was his, and his brother talked him into trading a few years back, which he regretted within the week. At any rate, I haven’t gotten too emotional yet, but I know it’s coming.
It’s unavoidable, isn’t it? I have a few friends who just took their oldest to college, and I feel for them.
Ugh I’m crying with you! This is so much to think about. I agree and my baby is only 2!! He stopped breastfeeding recently and even though I will most likely get to breastfeed another one…it’s still not JR! I have a lot of beginnings and ends to look forward to, should the Creator will it. I just feel so deeply where you are coming from with this. A very wonderful heart felt post right here, Dana.
Thank you, Brittnei!
Dana this is beautiful. Mine are young with so many more firsts and lasts left to do but I feel this too. Beginning and ending not being f opposites and significant only because of what we attach to them. I hope they, and you, had a good first day.
They did, Tricia – thank you. I think we all feel it – from the moment our children our born. It’s all part of growing, and raising humans. 🙂
Dana, this is amazingly beautiful and perfect and OMG *SOB* – so these beginnings and endings don’t get better? I can’t believe how incredibly sad I am about kindergarten. Sigh. Huge hugs to you, mama. You are amazing and so are your kids. Here’s to driving, and religion, and growing up and them becoming more and more out there – in the world. I have every confidence that the next years will go by too slowly and too quickly and that you will find the perfect balance of hanging on and letting go.
Big huge hugs. Again. I’ve been spontaneously tearing up for days.
They don’t get any better; I suppose you just get used to them. I’ve been spontaneously tearing up for days too. Waterproof mascara at the bar mitzvah for sure!
Um yeah, waterproof mascara for LIFE, um is that okay?
I use the tubes kind, so it just comes off in clusters instead of running down my face 🙂
Ohhh Dana, this is breathtakingly beautiful, and so achingly full of goodness and sadness and all the things in between. What a summer you’ve had, and what wonderful firsts are to come.
I understand that it’s sad, but also absolutely brilliant, because LOOK AT THEM GO! They’re awesome. Your son, taking such steps in his faith. Your daughter – going to be driving soon. The pair of them growing, surrounded by your love and care, knowing that they can come to you any time, with anything, and that you’ll take them seriously and put them first…
You are doing an OUTSTANDING job of parenting these two wonderful young people. And you are fulfilling your role – as you’ve identified – the pinnacle of parenthood is (perhaps) seeing your child grow up and become a confident, secure, independent, capable adult.
And the firsts won’t run out. The loss of these things – these ‘lasts’ is bound to hurt, because that’s the way of it, but the firsts you have to come will be GLORIOUS 🙂
This, and you, are AWESOME. x
Oh, Lizzi, what a beautiful comment. You made me cry, but in a good way. You always have perspective, and it helps me see the silver linings. YOU are awesome.
*hugs* Good. You sweet, funny friend of mine…I didn’t mean to make you cry! I’m glad it was in a good way…
Beautifully said, especially the part about how can I allow them to have a new beginnings without me? That is the hardest part of my oldest starting college. She’s starting all these new things and having so many new experiences and I can’t be a part of any of them. Wishing I had something comforting to say. Feeling your pain with you. Can totally picture crying in a bagel shop… 🙁
Just reading your comment, and all the others, is comforting to me. I’ll be where you are in two short years; I’ll have to pick a new bagel shop to cry in!
{{Hugs}} I quite get how you feel!! Today was the first day of school for my boys!
It helps to know that other moms feel the same way. Thanks for the hugs, and I hope your boys had a great first day!
You’ve done it again, Dana, capturing the universal feelings of parents as our children move on in their lives without us. I remember high school, and particularly when my kids got their driver’s license, as the time it really hit me that they were living their own lives and I was only privy to what they wished to share with me. I think that is why it is so, so important to build those lines of communication and trust with your kids from the time they are teeny, tiny.
Mazel to your son, safe driving to your daughter and hugs to you.
Thank you for all three! I know you understand, and I love reading your posts about your adult children, because it reminds me that my role as a mother won’t end when they are 18. It will change, of course, but I’ll always be their mommy.
Such a beautiful post, Dana! I both look forward to and don’t want these days to come (even though I have a few years before they do). It’s crazy how fast they change; it’s both amazing and terrifying.
Mazel Tov on your son’s upcoming Bar Mitzvah, such a wonderful milestone!
Thanks so much, Bev. Looking forward to the milestones and not wanting them to come so soon – I get it. There is always that push and pull.
I think August is such a bittersweet time. School is starting, and summer is ending, and there are all these reminders that life is whooshing by. Yet, it’s reassuring to know that this is how it is supposed to be and that endings bring new beginnings.
Life certainly does whoosh by – I like that phrase. I just wish the whooshing would slow down a little!
Awww Dana this is so sweet. I’m not having a milestone year, I guess that’s why I am perfectly fine. Christopher will turn ten in December, but after that I still have one more year of elementary school, one more year to be “fine”. I think. This might be the year that I’m dismissed from walking him to the bus stop in the morning. I don’t know if I’ll be fine with that.
Did your son know you were taking his picture walking down the driveway?
He didn’t know at first, but he walked so fast I couldn’t get a good shot, so I made him do it again 🙂 I do it every year – makes it a little easier to not follow him to the bus stop.
***All of the firsts matter because they follow the lasts.***
….beautiful, relevant, identifiable post. I Love.
Thank you Kim!
Oh lady, this is so perfect. I’m sorry I’m not there in that bagel shop with you right now. I’m sorry that as we give our children wings it means we also feel the loss of letting go. But I’m proud you wrote it, in public and all, to give so many of us the words we needed to express these precious moments.
Thank you Kerri – and I really felt like I couldn’t get all the words out. We do have to let go – that’s our job. But sometimes it sucks and it’s really hard.
Beautiful post Dana! As much as we look forward to each milestone our children go through, there is always that lingering sentiment of another phase ending. If only it were easier. Sending you virtual hugs!
Hugging you back, Ana Lynn – thank you!
Oh Dana, you’ve got me crying too! And thinking about how the beginnings and endings in my life aren’t really opposites, but rather two connected parts of a circle. Someday my son will be at the age where he will begin without me, and no doubt I’ll turn to writing to help ease the breathlessness I will undoubtedly feel.
And I hope I’ll be here to read those words, and cry along with you. And maybe play some Broadway tunes…
I’ve got a week of firsts coming up next week and that breathless feeling has been striking at random for the past few days. These past couple of years I feel as though I’ve been hammered at relentlessly by all of these firsts and lasts. No matter how old they are, it really doesn’t get any easier does it?
Hugs.
It really doesn’t. But the hugs help, so thank you 🙂
I just love your eloquence Dana and you!!!!
I love you too, Sue xoxo
Boy, Dana. This blog, once again, touched my heart! Now I know that when I have certain feelings and thoughts that I am not alone. You put into words what I feel so very often. Don’t know if it’s due to advancing age 🙂 or just my sentimental side. Tamara and both Allie’s said perfectly what I feel. Talk about bittersweet, my youngest child, your sister, just turned 40! Wow, where did the time go? All I can say to you and your friends who are feeling the beginnings and ends is to savor each and every day, not only the milestones, because they all go by in a blink. By savoring you’re more likely to remember. What I find most frustrating and sad is not remembering all of your childhood and even my grandkids’. Was I paying enough attention??…….
You were paying enough attention, you just can’t possibly remember everything. As long as you remember the feelings, that’s enough. I may not remember everything about my childhood, but I know it was happy. I hope my kids can say the same.
That’s the cruel irony of parenthood. The bitter sweetness of milestones. It’s almost too much to take sometimes. Beautiful post Dana!
Thanks Allie. It is almost too much to take. Almost. It helps to have other parents who can relate, so thank you!
Beautiful
Thank you. I almost added your bday, but Mom’s comment took care of that. Now everyone knows how old you are 🙂
I’m also blubbering here. We’ve got our first beginning and end day next week. Malone will be off to Kindergarten on Sept 4th and the 3rd will be the last day we’ll get to have as a schedule free, do as we please kind of family. I’ve spent most of his five years as a stay at home mom and it is bittersweet to surrender him to the schedule of school days.
Mazel Tov in advance of Saturday. I hope it is a lovely lovely day!
Thank you NJ! I’ll be thinking of you next week as Malone heads off to kindergarten – enjoy all the days until then!
See these are the kind of things that no one warns you about, when you become a parent, well maybe a little bit but we become so busy and before we know we are dealing with beginnings and endings. All parents deal with this my parents dealt with this too – i ask myself often (when was the last time that I rode in my mom’s car as a passenger ) I don’t remember it was not important to me i was ready to move on – to the next thing…but I am certain that my mom remembers- I think its because parents are the watchers while the children do…that is all I have 🙂
We are watchers – you’re right, Marisa. No one warns you, although I suspect we wouldn’t believe them even if they did!
It’s so, so hard, isn’t it? The boys start kindergarten tomorrow and I’m barely keeping it together. I know they will be fine and I will be too, but it’s this moment of their first day of school when it seems like their first day of LIFE was just a few days ago. I’m glad to see you still emotional over this in middle and high school. I think when you’re a good, loving mom, it just never gets easier to see your kids taking steps into adulthood! Damn this parenting thing!!!
It never gets easier, that’s so true. Knowing so many of you are sending kiddos off to kindergarten makes me even more nostalgic. How was that 11 years ago?
I hope this was somewhat cleansing for you.
It was cleansing for me to read – just to know of others who cry in bagel shops, have weird dreams about things like frozen ravens, and who feel the breathlessness.
Although I mean mine literally. I have breathed more heavily lately. I have in the past during times of change too. It’s just another weird Tamara-ism. I gave up nausea for this? Sucks.
I have different beginnings and ends but to feel them this deeply right now makes me worry about how I will feel them in ten years. I have to believe I’m building at least some immunity. Doubtful but hopeful.
It was cleansing – it didn’t take away the breathlessness but it helped. I don’t think you are building up immunity, but I think you’ll just get used to the deep feelings. And take each beginning and end as they come. I tend to think ahead and overwhelm myself, and that does me no good. I know kindergarten won’t be easy for you, but you know your girl is ready, and will be fine. And so will you.
I hear you – so hard and yet so exciting all at the same time!!! This whole summer I kept reminding myself that we are down to just a couple more with both boys home – not ready to handle that yet!!!
Neither am I, Kim. We’ll have to lend each other some moral support when the time comes. 🙁
Hugs to you!! I share your bittersweet August sentiments with birthdays and school starting and summer ending too soon. I love the analogy, though, of the circle. The endings are hard, but they lead to new beginnings and, hopefully, those beginnings will lead to beautiful things in the future!
I know you understand, Lisa – I think the August birthdays make it even harder. So many endings and beginnings at once. My heart is overwhelmed.
This is just beautiful and speaks of the nostalgia I feel at ends. I hope it is a wonderful year for both.
Thank you Sarah! I know it’s a big year at your house – hope you and M. are doing ok!
Well, at least I am sitting at home right now reading this, because yes I too am blubbering away here and admit my emotions might be a bit more heightened as Emma starts kindergarten for the first time next week after Labor Day here and have been an absolute mess myself off and on for months and now with is closing in on it, it’s even worse right now for me. And this still early enough beginnings for me, so I can only imagine how I will be each step of the way now, too.
I feel for you, Janine. I know how hard it is to send your first baby off to kindergarten, and I wish I could say something to make it easier. I’ll just have to send you a virtual hug.xoxo