My next door neighbor is a nudist.
Fortunately, our houses are situated in such a way that I cannot gaze upon her nakedness from my own home. My less fortunate neighbor on the other side of her house, however, gets an eyeful should she dare to look out her dining room window while the nudist is sunbathing.
Our neighborly relationship with the Smiths* did not get off to a strong start. Within days of moving in, my mother hit the cable box in their yard as she backed out of our curvy driveway. Later that first year, a friend hit that same cable box while she was backing out.
Mr. Smith then informed us that we would have to pay for the repair if the box was damaged again. I think that may have been the first time he talked to us. In fact, he only talks to us if he has a request, demand, or complaint.
Neighborly Love
We share a driveway with the Smiths, which is a huge pain in the ass, particularly during snowstorms. Mr. Smith has a snowblower, which he will use on the private portion of this driveway, plus on exactly half of the portion we share. Who does that?
Apparently the nudist’s husband does that. He goes out, snow blows his half, and goes back inside. At least he’s wearing clothes.
When the Smiths put their above ground pool in about five years ago, I was disappointed. If they were investing in a pool, clearly they weren’t thinking of moving out anytime soon. It’s not that they are horrible neighbors, but they are the least friendly people I have ever met. We have lived in our house for thirteen years, and I have spoken with Mrs. Smith no more than five times.
So the pool goes in, installed next to the existing deck. The deck does nothing to obscure the view for my poor friends on the other side of the Smiths. The Mrs., while in good shape, is no Kate Moss. I’d guess she is in her early fifties, and she sunbathes au natural when her son is home. Her son is in his early twenties.
Eeeewww.
The Smiths have hosted exchange students when their own daughter was still in high school. A few years ago they hosted a student as empty nesters. I found that odd; isn’t part of the experience living with another teen? I would not send my kid to another country to live with a nudist and a selfish snow blower with no kids at home. But maybe that’s just me.
I know we could have it much worse. When it comes to my neighbors, the Smiths are quiet and clean, and they have a lawn service. (Which comes at 7:00 a.m. on Saturday mornings – again, who does that?) I know I shouldn’t complain, because really they are just a bit odd and kinda annoying.
I just wish Mrs. Smith would keep her clothes on.
*Smith is not their real last name. I’m protecting their privacy, although I’m 99% sure they would never, ever read this. I’m fairly certain they don’t even know our last name, unless they were mistakenly delivered our mail.
I came over to attempt to get caught up. You better believe I clicked on the post with the word “naked” in the title first! Naked neighbors…at least they’re keeping it interesting, but frankly, I would think all this nakedness would make them a little more…er…um…friendly.
You would think, right? But it’s not the kind of nakedness that really invites friendship. It’s more of the “avert your eyes and pretend they don’t exist” kind.
OMG! That is all. Just OMG. All of it. My husband snowblows have our block! Driveways and sidewalks.
Can you move next door to us, please?
This was a good prompt, but I had nothing for it. Wow, Dana. I can totally sympathize with your concern. I find that many more people are sort of introverted like they are though. Introverts and rather strange can be quite alarming as you have so eloquently shared with us. I think that would make me a little upset that the neighbor couldn’t just use the snow blower for the entire drive way. And the nudist would certainly concern me though I would do my best to ignore her, I hope.
That’s what I do, Brittnei. And you are right, many people are introverts. I poke fun here, but I know that my neighbors aren’t that bad. I could have much, much worse!
Hey! I’m an introvert– I just need time to warm up to people, and in measured doses, like small groups and one-to-one. After large gatherings and such, I need alone time to recharge, but… I like to socialize.
That said, my wife has gotten to know the neighborhood, while I haven’t really. I keep saying I mean to change that.
seriously?
is free body the same as free speech?
I do believe I’d be quite uncomfortable…escpecaily if Mr. L. was gawking over there!!
—-actually, it’s perfectly acceptable in Europe. xx
Yes, it is! She has every right, but it makes it difficult for my other neighbor’s kids to play outside. Fortunately we can’t see anything from our yard!
OMG, that is too funny! I had a college friend who loved to walk around naked. I always felt really weird having a conversation with her when she was just sitting there buck nekked (we were friends before we were roommates…the nudity was a bit of a shock). You know what they say, though…good fences make good neighbors!
So true. Unfortunately my neighbors don’t have a fence, or any plans to put one in!
I would give anything for this type of neighbor! I know that sounds crazy, but my neighbors are all poor neighbors in their own way. My elderly neighbor blows snow onto our driveway from hers, and in the fall, she blows all the leaves from her yard into ours to clean up. She has taken off the fence in between our yards (we have dogs) and I have barely ever went in my backyard without catching her hiding behind a bush listening in to my conversations.
The other neighbors are all parents with kids who scream until past our bedtime, ride their bikes on our lawn, and undue our shoveling in the winter.
The best neighbors we have smoke weed every day and the smell wafts into our kitchen. And we live in a pretty expensive neighborhood!
I would trade seeing some tatas for what I’ve got.
Yes, I wouldn’t trade you – I’m sorry you have such crappy neighbors!
I can’t believe she lays out naked!!! I sometimes layout on our back deck when I only have a short time and don’t want to bother going to the pool or swim beach and I always wonder if people are bothered that I’m out there in my bikini. Now I don’t feel so bad!!!
You shouldn’t feel bad at all, Kim. And really, my neighbor has every right to be out there in the buff. I just don’t want to see it, and I know my other neighbor doesn’t want her kids to see it!
omg!!
Shouldn’t they be complained? There are children growing in the neighborhood!!
Good luck, Dana
although at a distance I am laughing hard, but am sure living in such a community is no fun.
xoxo
Fortunately, everyone else in my neighborhood is awesome, Ruchira. So I count my blessings!
Great and funny post, Dana!
In my old neighborhood, one neighbor borrowed the other neighbors lawn mower for about four years straight (the mower owner had a lawn service and was no longer using the lawn mower). One winter we had several horrible snow storms and poor Linda would be out there shoveling away while the lawn-mower-borrower used his snow blower to clean his driveway, and always went back inside without ever offering to let her borrow the snow blower. She was furious, and wanted to march over and ask for her lawn mower back, but she didn’t because she was too nice.
What a jerk – I would have been furious! I just don’t understand how people can be so rude intentionally.
My next door neighbor is a 70-year-old former Las Vegas showgirl. She loves sunbathing topless — in plain view from my bedroom window. At first I was shocked. Now I just admire the fact that she has the most spectacular breasts I’ve ever seen on a 70-year-old. Then again, I think those may be the only 70-year-old’s breasts I’ve ever seen — so maybe I’m not a good judge.
If you think they are pretty spectacular, I bet they are! I support topless sunbathing much more when I don’t have to see it myself.
What unpleasant neighbors! And, just eeww…
I know…
Thanks for the smiles, D! Totally agree with Mimi and Tamara, the lines “I would not send my kid to another country to live with a nudist and a selfish snow blower with no kids at home. But maybe that’s just me.” will stick with me for a while! Love, love your wit!
Thank you Laura! I thought of you and M, when I wrote this – I’m jealous of both of you for having such awesome neighbors. Not that I don’t have them, but it would be lovely to visit you and be able to walk home:)
Okay- first of all I just freaking LOVE your humor Dana!! And second of all… what the? HALF the driveway? Are you KIDDING ME?
Naked sunbathing with your SON at home? Exchange student as empty nesters who are naked? Whoa?!
What a tale!!! Oh my…
*Take a picture* *Just because* *Block out the face for privacy reasons* *Why not?* *Have your neighbor friend who can really see them do it* *Just because*
No way, Chris! I’m poking fun, but I’m not going that far! You are just trying to stir up trouble;)
Hi Dana: somehow, the situation that you’re in does sound like a set up for a sitcom. “Quirky neighbor family has a overly rigid husband, and a backyard nudist wife. Hilarity ensues when…..” Given your writing talents, you could totally turn that into a great screen play. Something like Meet the Fokkers. But more in your voice….
Oh, if only, Anna! I’m still a bit nervous about them reading this; there’s no way I could share that all on a sitcom. Although we’d probably move when I got rich and famous:)
I’d hate to live in your neighborhood. Not because of the nudists, but because of people like you and the posters on here. Your friends and family damaged their property twice, and they tell you NEXT time you’ll have to pay? Really? You didn’t pay the other two times? No wonder they want little to to with you.
Some really twisted comments on here.
The comments are made in the same spirit in which I wrote this post: lighthearted poking fun, with no malice intended.
The cable box is not their property; it is the cable company’s. And my neighbors did not have to pay for the repairs.
DYING. So funny. Maybe that is what is going in behind the deer dance next to me? & please tell me he doesn’t blow the snow ON to your half? Loved this.
You are better off not knowing what goes on behind there, Allison. And no, he doesn’t blow snow on our half. He actually started blowing our side too the past few winters – it’s very difficult to get down the driveway with just half cleared.
” I would not send my kid to another country to live with a nudist and a selfish snow blower with no kids at home. But maybe that’s just me.” That might be the best quote I’ve read today.
It’s not just you!
I like that line, too, Tamara. I’m quite certain I will never have the occasion to write it again!
this sounds like the beginning of a story in an adult themed magazine. quite odd.
Well, that was my way of catching your interest, Mike!
Well, I’m glad you get the obscured view!
So am I, Sarah!
Eeks!! They sound odd to say the least!!! Too bad you’re stuck with them but I congratulate you on the fact that you can’t see her sunbathing! 😀
Yes. I do count my blessings for that!
We don’t have close neighbors and sometimes I want to move to a neighborhood where the houses are closer together…and then I read something like this. 🙂
Fortunately our other neighbors are great! And I know we could have it much worse.
I clicked over because I saw your title in another “commentluv” comment and I HAD to read it! I have a neighbor who isn’t exactly a nudist, but he’s a 70+ year old man (with a rather large belly) who walks around his yard in nothing but his little briefs. (Seriously – and he doesn’t have a privacy fence! So my little one can’t have her bedroom curtains open – EVER!)
That said? Wow – these guys take the cake! They sound… umm… interesting!
I think your guy has mine beat – at least mine is in her backyard, where only my one poor neighbor can see! Walking around in briefs – that could scar your daughter! So glad you came over to share neighbor stories, Jac.
I can’t believe he only snow blows half the driveway. What a jerk! And I definitely would not send children to live with nudists! Yikes!
I just hope she didn’t sunbathe nude when they had a exchange student!
Laughing right here along with you. It’s kind of like family. Can’t pick ’em, gotta live with ’em. Oh how I love that another neighbor gave you their snowblower to finish the job. My late husband wouldn’t consider a house I loved “because of that damn shared driveway.” I thought he was nuts. Who gives a damn about a driveway? Perhaps he had a point after all.
Love that another neighbor commented here – May you guys get together for many a wine and a laugh!
I will never share a driveway again – it’s a pain in the butt. And yes, that other neighbor is the one who gets the full view – I consulted her before writing this post!
If I can laugh at this post (and I did!) then everyone can laugh! Made my morning. And don’t forget their annual trips to Hedonism… He was wearing a shirt with that written on it the day we moved in!
I did not know about that, Erica! Really? Interesting…
EWWW Gross. And rude. Who the heck snow blows HALF a driveway? I keep thinking of that Seinfeld episode when Jerry’s girl walked around naked all the time, so he tried it and realized men were not meant to be naked.
Ha! Thank goodness the nudity is reserved for the back deck.
Hilarious! (Maybe more for me than for you.). I can’t believe he only clears half the drive. When I have to deal with people like that, I remind myself how good it is that I don’t make life so hard for myself. He must put a lot of energy into being miserly, poor guy.
I thought that too. Sometimes he is a little more generous – I bet he felt bad when he saw our other neighbors loaning us their snow blower to finish our half. And it is funny – I choose to be amused instead of annoyed!
This made me laugh laugh laugh. I love that I live where you live and I get to gaze at the nudist when they are clothed. I hope I have that look…”i know what you do in your backyard”. Have you ever had the conversation, “Hi Mrs. H, just wanted you to know that we are nudist. Hope you don’t mind or have a problem with that. Oh, what’s that, you have two children…that’s okay, they are getting an education on the beauty of the human body.” Did they come out and tell you or are you just assuming they are nudist?? Happy Friday. You as always, made my day. xoxo
No, I don’t really think she is an “official” nudist – I just think she sunbathes naked. To my knowledge, he remains fully clothed. But you’d have to ask E., she lives on the naked viewing side of their house!
“I would not send my kid to another country to live with a nudist and a selfish snow blower with no kids at home.” I am going to be thinking about this line and smiling all day.
I don’t know what’s more disturbing: naked sunbathing with son at home or snow blowing HALF a driveway. Who does that?
I know, Mimi. I know.
I am seriously appalled, not so much by the nudist or her husband that only does half a driveway; but more so by our fellow commenters. I may live outside the US, but I am still an American at heart. I understand that as such, all Americans have the right to voice an opinion. But using that right must also carry with it the burden of responsibility.
I am typically unfriendly to just about everyone. I don’t much care what people think about me because they rarely see beyond their own ‘yard’. If the nudist is really something that is as offensive as an HOA, perhaps being more friendly than your neighbors would be a better route and make the first move in trying to establish a more equitable relationship? How hard is it really to make a pot of coffee and grab some mugs and try to start up a chat? Or meeting the husband during those snowstorms and working together and meeting in the middle with a cup of hot chocolate?
Because I see the nudist and her husband as being able to do as they wish in their own residence (which is typically clearly defined on paper and property lines), it includes being able to sunbathe in the birthday suit when and where within those boundaries. If I was the neighbor on the opposite side where I might actually have to see something less than my wife or Sandra Bullock; well then I can always try and talk it out with them… they do make some really nice fences that would block out the view in a worst case scenario.
Hosting exchange students as an empty nest isn’t a bad thing either. It’s not so much about living with another school aged person as it is experiencing the cultures, the systems, and the manner in which life is led. The neighbors doing so says volumes in that they are willing to open their hearts and homes to people that they do not know from Adam, and that also relates to how friendly they ‘can’ be.
If all the people take away from this post is that there is a nudist in the cul-de-sac, then people really have strayed away from what it means to actually be neighborly.
I appreciate your comment, Frank. Yes, we could be friendlier to the Smiths, as they could be friendlier to us. However, I don’t think either of us are looking for anything more than civility, and we have achieved that. This post was intended to be a lighthearted rant and not an essay on the virtues of being neighborly, and I think most commenters have taken it in that spirit.
That sounds awful! 7AM on Saturdays? Isn’t that illegal? Your story makes me laugh: we’ve been in our house for 13 years. We’ve got a steep, curvy driveway and the cable box at the bottom of it has been hit by no less than 3 people. Although, we’ve never had anyone pay for it – nor have we been charged. Stinks to have neighbors you aren’t at least “friendly” with.
It could be so much worse, Stephanie, and I know that. I suppose I just think it’s a shame because my other neighbors are such good friends. And I was wondering about the cable box too- why should they have to pay for it if they didn’t hit it? They didn’t ask for it to be on their property.
I really, but really do not want to see other people naked. I have seen my fair share of nudists because they have a tendency to overrun the Croatian beaches in summer and when a 70 year old man decides… never mind, I don’t want to give you that mental image. I guess the good thing is they are not throwing large nudist parties!
Very true. I don’t think she is a nudist beyond sunbathing in her backyard. The issue is that she is in plain sight of other people, including children. When you have to be careful about letting your kids play in your own backyard, that’s a problem.
And I thought I had some crazy neighbors in my day. Yours definitely take the cake and would you are a winner (probably more losing end, but still) for yours! But still definitely couldn’t help, but giggle a bit about the nudist part 😉
You just have to giggle about it, Janine. What else can you do?
Oh my! Thankfully no nudist neighbors (that I’m aware of). We do face into the sports field of a high school, which I surprisingly kind of like. There is something soothing about hearing football practice going on.
One thing I have found interesting, though, about being a homeowner is you put all this thought into the overall neighborhood and obviously the home itself, but not much into the neighbors. We’re in a condo and had no idea who our fellow condo-owners were!
That’s an excellent point, Bev. Neighbors can be a total crapshoot, and fortunately we’ve done well. Even these neighbors aren’t really bad.
EWWWW is right. No one should have to even know that. I’ve been disappointed when I’ve seen people doing permanent stuff like the above ground pool – which means – okay you’re not leaving. There’s always hope living in a military town that some people aren’t here to stay but not in the case of an above ground pool. We’ve lived here for 10 years and as far as neighbors go, I wouldn’t say we’ve struck gold but it’s not bad at all really.
You rarely strike gold, I think. But like you, I feel like we’ve made out okay. If this is all I have to complain about after 13 years here, I consider myself lucky.
Best line ever: “I would not send my kid to another country to live with a nudist and a selfish snow blower with no kids at home.”
My neighbors are super friendly but incredibly boring compared to your nudist! I think I’d enjoy a nudist in the neighborhood… but she would have to be friendly.
Great post, Dana!
Thanks, Nicki. They really aren’t that exciting; I think the neighbor that gets an eyeful would prefer utterly boring!
Wow! Your neighbours suck! They sound very odd indeed! Thank goodness you don’t have to put up with the view, or I’d recommend some Leylandii!
Ok, I had to google Leylandii. Yes, that would be a good way to block the view. That’s one reason my other neighbors haven’t trimmed the trees in their own backyard; at least they block a little.
OMG GROSS. We actually have a crazy neighbor that I was so so planning on talking about but then my lamo 45-minute post went elsewhere. Ours is like OCD or whatever and screams at her mailbox…. but the nudie one? OUCH!!! Also, when can I come over?
Today! I still feel a bit weird about posting this; I’m really not looking to start something with my neighbors, and they are certainly not crazy. If they somehow find this post I will have to move!
I could handle a nudist. My neighbors are often loud and borderline obnoxious. My downstairs neighbor (I live in an apartment) either has his music up too loud during the day or he loudly sets down his weights on the concrete patio. So annoying! At least the nudist isn’t making noise.
You are right, Kim. It could be so much worse, and I do appreciate that!
Seriously! ? I cannot believe she lays out in her backyard naked, in a subdivision. Are they European? Do you have an HOA? Although, I guess that wouldn’t matter, unless it was in the bylaws. I’m going to bed – and buying all my neighbors a bottle of wine tomorrow! Feeling like a lucky girl, after only reading a few neighbor posts.
Not European, and no HOA. Nothing to be done except avert the eyes!