As the mother of a teen driver, this post sponsored by Responsibility.org is one of the most important pieces I have ever written. All opinions, fears, worries, and teens quoted are my own.
When I first got my license as a teenager, I remember thinking that I would never be able to relax in the car. I drove with my hands clenched so tightly around the wheel that they would ache when I turned off the engine. I chose my radio station while the car was in park and I didn’t dare glance down to change it en route. I wouldn’t talk to a passenger, for fear of being distracted and getting in an accident.
Eventually driving became easy, but that first year was terrifying. Now that my 16 year-old daughter Gwen has her learner’s permit, that terror is back. I clench my hands on the passenger side door handle, and am on high alert for any idiots on the road that may hurt my baby. I am well aware that motor vehicle crashes are the number one killer of teenagers ages 15-20.
Gwen is doing a great job, but she has her father or me sitting next to her to guide her. In four months, she will be in that car all alone.
She has taken a driver’s education course and passed the written test. She will log six hours of driving with an instructor, and at least 54 more hours of driving with Matt or me. I’m confident that she will be able to handle the mechanics of driving by the time she gets her license.
Her driving behaviors, however, are what could ultimately save her life. Driving is more than just knowing the rules of the road, and Matt and I need to have conversations with her about possible scenarios that could occur while she (or a friend) is behind the wheel.
IKnowEverything is a program of the Foundation for Advancing Alcohol Responsibility (Responsibility.org), and it helps us start those conversations. We have more influence on Gwen’s driving behavior than any instructor or peer, and we have to set a good example behind the wheel.
Gwen sees me obeying the speed limit. She was in the car with me when I was pulled over for speeding, so that was a learning experience for both of us that does not need to be repeated. She sees that I always wear my seat belt, and that I never drive while intoxicated. She and James will call me out for glancing at an incoming text while driving, and I have re-committed to not lay hands or eyes on my phone while I’m behind the wheel. When I’m alone in the car, I hear my kids’ voices in my head when my phone buzzes on the passenger seat, and I keep my eyes on the road.
Modeling safe behaviors isn’t enough, though. Kids need to walk through scenarios, so if and when they occur, they will be ready. Earlier this year, the IKnowEverything program conducted game show-style events at high schools all over the country. Forty-three percent of students reported wishing they had more knowledge on how to handle different driving situations when they first started driving.
Forty-three percent. That’s too many uncertain teen drivers on the road.
I asked Gwen a few of the questions at dinner the other night. Her brother listened in, because in three years he will be in the driver’s seat.
1. You’re going with friends to a party and your best friend is the driver. During the party, you see your friend drinking alcohol. Party’s over and your friend is your ride home. What should you do?
I would say that I’d drive home, or I would say let me call my mom. Then I’d call you and yell, “Fuchsia! I left my fuchsia umbrella at home!”
Gwen’s emergency word is fuchsia. We’ve told her that if she needs us to come get her immediately, just use the word fuchsia and we will get her, no questions asked (at that time, anyway).
2. You’re driving on a two-lane road when you get a text. There’s no one else on the road, so you……..
My phone would be on Do Not Disturb, so I wouldn’t know I got a text unless it was from you or Dad. (I then asked what she would do if it was Dad or me.) I would just ignore it. If James was with me, he would check my phone.
3. You’re driving with a friend who’s distracting you…what do you do?
Say stop, and tell them they are distracting me. But I don’t think any of my friends would do that.
I disagree, but this was not the time to get in an argument. Unfortunately I think she will learn firsthand that her friends will not sit in the car with their hands in their laps, lips sealed.
4. Driving home, you make a last minute stop. Your phone’s GPS insists your route is wrong. Now you need to reprogram it. What would you do?
If I were on a highway, I would get off at the nearest exit so I could pull into a neighborhood or a parking lot to look at my phone.
*****
I think Gwen did pretty well, but the IKnowEverything survey results reveal many areas that need improvement.
Clearly the conversations that parents have with their kids are important. The ten minute conversation I had with Gwen helped her prepare for situations that she may be faced with, and could ultimately save her life or the life of someone else on the road.
We talk about it at the dinner table.
We talk about it while I’m driving.
We talk about it after she’s driven.
We talk about it when she witnesses other teens driving responsibly, or irresponsibly.
We TALK about it.
Don’t think this program is only relevant to parents with teenagers. You are driving yourself, and you may be driving your younger children. Would you want to be driving near a distracted teen driver? We all share the road, and educating teens will make the roads safer for all of us.
This week is National Teen Driver Safety Week. Do you have a teen driver? What are you doing to make sure he or she is safe?
You can follow IKnowEverything on Twitter @IKnowEverything, Facebook, Pinterest, and check out their website at IKnowEverything.com.
My daughter is 4 and I am already worried about her driving later. I am pinning this for future reference. Stay brave!
I will try, Lillian!
this is so helpful dana! even though franco is many years away from driving, it really illustrated to me that i have to model good behavior for my child and to ask questions to see how he would respond in certain situations. such an informative post. thank you!
It never is too early to talk to your kids about safe driving. Okay, it’s a little too early for you, but the time will be here sooner than you think!
This sounds like a great program! Talking about different scenarios is so important.
It really is – I don’t want Gwen to get into a situation and panic because she’s never thought about what to do.
The second hardest thing you’ll do as a parent is allow Gwen to drive off on her own in the car for the first time. The HARDEST thing you’ll do as a parent is allow Gwen to drive James somewhere in the car for the first time. And then you’ll get used to it, and love being able to send her to the store for milk, pick James up from soccer practice, etc, etc!
Debbie, just thinking about both of my kids in the car makes me sick to my stomach! It will be hard, you are right about that. But I will love the errand running. She’s so excited to drive that she will go out for anything I want. That will probably last a month…
I think there is no more “out of control” feeling than being in the passenger seat while your new driver child is driving. It sounds like Gwen has an excellent head on her shoulders and has been well schooled in safe driving. Of course you also have to worry about their friends. It never stops, does it?
It never does. Yesterday I was yelling at her – “This is LIFE or DEATH! A car can KILL you!” Not my finest moment, but she needs to know how big a deal it is.
This is a great post, Dana!! Thanks so much for posting!!
You’re welcome, Roshni – it’s definitely a website to keep in mind when your boys start driving!
My sons driving is a HUGE source of anxiety for me, and I have five years + until my eldest starts driving. OMG. So skeert. I loooove this program, how genius is that? I followed them on twitter and FB just in case I forget about them in five years. hahahah who are we kidding, I’ll forget by tomorrow. OY my memory.
Great post, Dana! Way to go, Gwen!
You’ll forget, but you’ll remember when you need to! I’m scared too, but on the days when I’m in the car for hours driving my kids around, I’m really wishing for another driver in the family.
Driving is a privilege and not a right. The best teacher is usually experience, but for driving I say having a CDL-A would teach a whole lot more. I am an advocate that everyone who wants to hold a drivers license needs to spend 2 to 4 weeks behind the wheel of a big rig. Maybe there would be more respect on the road and less aggressiveness.
But shy of actually being able to do that (federal law mandates that all persons whom wish to drive a commercial vehicle needs to be age 21), I would (and I will when the time comes) tell the kiddos to read the commercial drivers handbook. IIRC, it’s only about 6-700 pages of do’s and don’t and how-to’s. All of which came in very handy while I was an OTR driver and as a personal vehicle driver.
I would teach a course for drivers ed, but I don’t think the schools/companies would like my approach very well as it would not be user friendly. It can’t be too friendly or people become complacent too early, which leads to accidents.
It definitely is a privilege, Frank. And while the book learning is important, the driving experience is crucial.
I was so like you when I first started driving. A car is a powerful vehicle and there are so many people out there driving so poorly. My kids are young yet, but I already see areas where I need to be a better model. Thanks so much for the reminder and the resources!
You’re very welcome, Leslie. It’s never too early to start teaching our kids about safe driving.
Such a great post, Dana! I think you are so right about this. I had to share it! Good for you for having these talks with your daughter. I think I saw you on Twitter participating in a Twitter party recently. Was it for this?
Ok, so I know I have over a decade or so before Eve can even sit in the front seat of a car, but the thought of having a child one day who can drive freaks me out (especially living in one of the worst-rated states for drivers!). I hope something like this will exist when Eve is at the age where she’ll be driving. And I think adults (myself included) could really stand to take this test. Thanks for sharing, Dana!
I’m sure this type of program will still be around, Bev. And you’re right – adults should be held more accountable for their actions behind the wheel. There are some horrible drivers out there.
Thank you for letting me know about this program. xo
You’re welcome, Lisa. Can you believe our babies will be driving all alone? Yesterday they were two years old.
I think that you are doing a wonderful job. Hell, my dad was all “Don’t f*ck up my car” … well I guess that would scare the Jesus take the wheel in ya.
Yes, it would! Unfortunately that threat isn’t enough anymore.
Thank you for this!! Our 16 year old is planning on getting his permit. Our system here has quite the process before he is able to drive alone, and even longer with friends, but the dangers are all still there! I’m going to check out the website, but more importantly, TALK about the scenarios like you did! (Love the fuschia code word!!)
The website is a great resource, Leah. We have a long process too, but the day when Gwen is in the car alone will still be here too soon.
This is a great program. I already know that Frank will be in charge of preparing our kids to drive because I really am not fit for driving given my tendency to panic when a lot of things is happening around me. He is one of the safest drivers I know (and I am not saying that just because he is my husband!) and he has years of experience to back it up and transfer that knowledge to our children. By the way, I do love the idea of emergency word… we always tell our children to call us if there is an emergency but we never thought of having an emergency word.
If you pick one, make sure it’s not one that they would usually use in a conversation. That way it will really stand out if it is ever used.
She did great! Fuschia is a great emergency word.
Oh boy is this scary. I remember when I got my license and my mom let me go out that night to a diner. I could not have been a great driver.. yet. I had just completed my six hours behind the wheel only two months before my 17th birthday.
Luckily I stayed safe.
I know – I think about how nervous I was when I started driving. Gwen doesn’t seem nervous, but that in itself worries me! Some caution is definitely a good thing.
I have a couple of years until I need to worry about this with our next child to drive but this sounds like a great program. Learning to drive is a very big deal and there was a lot to remember when I was a kid. Now it seems there is more to learn and twice as many distractions. I’ll be saving this information for a later date.
I really, really love the idea of the emergency code word. And not just for driving! Great idea!
Thanks, Sandy. We came up with the word long before driving was an issue – it’s just a great way to have the kids communicate with us with friends around.
PS want to meet for a lunch soon? I miss you.
Why is this whole idea so dang terrifying to me? I mean I have 11 more YEARS. But well. I was a teenage a-hole driver. Sometimes, I just have to stop my life for a minute and thank God that I’m even here. Gwen will be great though. I know it.
I love this – and think I will steal some of your questions to use with Jordan!!
And, we are definitely going to steal your emergency word – what a great idea!!!
You may want a different word – James doesn’t like using fuschia 🙂
Dana, your post makes me want to erase all the times I look at my phone while driving or send a quick text at a stop light! I am committing to amend that behavior right now. Thank you! And thank you too for all the valuable and life-saving info. What I’m responding to the most is your level-headed, clear and direct attitude to your kids and to teen driving. Something to aspire to. Wishing Gwen miles of happy and safe driving :).
What a lovely comment – thank you Nicki! I don’t often feel like I’m being level-headed and clear, so I appreciate the feedback. And yes – no more looking at your phone – be safe!!
We are about 5 years off from this, but it is some great advice! I love that you have a code word. I’m going to talk to my kids about that. I think it’s a great way to get out of a tricky situation.
It totally is. And you can text it too, without fear of other kids knowing what’s going on.
This post is very timely. My friend’s 16YO just got his permit. We were discussing how when we were in high school we thought our parents were so mean because I wasn’t allowed to drive my friends around. I was the oldest and first with a license/car. Now that her son has friends that can drive she is faced with that same fear. Except it isn’t the radio/friends that are the distraction. It is all the added electronics. And we swear the cars just drive faster now. At least when I was a teen my bright yellow pacer couldn’t go past 55 without the windows shaking. After we were talking about he son this weekend, my friend called her mom and apologized for being such a brat when she was 16.
Ha – I should do that too. In our state, a new driver can only drive siblings for the first four or five months. I have told Gwen that under no circumstance is she to get in a car with a new driver. There’s a reason that’s the law!
Thanks for this! Very timely for me.
It certainly is, Laura!
Dana, I have never heard of this organization. Thank you. I have to admit, I am not a good example for my children. – I am often distracted. Recently this is something I’ve been consciously working on, because my son will be 14 in a few months, and the one year until his learners permit! So scary. Thank you, I’m going to check out both websites.
I’m glad I was able to give you these resources, Allie. It’s a scary time for parents and teens. So much power behind that wheel.
Great job Dana! I am 3 years away and I have to start practicing what I plan to preach. This is a good reminder for us all!
I agree, Kristine – we all need to practice what we preach!
I think Gwen did great, but I also think you have truly prepared her well and I love that you have a code word, too as I think that makes for even better lines of communication with your kids being comfortable to call you no matter what. Great job, Dana!
Thanks, Janine. We joke about the code word, but in reality my kids know that they have an out no matter what kind of situation they find themselves in.
You should also check for advanced driving schools like the one I took with mackenzie this year. Teen Driving Solutions is ours but I’m
Sure there’s one similar near you. Drivers Ed only teaches them the basic skills. It does not give them the true life actual scenarios like snow on the road, etc. and if yours or anything like mine are, at some point they Tune us out as parents 🙂
That’s a great suggestion, Kristen. Thank you! I will check to see if we have any in our area.
I was crazy when I first got my license and I’m just SO glad there were no cell phones!! I feel like there are so many programs and restrictions on young drivers these days that they have a much better education before getting behind the wheel.
Whenever I want to reach for my phone when I’m driving, I think about a very disturbing billboard I once saw with a picture of two little girls making silly faces. The caption read “A distracted driver killed my sisters.” That’s enough for me!!!
Yep, that would do it for me too. I just remember that no text or phone call is important enough to risk my life, and I pray my daughter remembers that too.
This seems like a great program. I have two teens that drive. I’ve gotten pretty used to it now, but I still get nervous if they’re driving anywhere new. Sounds like your daughter will be well prepared!
I hope so, Marie. And I’m glad to hear that you’ve gotten used to it. I imagine that I’ll be a nervous wreck for awhile.