It starts in October.
It’s in stereo; my mother in one ear and my mother-in-law in the other. Later, the aunts and uncles chime in too, but with less urgency.
I need a list of gift ideas from the kids. And from you. And from Matt.
With that request, the fragile bud of my holiday spirit fights for its tiny little life. I will not let it be stomped and destroyed, yet it’s already bowed under the weight of my stress and frustration.
When my children were younger, I was the Maker of the Lists. I wrote down everything the kids asked for and then some, so that each grandmother would have plenty to choose from. Matt and I were left with the socks and pajamas, which made me resentful. I imagine it’s how Christian parents feel; Santa gets the credit for the best gifts while Mom and Dad give the second string presents. We don’t have Santa, but we have Grammie and Grandpa.
Gwen and James have been making their own lists for years. I couldn’t just give the lists to both grandmothers, so I would divide them and wait for the leftovers so that I could make my own purchases.
Over the last few years, the kids have started to feel the same stress. They don’t really want many things, and they feel like they have to come up with items anyway. I understand that it’s difficult to create a list on demand, and I don’t want to encourage needless gift giving for children who don’t want for much.
My mother-in-law spends the same amount on each of her seven grandchildren; some kids get all gifts, and some get a gift or two and money. My mother loves buying and giving gifts, and she laments over the dwindling pile of wrapped surprises next to the menorah every year.
I’ve told my mother that the kids don’t expect lots of presents, but old habits die hard. We celebrated Christmas and Hanukkah when my sister and I were kids, and the shift to small gifts for Hanukkah is a tough one for her to make. But I’m much less resentful than I used to be; I’m perfectly content to be left with the socks and pajamas. It’s also easier for me to shop without a list. I know what my kids like, and I can find small presents that they will appreciate and use. It’s tougher for grandparents, aunts and uncles to go off the grid.
My family spent Thanksgiving weekend at the beach this year, as is our tradition every other year. I refuse to venture out to the stores at home on Black Friday, but heading out for Moonlight Madness outlet shopping is part of the tradition. The girls headed out at 8:30 pm on Thanksgiving night, with a promise to my nine year old niece that she could join us the next time.
There’s a magic in Moonlight Madness. All of the shoppers and salespeople are pleasant and polite; it’s too soon for the ugliness and impatience that can mar this retail season. Gwen helped my mom and sister knock a few gifts off their lists, but when the stores closed at 2:00 am, we had only conquered two of the three outlet centers. We hit the last center on Friday, when shoppers were decidedly less pleasant and polite. But I witnessed a Black Friday miracle that made my heart swell with holiday spirit.
My father went shopping with us, and he did it willingly and cheerfully.
As we wrapped up our shopping, Gwen saw an Under Armour sweatshirt that she liked, and I offered to buy it for her as a Hanukkah gift. She accepted, but upon noticing that the price was $26, she told me that it could count as a gift for two nights.
Did my teenage daughter just say that a $26 sweatshirt was expensive enough to warrant being a gift for two nights? I mentally patted myself on the back. I’ve been fighting the commercialism of the winter holidays since I became a mother, and clearly the message was seeping through to my daughter.
I suppose it truly is the time of year for miracles.
May your holiday season be joyful, and may your Cyber Monday be full of great deals and free shipping.
Hallelujah!
Okay, I want my daughter to spend time with you daughter! And you’re luck they ask you in October. My in laws usually ask about a week before Christmas, when my shopping is done And I’m out of ideas. I end up putting their names on some of my gifts!
Oh, that would drive me crazy, Allie. I suppose I should count my blessings!
How sweet! My daughter had a hard time coming up with anything for a list too. She said there just wasn’t anything she needed! I’m glad my kids don’t seem to get the gimmes this time of year, but I do get stressed out trying to make lists for family members to choose from.
Love the picture of you and Gwen! We had the exact same experience with my husband’s family. Every year we would have to come up with lists for each of us from which they would select our gifts. It got harder and harder to come up with ideas. Plus, it always felt like we were putting in “an order” for the gifts we wanted. I’d rather get one small item that shows thoughtful consideration than a slew of gifts off my list of “demands”.
Good point, Mo. My kids feel like they need many items on their lists so relatives have things to choose from. Why encourage that excess? We still haven’t figured out how to handle that.
It’s interesting to see how things worked in other families. My grandma after a while would get all the grandchildren the same type of gift just different colors. Things like pajamas and scarves. My mom and my other grandmother on my father’s side used to get us all types of things for Christmas.
It’s difficult to buy kids other than your own gifts – it’s hard to buy my own kids gifts sometimes!
Wow Dana – that’s AWESOME that Gwen wanted a $26 sweatshirt as a 2-night gift! We’ve been hearing “I want that from Santa” for three weeks now regarding EVERY SINGLE item on tv commercials… so I got annoyed last weekend and told Tucker that Santa couldn’t bring him new presents until he gave some toys away. The kid got BUSY – like he was putting stuff that I’d just bought into the pile, which was annoying but awesome. We so far sent 2 huge boxes to his baby cousin, and have another pile of almost-new toys we’re bringing to a shelter and another pile of brand-new toys for another shelter… so um, yeah. I just ordered him a $70 advent calendar. It has a lego every day. I suck at this. But hey, he’s five. Plenty of time to teach the more $26 = 2 gifts lesson… *right???* (ohcrap)
Yes – plenty of time. Totally age appropriate at 5 to want, want, want. And you are showing Tucker the giving side too. Trust me, Gwen was the same way at his age. You’re doing great – you are one of the most giving people I know. That will rub off on Tucker.
YAY! That’s awesome. And look at you and Gwen in the photo – you not letting go first 🙂 Sounds as though you’re reaping the rewards of consistent parenting. Huzzah.
I don’t know so many Christian parents who teach ‘santa’ as anything more than a bit of fun and make-believe. That said, the first thing a kid said in church on sunday (when asked by the leader who we remember at Christmas) was Father Christmas, soo…
Last year, the entire of Christmas was too much for me. I shut down. This year we’re side-stepping gifts and only doing token presents for a few people. The rest of the present budget will go to charity, and we’re asking everyone we know to make donations on our behalf instead of buying us more STUFF. We have enough STUFF. We are abundantly blessed, and want for nothing. T’is the season of opportunity 🙂
That’s wonderful, Lizzi – and definitely what the season is all about. We all have enough stuff, except for the people who don’t. But they don’t write about it; they are living it. I want my kids to realize that, and never forget it.
Dana, that story totally inspired me, and it made me feel I did the right thing for being very angry with my son for making a HUGE stink about the fact that I was “making him” count his new hockey skates as a Hanukkah present. I want them to see that even what they see as “needs” like new skates, are truly NOT needs and with a family of four kids they need to realize that these items add up a ton every year and are totally appropriate as Hanukkah gifts.
Absolutely, Nina! We count “necessary” things as gifts because for kids, almost everything is “necessary.” And I can’t imagine that hockey skates are cheap! I do love how my kids have learned to appreciate whatever they get for Hanukkah. I’m not exactly sure how that happened, but I’ll take it!
i didn’t grow up in a household where we gave presents for christmas, so it is really hard for me to appreciate the excesses of gift-giving. honestly i think it is such a a waste, as i’d much rather just savor time with family with zero stress of finding the perfect gift. you raised your daughter right!
Thanks, Catherine. I do feel much less stressed than many people in December, and I think not worrying about Christmas is a big part of it.
I keep a wish list on Amazon for myself and my mom just pokes in when its the time of year for gifts. I should probably be more like your daughter!
No, I think you are smart! It’s hard to come up with gifts on demand, but keeping a running list all year is a great way to remember the little things you may want.
I am so grateful that my kids were born in the era of Amazon wishlists. For the grandparents that care enough to look, they’ll find a few (only a few) items to choose from for each kid. If they don’t want to look, they’re on their own. It looks like you’ve done a fabulous job instilling a sense of appreciation in your kids. Kudos!
I really should have my kids make wish lists on Amazon – why don’t I do that? And thanks for the kudos, although I think much of the credit goes to the kids.
I love this post and the fact that your daughter was just awesome. Can she come teach my kids the meaning of gratitude? LOL We are still a few years from understanding that money doesn’t grow on trees, but I feel they are learning. Slowly, but surely.
BTW, the midnight shopping sounds divine. I would actually go out for that event. Black Friday is a nightmare!
Agreed! When we went back to the outlets on Friday, it was such a different vibe. In a bad way. But late at night, it’s wonderful!
Aww! Gwen!
I think the Moonlight Madness sounds fun. I just hate getting up early and I hate crowds. I don’t mind staying up late, though.
I know this time of year well. And the kids have six grandparents and… 9 aunts and uncles. And don’t get me started on the cousins and great aunts and uncles.
I’m stressed just reading this comment – oy! I really try to take deep breaths and remind myself of the spirit of the season. It works sometimes, and if it doesn’t, chocolate helps.
I love the beautiful photos you posted, Dana!
I grew up with no gifts on Chanukah – and I’ve tried to do the same for my children, but not at all successfully. They expect – and get – every year. I actually love buying and giving gifts, but it’s the expectation/entitlement that bothers me so much.
This year we have told them they will get one gift (which my husband and I have already decided is a book each) and we will make a donation in each of their names to a charity of their choice. Our Chanukah miracle is that they all thought that was a great idea!
I like buying gifts too, Nicki. But I agree – when it’s expected, it takes the fun out of the giving. Your plan for this year sounds great. We give a book one night and one night is a gift free night. We make a donation too, but we haven’t had the kids pick the place yet. That’s a great idea.
Love this post for so many reasons!!
We are the opposite – no one except us buys for the boys (their grandparents never have) so I tend to go a bit overboard. This year they can’t even come up with anything that they really want. I just want to take a trip but they aren’t ready to give up the gifts completely – maybe in another year or 2!!!
Maybe…I know it’s hard for my mother to cut back on the giving. Sometimes I get my kids things that are related to an upcoming vacation, so I kind of kill two birds with one stone. Things they would need anyway, but that they are excited to get.
I find coming up with gift ideas incredibly stressful, even if it’s just for me! Honestly, most of the time I would prefer something experiential or a donation. And I am trying to rein in the grandmothers who both want to buy Eve all the things. She’s too young to know now, but I don’t want as she gets older to always expect new things from them.
I know exactly what you mean, Bev. It’s tough to rein in the grandmothers!
The question I hate the most this holiday season is, what do the girls want? It does NOT help that they both have November birthdays. Abby has no clue, either. She keeps telling them she doesn’t NEED anything. That needing is better than wanting is a personal high-five for me.
I bet November birthdays make it even tougher. And I’m high-fiving you back – the fact that Abby knows she doesn’t need anything is pretty awesome.
Your heart must have melted when she said you could split the sweatshirt over two nights. Great job Mom!
Thanks, Kelly. It’s nice to get those pat-on-the-back moments.
its; the rewarding moments…that make it all worth it! I hear you though, Dino wants, wants, and wants…it’s hard limiting when other kids get it all. We are trying to teach him that giving is just as wonderful.
It’s a really tough thing to teach, Karen, isn’t it? But it’s worth persevering.
That is awesome! Parenting can be so rewarding 🙂
It can, Allie – and we need to hold onto those times to get us through the completely unrewarding ones!
You just gave me a bit of hope for my girls down the road as just yesterday Emma got so annoyed when she couldn’t have her way and get what she wanted in the store. She is totally still at the instant gratification age and tried my best to explain that she can’t always get everything she sees and wants. Mind you the night before Kevin and I caved to get the girls an iPad mini to share as their big Christmas gift. So, yes I want to believe that my girls will be grateful for that, but get there are limits too. Well done on your part though Dana and like I said you most definitely gave me hope.
Your girls are still so young, Janine. It’s tough at their age – they are old enough to want things but young enough to not understand they can’t have everything. Hang in there!