Have you ever played the game “Never Have I Ever?” There are variations, but the version I know involves one person stating something he or she has never done, and anyone who has done that has to drink.
It’s a more adult version of Truth or Dare, and it just doesn’t seem like it would be as fun as it was as a child. Over a quarter of a century removed from such bare-it-all games, a more appropriate diversion would now be “Never Will I Ever Again.” As I creep inevitably towards that half century mark, there are so many things that I used to do that I will never, ever, do again.
1. Drink a frozen cocktail, a Long Island iced tea, or anything with kahlua. Those drinks were so yummy when I was in my twenties. Now they are a waste of calories and give me a wicked hangover. I’ll take a vodka tonic, preferably diet tonic, and a cookie instead.
2. Own a minivan. I used to look forward to the day when I would once again drive a regular old car. Now I involuntarily grunt when I hoist myself out of one. Were they always this low to the ground?
3. Shop in Victoria’s Secret. The store used to be my go-to place for pajamas and lingerie. Now satin pjs make me sweaty, and I certainly don’t need words on my butt, unless the words are “Look away, quick!”
My satin VS pajamas, paired with my roommate’s lipstick red pumps. I was pretending to be a VS model. Go ahead and laugh.
4. Settle for something I don’t love just because it’s cheaper than what I do love. Delayed gratification is much easier than it used to be, and I have donated enough bags of settled-for items over the years to know that I don’t save any money in the long run.
5. Leave the house without sunscreen on my face. I also never hang out at the pool or the beach without slathering on the sunscreen and wearing a hat. My days of Hawaiian Tropics suntan oil are long gone.
6. Finish reading a horrible book. I’ll give it one hundred pages, but if I’m not enjoying it, I bail. There are too many fabulous books out there to waste my time reading bad ones.
7. Tuck in a shirt. I have a dozen belts in my closet that I haven’t worn in this millennium. Perhaps I was scarred by the high-waisted, pleated styles of the eighties and nineties. Perhaps I’m just old enough to know what styles are flattering. On a related note, I no longer wear cropped tops or overalls. Old trends turned new again are usually not meant to be worn by women who wore them the first time around.
8. Go camping. I loved it as a camp counselor in my teens, and I tolerated a few times in my twenties. But now if I’m going to make s’mores over a campfire, I’m heading home to my own bed afterwards.
9. Wear matching t-shirts with anyone. Matching anything, actually. I spent enough years wanting to look like everyone else.
10. Get on a trampoline. If you are a woman of a certain age, you know exactly what I’m talking about.
#5 resonates with me, but then I was a stupid teen and 20-something, and have been paying for it ever since……
I drive a huge SUV that I can just pull myself up into by the steering wheel, and then roll right out off. When my husband suggests I replace it with a cute BMW, I wonder who will pull me out of it when I get to my destination.
When did that get so hard? I think I’ve been spoiled by my van and SUV. Maybe I need to do more squats so I can hoist myself out of the car with those strong quads!
Dana, I book marked this whenever I first saw it come across my screen to come back to when I had some time to actually read, and I’m SO GLAD I DID!! You are a great companion to my morning coffee today.
I must admit, I’m about to be the age my mother was when she had me, and growing up, I thought it was SOO OLD! But part of me is an almost 37 year old that thinks she’s still 20. I still jump on the trampoline every chance I get, and I like the occasional frozen drink, I still wear VS underwear and bras (but no gracias to silky pajamas), but I am FINALLY at the point where I don’t finish books that don’t hold my interest. And I’m also sick of the matching clothes. I am with you. I’m finished trying to look like everyone else. (See jumping on the trampoline even though I’m way too old for it.)
You are the most adorable thing! I’m so glad I came here this morning.
I’m glad you came by too, Mandi! More power to you if you can still handle the trampoline. I still think of myself as a 20 year old too – who is that woman staring back at me in the mirror? Maybe I need glasses.
hahaha I love this list! #7 and #10 particularly, but yeah, OY to stupid VS lingerie.
I actually bought underwear at Soma last week. Because I am old.
Sooooooo at what point do we drink, in your game?
Whenever you want! That’s the best kind of drinking game. 😉
I’ll start now! With tea (because I think I probably am prematurely middle-aged in that, but have been since I was about 13). And I think I can probably commit to never reading the rest of a crappy book ever again.
I’m still young enough for trampolines, which is nice, and I hope I don’t ever grow too old – I’ll just have to strap stuff down and get bouncing. (kay that sounded weird)
Nah, I know what you mean!
These made me laugh out loud! Satin PJ’s make me sweaty, jumping on a trampoline…
And I agree, never read a crappy book.
Absolutely. It took me too long to figure that out.
OHMYGOSH you NAILED THIS ONE!!! I was laughing and nodding all the way through!!! And that pic of you in the dorm I’m guessing? SO FREAKING HILARIOUS!!! Silk pjs totally make me sweat. I’m guessing anyway- I have mothballs in that drawer at this point. Haven’t opened it up in years…
There are just TOO many funny lines to pick to highlight- but if I HAD to- it would be THIS ONE—–>”Old trends turned new again are usually not meant to be worn by women who wore them the first time around.” And THERE it is. Brilliant!!
That is me – pretty sexy, huh? I don’t even want to tell you how long I had those pajamas. A decade, maybe.
I dare you to pull out a pair of silk pj’s and put them on – TBT on Facebook maybe?
I will never wear thong underwear. TMI, sorry. But if there’s a need for me to wear them, then that means my clothes are too tight or too sheer. I’m afraid I have many, many years of driving a minivan ahead of me. One day I hope to say that I will never drive a minivan again!
Well, you do have three small kids, Gracielle – but your minivan freedom will come at some point! And back at ya with TMI…thongs are pretty darn comfortable. But to each her own, right?
Dying of laughter of over here….The cool kids call it lol’ing I think!!! First of all jumping on a trampoline…I haven’t even had babies yet and I want to pee when I jump rope! That and the pain in the chest, AWFUL!!!! Your alcohol statement made me laugh too. I seriously choose my drink of choice when I get a little crazy and even have one due to the hangover! I CANNOT do anything you said either! On our honeymoon my hubs drank some fruity drinks and I got a headache watching him. I swear my hangovers get worse even by watching people consume all that sugar! I used to love it too in my 20s, and my first go to drink was an amaretto sour!!!!! EWWWW Ok, I’m done, I freaking love you.
Thank you Lindsay! Love you too. xoxo You are right – it’s the high sugar content in the drinks that are the issue for me. Not just calories, but too much sugar. I have a major sweet tooth, but I’ll take my sugar in chocolate instead of a glass.
Every.single.one! Because I have already crossed that mid-century threshold, I can tell you that you have hit the nail on the head. I think the theme is know yourself, be true to yourself and don’t settle for something just because everyone else is doing it! Although I do wish I could pull off the overalls look… Just say NO!
Oh, I do! I still have my Gap overalls from the 1990s, but only for costume potential. Gwen wore them a few years ago when she went as a farmer for Halloween.
I love this list! I’m so with you on all of these. I barely have time to finish a good book, so if I’m not into it in the first 50 pages, I’m out. I’d love to say I’m done with camping, but with 3 young boys and a husband who loves it, I have a feeling I may get stuck on one of these camping adventures at least once more in my life. (Maybe I’ll get to sleep in the car). I still love a good frozen piña colada though, especially when I’m on a beach vacation!
🙂 What a fun idea for a post!
Yes, a beach vacation is the one time I will have a frozen drink. But only if it has an umbrella in it!
Uh oh – I do go on my kids’ trampoline!
This is great. I can’t wait to give up my minivan but I also take Cassidy’s car around enough to feel being high up and not.
As for the books, I used to finish all books no matter what. Now I’m happy to toss them aside!
You must have a stronger bladder than me, Tamara! Lucky you.:)
Very funny list – and I pretty much agree with everything on it. I need to do the book thing, I always feel bad if I quit though. Not sure where that guilt comes from – maybe it’s more FOMO? It would stink to give up too early.
True, but 100 pages is plenty of time for a book to get good. I will admit that I have skipped to the end of a bad book just to find out if I missed anything good. And I never have – I’m always glad I bailed.
I’m still doing #1, and I like VS (although I don’t need anything on my backside either) but the rest of them — YES!
I’ll drink a frozen cocktail on the beach…but otherwise I’ll take one of Steph’s gin and tonics!
Ha ha laughing out loud at #10!! Brilliant list Dana! I knodded YES to most of these! I used to love wearing satin pjs in my late teens/early twenties and I even had satin sheets on my bed… Looking back it just seems like a weird thing to do lol
Have you ever seen the commercial where the guys belly flops onto his satin sheeted bed and slides right off and out the window? Hilarious. I hope that never happened to you. 😉
LOVE LOVE your list. But. Um. So on Monday (no school AGAIN – this time a teacher work day), I took Tucker to meet some of our friends at a trampoline park and jumped with him. And um, I kinda love VS Boyfriend Sweats. And um… I’d totally wear matching shirts if it was for like cool… it’s never for cool anymore, right?
It’s not cool, Kristi – sorry. You can match with Tucker if he wanted you to, though. That falls under the exemption of “being an awesome mom.”
I never played “never have I ever”…and I can imagine how crazy that could have gotten as a college student. I like your take on it, too. Though the Husband keeps wanting to go camping, and it just sounds like a guaranteed backache to me.
I know! Fortunately my husband has even less interest in camping than I do.
I love, love, love the idea for this post and the list. I’ve actually started implementing some of this myself (namely 4 and 6) and I’m SO ready for 8. I am curious as to whether certain things that seem like “never evers” right now while I have two young kids and am not sleeping will eternally remain that way or whether I’ll go back to my old self once the kids are older. I’ve started noticing that I can’t stand loud pop music or any type of noise anymore. Pop was always my go to and I wonder whether I’m just too tired for that right now or whether I’ve finally matured. 🙂
The loud music is a good one, Katia. You may get back into pop music when your boys start listening – I don’t mind it, although the same dozen songs are on the radio all the time. I switch to the eighties station when I’m alone in the car!
6. Finish reading a horrible book.
YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS. this was fantastic!!! Life is just too short, right? xx
Exactly!
Ha! Yes to so many of these – especially Victoria’s Secret, settling for cheap, and tucking in. I am not into campaign at all and have actually never really been. I do still love a frozen, fruity drink, but they aren’t quite as enjoyable now that I am older and know how many calories are inside!
I know – I’d rather have dessert!
Great list! I would be wise to follow your example. My list probably should be never SHOULD I ever or I’ll pay the next morning. I still love kahlua but I do regret it the next day. And I really need to stop reading books I’m not enjoying, as if I’m going to get a bad grade if I don’t finish! Who’s giving me grades except my inner critic at this point?
I will also never again drink frozen cocktails, go without sunscreen, wear VS, or finish a crappy book – amen! I have never, nor will I ever, go camping or drive a mini van:)! I’m intrigued by number four and fight the inevitable of not tucking in shirts, every damn day.
I’m so with you on all of these! 😀 Thanks for the laugh today!!
My pleasure, Roshni!
God help you if you sneeze on a trampoline!
I don’t think God could help – just Depends. 😉
I’m so with you on these, Dana. They’re great! I especially love: “Old trends turned new again are usually not meant to be worn by women who wore them the first time around.” That one should be in ALL CAPS. 🙂 I’ve seen several girlfriends try to pull it off. Just never works. Never ever. 🙂 Love this post and couldn’t agree with you more!
Thanks, Marcia. Yes, if it was in your closet as a teenager, you are too old to wear it again!
Love all of these! I’m totally with you on not finishing bad books. Unless I’ve specifically been told by someone else who’s read it that it’s worth pushing through to the end, then I’m not going to bother.
Good point, Katie -sometimes it takes awhile for a book to get its groove. That’s why I give it 100 pages; if you can’t interest me by then, I’m out.
I didn’t realize how much I hated frozen cocktails until I found myself vigorously nodding at #1! And no matching anything with anyone, ever. Like ever. And I might get on a trampoline, but I absolutely cannot sneeze while I’m on there! 😉
Haha – so true! Or do jumping jacks.
Love this list! I agree about not finishing a horrible book. I used to feel bad if I didn’t finish it, but it’s a waste of time when there are so many good books to read 🙂
Exactly!
Laughing hysterically at the last one! Too funny and something our kids think is horrible.
One day, they will be there too………………
The girls will be, anyway!
Love this list – when we sold our minivan it was a happy day!!
Camping has always been on my NEVER list!!
You are a smart woman, Kim. 🙂
Ooh, this is a good one – I enjoyed all of it. Very sage advice, all of it. I remember my matching VS pjs and robes. What in the world was I thinking was important about that?
No clue. I still have a matching nightgown and robe set I bought to wear in the hospital after I had my first child. But it’s a nice practical cotton!
So timely! My late husband’s birthday is today. Faith and Begorrah! And you go and mention Long Island Ice Teas. Have I told you this before? Hope not. But if so, blame it on my much older brain. He had just started as an xray tech at the hospital and the gang asked him out for lunch. How kind. One gal ordered a LIIT and he thought “hmmm. That’s sounds safe. I’ll have one.” He loved it and ordered yet another. They all trooped back to work and it was weeks later that they told him what was in those puppies. Oops.
Ha! It’s so odd how you cannot taste the alcohol in those – and there is so much of it!
Faith and Begorrah – I’ve never heard that phrase and had to look it up. Thanks for teaching me a bit ‘o Irish, Kelly!
There was a time when I would down a couple Long Island Ice Teas in a night (the last time that happened was my bachelorette party almost 4 years ago, and let’s just say my body wasn’t too thrilled with me the next day). Also, appletinis. Blech! I’ve never been one for camping, and now Sam wants to do it with Eve this summer. Camping with a toddler? Yeah, I don’t think so! 😉
I don’t think so either! The last time we went camping, James was in a pack and play, and our air mattress deflated overnight. It pretty much sucked.
Is it women of a certain age? Or women who have had kids? I assume that’s what you’re talking about. Oh, I wore the HELL out of my overalls, and no, no, never again. And with heels? Weirdest style ever. OK, I am laughing at your photo. You are the bravest! This whole post was hilarious!
You assume correctly – I just wanted to tie it to age and not motherhood. I was so happy I could find that photo – it was in a album with a caption I had written that actually said “Victoria’s Secret pose!” I remember that we thought it was hysterical at the time.
Just laughing out loud…have to disagree on VS though. ..they now have PINK…those are the words on butt items and I was told by the employee “geared for the younger criwd”. Sad when VS is geared for old ladies. They have the most comfy pjs..cotton. Girl, come with me I will show all the best things no satin in VS.
I hate my minivan and want something else so much. ..my day will come.
Tucking in just is repulsive. ..finishing crappy books. .heck I can’t even finish great ones these days. I would never waste my time on those bad ones.
as usual you made my morning.
Love ya!
Alright, you can take me to VS someday. Can I ride shotgun in your sexy minivan?
Happy St. Patrick’s Day! xoxo
Ha! I am with you on every single one of these except, unfortunately, the minivan, which I am still sporting in a big way. (Just got a new one, in fact.) Won’t be forever though.
Tucking shirts in . . . a distant memory.
I had the minivan until my youngest was 11…you still have a crew of little ones to cart around!
#6 I just can’t do it. I have read books to the end and have wanted to through them against the wall for wasting my time but I just hoped it would get better. #10 Sometimes I wear two sports bras at once. I’m never getting on a trampoline. And number one, I don’t care if gin was fat free – never ever ever ever – wicked results PERIOD. I don’t even like the way Sprite smells.
Your gin is my tequila – never ever ever! And #6 – really? Sometimes they don’t get better, Kenya! I know it’s hard though – I still feel a little guilty when I give up on a book.
Love this – even if I still drive a minivan. I will refrain from laughing at the VS picture, and instead be impressed that you still have it! But you won’t see me on the trampoline either!
Let’s do jumping jacks on the trampoline – I’ll meet you outside later. 😉
I am so with you on so much of this, especially the no camping one!
I think sleeping bags should only be for people under the age of 25!
Hahahaha OMG I’m laughing at that last one, NOT laughing at the VS model look (so awesome) and agreeing with most everything else. Sunscreen, no minivans, vodka tonics and wine only and no crappy books allowed! Getting older is freaking fantastic.
It is, isn’t it? Consider this post my 40th birthday present to you. You’re welcome.