On occasion, I am running errands when I run into a person I know from the gym. For a few seconds, we try to place one another, this relative stranger outside of the only spot where our lives intersect. I see the recognition in her eyes when it comes, and I wonder how she compares this public me with the gym me. I suppose I should be relieved that I am not unrecognizable with makeup and clean hair.
A shower and some mascara could never disguise who I really am. Yet the Internet allows anyone to create an alternate persona, and bloggers know that better than most. I have met quite a few bloggers in person, and each meeting begins with the fear that she will not be who I have come to know and like online. What if she lied about who she is? What if we have nothing to talk about? What if meeting in person destroys the friendship we have created?
I have also worried about what the other blogger would think about me, although what you read online is what you get in person. There are a few exceptions:
I use more exclamation points when I write (in comments, primarily) than when I speak.
I curse more in person. Not excessively, but I keep the blog PG-13.
I only post decent photos of myself. In person, I don’t have that luxury.
I talk with my hands, which you probably can’t tell online.
Fortunately, every blogger I have met has been as lovely in person as she is online. Sometimes she is more reserved, sometimes wittier, sometimes exactly as I imagined. And while I don’t know what they have thought about me, I have never had someone run the other way after we’ve met.
We all have our private and public personas. There is the person we are with our family, friends or strangers, the person we are when we are alone, and the person we are online. When are we our truest selves? Is it what we show the world, or what we only dare show ourselves?
Physically, my private and public self can be worlds apart. Face free of makeup and hair free of curl creme, I do not rock the tousled, fresh-out-of-bed look well at all. I don’t match my pajama top to the bottom, which is a childhood habit that gives me inexplicable joy decades later. The more I clash, the more it amuses me. I don’t know why…or maybe I do.
Maybe it is the freedom of wearing whatever the hell I want, without worrying about how my clothes look or fit or what they says about me.
Sometimes I will glance at the reflection in the bathroom mirror, first thing in the morning. My hair snakes out in all directions; I have excellent bed-head. If I’m feeling gutsy, I peer closer at my face, reminding myself that the lines are evidence of a life well-lived.
But whether the face looking back at me is naked or polished, whether my hair is Medusa-esque or coiffed, the interior doesn’t change. Inside, I’m the same when no one is looking. There are days when I am alone in the house for hours, and I feel like the same me that I am when the house is filled with people. At this point in my life, I’m just as comfortable with who I am when everyone is looking as I am when no one is. As long as I’ve washed and tamed my hair.
Who are you when no one is looking? If you are a blogger, do you have an online persona?
One of my reasons for blogging under my own name is so that I can be transparent and not have to try to be two different people in two different places. I just don’t think I could handle that. I’ve always pictured you as completely genuine, Dana. Plus I’m glad to know your vocabulary is a little spicier in person! 😉
It is, Rabia…I take it that wouldn’t offend you!
Ha, love the mismatched pajamas. Most of my official pajamas are just the bottoms and then I wear old t-shirts over them. I relate to a lot of this—except I have straight hair that only gets a ponytail kink in it if I sleep with one in!—I also curse more in real life than I do online. Like to keep it PG 13 since it’s kid humor (and because my mother reads it!). I also use more exclamation points online. And probably overuse winky face because I generally do dry humor or sarcastic and I worry online people won’t know I’m kidding if they can’t tell by tone, thus winky face. I hate myself a little bit sometimes when I use it. 😉 (dammit!) Always enjoy your posts, Dana, and I know I’d like you as much in real life as online!
I am the same way with humor – sarcasm is hard to convey online without emojis. But I agree, they make me a little stabby. I’d love to meet you in person sometime, Liz!
Hey, this is interesting!! … well the true you not everyone deserves to know, only people who well are going to be unstragers and like you deserve to know. I have met a blogger very recently and well he was not exactly as I imagined and was disappointed a bit because he was way wittier in the blog, funny etc… but then I like him anyway because he is the same guy as the blogger I have known, maybe personally I don’t know enough to form a judgement. As for me, I am not always the same all the time, I have a adventurous spirit, a talking spirit, a reserved spirit, a angry spirit, a lazy spirit and a person with enthusiansm and someone can can be funnny and serious. I guess so those who see me once or twice would not know me well as it is difficult, but as a blogger, blog commentor, I reveal lot of my inner me (: … anyway… it is eveident that you are happy being you… even I don’t care how I look at all times or what others think of me(: …. goodday… if you ask me you can know a person only after being a while with a person not through blogs, it is just a small facet of the person you will know from the blogs. Goodday.
Good point – we are multidimensional people, and only certain parts are knowable online. Thanks for weighing in!
I love this post. So relevant. I’m very new to blogging and believe it or not, I’d never met another blogger IRL until last Thursday. I met Nina Badzin (who obviously reads your blog because I see her comment above:) We’re both from the Twin Cities, and I signed up for her new Writing Studio. I was nervous and excited to meet her. Not so much because of my profile picture that I use for on my blog and Facebook. In fact, my 3rd grader took that picture, because she liked my haircut that I got that day. Since she thought my previous haircut made me look like Willy Wonka, she thought she’d better take a picture of this one to show all future hair stylists to prevent that from ever happening again. God forbid. Anyway, I was nervous to meet Nina mostly because we were going to do some freewriting in the class, and I was afraid my stuff wouldn’t be up to par and that she’d thing I was a writer fraud or something. Well of course that wasn’t case. She was as pretty and gracious and smart IRL as she is online. As for me, I think I look older than my picture, although it’s only a year old. I pour my heart into every post and essay, and so what you read is all me. But I probably come across as more reserved at first. My sense of humor comes out later, in smaller groups. By the way, the part about your bed-head cracked me up. I laughed out loud imagining it.
I love Nina – I wish I could take that class with you! I didn’t meet another blogger in person until I had been blogging for almost a year.
I think a blogger’s authenticity comes through in their writing, so I’ve rarely been surprised at my in-person meetings. I can tell that you write from the heart, too. Maybe we’ll be able to meet one day!
Well, I’ve met you and you were just what I expected. I am disappointed, though, the your BlogU pajamas were not mismatched! 🙂 I don’t think my online persona is different from my “real life” persona – it’s certainly the real me – it’s just not all of me. There are some things I want to say and some things I feel that I just can’t put on my blog. Several of my relatives read it as well as colleagues of mine & my husband. I know what you mean, though, about people trying to be someone else. Fortunately, all (o.k. – most) of the bloggers I have met have been just as wonderful in person as they are online.
I matched my pjs just for you, Lisa! That’s a good way of expressing it – “it’s certainly the real me – it’s just not all of me.” Very true.
I like to think I’m generally who I am online and in person. That said, I am not as quick or witty in person as I am online. Clearly online I can hit backspace or take a few minutes to craft my words. In person? I can be sometimes awkward when caught off guard 😉 I’ve only met one blogger online and one of my goals is to meet more. Coming to LA anytime soon, Dana? 😉
I wish, Nina! BlogHer 2016 is in L.A., but I doubt I’ll make it. Maybe one day!
I’ve never met any blogger I follow online in real life, and I do wonder how it would be if we met up. I think my blog reflects who I am, but reading a blog is not the same as knowing a person.
That’s true!
I think my online self is pretty much my IRL self, but I do tend to mostly wear my sunglasses in photos to hide the multiplying lines around my eyes. Why do those bother me so much?!
I’m a very tactile conversationalist, and I miss not being able to grab a hand or put my hand on someone’s arm online.
I talk with my hands too so when we meet, Dana, watch out :)!
Those lines bother me too, although not as much as the parentheses lines around my nose and mouth. And sunglasses don’t cover those!
When we meet, we may have to wear protective gear so we don’t hurt one another!
I was so excited when I got to meet you at BlogU, I think the AAF post helped a bit but…you were exactly how I expected you to be. Tinier but the same. The sense of humor – you convey it well. I think I’m the same (when I write, that is) but I definitely swear more in person. A lot more. I also use a ridiculous amount of exclamation points when I write that I don’t necessarily express when I speak. Unless I’m pissed, then my voice is filled with exclamation points (and curse words.)
You were just how I expected too, Steph. I knew I’d like you! I’m glad I didn’t piss you off though 🙂
Such an interesting, thought-provoking post. I generally think that I’m the same person online as I am in person, except that I have the time to think through what I want to say. I also don’t feel the level of inhibitions with my writing as I do in person. I’m definitely an introvert and I don’t think well on my feet, so writing provides a good medium for me to say what I want to say in the way that I want to say it. In fact, I sometimes communicate best with close friends and family through emails and texts because I’m a bit more affectionate and liberal with my emotions in writing and I can choose my words more wisely.
I’m the same way, Christie – I’d rather pour my heart out on paper than by speaking. I also tend to talk before I speak, so writing helps me put on the brakes and keep my foot out of my mouth.
This is a great issue for today, when so many people post polished comments on Facebook and appear to have it all together. I hope I’m the same person online and IRL. Like you, I’ve realized that one good thing about life post 40 is that I’m comfortable with who I am. I don’t wear much jewelry or keep a closet full of shoes- for me, it’s too much work to have the right necklace or flats for every outfit. Similarly, it would be too much work to maintain an online persona.
However, I must admit, I try to stay positive online, and sometimes, my real thoughts aren’t so cheerful.
Good point, Julia. I try to stay positive too. Usually it’s not difficult, but the benefit of being online is that we can go offline if we just aren’t feeling it.
This is a beautiful post, Dana! Like you, I talk a lot with my hands and don’t use as many exclamations when I talk as when I write. Otherwise, I’d like to think I’m true to who I am. After all, I’m not the same person with every single person. I’m slightly different within my own home and my own family than I am out in public. I tend to be a little quieter in the public world, a little shier, but I can completely let lose in my house.
As I said before, you were exactly as I imagined you would be in person, and I knew we would have a connection!
I knew it too, Bev! And it was nice that it was just the two of us; it gave us time to chat. I didn’t notice that you talk with your hands, but maybe that was because we were eating!
I think my writing personality is the same as my true self except that I try to keep the blog positive and PG13 and can’t always say that about my life. We are way overdue for an in person meeting. I’m going to put that on my to do list!
Yes, Mo! Matt and I were watching a show set in Chicago last night, and I told him I’d like to visit (I’ve never been). And in my head, I thought, “And then I can visit Mo, too!”
—-I’ve found it terrifying and exciting to meet other bloggers.
Terrifying because they may think I’m a phony, &
exciting because I can’t wait to meet them. ( I look at other bloggers like celebrities!)
The bloggers I have met have met every expectation, and there are some I even stalk!! don’t tell! xx
PS. I’d LOVE to sit and have wine w/ several of my faves ( Including YOU)
I would love that too, Kim! That’s really the only reason I want to go to blogging conferences.
Guess we’ll both find out…
We will! This post was sitting in my draft folder for two weeks, and I finally got it published. So it wasn’t even tied to your visit! Honestly, I’m not worried. I can’t imagine not liking you, Lizzi.
Honestly, I didn’t assume it was about me – I was just excited to be able to say WE’RE MEETING IN REAL SOON! 😀 I can’t imagine not liking you, either.
I don’t know! You tell me!
Just kidding. I think I’m more or less the same in person. At BlogU, I probably behaved but I swear a lot and I’m extremely vulgar to those who know me best. Like.. bad.
And my hair looks better in photos, I think!
Your voice is deeper than I thought it would be, but the rest of you was the Tamara I was expecting. But I would like to hear more vulgarity and swearing, so next time we meet, let’s not behave!
I am reserved but at the same time, when I speak, I speak my mind, with little thought of how people will take it! I don’t veer towards mean though; usually it’s something corny!! The advantage is that people who know me even a little expect something very erratic from me and are not too shocked when it happens! 😀
I cannot imagine you would ever be mean, Roshni! Erratic and corny? I knew I liked you.
I *think* I more or less write how I speak. I’d say that my blogging persona is maybe a bit more amplified, but it’s not radically different from who I am in real life.
Good to know, Vince. A little more amplified makes sense – you have to make an impact, right? And we are protected by the computer screen just a bit (or at least I feel like I am sometimes).
Oh yes, I also tend to post only flattering photos while in person you get what you get. I think with becoming Facebook friends with some blogger friends helps get to know their non-blogger side better too, and get the full picture.
I think you’re right, Julie!
I’m with you on all the self editing that happens on the blog; especially the cursing. You won’t find it on the blog, but you’ll definitely see it in real life. And the photos. Bad hair days are most often limited to others’ memories, but blog photos last forever!
Exactly! In my hairstyles post, I put smiley faces over my face, because I don’t need photos of my 80s hair all over the internet!
I don’t think I have an on-line persona. My blog is pretty real, although I do sensor the really difficult parts of raising a child with autism. TMI, and all. I also post flattering pics;). Everyone in real life has seen me sans makeup. I hate the taking it off part. And I guess, if I’m being honest, the real me is tired most of the time but people don’t want to hear that.
We just have to meet in person, Allie, so I can confirm how “real” you are!
WEll, this is certainly on my mind of late, as I guess it is for you too. You are lovely to meet in person though it was brief. We’ll do the same soon!
Yes we will! Yay!
“whether the face looking back at me is naked or polished, whether my hair is Medusa-esque or coiffed, the interior doesn’t change.” What a beautiful and true sentence, Dana. I think I am pretty much the same on screen as I am in person other than the parts you mentioned too such as my lack of airbrush in person. My avatar is a professional picture that a photographer took for me when she was first starting her business and looking to get her name out there. I have never looked as polished in person as I do in that photo, which is the photo that is EVERYWHERE when I guest post, when someone sees my own blog, Twitter, etc. Also, it’s a few years old. Maybe three already!?
It’s a great photo, but I know what you mean about looking polished. I always worry that bloggers will meet me in person and think, “Boy, she looks older than I thought she would!” But that’s my own hangup, not theirs.
I suspect most bloggers I know and like are the same online and offline. The reason I like them (and you are one of “them”) is that their genuineness comes through in their writing.
I am so with you on feeling more comfortable with myself as I age, but I admit I still need to straighten and tame my hair as I do have very thick and crazy hair if I don’t! But still love your admission here and can definitely relate to it. Oh and I use more explanation points in comments, too!! 😉
Ha – I wonder why that is? I think it’s my way of expressing emotion and enthusiasm, since I can’t use facial expressions. Hence the emojis, too! 🙂
I think I am probably one of the more reserved you will meet but I don’t think I’d be any different than you imagine. I feel like I’ve known you a long time though and wouldn’t be reserved or take a minute to warm up to. But we’ll have to see won’t we ;-). For me it’s all about the hair. I won’t post a picture with bad hair unless it’s intentional. Otherwise I’m wearing a hat. Same thing in person. Love this post!
Thanks, Kenya. I have no doubt that you and I would like one another, and would be chatting it up in no time. Let’s make that happen one day!
The real gift of aging for me has been just this – being comfortable with who I am no matter what. It’s a great feeling. I’ve only met a blogger or two who are not quite what I expected. Most of them have been spot on to the person I know and love online. I hope we get the chance to meet someday!!
PS – My hair is so unruly in the morning that I immediately put a hat on and no one else is even awake!
I would LOVE to meet you Allie – I suspect we’d hit it off 🙂