Gwen is settled into bed, her pillows arranged so that she is completely ensconced in their quiet embrace. I lay next to her, tossing a pillow to the floor as I try to snuggle closer. The hum of her aquarium reminds me of the womb sound I used to play for her when she was an infant, and I twist her hair around my fingers as we chat about our day. I tell her about a blog post I’m publishing tomorrow, and she murmurs an acknowledgment. I turn towards her to kiss her goodnight, and as we hug she says, “I’m proud of you, Mommy.”
Thirteen years earlier, I had tucked the framed photo of Gwen under my final paycheck, hoisted the box in front of my swollen belly, and waddled to my car. That paycheck was thin, and an infant and preschooler childcare bill would nearly decimate it. As my heels tapped on the worn linoleum and I heaved against the doors into the June sun, I imagined that being home with my two children would be all the fulfillment I needed.
As my children grew, however, so did my ambivalence. My Master’s degree stared at me from the den wall, unused and unappreciated. Each time I collected outgrown baby clothes to be donated, I threw in a blouse and a skirt from my own dwindling closet, until jeans and t-shirts were the only garments hanging next to my husband’s suits and dress shirts. During the annual holiday party at his firm, I dreaded the inevitable “And what do you do?” question from his colleagues.
“I stay home with our kids, but I did have a career. I do have an education, and I am a productive citizen,” I answered. But only the first phrase came out; the rest of the conversation was only in my own head. I was angry at myself for feeling that I needed to explain, and for feeling inferior because I had chosen to stop working. It didn’t negate my education, and it certainly wasn’t a reflection of my intelligence or worth. I had no desire to return to my profession. So why did I feel like a failure?
Spending the majority of my time with two small children made me yearn for adult interaction. I sought it out in the elementary school, as I attended PTA meetings and joined committees. I immersed myself in book fairs and memory books, and the responsibilities not concerning my children temporarily invigorated me. Yet organizing class parties and balancing the PTA’s bank account simply filled the hours. It didn’t fill the void left by my career. Most days I didn’t even notice it was there, but when I did feel its presence, the inadequacy swallowed me.
I am a counselor by education and training, and I am introspective by nature. I held countless therapy sessions with myself in my head. Detached, professional Me tried to explain to emotional, invested Me that my struggles were not unique, and that a job outside the home would not make me a better person.
As my youngest strolled into his third grade class, I stepped into an office and began working six hours a week preparing mass mailings for a mortgage company. While overqualified, I enjoyed chatting with my supervisor while we worked, and receiving my first paycheck in eight years. I thought that contributing to our household income would help me feel useful beyond my role as a mother. Yet while the extra money made a family cruise possible, my return to the workforce didn’t eliminate the gnawing discontent that had been simmering for almost a decade.
Three years later the mass mailings were sourced out to another company, and I once again searched for something to fill some of the hours when my children were in school. I embraced home projects with intense enthusiasm, much to the chagrin of my husband. Our kitchen remodel was my Holy Grail; so many plans and decisions would keep me busy for months. I sat down across from the kitchen designer, opened my brand new notebook, and ran my palms along the blank, pristine pages. As I began to fill in the pages with notes, I decided that I would blog about my experience, so that information would be available for anyone who hated doing the legwork.
I threw myself into research, spending hours combing the internet for tutorials and advice. Much like my children, my blog looked nothing like I imagined it would when it was born three months later. My little project was so much more, and I discovered a love for writing that lay dormant all these years. My family and some friends became loyal readers, and to my surprise, my daughter Gwen became one of my first subscribers. She and her brother tolerated my chatter about my new venture, and I assumed it was simply background noise in the self-centered lives of a tween and teen. Anything about Mom and Dad that didn’t involve them rarely appeared on their radar.
Yet when Gwen whispers, “I’m proud of you, Mommy,” I am clearly on her radar. My actions have made an impact; she has witnessed me being not-Mom and she likes what she sees. I kiss her goodnight and climb into my own bed as the therapy session in my head begins in earnest. This was what has been gnawing at me for years: the fear that I am not being a strong role model for my children. Gwen’s declaration of pride is an acknowledgment that I am that role model, despite my belief that I need to work outside of the home in what others would consider an important job.
It hadn’t been the money I was looking for, or the small talk with strangers, or even ways to fill the lonely hours. I was looking for validation that I was more than just Mommy, even though just Mommy was all my children asked for.
Next year Gwen will be at college, and James will follow three years later. What then? That’s a discussion for another day.
So beautiful! Girls are just awesome. I would love to hear Christopher say something like that. He doesn’t remember when I worked. He was in daycare from 2 months old to until Kindergarten. I have made reference to “someone I used to work with” and he said, “You had a job?” Ugh – that hurt my feelings.
That would hurt my feelings too. I think my kids view my career as one of those distant memories like my childhood. There’s so much they don’t know about me!
—–Several women will be able to relate to this post, Dana.
What I don’t understand is why one must justify staying at home w/ their children.
Isn’t feminism “CHOICE?”
Aren’t stay at home moms’ molding the next President of the USA?!
You know what?
My own mother never graduated, does not hold any degree whatsoever…
yet she is my HERO))!!!
Great post! x
Thanks, Kim. You are right; we should have to justify staying home. Who decides that staying home is any less important or impressive as working in an office? I hope my daughter speaks of me the way you speak of your mother!
Whatever the next stage is I’d be interested to read about it. Happy Thanksgiving!
Such a nice reflection on the choices you made when your children were young. When my sons were little I worked part-time and had utmost respect for both the moms who chose to stay at home and those who chose to continue with their careers. It’s a family’s decision, and frankly no one else’s business. Sounds like you made the perfect decision for your family.
I really think I did, Debbie – but it took me awhile to realize that.
I love that your daughter appreciates what you do! I struggled with the idea of going back to work and starting over…at my age, and out of the workforce for 15 years (minus one work from home position that I held because of my network, but the odds of something like that coming along again were slim to none), would I have to start over? The thought of that was just daunting. I think I’ve finally found something that I like and gives me flexibility while the kids are home, but that I will continue to want to do once they have flown the nest. I have one in college now, one to follow in less than 2 years, and another one 2 years behind the second. That empty nest is going to be here far too soon.
Tell me about it! In four years my nest will be empty too. I can’t imagine going back to my previous career – I’ve been gone to long. It will be time to do something completely different!
This was so beautiful. It did make me a little envious though. I sort of keep my blog hidden from my family. They know I have one. I just never speak of it as I don’t speak of my mental illness much in the home. I applaud you for knowing who you are and what you needed to do despite your ambivalence about staying home. And really, your writing is exquisite and you should definitely look for more writing opportunities. You have a gift…plus you know all about kitchen renovations!
Thank you Sandra – this piece was one I worked on for a writing workshop, and I feel like the time I put into it paid off.
Your blog is so deeply personal; I understand why it’s not something that comes up in conversation. I usually write about much more lighthearted things, so it’s easier to share.
You don’t know how much this post means to me right now. I don’t have any regrets leaving my job last March. It was slowly killing me. But there’s a big part of me that hates to say “I stay home with the kids”. So glad you found this space; as it is one of my favorites to visit. No doubt you will have evolved even more by the time James goes to school – and perhaps even he’ll tell you how proud he is of you.
What a lovely comment, Leslie – thank you! Knowing you like visiting here is a different kind of validation, and I really appreciate that.
James is a man of few words – I’ll be happy with a big hug from him!
Beautiful post… so full of emotion! –
Thanks Gingi!
Hi Dana, wow this post sure is resonating with a lot of people, myself included. I loved this. I could hear your heels tapping “on the worn linoleum” and feel “the June sun” as your “heaved against the doors.” Nice! What a great relationship you have with your children. Wonderful the amount of respect they have for your blog and writing interests. Validation. That’s a word that’s clanging a bit in my thoughts these days. That need to justify our roles as our kids get older. I’m in the thick of that right, now. Always so amazing to read women who are going through similar experiences. Small group at Finish Sentence Friday this week. I was glad to see you there.
That need to justify our roles as our kids get older – that’s it exactly. I’m so glad this resonated with you – thank you!
I have spent most of Des’ life and all of Scarlet’s life wondering what on earth I’m doing and how to explain it to people. And then even when it’s going well, I’m so worried everything will change and I’ll lose it all. And I’m terrified of what I’ll say when I have grown children. Terrified.
That’s worrying me too, Tamara. Regardless of how I’ve felt about being a SAHM, I always knew that I was doing something vital and important. When that part of my life is over? I have no idea.
I learnt a lot about you from this post! I’m really proud that we are online friends!! Hope we get to meet someday!
I’m so glad we are online friends too, Roshni. You are one of the amazing women I’ve had the privilege of getting to know, and I hope we can meet in person too!
Beautiful job with this, Dana. You perfectly said what so many of us are thinking – are we good role models? Will our kids be proud of us? I’m so glad that you started your blog, and that I found it, and for you. Here’s to being more than “just mommy.” xo
Yes! I’m so glad I found you too.
This is beautiful! I’m not a parent, but I can relate to the search for validation 🙂
I suppose we all can – it’s a basic human need, I think.
Dana, you have captured my own thoughts and feelings so eloquently in this post. I have TWO Master’s degrees and gave up my career for my kids. Sometimes, I feel worthless, sometimes I feel resentful. More often lately, thank goodness, I see that my choice is right and good for my family, and I’m at peace. Like you, I’ve found a sense of accomplishment and purpose, in addition to the wonderful responsibility of motherhood, through writing. Thanks for sharing and for letting me know I’m not alone.
Thank you so much for your comment, Julia, and for sharing on FB. I think my choice was right for my family too. I am starting to think about it more, though, because in three years both kids will be in college. I try not to worry about it and take things as they come, but that’s not exactly in my nature.
From one worrier to another- I get it. When I think of my kids leaving for college, I feel ill. I comfort myself by thinking about all the things I will be able to pursue in earnest when I have more time, things like writing, photography, service work. We will have more opportunities to grow and continue to set examples for our kids. 😉
That’s a wonderful way to look at it, Julia – thank you for that!
Love this! I can relate to so much in it – as many of us can, I suppose. And the counseling sessions in your hand – I thought I was the only one who did this!! Nice to know I’m not alone.
You are definitely not alone, Christie!
Oh Dana…
That was just beautiful. I love how you discovered that bottom layer of it all. That girl adores you and has surely been paying close attention to ALL of who you are. I have wondered similar things about being a SAHM and I keep discovering for myself the bottom layers of being a strong role model in WHO I am is what will hopefully impact them the most- much like you.
Our character is really the most important example we can offer. And I’m sure that she sees all of it- in your writing, your actions, your modeling all of those values and principles that your children emulate now.
I wonder about those years when my kids are grown… what will my future hold? Oh, how I wonder. But for now, I will join you in finding peace that our kids see what’s most important in these years, these moments we are with them. That is surely enough. Working or not.
Yes, Chris – you are wise and insightful as usual. Our character IS the most important example; thank you for reminding me of that!
Love!!! Beautifully written and I can totally relate. When I went back to work part time in Feb. 2014, it was supposed to be for three months, but I’m still there. I thought it would bring me that validation, but it really hasn’t changed anything (except to make me busier and even more stressed out). The validation comes from my kids – not from a paycheck or a proverbial pat not he back. Sometimes, I forget that, though. Thanks for reminding me!
I’m glad you shared that observation, Lisa – the job doesn’t give you validation, the people you love do. Thank YOU for that reminder!
Dana, my sweet friend, I don’t think you’re ‘just’ anything. You are dedicated, accomplished, multi-talented, caring, and a GREAT MOTHER. The evidence is in how wonderful your kids are.
And as to career? Like you say – that’s a conversation for another day, and you WILL find something which will fulfill you and give you more purpose and motivation. But for now, your daughter is proud of you, and that’s something really incredibly special.
Your comment makes me all glowy, Lizzi – as did your FB share. I will find something, although if I am remembered simply for my relationships with the people I care about, that’s okay too.
It was Maya Angelou or Oprah or someone, who said “in the end, what people remember is how you made them feel” 🙂
Make ’em feel <3
I received a text from my daughter one day that said: “I want to be you when I grow up!!” It melted my heart! I think being a good mom is one of the hardest vocations. But sooner or later, we see the reward. Blessings
We will see a reward, Tammie – you are right. I already see it every time I look at my kids and am proud of the people they are becoming.
I think that just working hard to do things that interest you is an amazing example to set. I listen to sooooo many entrepreneur/female centric podcasts and so many of the women– with diverse backgrounds– credit the example of their mothers for why they have the guts to go after what they want.
That’s a great point, Aussa. I set my mind to something and go for it, and that’s what I want for my kids. Thanks for your perspective!
Wow….I’m not a stay at home and have that same dialogue in my head: am I setting a good example? am I not home enough? Will they be proud of me….that is something I never realized until I read this post. Because as moms that is what we want: for our children to see our worth. I believe your children do, both of them!
I hope you are right, Kerri. I suppose the “good enough” dialogue goes on in every mother’s head!
Boy did this resonate with me! Ashamed to admit it, but I used to worry that not only would my children look at me as not having accomplished much, but that there would be nothing to put in my obituary! “She was born, she was a stay at home Mom and she died.”
I have one complaint about your piece and that is that you left out all of your amazing volunteer work! You have made a huge impact on all your children’s schools and probably other places I don’t even know about. I am so grateful for all the time you have given! the world is a better place because of stay at home moms who volunteer!
I have thought about the obituary thing too, Laura. Yet how do you summarize a person’s life? It can’t be quantified like that.
I volunteered the first time so I could feel productive. I keep volunteering because I have wonderful friends who volunteer alongside of me. xoxo
Oh my gosh! Yes, Yes, Yes! This: “I was looking for validation that I was more than just Mommy, even though just Mommy was all my children asked for.” Me too. And maybe a little bit of money as well.
Yes, a little money wouldn’t hurt!
Your post made me tear up! I hope one day I hear Eve tell me those words. My salary in my former career would have barely covered childcare for one child, let alone two, and I knew I wanted to be home with my children when they were little. While I am so glad I both had the ability to make that choice and don’t for a moment regret being home with Eve, having my blog and my business and the little bit of money I make brings my a fulfillment I know I wouldn’t personally get if I were a solely a SAHM. (And that is by no means meant to put down other SAHM’s, it’s just wouldn’t work for me).
I’m so glad you started this blog, and that you not only found a sense of personal fulfillment, but I wouldn’t have had the chance to get to know you if you didn’t.
By the way, you too worked in counseling? I’m not sure if I knew that! Even though I didn’t end up pursuing a career in counseling, funny that we both had chosen that path! Yet another thing we have in common 😉
So many things in common! I’m glad I started this blog too, if for nothing else than meeting you and other writers who have become friends.
Oh Dana, I identify with this so much! When I read Gwen’s words to you my own heart filled with so much love and happiness. Thank you for writing so honestly and beautifully! xo
This sat in my drafts folder for a long time…finally decided to share it. So glad you liked it!
Dana, this is beautifully written. I think you have touched on so many feelings all mothers struggle with at one point or another. You may have even made me a bit teary…love it!
I appreciate that, Kirsten – thank you!
What a beautiful post, and so beautifully written. Your words speak to the age old battle that working mothers and stay at home mothers have struggled with for decades. Thank you for sharing your words and your heart with your readers. This is one of my favorite posts.
Thank you so much, Karen! It is a battle, and those internal battles are the most difficult to win.
Ah the struggles and insanity of the stay-at-home mom! I know them all too well. Ever since the boys started full day first grade (in Sept) I’ve struggled with this. And trust me, “I’m a freelance writer” doesn’t go over very big at my husband’s client meetings and parties either!
I love that you wrote this because it’s so relatable. I too only want my kids to learn from me and be proud of me. Looks like you have accomplished that mission 🙂
I hope so, Allie. It’s a job with long-term payoffs, I think. I was hoping many moms could relate – I knew I wasn’t the only one who felt this way.
This is a beautiful post, D! You are an amazing writer! It’s so funny how people’s perspectives differ. For all those years, I would have done anything to trade places with you !!
And there were times I would have traded with you! So I may need some career counseling in a few years…
Thank you for your lovely words, both in this comment and in response to my mom. xoxo
Dana, once again I’ve learned something about you through your blog. This was a beautifully written post. Even at my age I still have the need to feel validated at times. But, when I look at you and your sister I remind myself that I must have done something right!
You’ve done everything right, Lynne! Your daughters are amazing people (as are your grandkids!). You must be incredibly proud!!!
Wow. Beautiful post! I’m proud of you, too, Dana! Such an excellent mommy and writer and PTA peep and friend! 💕
Thank you, Kris – it helps to surround myself with ladies like you!
I sure am!
I will validate you anytime, Mom. <3
This is validation for me. I identify so much with those feelings of inadequacy you wrote about especially as I think if sending Leo to school and the time that will allow for me to consider paycheck employment.
It’s a tough transition, I would imagine. I never thought I’d be a SAHM for so long, but here I am.
Dana, this was absolutely beautifully written and on many levels can very much relate. We are definitely great role models for our kids and more than enough. But yes I have had so many of these thoughts creep up and yet it is moments like above that ground me and remind me that I am also indeed mommy and so much more, too.
I’m sure you can relate, Janine. It’s hard to keep those thoughts at bay.