Everyone has thoughts that are better left inside the head. When those thoughts demand attention, some people keep a record of them in a diary or a journal.
When I released my own random thoughts in a Dear Diary post in September, a few easily entertained readers commented that I should do a diary post on a regular basis. It’s a lot of pressure to attempt wit and humor on a regular basis, particularly if it is based on my own life and the weird stuff that happens in my brain. But I will try. This time I even got a little philosophical.
Dear Diary, Today I realized that while I am still young enough to produce eggs, I am too old to donate them.
Dear Diary, Tonight I watched the last twenty minutes of Silence of the Lambs, Twister, and Disney’s The Descendants. I was totally into each one. Must. Cancel. Cable.
Dear Diary, Today I was stuck in traffic on the highway when the woman in the next lane a few cars ahead of me turned around, gave me a dirty look, and mouthed something that definitely ended with “bitch.” I have no idea why. Note to self: It’s not worth getting pissed off at a stranger, because that stranger may not have a clue as to what she did to piss you off.
Dear Diary, Finishing a sentence with “that’s what she said” is really just the adult equivalent of 11-year-old boys snickering. Is it wrong that I still say it, and say it with glee?
Dear Diary, A sponsored post for a hair color product showed up in my Facebook feed this morning. Note to Facebook: The fact that I have not yet colored my hair is the one vestige of youth to which I stubbornly cling. You suck.
Dear Diary, Whose job is it to come up with the fortunes in fortune cookies? While this is a crappy fortune, it may just be excellent advice.
Dear Diary, My teenager observed that Friends becomes less funny in the later seasons, which she also observed coincides with the friends getting older. Very astute, that girl.
Dear Diary, Why does a public restroom designer go through the trouble of installing automatic soap dispensers, faucets, and hand dryers, and then installs an exit door that has to be pulled?
Dear Diary, Yesterday I went to an NFL game, and each time our team scored, all the adult male spectators high-fived one another. Why is that? It’s not like they did anything.
Dear Diary, I think there should be an undo button for minor mishaps. Like when I drop a bottle of salad dressing all over the kitchen floor, or when I answer “You too!” to the cashier who just said “Thank you for shopping at Target!”
Speaking of shopping, I did quite a bit of online spending this weekend. Check out my holiday gift guide for ideas and ways to save!
That stranger with road rage might also be packing a weapon so I always think it is best not to engage. I’m completely with you on the “undo button”. There are so many times it would come in handy to save us from our own little lapses in judgement/concentration/good sense. Similar to your exchange at Target once, while I was volunteering at a soup kitchen, I answered a homeless person’s “thank you” with my own “thank YOU”. Oy.
Ha! I can relate. And sadly, you are right about not engaging on the road. Plenty of quick tempers out there, and throw a gun in the mix and it could be lethal.
Haha, Sam and I love finishing sentences with “That’s what she said!” Glad to know we’re not the only ones amused by that!
Someone was just saying the other day that they thought Friends became less funny as the seasons went on, though I don’t believe they equated it with them getting older. Interesting observation on Gwen’s part 😉
It was! It is still funny, but the classic episodes were the early ones.
Does “that’s what she said” ever get old? Also, I love that fortune cookie fortune. So true 🙂
It is! Probably not the best lesson to share with my kids, but I still did 🙂
She was saying “Ditch!” Warning you about the “DITCH!!!” I’m sure of it!
Stop poking me!
That’s what she said.
*Use it ALL the time*
Existential question of my day: “Why do they continue to repave the same damn road over and over and the road RIGHT NEXT TO IT is cracked open with potholes?” <— help me with this one, would you?
I wish I could help you, Chris, but I’m as clueless as you are. Another one of life mysteries…
I say that to cashiers too! Always feel like an idiot. And glad to discover I’m not alone! These peeks into your thoughts are fabulous, Dana. Thank you!
I’m glad a peek into my mind didn’t scare you away 🙂
Love it! And, love that it started because of Tuesday Ten! 🙂 My husband was watching football this weekend and my girls asked “Why do they all keep patting each other on the butt? That
s weird!” Indeed, it is!
It really is! And I love that Tuesday Ten started it all too. 🙂
Very funny Dana, I’m prone to road rage – it almost always has to do with the speed limit or pulling out in front of me and going slow (if they were in such a hurry to get in front of me why aren’t they still going fast? Where’s the urgency?) We have one road that the speed limit is 45 and people ALWAYS travel 38 or less. I drive it 2x/day almost every day and you’d think I’d accept it but I can’t and its beyond frustrating. I don’t flip anyone off though, I’m afraid of “poppin’ caps” – I’ve just got a lot to say (sometimes to an empty car!) I need to stop.
The bathroom thing – what is the point, exactly. Half the time I go back into a stall and get toilet paper to open the door, the other half I scootch (sp?) through when someone else opens the door. And I give myself a high-five (on the inside) for managing to get out with clean hands.
Love the Dear Diary posts, no pressure 🙂
I scootch too! AND I give myself internal high fives. We are soul sisters, Steph. We really are.
By season 10, Friends felt as though it had lost its pizazz, which sucked. It got all ‘issues’y and I know life kinda *does* do that, but STILL! 🙁
One of my favourite bathrooms across Murica had a door you opened with your foot. I thought that was BRILLIANT – it was an entirely touch-free bathroom and I CANNOT remember where it was, but it rocked. Because yeah, not everyone washes their hands. People can be SO grimy!
And an ‘undo’ button for real life is GENIUS!
This area has some rude drivers, and the Husband gets so easily angered. Don’t take it personally though…maybe she was referring to herself? (or should have been?) And the Husband would tell you he definitely does something to help the team win, since we were once told at a Redskins game “Y’all drink, the Redskins ‘gone score!” He did, and they did. Must be true.
LOL, loved this post… a peek into your internal monologue is quite entertaining! 😉 – http://www.domesticgeekgirl.com
“You too!!”…. that’s so me…. 😀
I wonder how many times they hear that during the course of a day? We can’t be the only two…
Re: bathroom– WHY???
I agree with Allie! And Gwen’s right – Friends got less and less funny each year. I still say “That’s what (s)he said” AND I still sing “Smelly Cat, oh Smelly Cat…what are they feeding you!” 🙂
Dana, I love your diary entries. Please keep them coming. It really brightened my day:)!
“That’s what she said!” is one of my favorite sayings.
And don’t even get me started on road rage. I have a mouth on me and a finger that has no problem flying when needed. My ex-husband once said to me, “One of these days someone is going to pop a cap in your ass for doing that.” That coming from a white boy, 40-something suburbanite. We’re good friends and I still bust his chops for that.
It’s funny but you never know…one day you may flip off someone with even more rage than you! This woman just looked like she was having a crappy day.
i need to learn from you because if someone flips me off or mouths an obscenity over road rage, i always volley with “WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO, BITCH?!”
Ha! I will admit that I did curse a little in my head.
I think I’m too old to donate eggs too! Doesn’t that end at like.. 28? Something astonishingly young.
haha, The Descendants is so bad! Scarlet loves it, though.
I have never colored my hair but I’ve had some gray since I was 21. I’m wondering when to start. It’s all underneath that top layer so I guess it’s ok? But if I put my hair in a ponytail, there’d be a lot.
And well hey, I’m sure the Target cashiers DO shop at Target too.
Curly hair hides the gray – I do have some, but it’s not noticeable unless my hair is pulled back or I wear it straight. And even then, I can just pull the few that peek through.
Gwen and I watched The Descendants – can’t hold a candle to High School Musical.
Well, pressure or no, you nailed it. Lots to make me smile here. Perhaps you should cling to the motto my niece shouted this weekend during the Thanksgiving family kickball game: “There’s no pressure when you’re great!”
😉
That’s an excellent motto! I’m adopting it.
I never officially saw the last season of Friends, so when a show comes on that I’ve never seen before I know that’s the season. When I have watched it intentionally (Netflix) I was looking for specific episodes that were favorites.
I can’t tell you how much I hate to pull a door in the bathroom. Especially when I have no sleeves to pull it with then I’m walking around with a contaminated pinky.
I know! Or I flash everyone my stomach as I grab the hem of my shirt to use as a glove when I grasp the doorknob.
Another great edition and I totally agree with your daughter about Friends and your reasoning totally summed it up, too. This why usually I am not as fast to watch a rerun of it, if I happen to come across it if it is from he later seasons, as sadly it just wasn’t as funny indeed.
Agreed. We have about eight episodes left, and now it’s getting more nostalgic.
I must be getting old because I relate to so many of these! But, I dye my hair every four weeks and its maddening!!!!
Someone also “yelled” at me when I was out driving the other day and I just smiled and waved 🙂 I haven’t a clue why she was so mad. Must be the holidays.
Must be, although I don’t know why the lady who cursed at me was so revved up in early November. Maybe she was frustrated with her frequent hair dying 🙂