Just like that, she’s made the decision.
We visit for the first time in the fall of 2014, all four of us. We listen as the admissions counselor gives her spiel, very similar to the one I gave to prospective students and parents when I was an admissions counselor twenty years ago. I lean over and whisper in Matt’s ear, remarking on how surreal it is to be the parent of a high school junior. I could even be the parent of that admissions counselor – young, glossy and full of reassurances that this college was the one where my baby would flourish.
My baby, barely sixteen and less than two years from starting college. I contemplate this for an instant, and then I shut that door.
We dutifully follow our tour guide around campus, listening intently as she walks backward and points out buildings. I see the blue safety lights that I will soon learn are on every college campus; I’m not sure if they reassure me or worry me.
We pass through the crowded green, and I study the faces of the students. Are they hurrying to their next class, or rushing to meet friends for lunch? Are they happy? Gwen must be looking too, because towards the end of the tour, she declares that she can she herself there.
She sees herself there. Which is not here.
We visit many more schools and take many more tours. This school is her favorite, though, and she and I visit again during the summer of 2015. We listen to another presentation, and take another tour. We walk through the residence hall, and I think of Gwen’s bedroom at home, where we have said our goodnights over six thousand times.
It is a good visit, and Gwen is relaxed and cheerful. She is even more sure that this is the place for her. There, not here.
August turns into November overnight, and all the college applications are done. The letters begin to arrive, and she waits for the One.
In late December, the big envelope is here. “Welcome!” it says.
“Congratulations!” I say, and I mean it. I also mean, “I am so proud of you. I want you to go to college and thrive, but I don’t want to let you go.” But I will.
Saturday was Decision Day. That’s what the college calls the open house they hold for accepted students, although most don’t actually make their college decision on that day. I suspected that Gwen might, though.
She’s on edge, I think, and even her brother comments on her mood. Anything I say is the wrong thing to say, so I try to keep my comments to myself. I know she is anxious, and she’s taking it out on us. This is the most significant decision she’s made in her seventeen years. Saying yes and choosing this school makes college a reality, not just an idea.
We take a third tour, although we break off halfway through at Gwen’s request. She doesn’t need to see another building or hear another story. She knows.
At the bookstore, Gwen gets a sweatshirt and t-shirt, and James gets a jacket. I get nothing; it’s real enough without a “Proud Mom” mug. We pass through the Student Center, and she is ready. The admissions staff is all smiles as she tells them, and they happily accept my credit card for the deposit. I focus on entering my information onto the iPad, and I bite my lip to hold in the tears. How cliché, I think. I’m biting my lip to keep from crying. I see quite a bit of lip biting in my future.
We stop for lunch right off campus, and I pay at the register while Matt and the kids get a table. The sandwich shop employees are commenting on how busy they have been today. I tell them that it is Decision Day, and that Gwen has made hers. They respond enthusiastically, and tell me that she will love the school. As I put my wallet away and take my receipt, the manager says, “If she ever wants a great job off campus, tell her to come see us.”
She’ll be okay there. Even though it’s not here.
On the drive home, I post a photo of Gwen with her new $500 free pennant on Facebook. Over 250 people like or comment, and I am reminded of the positive power of social media. I don’t think I’ve ever had a post receive that many responses, and I want to hug all the people who share in our excitement and offer congratulations.
She knew, almost a year and a half ago, that she could see herself there. Now I can see her there too. She will go to college, and she will thrive.
While Gwen approved this post, she asked that the name of the school remained private. If you know, please don’t mention it in the comments – thanks!
Congrats to Gwen, and the entire family! It’s wonderful that she “knows;” she’ll do great, and so will you!
Thanks Debbie – I hope you’re right!
Well as the mother of children (especially my sons) who will be living at home until they are at least 30, I think it’s great that Gwen has the confidence, instilled by your husband and yourself, to go off on her own, and enjoy what life has to offer. You clearly are an exceptional mother.
Thank you, but I give her much of the credit! And her father too. A little.
Congratulations Gwen! I’m sure you’re anxious about her going off to college, but this brings back so many memories of those first days and the anticipation of being ‘nearly’ independent. You’ve done well with her.
Thank you, Leslie. I’m anxious and excited for her!
Lip biting and holding back tears right along with you. What a complicated cocktail of emotions motherhood offers us. Try to embrace and enjoy. Thinking of you…
Embrace, my word of the year. I’m trying!
bittersweet
& beautiful.
xx
understanding from MN.
Thank you!
wow!! Danna its a beautiful written. I love this type of reading always… and after reading your some speaks i love this blog simply… and also It give me some good points to change in my self…
Wow, I love this. I truly felt like I was you in the future with my unborn child living the situation. As I am quickly approaching parenthood, and not even there yet, it’s hard to think about the “college days”. Although, she’s your daughter, and it sounds like she’ll always come back “home”. Parenting, what a heart string constant tug!!!! The power of social media does help us feel more connected and lifted;)
So true! It’s so wonderful to share happy things with so many people, isn’t it?
what an exciting time for gwen and amazing that she got into The One! congratulations! i can’t even imagine my baby all grown up and heading to college…but that’s still another 16 years away so i have plenty of time to read blogs and savor your experiences. thrilled for gwen!
Thank you! I’m thrilled for her too.
Oh man!! I dont even want to think of my little babies growing up and going to college!!
You have plenty of time – just enjoy those little ones!
I felt all your emotions in this post I think I just released my lip from the bite. We’ve got a long way to go, but I can just imagine. Because as he goes into 6th grade next year, aren’t the next six years really just getting him ready for college? 🙁
Congrats to Gwen!
Thank you! Enjoy middle school and don’t stress too much – you’ll have enough time to stress in 9th-12th grade!
My eyes got all misty reading about biting your lip to hold back the tears. Even though Eve is still 16 years away from this, I can imagine how quickly that day will arrive. I imagine how bittersweet this time is for you, and how proud you must be of Gwen.
I’m trying to focus on the sweet part – we have many great things to look forward to before she heads off to school!
Dana… you drew me in with every heartfelt word. My heart kept flip-flopping from excitement to sadness, as I imagine yours does too. (And I also bit my lip). I will come back to this beautiful post in 3 years when my son is a senior in the midst of all this. Thank you my friend. Wishing Gwen much mazel and happiness always! xo
Thank you so much, Nix. There is much heart flip-flopping going on!
I am nearly in tears, picturing every single moment you shared here Dana! I can only imagine all the emotions BOTH of you have been experiencing during this college search and confirmation of direction for Gwen. Sigh…. AND WOOHOO!!!! Bitter sweet. I feel it too, for you.
Gwen, you are an amazing young woman with incredible promise and potential, no matter where you go. I can tell. I’m SO PROUD OF YOU.
Dana, you have to know that even when she is ‘there’- before she leaves, there is still 18 years of her heart ‘here’ with you and those threads always weave into all the tomorrows she is ‘there’. Nothing breaks the tapestry. It’s just sewn a little bigger, that’s all.
*Remember to tell me the same thing in 6 years, okay?* lol
I know you’re right, Chris – but it’s good to hear anyway. A bigger tapestry. That’s lovely. xoxo
Congratulations. You brought tears to my eyes, as I remember so well when Allysa went through a similar experience. And if she has half the college experience that you girls had she’ll be very lucky.
Yes she will!
This one is a heart tugger!!!! We have been seriously stressing out all week about where our middle duaghter will go to middle school next year – I can only imagine the stress of the college decision and the joy/sadness of the acceptance. She has a wonderful, supportive family who has prepared her for life and she will be fine. So, will you. But, it’s ok if you stop biting your lip and let the tears fall, too. 🙂 Hugs!
Thanks, Lisa – I’ll take those hugs. And the tears will fall, just not that day.
Oh, Dana, I am crying as I read this beautiful piece. It’s been over a decade since I “let go” of my own daughter but your words brought it all back to me. Quintessentially bittersweet: the universal experience of being so happy for your child and so proud of their achievements while at the same time feeling your heart break at the thought of a home without them living in it. I’ll be honest. It’s very hard. And it hurts for a while. But we know that this independence is just what we want for our kids. Soon, although slowly, the feeling of sadness is replaced with joy and excitement at seeing the world your child is creating for themselves. And remember, home is where the heart is. Gwen’s heart will always, always be with you.
Congratulaitons, Gwen!!
Your comment comforts me, Mo. Thank you!
I am proud to be one of the 250!
Also, I’m biting my lip while reading this, just thinking about my Scarlet.
My older sister looked at this school. She ultimately chose Rutgers because she didn’t want to be even in another state from my parents. I like that this is not terribly far for you! (like west coast..gulp)
And I like the serendipity of the positive people around you – at the school, on social media, etc.
I like it too – it’s time like this that I love Facebook. So many warm fuzzies from so many people wishing her well.
Tears, of happiness and anxiety for when this happens to me. Congratulations to Gwen, and you too, Momma!
Thanks Allie!
Such an exciting time! It makes me happy that she has you to share it with. My mom was sick while I was applying and she passed the first semester of my sophomore year. We were just getting to the point when our relationship was becoming more of a friendship/mentorship. She needs you more than either of you realize.
I’m so sorry you lost your mom so early, Courtney. Thank you for the reminder – there are times when I feel like she doesn’t need me at all, but you’re right.
Dana, you and Matt have raised your daughter to be able to take these next steps out into the world without fear and with total confidence. She is a fabulous young woman, and it has been a privilege to watch her grow up. Congrats to all of you!
I’m so glad you’ve been here to watch her grow, Karen!
WOW, so eloquent and made me cry (i’m at work). Love you and your family it feels like I am letting a part of us go too. It will be amazing but another milestone reached is bitter bittersweet. She is an absolutely incredible young woman who will be so successful thanks to all your encouragement and lip biting : )
I know she feels like you’re family too, Sue – and you are. Get ready to spend more time with me – I’m gonna need it!
Such a beautiful post, Dana. I’m seeing the future as I type, and snuffling into a tissue or two. Such a big decision, and it sounds like she had a feeling from the start.
She did, which I think made the final decision easier. Still – it’s such a big one!
Every time I read a post like this from you I see my future and I cry. I cannot imagine the feelings of your baby going to college and of being on the other side of the table…the parent and not the student. How did that happen?
I too loved the picture on FB and I’m equally excited and sad for your family. It’s so hard to let them go there…but you have done your job well.
I hope so, Allie. I don’t know how it happened – she was your boys’ age not so long ago! And I was 29. {sigh}
I can’t agree more with Amy’s comments including the bittersweet feeling that this Grammie also feels. Dana, I am so proud of your daughter for knowing what she wants and going after it. And I’m so proud of my daughter (and son-in-law) for encouraging, supporting and guiding their children in the right direction.
P.S. Glad I read this at night cause I didn’t have to deal with mascara running down my face! -):
True! Lots of pride in our family 🙂
She seems such a level-headed girl! Congrats to her for getting into the college of her choice! But, I am choked up for you! {{Hugs}}
I will take those hugs, Roshni – thank you!
Aw, congrats again to your daughter and actually am fighting back tears as I type this picturing my own girls here someday.
It will be here before you know it!
She will soar! So happy for her. I am sure bittersweet for you (and for aunt too). :). You both raised her to be a strong independent young woman. She will do great things in this world.
She will…and J better prepare to be my daughter stand-in…I’m going to need my girl time!
I am smiling and crying as I read this. Beautifully written. She will do great! Hugs!
Thanks – and thank you for listening to me blather on and on and on…