When Matt and I go on a date, we have been known to sit at the bar and amuse ourselves by creating our own stories about the other patrons. We imagine an awkward first date for one couple, a nasty fight for another, and all-consuming lust for a third pair. Actually, that one wasn’t imagined; that couple clearly needed to get a room.
The one area in which I have difficulty is guessing ages. I can often nail the decade, but even that isn’t a given. You know that carnival guy who guesses your age within three years or you get a prize? I am the opposite of him.
Age ignorance is expected in kids; to children, all adults are one age: OLD. When I worked as a high school guidance counselor, one teen told me she thought I was forty. FORTY. I was twenty-eight.
Now I’d be tickled pink if anyone thought I was forty. But I have such a horrible radar for age, and this makes me wonder if I have a skewed view of how old I look compared to other people.
Here is a conversation Matt loves to have with me:
Me {nudging head in direction of woman at the next table}: Do you think that woman is older than me?
Matt {death stare}: Absolutely.
He loves this one too:
Me {discreetly pointing to woman who I think looks older than me}: How old do you think that woman is?
Matt {death stare}: Fifty-five…at least.
Fifty-five is a lovely number, but Matt is playing it safe by considerably overshooting my age. He’s no idiot.
I’m not fishing for compliments; I truly want to know how old I look in relation to these women. I know that asking my husband is unfair, and I know that I will not get an honest answer if that answer will make me feel like crap. I don’t trust my own judgment, though. In my head, I’m still twenty-five, and it is quite possible that my eyes see what my head believes. It is also possible that my eyesight is deteriorating and I see myself through a blurry, flattering lens.
I can’t even accurately guess how old kids are anymore. When my kids were small, I could easily tell the age of any kids under 10. Now I categorize kids as under 3, ages 3-10, and 11 and up. There is so much variation, and I have no little ones of my own to use as a reference.
My point of reference is myself, and that’s clearly precarious.
Age is just a number, true, but it’s also about perspective.
As a second grader, I envied the sixth graders who were in charge of keeping the bus lines in order
As a high school freshman, I couldn’t wait to be sixteen and get my driver’s license.
As a college junior, I wished I could go bar-hopping with my friends who had already turned 21.
When I was younger, I wish I’d known that the urgent desire to be older is fleeting. That age I couldn’t wait to reach, that age I thought was so old-in-a-good-way, became that age that was so young.
That sixth grader was my youngest child three years ago.
That sixteen-year-old was my oldest last year.
That 21-year-old was me half a lifetime ago.
Age is just a number, and as the number gets higher it becomes less important. I know this, but I still struggle to convince myself that it is actually true.
Maybe that’s why I have such horrible age radar. Maybe my brain knows that it really doesn’t matter.
Or maybe I just need glasses and a good wrinkle cream.
I remember always wanting to be older when I was a kid, a teenager, a college student. I quit caring about how old I was when my friend died of a brain tumor at a fairly young age. Now, every birthday, I’m so thankful to still be here! I’m so glad to meet you through Finish The Sentence Friday. My youngest son is a senior this year, so I think we have a lot in common!
I’m so sorry about your friend, Lana. I try to be thankful too – every birthday is a gift. It’s so nice to meet you too – we do have lots in common!
My mom went back to school and finished her undergraduate degree and then masters degree in her late 30’s and early 40’s. In one class she had to write about where she thought her life would take her, and she started out by admitting that it seemed odd to be writing such a paper since she already had two elementary aged children and several years of teaching under her belt. Her professor wrote, “Life begins at 40” on her paper, and it’s a motto I’ve embraced as I’ve gotten older. Let’s see, that makes me 18 ! 😉
Oh, I like that way of thinking, Debbie!
I’m terrible at guessing ages. Always. My Grandfather always said age is a state of mind, the number is just a number. He and my Grandmother were never guessed at their ages – many people thought they were ten, even twenty years younger than their chronological age. I have often been mistaken for much younger than I am. I like to think it’s because that mindset rubbed off. Who knows?
Love your post.
You have good genes, Lisa – lucky you! But you’re right – it is a state of mind as well. I know a few people who make me want to yell, “You’re 40, not 70! Stop acting like an old fart!”
Oh I definitely know people like that! 😀 I guess I do have good genes in that respect – my grandparents on both sides were like that, now that I think of it.
As my number gets higher my teeth start chattering a bit more. I wish I could embrace it, but I can’t. I hate ageing. And just in case you don’t believe your husband, you certainly do not look anywhere near 55, and I would easily place you around 35. But you know what, if you feel 25, then let’s go with 25. I don’t know about the US, but here in Canada, they ID everyone at the bar, so if I want to feel like a young thing, I just go out for a night of drinking. Everyone looks great at 2am!
I never get ID’ed anymore, but now I have another reason to look forward to visiting Canada this summer! I may walk into every bar I pass just to get carded. And thank you for the lovely (and low) age guess – I knew I liked you. 😉
So true that age just doesn’t seem to matter much anymore. That said, I have a hard time remembering how old I am a lot of the time! Maybe that’s a good thing. There are just so many more important milestones to remember, goals to strive for. My 13 year old recently told me she can’t wait to be 16 so she can drive – and date! I keep telling her to slow down, but what teenager can slow down? Great post.
I’m reminding my 17 year old to enjoy these last months of high school – she can’t wait to graduate! Teenagers can’t slow down, and we can’t remember our ages.
Ah- love the ending! You always slam it home with your endings, Dana. I love that so much. 🙂
I’m really bad at guessing ages too… and as I get older, I have become really paranoid and insecure about how old I am looking.
I love those conversations that you and Matt have- I could totally see Derek and I having the same ones.
I struggled with the ending, Chris – glad you liked it! So Matt and I aren’t the only ones having these conversations? Whew.
when you count it goes high and high, well, age matter when you are going into older age… Live the life as your religious as you do!!
Yes, I also love the banter between you and your husband (great novel material 🙂 I obsess over my age as it relates to things I can do physically. For instance, I take great pride in the fact I can still run a 5k at the same pace I could ten years ago and can still run up the stairs, taking them two at a time. The sport that has become hard to maintain is soccer (all those twists and turns on my knees!) I keep pushing myself hard, thinking I will be the girl who doesn’t actually grow old or slow down…right? That’s a thing?
It could be a thing…or maybe just be the girl who doesn’t let aging mess with her mentally. Accept the limits our bodies may have, but there’s no reason the mind has to have them.
That being said, I take pride in the fact that I can do as many pushups and bicep curls as I could ten years ago…
Same thoughts on growing old, Dana
I used to wait to grow old to do this…do that…blah!
now..I don’t utter that word…LOL
Your perception of kids growing up matches mine 🙂
It’s a universal experience, isn’t it?
Ha! I love the banter between you and your hubby! I can tell you enjoy each other:) My husband really need to go on more dates. Ya, best to stay away from guessing someone’s age to their face anyway. I gained a year this birthday, because i was convinced I was an age that I’m not, and I can’t tell you wonderful that was, even though I realize once you’re in your mid 40s, a year doesn’t really make any difference. But even so. When I color my hair, which I did a few days ago, I can’t get over how many years it takes off! One of the girls in my daughter girlscout troop even noticed, saying “why do you look so much better?”
Ha! A backhanded compliment, but still. I do sometimes see women who I know could look significantly younger by dressing differently or changing their hairstyle and color. But then I figure if they don’t care, more power to them.
As far as I’m concerned, you look great! They say that with age comes wisdom, but I find it more difficult to guess someone’s age as I get older too. 40 and 50 seem so much younger than they used to. Though I don’t think I ever confused a 28-year old for a 40-year old!
Yes, if someone thought I was 28 now, I’d tell them to get a pair of glasses. But inside I’d be jumping up and down excited.
I used to nail it with kids ages too. Looking at their teeth is almost a dead giveway. But now the ones that are just one or two years older than Christopher look so teenagerey tall and grown up except for the outward immaturely. I look at them and think OMG is Christopher going to look like that in just two years?
As for me, I don’t know if my brain knows it just a number or not. I definitely have a reaction when I say my age out loud or write it down.
I find it startling to put my age in when there is a drop down menu on a website. I feel like I have to scroll down so far…
I am the exact same way – I can’t judge how old people are AT ALL! And yes, same with kids, but I used to blame it on the fact that my oldest son always looked so much older because he was SO MUCH taller than other kids his age (he’s now 18 and 6 foot 8!). And yes, you’re right that kids are always so off about guessing adult’s ages. I once went back to college with a bunch of girlfriends and we visited our old dorm. We asked the freshman when they thought we went to school there and they guessed the 1960s…it was both hilarious and humiliating!
Oh geez – no concept of age at all! It’s interesting to hear that so many of us are bad at estimating age. It makes me feel like I shouldn’t stress about it, because hardly anyone can guess well anyway!
I think it’s actually good that you’re bad at it because I am fairly good at it (or so I tell myself) which means that I am WAY TOO OBSESSED with how I look which is just gross because I’m going to be 50 sooner than I want to. I mean not yet ah hem but OMG soon. My husband is 52. OMG. *comes back after falling on the floor sobbing over lost youth*
Ok for kids. You can tell the 6-10 thing by teeth. I only know this now because my son recently lost 2 teeth and is growing a big-boy one and OMG he looks so stinking old.
Um, old. You can tell botox.. let’s just talk in person.
Gah. Old. OLD. OLD. UGH. Thank you so much for linking up. And remember that in 15 years, today will feel young. Right? Right.
Yeah, I remember the tooth thing – that’s a good clue. And the teeth are so big until their faces grow into them…
In 15 years, today will feel young. Although we probably won’t remember that.
I’m trying not to obsess with age. Even though I am starting to panic because I keep seeing more wrinkles. And I can’t spend lots of money on cream because I’d rather spend that money on other things.
I sometimes forget how old I am. I have to ask my husband, ha.
Or you can not ask and just assume you are 27:)
“My point of reference is myself, and that’s clearly precarious.” <3 <3 <3
Yes, I’m fully aware of my warped sense of self!
Never mind perspective, so much of age is ATTITUDE (and also, to judge by my patients, whether or not you smoke)…but also genetics. My mum is 60 and looks WAY younger, and WonderAunty is not-60 and bless her, has more wrinkles and lines than mum.
I look like a mixture of the two of them – I’m definitely getting wrinkly.
I think you look young because you have such beautiful skin.
Yes to attitude – you are so right! And you’re very sweet to compliment my skin – thank you. I see the fine lines, but I know I’m harder on myself than others are. Laughing and smiling causes those lines, so I try to celebrate them.
I think we’re probably all harder on ourselves than others are. We focus in.
You DO have lovely skin though. Laughter lines and smile lines are GOOD ones though 🙂
I admit to obsessing about age too. Lately, the skin on my neck makes me cringe. It’s entirely too crepe-like! And those little wrinkles that appear at my wrists… I’m getting old lady hands! Apply more Curel, stat! And I keep noticing how my friends are starting to show their accumulation of years too… I’m swearing off readers as long as I can – the tell-tale sign of 45+.
But here’s the thing: As hubby always says, we can’t change it, so why worry about it? So, I’m trying to EMBRACE my age and the wisdom that comes with it. And drink more water and eat my veggies and run. I can’t stop myself from aging, but I can age well. 😉
Exactly! I’m trying to embrace it too – there are so many good things about being the age I am.
I got reading glasses last year, but I will only use them if my eyes are really tired or my arm is too short.
Im bad at guessing ages too. As for me…would yoy believe that lately I’ve been forgetting how old I am. Either it’s age induced forgetfulness, denial, I don’t care?
Either way, it works! I forget sometimes too.
I constantly forget how old I am. The older I get, the less I worry about age – right up until the next “big birthday” is staring me in the face. Then a have a momentary freak out.
But just momentary, right? I like your outlook, Mo. Worrying about age doesn’t slow things down; it just causes worry lines.
wait until you’ve been married the number of years that is 1/2 of your age! Or you’ve been with your spouse more than 1/2 your age. That one got me.
My husband and I have been together for over half our lives – I’m already there! In two years we’ll be married half our lives, but that doesn’t bother me. It makes me feel lucky!
Between 25-40 – I can’t tell at all. It wasn’t always like that. I’m sure when I was 18 or so, everyone looked 40 to me, and I thought 40 was old. Now I think middle-aged is more like 60 and young adulthood is 18-40. I’m sticking to that!
Cassidy and I went out to dinner last week, sat at the bar, and made up stories about people next to us. Bonus was that we both got carded!
That is a bonus! I agree with you about middle age – it’s older than it used to be.
I’m terrible at age. Since I met David, it seems I’m usually the youngest one in the group. He is 6 years older than me so his friends are all older than me. I got married and had kids fairly young, so a lot of my mom friends are older than me. Sometimes it’s nice to be the youngest – except when people think I’m older than I really am! 🙂
I know – I don’t like when people assume we are the same age because our kids are. I know it’s just because we are peers, but still…
I consider myself a feminist.
I am powerful.
Empowered.
I ROAR.
…but one little thing I don’t do…
Tell my true age!!
Great post. Yeah, you look 40! x
I’ll take that!
I have a bad age radar too, now made worse by everyone’s botox, filler, etc. Actually, I think all that stuff is making 40-year-olds like ten years older because that frozen look can actually be aging (ironically). It makes people look like they are older and TRYING to look younger.
But yeah, none of it should matter and yet . . . it’s such a THING. ARG!
It is such a thing. And I agree – many women who try to look younger just look like they are trying too hard. I’m trying to age gracefully, but it’s an uphill battle.
I’m terrible at judging people’s ages. Before I became a mom, I felt that everyone who was a parent was older than me (obviously not always the case!) and I really have no sense of how old the moms around me are, especially since their ages span over a decade here.
I too have stopped looking forward to getting older in the way that you do when you’re under 21 and waiting to hit all those major milestones. At the same time, I’ve found that I still enjoy getting older, though it’s less about a number thing and more about finding what makes me happy in life.
That’s a fabulous way to look at it, Bev! More about finding what makes me happy in life. So, so true.
This is so timely for me as my 41st birthday is right around the corner. I loved turning 40 (sort of) and made peace with it but, 41 just now seems “old” and ugh. However, I feel exactly like you do about looking at myself and still seeing a 20-something. I have a lot of the same inner conflicts as well about my youth and always wanting to be older. I know I look a lot younger then I am due to all my training and amazing genes BUT I know how old I am and some days I want to forget!!
Fortunately, the forgetting things comes much easier the older we get!
Trust me, I try my best to forget that I am the age I am now and like my one aunt always has jokingly said that she would be 39 forever, I would like to remain forever young at least in my mind’s eye, too. Oh and well, I turn 39 this year, ironically enough! 😉
Aw, just try to enjoy it, Janine! Easier said than done, I know.
I am horribly age ignorant, too. I generally categorize people by decades and life milestones. Is the exact number really important…? 🙂
It shouldn’t be – you’re right. I like using life milestones as a marker.