James and I stood at the reception desk at the orthodontist, making his next appointment. He would miss Spanish class, and he was cool with that.
“I’ll just get the work from my teacher and make it up,” he said. Of course he will. That’s what I would have done when I was in high school, but I would have freaked out about it. It would not be as big as the Massive Freak Out, though.
*****
I had been through every inch of my freshman dorm room, and I could not find the folder that held all of my history notes from first semester. I had taken AP U.S. History in an attempt to get out of history classes in college, but the liberal arts curriculum required Modern Civilization for all freshmen. That class was torture, so when a suite mate asked me if I would share the topic of my midterm paper, I agreed to give her some ideas. My notes were missing; I figured I must have taken them home with me.
A week later, I discovered that the notes were not at home, but on the desk of a friend down the hall. I confronted her, and she admitted to stealing the notes from my desk drawer so she could avoid doing all the work. I yelled at her, and I used a very bad word out loud for the first time in my life.
While her behavior was deplorable, from my current perspective I am embarrassed that I stooped to screaming and cursing in anger. Yet the uncharacteristic intensity of my anger reveals who I was as a student and who I still am today.
The stressed student
Strong, motivated and stressed are the three adjectives that describe me as a student. I always did well in school, and the farther I progressed in my education, the harder I worked to keep getting A’s. I wanted to do well, and I often put too much pressure on myself.
I was and still am a perfectionistic, although I make a concerted effort to only inflict that perfectionism on myself. While I want my children to do their best in school, I prefer they do that without getting stomach ulcers.
Once my teenagers entered high school, that stress I felt as a student returned in a new form, as I tried to help my kids balance strong academic performance with an enjoyable high school experience. I kept much of my worry to myself, although I’m sure they think I am a pain in the neck. It’s tough to watch my kids make different decisions than I would in regards to juggling schoolwork.
When I had a test on Friday, I started studying the week before instead of cramming it all in on Thursday. When I had 100 pages to read in a novel, I read 20 pages a night for five nights instead of all of it the night before it was due. I started my homework as soon as I got home from school, instead of procrastinating for an hour and going to bed too late.
My kids have done all of those “instead” things, and I have cautioned them against it. Then I get stressed when they don’t follow my advice. I became so stressed a few years ago that I wrote an entire post about it, as a way to release the pressure I let boil up inside me. I wrote about my then-sophomore daughter:
I try not to fret over every grade she brings home. I try not to put undue pressure on her to do well; she is already doing hours of homework a night. But I worry about how she’ll measure up compared to the rest of her class, or to the other applicants when it comes time to apply to college.
As I often do when I am ruminating over something out of my control, I’m working on changing my reaction to the situation. I can’t change the competitive environment. I can’t take her classes for her, although I can give her study tips and other tools she needs to be a successful student on her own.
Gwen is now a freshman in college; she certainly measured up. We visited her for the first time this weekend, and I sat at her desk as she was putting away the stash of food we brought her. I smiled as I looked at her chalkboard calendar, carefully filled in with all of her assignments for the month. She has it under control, and the physical distance between us alleviates my daily stress about her classes.
James is now that high school sophomore, and while I’m not as laid back as he is, I’ve definitely released some of that pressure. He’s a much different student than I was, and than his sister is. I channeled my stress into good grades, but he doesn’t have to do that to succeed.
I probably didn’t have to stress myself out either, but that is one trait that has remained with me throughout my post-student years. I am happy to report, however, that I have never again called another person the name I called the girl who stole my history notes.
I would have been furious if somebody stole my notes! JEEZ!!! That’s so completely uncool. I’m glad you caught her and I’d have yelled the worst words I know! Ugh.
Also I get more stressed over Tucker’s homework than I did my own for some reason. I had a rough freshman year in high school but turned it around and graduated with a 3.8 I think. Not bad for a girl who spent more time at the reservoir than in the classroom. Sadly, Tucker has to work extra-hard which is a bummer for both of us. I have a good arrangement with his teacher though – as long as he reads for 15-20 minutes every day, she doesn’t really sweat homework and I’m so relieved. Way better than last year when he had a spelling test every Friday.
Yes, I can definitely understand being stressed in school. I even referenced stress in my own piece this month! Hopefully, I can learn like you to let go of my own style and let my kids do what works best for them.
I wish I had that drive in school. I attended school to play sports not learn. Incredibly different….no push from parents…now I hopefully have taught my children from my mistakes on studying, note taking and planning their week for their assignments. My daughter has earned her degree from Towson and has continued her education even with being a mother of 3. Thank you for a great blog!
Glad you enjoyed it, Terry! I imagine it takes a superhuman drive to go to school while parenting three young kids; you’ve obviously instilled that sense of motivation in your daughter. You’re a good momma 🙂
I’m not into name calling either – but it happens (in the car) and I probably would have reacted to her the same as you did.
Right now Christopher is playing (which he should enjoy this beautiful day) but I’m stressed because it’s Sunday afternoon and I know he still have to read something and do spanish homework. I would be so much more relaxed if he had it done. Even though it’s not like he needs my help with it.
I totally understand! I breathe a sign of relief when homework is done, even though I usually have nothing to do with it.
very interesting post for me to read. like you, i was a perfectionist which i mainly attribute to self-motivation. but then i read success stories from tiger parents who say that if they hadn’t been hard on their kids, then their kids wouldn’t have been as successful as they are. so i am completely torn. i refuse to be hands-off, but i wonder what kind of balance i’ll strike. right now i hope that if i make the right choices when it comes to school and extracurricular activities, that my kid can then figure it out from there.
did you see the research that indicates intelligence comes from the mother? hooray!
Yay! Although my kids would be in good shape if it comes from their father too.
I stepped back progressively as the kids got older. There are some things they need to learn for themselves, but there are also skills that they need to be taught. I understand what you are saying, though – it is a balance, and much of it depends on your child.
I was just like you as a student which is probably why, when my son entered high school, I was so ill-prepared for dealing with his disorganized procrastination. I knew he had an idea of the path he wanted his life to take and the colleges he was interested in but it felt like he wasn’t focused on how to get there. Thankfully, freshman year a particular teacher and subject sparked a fire in him and everything turned out ok. I have thanked that teacher many, many times for his influence in my son’s life.
That’s wonderful! Unfortunately my daughter doesn’t have a fabulous teacher like that this semester, but she has had some great ones in the past. I’m just embracing the fact that she’s at college now and making her own decisions…
I completely get this! I felt a lot of pressure to do well in school (both parents were teachers) and put a lot of pressure on myself to live up to assumed expectations. Now, my oldest is in an accelerated high school program (which was a very stressful decision all by itself) and, now, I find myself telling her to relax and that a “B” is perfectly acceptable, although I never would have thought that myself when I was in 9th grade.
With age comes wisdom, right? I hope your daughter is doing well, and that you are stressing out vicariously!
Oh man…school. I was a freak when it came down to my things and notes and studying. Like whoa. I’m type A all the way and I feel you. I totally feel you.
There was a lot of booze in my last year of college because I just needed to breathe so says my friends. Plus my nursing instructor told me that employers don’t look at grades. “They want to know if you killed anyone during your clinical rotations and if you didn’t well, you’re hired kid.”
Son of a….
Ha! I’m a little scared of nurses now.
*grins* Ohhhhh dearie me, my Dana! I’m glad for the lesson you took away from your meltdown but I kind of wish I could have seen it! I think I would have snapped a lot quicker and said a lot worse!
I think I was rarely stressed as a student. I’ve been blessed with a good brain for learning, which makes me very lazy, and it’s been my pattern to do the bare minimum necessary to get by. I’d get homework done quickly so I could play more later, without it hanging over me. I’d always rather have it done before deadline, and know I’m free to do what I wish.
I’m the same way, Lizzi! I can’t understand why my son wants to put off doing his homework, but I suppose he just doesn’t let what he has to do later bother him now.
Those stolen history notes are the stuff of nightmares. Literally. I still dream about that type of horrid event. Hope your dreams aren’t filled with them.
I am a procrastinator as is my son. However, my daughter isn’t. She’d do her homework on Friday nights during high school.
I’m so glad your daughter is settling in well.
Thanks Kelly!
I would have freaked out, too, if someone had stolen my notes!
Oh, Boy….
I wouldn’ve been the poor girl who took your notes…
and then felt so badly about it that I would’ve bought you a chocolate bar to apologize.
xx
I don’t believe you would have stolen my notes, Kim! But if you brought me chocolate, I would have shared them with you.
Great answer! xx
I’m impressed that it took you until college to say a swear word aloud?? I love that. And she deserved it, dare I say.
I have a lot of trouble with being able to differentiate how different (or alike) my kids are from me. They’re not even in serious schooling yet, but.. I have my worries. And my hopes.
Oh, I swore before college – I had just never used THAT word before. Or since.
Oh, Dana, I share those adjectives with you! My eldest is meticulous and planned out, like me. #2 tends to take after her father and indulge in procrastination more often than I’d like. But they both get great grades and seem to be on top of it. So I will bite my tongue and try not to do the stressing for them.
It’s tough, isn’t it? But I realize that my way isn’t the only way, and it’s much less painful for both me and my children if I give them the space to figure things out themselves.
Oh boy do I remember that blow up freshman year. Those notes were not on my desk….thankfully! Your drive and diligence in college always impressed me and scared me a little bit. But you motivated me by how hard you worked. I’m certain your wonderful children have learned so much from you and your strong work ethic.
That’s right – you were witness to my blow up! The notes may have even been in a drawer – boy, was I pissed. Sorry if I scared you with my drive (you’re sweet not to say my obsessiveness!) – I think we were all good students who motivated one another. Sometimes that motivation was to ditch the books in favor of a party, but still.
I think you and I share some studious traits! My family and friends always made fun of me because during grad school, when I would have four 30 page term papers due in the last week of the semester I would dole them out over the last four weeks of term, handing them in as much as a month early so I could move on to focusing on the next paper. Otherwise I was too stressed to even move!
I love the balance of your remembering swearing at that friend…which, I totally get BTW…and visiting your daughter at school. I’m glad to know that she’s settling in well. Do you think she’s said that very bad swear word out loud yet?
Oh, I hope not! I only said it because it was deserved, and I hope she is never that angry with someone to use it!
I love the image of you yelling that word, and I am pretty sure I know which one, at someone! So out of character. You MUST have been pissed!
Isn’t it sweet relief not to have to see the day to day with our college students. I love not knowing if they are missing something or not. It was surprisingly easy for me to give up that control, even after all the years of the email ASPEN notifications telling me of their every transgression. I don’t miss those days!
Hope you have a stress free week ;).
I was LIVID. And you’re right; it is a relief to not know everything!
I think you and I are the same person sometimes. I seriously believe I will get an ulcer when my boys are in high school. I already can’t handle the way one of them is toward getting assignments done and he’s in second grade. Lord have mercy!!
So glad you got to visit your daughter this weekend!! That must be a truly mind-blowing experience 🙂
It was so great to see her, and cool to see her walk around campus with confidence. I have avoided ulcers so far, Allie – so fingers crossed for you too!
Although I didn’t get straight A’s, your description of Dana in high school sounds just like me. And it’s sooooooo hard for me to not pressure my kids. They just don’t seem to be stressed about school at all. And it really worries me, but I’m trying to back off. I’m glad your daughter’s doing well at college.
Me too – although she barely has any grades yet!
Omg, I could have written this as back in school, I was definitely more Type A and stressed, but also motivated to do only my best as a student. Like you I try not to put similar types of pressures on my kids, but old habits still die hard I guess.
They do – even when I have a writing deadline, I’m like a maniac until it’s finished!
You and I are so much alike! I would have stress dreams about big papers and start them months in advance. I never once crammed for a test and would spend all week studying. (I could always tell when I was done studying study because my brain would refuse to focus.) I hope not to project that on Eve as she gets older, though I hope she inherited her mom’s study habits.
I’m impressed it took you until college to use a curse word out loud!
Oh, not any curse word. A certain, really awful curse word. I guess I didn’t make that clear 😉