I shift a few inches to the right, edging closer to Matt in the crowded diner booth. To my left, James snickers as my movement against the vinyl bench creates a sound identical to a release of bodily gas. Across the booth, Gwen’s head is bent over a phone. The “no electronics at mealtime” rule does not apply when the electronics are Grandma’s.
“You have to go into your Settings,” she explains with a patience I’ve rarely seen in my high school senior. Her messy bun tips forward, almost touching the salt and pepper head of her grandmother. The two stare at the screen, one gaze confident and one confused. The teenager works her magic, and my mother-in-law smiles in relief as she tucks her ancient smartphone into her handbag. Problem solved, courtesy of the most savvy electronics user in our family.
As the oldest grandchildren on both sides, my two kids have been their grandparents’ technology gurus for the better part of their childhoods. It has been a bond between the generations since the kids became tweens and their knowledge surpassed their grandparents’. Once they had email addresses, their grandparents could skip relaying messages through me and talk directly to the source.
The source is not always reliable, however, and technology is not always a relationship boon.
“Did he get my email?” my mother asks me when we chat on the phone after dinner.
I don’t know if James got the email, and I tell her that. He obviously has not responded to my mother, and she is turning to me to bridge the gap. I am the middle man, and I can’t win. Grammie is upset that communication is ignored, and the kid is upset because Mom and Grammie are riding him.
“Just reply to her,” I implore. “Pretend she’s a friend that you would get back to immediately.” He rolls his eyes, but the fingers move quickly on his phone as he does as I ask.
While I was close to my grandmother, our communication was less frequent than it is for this generation. I called her when something important happened, but less frequently just to catch up. A telephone call had to be planned; it was an event. Now, grandchildren and grandparents can touch base at any time, and for the smallest of reasons.
As the kids get older, they are usually better about timely replies. They want to stay in touch with their grandparents, but they don’t necessarily want to be as connected as they are to their friends. Constant contact and instant responses are the norm for teenagers and millennials, but even this generation of adolescents doesn’t want to be beholden to their grandparents 24/7.
Once again I am the middle man. I explain to my mother that my kids will reply eventually, aware that I am making excuses for them. I explain to my kids that Grammie feels snubbed when they don’t respond the same day they receive a text. I want to take everyone’s phones and toss them out the window.
I was stuck in the middle again last week, but this time I was happy to be there. James asked a girl to Homecoming, and he texted me a photo of the two of them to share the news.
“I sent it to Grammie, too,” he mentioned casually when he climbed into the car after school. “I figured it would make her happy.”
Oh, it did. She told me how touched she was by this voluntary gesture; as the go-between, I delivered this news to James. He is beginning to realize how much a few seconds of his time can mean the world to his grandmother.
The landscape will undoubtedly be different by the time I have grandchildren. Perhaps they will give me lessons in mastering the iPhone 20, or we will catch up via a virtual reality FaceTime. As the world becomes wider and family time becomes tougher to come by, technology is more than a divide between generations. It also creates opportunities for small, infrequent connections that strengthen the bond between them.
This piece first appeared on JMORE Living.
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This was beautiful, Dana! It reminds me of talking to my grandmother on the phone when I was in high school. I actually wrote a memoir for an assignment about her, which pushed me to talk to her more. I wonder what our communication would have been like in this era.
I wonder that about my grandmother and me, too. I’m thinking she’d be a bit resistant to texting!
Reading this made me think of my grandma. I don’t think she’s ever managed to send someone an email without help.
Ha!
I am so thankful that my mom has enthusiastically embraced technology. It really does help her to stay in better touch with the whole family. And I still smile every time she tells me about something she learned by doing research on her iPad. In fact, research on her iPad is how she found the independent senior living community in which she now lives.
That’s so cool! And the Apple store has classes to help people learn all the ins and outs of their devices. I think I would benefit from that – I’m still trying to figure out my first Mac.
I relate so well to this. (Shocker!). Although, you’ve brought a few new insights. I’ve always nagged the kids on behalf of grandparents (it just takes a few seconds; they just want to hear from you occasionally; they won’t be here forever), I’ve never tried to explain the teen view to the grandparents. I will try it. Thanks!
My pleasure, Julia. I find myself defending my kids to my parents, and then defending my parents to my kids. It’s exhausting.
So so sweet and such a great angle to discuss technology and relationships.
Thank you Nina!
Lovely! I can’t wait till Zoe’s the age where she can explain technology to me instead of just at the one where she disappears the apps from my phone!
Ha – at least they are still in your cloud…until she figures out how to delete them there, too.
Sometimes, I am shocked at what my seven-year-old knows about technology. It’s all so just there for them, you know? I love the image of your daughter’s bun touching your MIL’s hair as they figure out her phone though. So much.
Thanks, Kristi! Technology can be so good, but it has the potential to take over one’s life. That’s a battle we have as parents that our parents’ generation didn’t.
My husband recently gave my 85-year old mom his old iPad so now she can text for the first time. I’m now the middle man imploring my sons and nephews to send their grandma a text with a picture once in a while.
So you know exactly what I mean!
You know, I think you have given me a great idea!!!! Rich’s parents are not on social media, but they do have smart phones. I think texting would be a great way for Hunter and Audrey to stay in touch. Lord knows they hate talking on the phone!
That could work! You just have to remind the kids to actually RESPOND to texts.
Dana, I think this is beautifully written. I see the same interaction with my two and my 94 year-old mom. She got herself a new computer this summer and has been struggling with it. My two have been so patient explaining things to her that they explained on previous visits. If only they could be so patient with ME. Ha!
Oh this is so great! My boys can’t text…yet but, they are so technologically savvy it blows my mind. They know their way around an iPad better than me sometimes and have the YouTube videos to prove it! They already have such a great relationship with their grandparents but I’m sure they will not be the first ones to get a text when they become teenagers. *sigh*
What a great story though and I love how you’re both praising technology (instead of bashing it!) while showing the downside in a realistic way.
Aloha, Allie! It’s amazing how much has changed since my kids were your boys’ age – they never had iPads or iPhones to play with until they were much older. But of course they picked up on it just fine. 🙂
Aw… James! So sweet!
It’s interesting to be the middleman in this tech generation. We can remember how we grew up – with phone booths and phones with cords! And we can also see that kids today have no idea about that stuff.
My kids are the oldest grandchildren on both sides, so I hope they step up to the plate like yours.
Technology is great to connect with nieces and nephews too. My 12 year old niece and I have a Snapchat streak, and her snaps always make me smile.
We definitely live a technology savvy world as far as kids are concerned as my own two use iPads like it is second nature for them. I hang my head in shame that up until a few months ago both my kids knew my cell phone number just find, but still didn’t completely have our landline home number down. As for communicating with these devices, my girls are still a bit too young to have smartphones though, but they do know how to email and text through the iPad. So, trust me I get that aspect of this totally, as well.
I’m sure you do. My kids make fun of me because I don’t even know their cell numbers – I never actually dial their numbers!