“Quiz me on the positions again,” I say to my fifteen-year-old son as I place my phone face down on the corner of the table.
He is running errands with me, something he does as infrequently as he hangs up bath towels or turns off lights. There is no school today, and I bribed my growing boy with lunch at a favorite burger joint. He is content to browse the electronics and music sections in Target while I shop, particularly when french fries await him.
Always the planner, I had thought about our lunch date ahead of time, and was determined to engage in meaningful conversations with my teenager. Since his older sister left for college, he and I have spent quite a bit of one on one time together, but often that time is filled with things we have to do. This lunch is an opportunity to simply sit and talk, and I don’t want to screw it up. I choose the one subject that I know he loves, and that he can talk about endlessly.
I had absolutely no interest in football as a girl or a young adult, even when I married a dedicated fan. When my son began to develop a rabid interest as a boy of five or six, however, I started paying attention. To my surprise, I enjoyed watching the Ravens every Sunday. It was a way for the four of us to bond, and my interest gave my son the chance to show off his extensive knowledge. He may not remember to turn his socks right side out before he throws them in the hamper, but he does remember an impressive number of football statistics.
No matter how often I watch, I simply cannot wrap my head around all of the positions. I wonder if there is a critical age for learning football like there is for learning a new language; perhaps one must be under the age of ten in order to fully grasp the game. I am a late learner, but I have an excellent teacher.
“Okay,” he begins confidently, outlining an imaginary football field on the table with his index finger. “Here is the quarterback,” pointing to an invisible Joe Flacco. That position I know. “Who are the guys in front of him?”
I consider my answer, and he gives me a lopsided smirk, sure I’ll get it wrong. I do, but he is a patient instructor, and we go through each position and the Ravens player who fills it. I score about 70%, so we go through the lineup again, munching on our burgers and fries in between questions.
When my daughter left for college, I fretted about how quiet our home would be without my talkative child filling the silence. What would I chat about with my son of few words? I prepared a mental list of topics we could discuss, determined to foster meaningful conversation between mother and son. He doesn’t often talk about his friends, and he is not particularly interested in pop culture. When he has something to say, he says it, but he does not talk just to hear himself speak.
It turns out that my son isn’t quiet. While he isn’t chatty, he is quite capable of carrying on conversations and sharing tidbits about himself and his life. I knew this, of course, but I had not seen his verbal prowess in action while his more vocal sister was home. He seemed content to let her take center stage, or perhaps he simply felt that it wasn’t worth the effort to jockey for attention.
Now the attention is all his, but my direct questioning approach is too in-his-face. He prefers to initiate the conversation on his own terms, and in his own time. I’ve learned to be comfortable with the silence, and reign in my probes and inquiries.
Football questions are always welcome, however, and we go through the line up once again as we finish our lunch. I score a little better this time, but I know that I’ll forget the answers before Sunday’s game. While I grumble about my failure to get a perfect score, this is one lesson I’m in no hurry to master.
This piece originally appeared on JMore Living.
I had a similar realization with my parents a few years ago — that while my mom is often chatty and my dad by comparison doesn’t really say much, get him one-on-one and he has plenty to say 🙂 I’m glad you have been able to find ways to bond with your son, and I’m sure he appreciates having your undivided attention!
Sometimes he does, but sometimes he’d rather be left alone!
Christopher initiates conversation on his own terms too and I’m always so suprised that he has so much to say. I like hearing his changing voice and the enthusiasm he has for what he’s talking about. I don’t get much from conversations I initiate unless I’ve voluteered a similar “quiz me” kind of thing.
I’ve just become a football lover in the last couple of years and it came from watching Christopher play but he’s not playing anymore. But I don’t know the positions either – just quarterback. I couldn’t even intelligently say what positions Christopher played. I know he played offense and defense and he blocked and tackled and it’s hit or miss if I match it up correctly – block with offense and defense with tackle???
I think that’s right, Kenya…but you are asking a novice. I think James loves that he has to keep teaching me things (secretly, though…I doubt he’d admit it).
I still don’t know all the rules for field hockey after five years of watching Gwen play…
Is there a trick for “reigning in the probes and inquiries”? I need that trick. My oldest, the one leaving next year, usually chats readily with me every few days. Oh, but number two. She hates my probes. I’m glad I’m not the only one who puts so much thought into how to approach a conversation…
Other than literally biting my tongue, I have no trick! There are still times that I want to smack myself for asking too many questions. And depending on the mood, he may answer freely, or he may get annoyed.
So good. So wise! I love this.
Thanks Amy!
It’s so sweet that he’s teaching you about football!
He is very patient with me!
This totally spoke to me as a mom of a football loving teen. (just turned 13!) And also true for me that our time alone is usually around getting stuff done like new shoes for him or a haircut. I like the idea of a discussion plan for lunch!
You’re now the mom of a teen! Mazel tov. Isn’t it funny that for all their individual differences, teenage boys are such similar creatures?
I love football and love being able to chat about it with Hunter – but he has surpassed me in the knowledge. He’s also obsessed with NASCAR, and I now know more than I ever thought I would ha, ha!
That is one sport I know nothing about! But you’re right, when your child is interested, you become a quasi-expert. For a long time I knew everything there was to know about big cats, because James was obsessed! (I’m sure he’d like me to clarify that he was about five at the time:)
Great to see this special bond between you and your son, Dana. These are precious moments for you. Cherish them. Like you, I know precious little about football, but I love how you describe how he lights up when he shares his love of the sport.
I love it too, Alison. As the youngest in the family, it’s rare that he is the pro at any topic. He is for football, though!
I wonder if Des will like football! Cassidy doesn’t, so I haven’t had to learn.. yet.. but the right cute boy (Des) would inspire.
Scarlet is so vocal and confident, that we all already notice how Des shines with one-on-one adult time! It reminds me of your kids.
Me too! I’m pretty sure James wouldn’t have been into football if Matt wasn’t, but then again he is very into soccer with no influence from his father.
I love football but could not identify any players beyond the quarterback. I love that you are relishing this one-on-one time with your son, determined to make it count. Your thoughtfulness is creating memories that you will both cherish. Beautiful!
Thank you so much, Mo. I’m looking forward to the new football season starting, although I definitely need a refresher course on the positions.
Love this!!! I hear you! Teenage boys!!! But I love the deliberateness in your approach which I think is essential. I agree you have to go to their topics. I find when I drive them places they open up. So while it’s a pain, and I’m tired, and we hit traffic, I do try to drive them to soccer practice (which is often up to an hour away!!) as much as I can and side by side, we chat. Sometimes their friends come along and I listen in and learn a lot and get to know the friends (I talk too, but try to stay on their topics:))
I agree with you on the driving – it seems to be easier for them to chat in the car. And when friends are there too – yes! I love to hear them chat with their peers.
This is so sweet Dana! I love how your kids can still surprise you and having just the one at home opens up a whole new dimension for both of you. And, you know I LOVE football so I can only hope my sons take a serious interest in watching it this season!!
I feel like it was right around your sons’ age that mine started getting really pumped for football. So maybe it’s your year!
Only have daughters here, but I get the football part of this as my husband is a huge fan. When we first started dating, I tried to take an interest, but I seriously just couldn’t get it no matter how hard I tried. Luckily, we have other things in common and there is that. Btu still football totally alludes me even to this day now.
Ha – it would still allude me if my son wasn’t interested! For him, I’ll learn.