We sit at a table strewn with the remains of lunch, watching our preschoolers climb around the play structure. At age 4, my youngest child is an active and happy little boy, ducking into the tunnels. Sailing down the slide is his idea of a perfect afternoon.
“Are you starting him in kindergarten in the fall?” his friend’s father asks me. With an August birthday, my son will be one of the youngest in his class, beginning kindergarten just weeks after his fifth birthday. He is in his third year of preschool, and my husband and I have no concerns about his ability to adjust to the rigors of full-day kindergarten.
“Absolutely,” I answer, as I sweep the cups and straws onto the tray.
As the conversation continues, the father shares his unsolicited opinion with me. If we hold our son back a year, he advises, our boy will be physically bigger and stronger than his peers, and will have a better shot at being a successful high school athlete.
More than a decade later, I sit in the driver’s seat of my car, door open and feet dangling out as I attempt to stay cool in the wet August heat. My oldest child is on the field, waiting for the field hockey coach to tell her whether she made the team. I can’t remember ever feeling so anxious. Even junior varsity sports can be cutthroat, and my girl has trained all summer to give herself the best shot at getting a spot on the team.
She makes the team, and plays all four years of high school. She has no designs on playing in college, although she has friends who do. Some go on to play at the collegiate level, after years of playing on competitive and expensive club teams.
Since my kids were small, they have been playing one sport or another. It can be a good thing, since physical fitness and staying active are important to Matt and me. But particularly in the competitive parenting county in which we live, sports can be a stressful and pressure-laden facet of a child’s life.
To what end? According to the NCAA, only 480,000 of the nearly 8 million high school students will compete at NCAA schools. That’s 6 percent. Banking on financing a college education through athletic scholarships is risky, an improbable reality.
Many kids play because they love the sport. That 4-year-old crawling through tunnels is now a high school sophomore, and he plays multiple sports at the appropriate age level despite his late birthday. He has never loved one sport enough to dedicate all of his time to it, but he has friends who do.
He has friends who love their sport of choice, but it is THEIR choice, not their parents. The rivalry should stay on the field or the court, not in the stands among the adult spectators. Having a child who is a strong athlete does not make one a good parent, or a better parent than anyone else.
Despite my intentions to steer clear, I have been caught up in the sports race to the top. I fretted when my son tried out for travel basketball, and worried that his lack of experience at the elite level would hurt his chances of playing lacrosse in high school. I have learned, however, that my son is resilient. When he fails, he learns that he won’t always come out on top in everything he does. He recovers and tries something else, and does so having no regrets or what-ifs because he gave it his best shot.
From the sidelines, I try to maintain perspective, which is a bit easier to do now that the field hockey player has retired and gone off to college. The teams she did or didn’t play on did not make or break her, and she traded her stick for running shoes, the gym and the occasional game of intramural coed volleyball. She’s having fun, but jokes that she is horrible and barely plays. Fortunately, the intramural league doesn’t make cuts.
This piece originally appeared on JMore Living.
Amen! Hunter is my only “athlete” and he runs XC. It’s the friendliest and most supportive community!
You are so right, Allie!
I have the tall kid with a late start. At this age, I disagree with the guy who gave you the unsolicited opinion. In the younger years when Christopher played rec ball and was placed on teams by grade, he definitely came out on top. When he moved up to the next level, being the youngest on the team but not as good as his older teammates then he definitely got his feelings hurt. I guess that goes with the “two sides to a coin” saying.
Absolutely! And you always have the other parent who seems to know what is best for your child. Everyone has an opinion…
Des is a June baby and I didn’t even really contemplate holding him back! Except maybe because I wasn’t ready to let go..
I wonder if I’ll be a sports parent! Scarlet has track two days a week, thus far!
I love track…so far that’s where I’ve found the most support and kindness for every child.
We have parents who are already ruining sports for my kids peers who are EIGHT years-old! It’s insane. Luckily my kids play for fun and they also love gymnastics (where this seems to not exist!) and playing instruments.
You could not be more right on so many points here! Sports should be FUN and rivalries should stay on the field.
Amen! Cross country is a sport that is super supportive – parents and kids all root for everyone. It’s a shock to go from that atmosphere to the team sports, that can be so cut-throat.
Sports are so hard. My son enjoys some but gets really frustrated that he’s often one of the least talented on the field, and it becomes something sad and challenging rather than fun. Still, we persist. I really love this piece of yours.
Thanks, Kristi! I love that in our county, there are options for all athletic and interest levels. Not every kid needs to be (or wants to be) the best – some just want to run around and have fun.
We are travel soccer people, which in this rural part of the state involves a lot of driving. It’s so funny, because the parents of my youngest son’s teammates get so worked up during games. I used to also, for my first born. Now I’m like, “They’re ten. This isn’t the World Cup.” I’m just hoping he picks up some skills, has fun, and learns those lessons about resiliency that you mentioned.
You have the wisdom on a veteran soccer parent now, Julia! It is easy to get swept up in the excitement and competition, but not at the expense of our kids’ enjoyment of the sport.
Couldn’t agree with you more! Last school year, we had some terrible experiences with soccer teams that ruined my kids’ enthusiasm for the sport & my patience to deal with what youth sports have (unfortuantely) become. This year, we are cutting way back.
Good for you, Lisa. I know some kids who burn out on their sport by the time they get to high school.
The only sport either of my kids play here is soccer and that is only my older girl. But still, I never thought I would get into as much as I have, especially now that this year my girl seems to have really come out of her shell so to speak with soccer. She is now the aggressive player on the field who wants to score the goal or at least help assist. That said, I still try not to push though and just have my own view from the sidelines of her, as well.
That’s great that your daughter has found soccer as a way to come out of her shell, Janine. Kudos to you for focusing on the benefits of sports instead of the glory!