Home is where my kids are, so I anticipated my oldest child’s departure for college with a mix of sadness and excitement. I thought adapting to daily life without one of my outside hearts would be heart-wrenching, and that the adjustment would take weeks, if not months.
I thought wrong. It is no reflection on my daughter or my love for her, but her father, brother and I settled into a life of three without the devastation I expected. She was ready to live at college, and I was ready to let go as she takes those steps into adulthood. Yet eighteen years of cohabitation creates muscle memory; we easily shift back to our original party of four whenever she comes home.
When she’s here with me, I can’t imagine saying goodbye again. But we do, and each time she is okay. I am okay. We Snapchat and text daily, and speak on the phone a few times a week. The occasional Face Time allows me to lay eyes on that face I adore, and to be reassured that she is happy and healthy.
My baby is still home with me, although the razor on his bathroom counter and the smell of his size 10.5 running shoes are proof he is no longer an affectionate, cuddly toddler. Our relationship is changing, although I don’t know if it’s due to his maturation or the fact that he is now an only child for most of the year. He’s the child who demands less, but that doesn’t mean he requires less. I can now focus all of my attention to him, and he does not always appreciate my devotion. Yet when I can find the small moments and unobtrusively insert myself into his orbit, parenting magic happens.
He watches Friends after practice most afternoons, and I wander into the room and watch with him. The three of us dwell at the table after dinner and chat. We play HQ together every night at 9 p.m., and he still sings the Shema with me before going to sleep. I’m always in bed first, and he declines a snuggle, but I’ll take a hand squeeze and a peck on the cheek.
This is an odd phase of parenting, and it’s one I never thought about while I was on mom duty 24/7. I’m on the bubble, with kids whose ages and driver’s licenses make them fairly independent. One child moves in and out of daily life, and the other is an only child for the first time. As the stay-at-home mom who tended to their every need for almost two decades, I’m not quite sure what my role is anymore. I suppose I will figure out my life as they figure out theirs.
Home is where my kids are, for now. For me, it always will be.
With my children so young, it’s hard to imagine them off in the world by themselves, though with Eve I start to get tiny glimpses. It’s reassuring to know them leaving home isn’t necessarily going to be as heartbreaking as I’m expecting!
I know you can barely imagine it now!
Dana, this is beautiful! I’m not at all surprised that you are living the positive version of each new phase in your life. When you say that home is where your kids are and it always will be, I can confirm that to be true. I feel as at home in my house surrounded by pictures of my kids and their presence on FaceTime as I do in their own homes when I go to visit. My heart is full in all of these homes!
That’s so nice to hear, Mo! Thank you for that.
Beautiful writing, Dana. Like poetry.
Makes me wonder with sadness if my only baby won’t want cuddles when he’s a teenager.
Well, I do require at least one hug a day. He obliges, because he knows I’ll keep at it. And secretly I don’t think he minds.
Man! My oldest will leave for college in two years. Right now, I don’t dread it as much as I probably should. I probably will more as it gets closer. Good to know it wasn’t quite as hard as you thought it would be. The other day, my youngest complained that she never gets to ride in the front seat. My response was, “Well, someday you’ll be the only child and then you can ride up front whenever you want.” I didn’t really think about what that might be like, though.
There’s no rule that says you have to dread it, Lisa – hopefully she will be ready, and so will you. That doesn’t mean you love her any less, right? And your youngest will miss her big sisters, even if she won’t admit it!
I love that he will still do the shema with you. That’s SO sweet. And love that you watch friends together. You have a great attitude about these different stages. So much amazing potential and excitement in each stage. (And hard stuff too, of course.)
You’re right, Nina – and I choose to focus on the potential and excitement, instead of the hard stuff.
Reading this made me wonder how my mom felt when I left for college and then my brother did a few years later. There are so many layers to motherhood, as you very poignantly described, Dana!
Thanks, Alison!
Dana, I love this and really needed to read this as my oldest prepares to start college next fall. I’m excited for him, and I see that he is ready to go, and I try to focus on that instead of the fact that I will miss him. Thank you for these words of advice and encouragement as I start a new phase as a mother.
Anytime, Julia! And feel free to email anytime you need to chat or need a sympathetic ear. My oldest will be abroad in the fall, so I’ll be going through some adjustment too!
Dana, When I read this all I can think is what more could you ask for? To have the kind of closeness that the four of you have is pretty rare and special. I don’t know too many teenage boys that spend that kind of quality time with their Moms. As a Mom that probably has too much life outside the home-and struggles for balance every day- I’m completely envious. It says to me your kids like you an awful lot which is much harder to achieve than the love part. This helps me think that maybe we can make it through the sixth grade. Thanks for posting. XO, Wini
Thank you for reading, Wini! I appreciate your kind words – I hope you’re right about my kids liking me. We all want that, don’t we? You will make it through the sixth grade, and all the grades!
Always.
Des fell asleep on me tonight and Cassidy took a most unflattering, but adorable photo. I’m so bad at being in the present that I always think about each day passing and them slipping away from me. You always make me feel better, though. Like I can survive that stage one day.
Also I totally want to have two other kids so I can extend this period longer and I know I’m nuts.
You are nuts, but it’s a good kind of nuts! And yes, you’ll survive that stage one day. You’ll be ready (or almost ready), and they will be ready because you will have raised children who are ready to go out into the world and share their awesomeness.
Having recently done some college tours, I’m preparing myself (praying actually that he can get in an go away!!!!). It’ll be different, I know, but I’m strangely ready. He’s been pulling away, too. Not terribly, but he trying figure things about on his own, and I’m relieved. Does that make since? Plus 13-year old Audrey keeps me hopping!!!!
It makes total sense, Allie. And if you aren’t ready now, spend the summer with a recent high school graduate and you will be more than ready for them to leave!
sniff sniff…. great blog!
Thanks Terry!
Its weird how ‘home’ is not simply those who inhabit a particular place. The physical environment is inextricably linked to those within and when one is no longer there, their absence can be felt. The routines established by members of a family is a part of the ‘touch n feel’ part of a home as are the flesh and blood.
Thought-provoking post.
Glad you enjoyed it, Clark!
If it helps, I should think to a large extent, for them, home will always be wherever you are, too <3
I hope you’re right, Lizzi!
“Home is where my kids are …” So very true, Dana.
I know you can relate, Kelly!
This post reminds me so much of the conversations I had with my mom when I went away to college.
There’s so much to learn about being an adult, isn’t there?
My sister-in-law, who raised 2 awesome sons, say the hardest thing about raising “independent children” is raising Independent Children. I agree! Our goal is for them to become independent self-sufficient adults. But it’s hard to realize they don’t “need” us as much. Ours are 53 and 50, so we have become used to the quiet, just us!
Your sister-in-law is so right! Wise words. I’m sure we will get used to the quiet eventually, but we still have a few more years of noise…I’m going to embrace it.
I was going to ask the same as Kristi about HQ? You’re in a place I’m not ready to face yet even though I’m only a few years behind you with my only child. I whine about practices and stuff like that but I can’t imagine at time when he’s off somewhere and not part of my everyday routine.
HQ is an app and a trivia game – totally addictive and fun. I imagine it will be tough in a different way with an only child…just don’t think about it yet!
Although we’ve talked about it, it gives me relief to read here that having your daughter at college isn’t as lonely as you’d thought it’d be. I already dread that goodbye and I have 10 more years. Still, if the past eight are any indication, it’ll be here before I know it. Also, there are grandbabies to look forward to right? 😉 I mean, not YET, but you know.
PS What is HQ? A game, I assume but what type? That’s so cool you play each night.
HQ is an app, and a trivia game. If you get all 12 questions right, you split the prize money with all the other winners. It is addictive.
It’s funny, with Abby entering the teenage years I see her needing me not less but differently. It’s an odd life we navigate as parents. How just when we think we’ve got this life figured out, the course changes and we evolve.
Yes – not less, but differently. That’s a more accurate way of stating it, Kerri. I started to write about the ways they need me have changed, but decided to save that for another day!
It is indeed an odd phase of life. Sometimes I feel a bit guilty that I enjoy the quiet moments, less mess, less drama, less people in the house, less less less. And yet, I think I can enjoy it b/c I know they are coming home and I will enjoy “more” just as much as the “less.”
I agree with you, Amy – I enjoy the less because I know it’s not permanent. I’m not sure how I’ll feel when less is our new normal, though.
Oh, this brought back a plethora of feelings, as I remembered dropping our first born off to college in another state. I cried as I listened to the bell chimes as we walked across campus with her. We still had her siblings living with us for a few more years, but parting with our first born was the most difficult. Loved them all the same, but it seemed so much harder that first time.
I wonder if my first will be harder than my last…I’m not really looking forward to finding that out.
Aw, I can’t even imagine someday when my kids do leave for college as we still have quite some time for that. Although know our day will come. But again just so not ready for it by any means.
You have many years before you have to be ready, Janine!