I kept a diary during middle school. It was a small notebook covered in maroon floral faux silk, the kind you can pick up at a touristy shop in Chinatown. I could picture it in my head as I dug through all my childhood mementos a few months ago, but it’s gone. I must have tossed it; there are times when my anti-packrat-ness ends up kicking me in the ass.
Oh, what I would give to read that diary now. I haven’t kept another one since then, but if I did, here are ten entries that I might write.
1. Dear Diary, Today I went to Target with three things on my shopping list: shampoo, bananas, and socks. I left with gum, shampoo, tampons, Pringles, a sports bra, socks, a pack of pens, bath towels, batteries, Snapple, and a birthday card. I forgot the damn bananas.
2. Dear Diary, Every day I strive to be a good mother. Today I was crowned the meanest mom ever by the child I labored with for over 14 hours. Is it weird to use hashtags here, Diary? #parentingwin
3. Dear Diary, Today my UPS guy smiled at me and said “Have a great day.” I think he likes me!
4. Dear Diary, Matt left me a love note today. That is, if you count a sticky note on the bathroom mirror that says Please pick up my shirts at the cleaners as a love note. I think it totally counts.
5. Dear Diary, I stuck to my healthy eating diet today. Until dessert.
6. Dear Diary, Tonight I went out with my girlfriends. We ate, laughed, and talked about boys. I was home and in bed by 11:00 pm.
7. Dear Diary, That woman at the gym is SO annoying. She gets on the elliptical right next to mine, even though all the other machines in my row are empty. She also wears workout clothes circa the Let’s Get Physical era.
8. Dear Diary, I am totally in love with the main character in the book I’m reading. He’s smart, sexy, romantic, and a bit of a bad boy. Now I’m annoyed with Matt because he is not that fictional perfect man.
9. Dear Diary, Today I couldn’t find my car keys when I was ready to back out of my parking spot at the grocery store. I dumped everything out of my purse, searched under the seats and on the ground outside of my car. Then I realized that the keys were already in the ignition, and that I am an idiot.
10. Dear Diary, Only nineteen more days until the season premiere of The Walking Dead!! I am sooooo excited. I miss Daryl.
So funny! #5 is so me 🙂
You too, huh? It’s easy to have willpower before the chocolate comes out.
Dear Diary,
Today I read a blog post by my awesome friend Dana and I laughed out loud. I love when that happens. Dana rocks.
xo
Nicki
Love it!!!! I often have a similar experience as #9 with my cellphone thinking I have lost it, full panic attack, searching everywhere, then I realize I am talking to someone on the phone and it has been in my hand throughout the entire episode. #OldLadyFail !
Ha – I’ve done that too!
OOOOOOOO,
I think I could read these entries all morning! FABULOUS. I wish I would have kept one, but
I only wrote dark poetry!! x
You did? Full of teenage angst and drama? Cool.
This is great (and I have my diary form freshman year floating around. I’m tooooo scared to read it). The Target thing happens to me all the time. I hate when they say, “Did you find everything you need?” Ah, yeah… The car key story made my choke on my wine. I’ve done the same thing – with the car running!!! And number 8? Um, guilty. And it begs the question, what are you reading????
Ha – nothing that steamy right now. I was thinking about the Outlander series – Jamie sets some impossible standards!
I was never able to keep a long diary as a kid, always preferring to talk out my deepest secrets with my best friend. I love these entries, though. And whoever wrote the unwritten rule that at least one item on the Target list must be forgotten should be beaten!
I agree, Leslie!
This is fantastic, and I agree with Eli, make this a regular feature. Dare I say, like the “post I’ll never write” idea, I’d like to steal it!
And, I can totally relate to ALL of these, but especially number 1. What is it about Target that induces excessive spending? I’m glad the nearest store is 45 minutes away!
Steal away, Julia! Your nearest Target is 45 minutes away? Part of me feels badly for you, and part of me is envious.
Dear Diary,
Today I think I’m consciously making my stomach growl because I told myself I would eat only when my stomach growled. This appears to be a pretty significant talent. Also I’m wearing a grey shirt, tan khakis and tennis shoes. Apparently, I’ve managed to find the intersection of no acceptable fashions ever and mashed them up to make my own style. (I also didn’t shave.) – Eli
p.s. Dana, you should definitely do this regularly.
You can force a stomach growl? Impressive. I can’t even force a burp. Are your tennis shoes blindingly white? Never mind, I don’t want to know. I prefer to envision you fashionable. p.s. Maybe I will do this again…nothing like sharing my innermost (and idiotic) thoughts with the world. Or the dozen people who read my blog.
Oh the things that make Robert seem less than and DAMNNNNUS Writers for making it better than it is! Loved this though!
A good writer can make our husbands look pathetic, can’t she? That sounds wrong, but you know what I mean.
OH MY GOSH I LOVE THOSE DIARY ENTRIES!!! So hilarious Dana!! *Almost* every single one of them could be one I would write!!
Except I would have forgotten the shampoo the socks AND the bananas… and come home with 14 Christmas gifts that I found on clearance for random family members…
You crack me UP.
You crack ME up – your FB quesadilla post could totally be a diary entry. If I ever manage to flip an omelette well, guess who I’m telling immediately?
Daryl misses you too.. he likes you the way the UPS Man does, but maybe not as much as Matt does.
This should be a regular thing. I love this prompt and how you wrote it.
I appreciate you feeding my delusions, Tamara. You’re a good friend!
I kind of think you should make this diary thing a weekly occurrence. It’s fabulous!! And LOLable. (That’s totally a word.)
D- i’ve done a takeoff on number 9. I am looking for my cell phone to check my calendar not realizing that I’m talking on it! I’m surprised that you would have thrown out your diary. I can’t visualize it or remember it and I’m sure I had seen it at some point. I still have mine which I will get rid of before my demise…
I’m surprised too – I don’t remember throwing it out. There wasn’t really anything bad in it. And I’m sure you did NOT see it at some point – I kept it very well hidden. 😉
HaHaHa!!!!! Love your list! I could probably write a very similar entry about Target. I have been there twice in the last three days. My husband, who is on his 4th day in Pal Springs for work, texted me this morning that he had had too much to drink and not enough sleep last night. I wouldn’t call that a love note, but if I kept a diary, I’m sure I’d have a few other things to say about that! 🙂
Ha – I do love texts from Matt. I feel like some weeks I go to the grocery store every day. Or my kids wait until I go to then decide that they need something.
I love my phone in my purse this weekend. My purse is tiny and yet I still couldn’t find it (or feel it buzzing). I felt like a real idiot!!
*lost LOL
I knew what you meant 🙂 I think our phones actively hide from us…
What a fun — and funny — list!
Thanks, Christie!
Haha, that’s pretty much what my diary would read like, except on a girls’ night out I’d be in bed even earlier. I suppose we can blame it on having very young children who wake up super early 😉
I blame it on teenagers who go have to wake up super early!
These are Hysterical, D! My favorite is number nine although I’ve never done that before – truly – not ever. Well, maybe twice!
It’s ridiculous, isn’t it? Once I had my keys in the other hand, and still searched for them. Ugh.
I totally had a diary growing up and sadly I believe mine is gone, too. And btw, now I want to know which book you are reading!! 🙂
Oh, it wasn’t a current book. The Outlander series always makes Matt seem, well, ordinary. Poor guy.
AHHHHHH!!!! I need to get that magazine!!!! Daryl is my favorite – OMG, I now need my own diary entry.
This post was freakin hilarious and I could have written #1, 2, 4, 6 and 9 myself. Love it!
Allie, the magazine is from last year, but I love that photo of Daryl! So you “lose” your car keys too? I think having children has sucked out my brain. Or maybe it’s the zombies.
Oh darn! That is a great cover shot. And yes, just the other day I was shopping at a few stores, then went to get coffee and realized I didn’t have my keys. I had to go back to three different stores before I finally found them. I NEVER lost my keys (or anything else) until I had kids…or started watching The Walking Dead…hmmmm 🙂