Dear Torrey Smith,
Last week, the surveillance video of your teammate Ray Rice was released on TMZ. This video captured him dragging his unconscious fiancée out of an elevator, allegedly after they exchanged blows. Rice and his fiancée were both arrested for simple assault, and the public doesn’t know much more at this point.
Sadly, for most of the country, this is just another example of an NFL player behaving badly. For Ravens fans, the news about one of our hometown hero’s fall from grace is disappointing and disturbing.
I am the mother of two huge Ravens fans. When I heard the news, I felt sick to my stomach. Here we go again, I thought. Another professional athlete arrested. Another big man falling off his pedestal. Another discussion I have to have with my children about why people make bad decisions and do bad things.
Rice has been one of the most celebrated and respected players in the Ravens’ organization. He has been an outspoken advocate for anti-bullying programs in Baltimore, and his foundation strives to increase awareness of and combat bullying among youth.
Rice’s arrest doesn’t undo the good that he has done, but the irony isn’t lost on me. How can he be against bullying and abuse a woman?
My husband and I had a conversation with our tween and teen about what Rice has done. We took the opportunity to have a candid discussion about dating and domestic violence. I made a comment regarding my exasperation with yet another lapsed role model, and my 12 year old son replied with this:
“Torrey Smith is my favorite player, and he is a great role model for kids.”
I’m sure you hear that all the time. You have legions of Ravens fans donning your jersey, over 250,000 Twitter fans, and over 165,000 Instagram followers. My son and daughter are two of them. You started an off-season blog with a post applauding Michael Sam for being honest about his sexuality in a less than tolerant NFL.
My son knows all of this. When I asked him what he meant by great role model, he said that you “don’t do anything stupid and you do fund raising for cancer and bullying.” That may not be exactly right, but your foundation’s mission “is to better the lives of Baltimore area youth by providing educational support, opportunities and resources.” (Source: torreysmith.org) He also said you’re not too cocky, which is high praise from a seventh grader.
You don’t have to be perfect, Torrey. But I hope you continue to do what you say in your Twitter bio and concentrate on “living life to be defined as something greater than a football player.”
I know that you and your wife are close with Rice and his fiancée. You’ve been quoted as saying that you will support them and not judge.
I respect that. It’s not my job to judge, either. You do what you need to do as Rice’s friend and teammate. The courts will do what they need to do with the criminal charges. The NFL will do what it needs to do in terms of possible sanctions or suspensions. And I will do what I need to do as a mother trying to raise her child to be a good man.
A man like you.
The eventual outcome in Rice’s case is almost irrelevant to me as a parent. The damage has been done in the eyes of the children who adore number 27. My son is still a fan of Rice as a player, but he doesn’t think as highly of him anymore. Time will tell how Rice’s status in the community is affected, as will his actions going forward. Still, the situation saddens and angers me, as it does each time I have to tell my children that another famous person they admire has screwed up.
Please don’t screw up, Torrey. My kid looks up to you and the life you lead. He admires you as a football player and as a man.
Please don’t let him down.
Sincerely,
I think what you wrote was perfect. When you have children who love sports and pay attention to the players (not necessarily idolize but know who’s who), unfortunately conversations like these are inevitable. We watch ESPN and games and documentaries all the time and though my kiddos are 11, 11 and 12 – we have many straight forward conversations with them about all kinds of situations players get themselves into. It helps keep any players from being too “incredible” in the kids minds and it also puts a face on the mistakes people can make and survive with accountability, responsibility and honesty. How Rice handles this situation going forward will speak volumes and be a great lesson in itself. I can’t help but think, if this wasn’t the first/only time he hit her, it was a dark secret and now that it’s exposed he has a great opportunity to move forward and be better.
Well said, Stephanie – I completely agree. I’d like to think it was the only time, but regardless, he does have the opportunity to make amends and be better. I hope that he does.
Wonderfully written…My Kiddies don’t really look to the media, sports, actors, etc as role models. They seem to keep them in the TV…I think I am grateful for this. I understand where you are coming from as a mother and it would be amazing if the people who live their lives in the public remember their decision are no longer isolated to themselves. The consequences have impact.
This post gave me goose bumps. It’s scary sometimes when our children look up to a public figure, their fall from grace can be just as dramatic as their rise to fame was! My daughter used to be a huge Hannah Montana fan, her fall from grace has also been an opportunity for discussion about bad decisions. My daughter is now 15 and outgrew the Hannah Montana and Disney stage years ago, but still it gave us both a pause!
Professional athletes and other celebrities certainly aren’t exempt from making bad choices, but they live under a magnifying glass that puts everything they do–good and bad–on a different level.
Great post Dana!
You’re right, Angela – celebrities are looked at more closely, and I’m sure it’s hard to live that way. They make mistakes too, but those mistakes could be modeled by the kids who adore them. Fortunately there are still good role models out there, even if they are few and far between.
I have dealt with this so often, it’s exhausting. This was a very thoughtful and well-put letter. I love what your son said about role models.
Thanks, AnnMarie! And I love that Torrey Smith tweeted me back.
A powerful message that should be heeded by all sports “heroes”. Of course, all you are really asking Torrey Smith to do is to be a good human being and act in the manner we all should. Too bad that is so tough for some people.
You’re right, Mo – I’m not asking for much. I don’t know why it’s so hard for people in the public eye to behave themselves. I hope fame doesn’t go to his head and he stays the good guy that he is.
I had not heard of this incident. Terrible. I hope it somehow finds its way to him so he can hear how great of an impact he can have – for good or bad. So glad you wrote this.
It did, Amy – Torrey Smith replied to my tweet with “I got you.” I hope that means he got my message and will take it to heart. And my son thinks he’s even more awesome now!
Such a sad situation. I am not a big fan of celebrities as role models in general. It must be hard to be in the public eye all the time. That said, I wonder what on earth was going through his mind. If he’s such an advocate against bullying, why on earth would he think its ok to hit a woman? It makes you wonder how much of the good these celebrities do is just for show?
I do wonder, but I know enough about Ray Rice to truly believe it’s not a show. I think he just screwed up. Majorly. Fortunately my kids have enough positive role models in their lives that they don’t rely on celebrities for that.
As often as we reinforce that sports figures or celebrities are not necessarily heroes, our kids can’t help but look to them in that way. It’s inevitable. It sounds like you’ve done a great job thought since your son knows the things that really matter. (even the lack of cockiness!! 😀 ) Torrey sounds wonderful. I hope he never does let us down. –Lisa
You and me both, Lisa. And the fact that he replied to my Tweet made me like him even more. I know he can’t compare to Arie in your eyes, but for me it was awesome. 🙂
Dana, your posts are always great. But as a (totally unpublished, unpaid) writer, I really, really appreciated this one. Your words were so elegant and at the same time, concise. You made so many great points here in such an interesting and truthful way. I loved reading this. BRAVO!
I really appreciate that, Shay. I rarely write about this kind of stuff, but it was weighing on my mind and I just needed to write it down. I’m glad it has been well received, especially since it was a bit out of my comfort zone.
HOLY SHIT Dana. While our children and our teams are not the same, our views are. I applaud you not only recognizing your kids’ heros, but calling them out on their possible assholishness. You ROCK for that so much.
Thanks, Kristi. And I got major points when Torrey tweeted me back (with my kids). Parenting win all around!
Did you try sending it to the sport guy?
Really well written. Very poignant, and I’m glad you’re having these important chats with your children.
I did tweet him about it. Haven’t heard anything. I’ll let you know if I do!
I have been meaning to tell you all day how much I loved your letter. I wasn’t sure if you really sent it but judging by your comments/responses you did. I am so glad. I sat down with my older kids this am and talked to them about it. It was interesting because my son didn’t have a vibe on RR before…how is that possible? “He’s just a football player Mom”. I was like, “WTF???” He’s one of the few football players you hear about doing wonderful things and now this goes and wipes it all away (at least in my mind).” Nevertheless, it was good to explain to them that good people make terrible decisions all the time.
It is so inexcusable and I was glad to have the discussion with both of them regarding abuse and abusive relationships.
Thanks D.
Dana, I didn’t send it, but I tweeted Torrey with a link to the post. I haven’t heard anything – I don’t know if he will see it. Did you read Abe’s comment before yours? So many layers to all of this, and so hard to explain to our kids. Thank you as always for your feedback and support. xoxo
It makes me so sad that our kids live in a time when this kind of thing is so common!! Everywhere from sports figures to political people this happens and sadly the repercussions aren’t always that big a deal so what kind of message is being sent to our kids?!
I love the message that you sent – that is what we need!
Thanks so much, Kim!
A couple thoughts. First, I can’t help but think that there are some unknowns as of the date of my comments, and I hope that if the truth is revealed about what happened with them turns out to be different, then we’re all guilty of our own stereotypes. Secondly, many believe that making mistakes presents the ultimate challenge for someone who otherwise has done only good (keeping in the same vein, see: Lewis, Ray). I’m not here to make excuses for people who live in the public eye, but as those eyes multiply, scrutinize and create stratospheric standards, there’s a lot more room to fall than there is to rise.
I agree, Abe. There is so much unknown, so I tried to focus on Torrey as a role model instead of condemning Ray. I also am having such a hard time with this because unlike the rest of the country, those of us in Baltimore know all the wonderful things Ray Rice has done for the people of our city. The bigger you are, the harder you fall. I would love for everyone to be wrong about what happened that night; I guess we have to wait and see. Thanks for weighing in; I appreciate it!
Your letter could not be more perfect, Dana, and I hope you let us all know about the response that you get (I do hope you get one). I often mull this issue over. These athletes are roles models in the sense that they *do* influence our kids, but at times, despite their prowess on the field, ethically, they are not fit to be role models at all. Are they also humans who make the occasional bad decision? Absolutely. But As Lisa, said, it should not be OK for them to be above the law because of their position in life.
So true. And I don’t think in this situation Ray Rice will be above the law; he just made a really bad decision. I’m confident he will pay the consequences and hopefully never repeat his behavior again. Ever.
I’m not familiar with football but as a kid growing up my brother was big in basketball and NBA and those players were not the most faithful. My daddy being the Methodist preacher sat my little brother down and said “you can like the ball player but what they are doing in their family life isn’t smart.” My little brother just said “I like the ball player, I don’t respect the gut that comes off the court and does those things.” He was 13 or so when they had that convo, he knew the ball player was awesome but the didn’t make the right decisions off the court. ~A~
Your brother sounds like my son – good heads on their shoulders! I’m sure a lot of that has to do with their daddies. 🙂
This is great Dana! I would like to think that Torrey sees it. Just curious if you sent it his way? I think it’s great that you had the conversation with your children. It sounds like they are pretty mature. You should be proud.
I tweeted it to him, and tagged him on Facebook, but I haven’t heard from him. I may try again tomorrow. And thank you, Debbie – I am proud of my kids.
Well said. I was not familiar with this particular story, but there are far too many just like it. I think that professional athletes and celebrities often view themselves as being above the law – like they get agree pass. In fact, it should be the opposite. They do have so many impressionable kids looking up to them and they can have a huge impact on those young lives. My girl aren’t into sports, but we have had some interesting conversations about Justin Bieber lately. They don’t really like him, but have heard that he was arrested, etc. Tough conversations.
They are tough, and it’s hard to shelter kids from the news with so many outlets to media. Justin Beiber…now there’s a train wreck. I hope he gets himself together.
Wow this is tough. I hadn’t heard about the Rice situation out here on the Canadian west coast. I can’t help but think how important it is for parents to give their kids the solid foundation that is required in life. Had this conversation with my two (18 and19) about Bieber’s recent issues. Here’s a kid who zoomed to fame in weeks. What prepared him for that? Is it possible to be prepared for that? Is he now acting out because of being unprepared and because his entourage aren’t looking out for his best interests? I don’t know. I do think it’s important to have these discussions with our kids though. Good on you for doing that.
That’s tough. I hadn’t heard of this. Glad I now have. And I wonder if he’s attracted to the bullying cause in that weird psychological way because he IS a bully. Sick.
I used to love Jeff Goldblum. I met him in NYC and he couldn’t be more of a…well..it’s a word I had to cut out of my post today because Scarlet said it once to describe how all of the other reindeer treated Rudolph. Like a…dirtbag. But replace the “irt” with “ouche.”
Sometimes I wonder what the effect of so much fame has on a person. Do they even realize people look up to them?
Well said.
You know what, Natalie? I think they do know. They just don’t think about the consequences of their actions, and they certainly aren’t thinking about all the kids who look up to them as they make a really bad decision.
Dana, this is such a great post for everyone to read. We teach our children to be kind and respectful and to follow the “golden rule.” Yet, all it takes is one “role model” to bastardize that lesson. I haven’t yet had to have these tough talks with my own children, and I don’t look forward to it at all. Our society seems to be getting too aloof about these types of behavior, which scares me to think of what it will be like in 10 years when I have teenagers.
It is scary, Mandi – it doesn’t seem like our attitude towards celebrities doing wrong is getting any better. Fortunately there are still good role models out there, even if we have to look a little harder.
Dana, this is your best post ever. Well, today. Cause all your posts are great. But this one is honest and powerful. Hope you don’t mind but I tweeted it to Torrey Smith & the NFL 🙂 in hopes they will hear a mom’s plea that a hero remains a hero and not a felon. I hope when Abby’s hero lets her down I can send her to you & Matt who handled this so wonderfully.
I don’t mind at all – thank you! I tweeted him too, and tagged him on Facebook. I’m kinda stalking him, but I’d love for him to see this because I’m sure many parents feel the same way. And of course you can send Abby to me – I’ll have any empty bed in two years and that will make me sad. Abby could cheer me up 🙂
Dana, this was so serious that you wrote a letter to him in your blog. I think from talking to my husband that this will be a huge reason why he has plans to deal with my son and who he looks up to. With how he has explained it, I feel confident that my son will really want to be like Dad. But like you, who has kids who love sports, I’m sure he will have countless conversations with JR about things like this even before they happen because you are super right about everything you are saying. The weird thing is, I had no idea all of the things Rice was into off the field. Now that I do, you’re right, it is quite ironic. One thing’s for sure. I think many things they do is about persona and looking good to the public. I’m quite sure most of it may not reflect who they really are as people. This could be the reason why we see similar situations like this play out in the personal lives of so many players quite often.
You could be right, Brittnei. I choose to believe that it’s not a persona for Rice; I think he truly believes in the causes he champions. He made a bad decision and did a horrible thing, but I’d like to believe that he can make amends and be a better man. Maybe I’m being naive, and I’m sure there are many celebrities who are less than stellar human beings. Torrey Smith seems to be a genuinely good guy who strives to live a good life. I hope he stays that way.
People do make mistakes, Dana! That’s very true. I hope Rice continues to show the great traits you all believed in and that Torrey Smith continues doing the same especially since you are counting on it for your kids 🙂
Good post, it is almost like we are immune to bad behavior from our idols, whether football , rappers or golfers. Sad 🙂 I wish my child would idolize his math teacher instead of famous mistake makers.
Wouldn’t that be awesome, Chrystal? I don’t want my kids to be immune; that’s the tough part. I don’t want them to be let down, but I want them to realize that it’s not okay to do the things some celebrities do.
I love this, Dana, and I’m so glad you wrote it this way, as a letter to Torrey.
If you ever see an athlete interviewed after they’ve been asked to be part of a Make a Wish project, you’ll see a humble side that supersedes all the lights and hype. It’s where an athlete’s influence becomes most real to him.
Heroes are healthy for kids to have. My girls, when I asked whose jersey they’d like to wear, say, “mine, dad. Duh.” But they do admire their heroes – Mia Hamm, RGIII, D.J. Augustin. Tiger Woods was on the list.
these are also great opportunities for other lessons, like forgiveness and accountability for sure. The best part of this story is that you wrote this letter. And that you had those conversations in your house.
It’s easy to see you’re a hero in all this, too.
Thank you so much, Eli. You know, while I was writing this I found a video of a teenage boy who was being bullied. Ray Rice met with him, talked with him, and I think he really made a difference in this boy’s life. I still believe that Ray is that guy in the video, but I have a hard time reconciling that Ray with the one who hit a woman. But as you say, it is an opportunity to talk to my kids about forgiveness, accountability, and righting the wrongs you’ve done.
And I love that your girls want to wear their own jerseys. Duh, Dad.
It is so hard to be a parent now- with the media, the social media and publicity that surrounds “role models.” I hope he doesn’t let you or your kids down either!
I can’t tell you how many times in my head I say to myself, “Don’t screw up” to someone who is doing very well successfully and in the community. When I think about young performers – they are under a lot of pressure – constantly under the spotlight but that’s a different story. I am very disappointed just as your are with this case of abuse. Unlike a performer such as Chris Brown, you can’t fire them or put them on suspension. Chris Brown gets to keep being out there making new fans and keeping old ones. It’s really sad that people will let this slide (all will be forgotten) if Ray Rice comes back and is a star athlete.
That’s exactly what I said in my head when my son said that Torrey Smith was his favorite and a good role model. “Please don’t mess up, Torrey.” And since I write a lot about what goes on in my head, this post happened.
We’re former Baltimore residents and big Ravens fans as well. The news about Ray Rice shook our family too. I am really struggling because I work with victims of domestic violence, and it pains me to hear people make excuses or try to justify that kind of behavior. When people say things like “We don’t know the whole story,” I get upset because to me, you should never hit your spouse or partner, period. I don’t need to know the circumstances, I don’t care if he was provoked, it is still wrong.
Having said that, I am also a person who believes in forgiveness and compassion for all, even those who have committed terrible wrongs. Like you say, the courts will do what they need to do, as will the NFL, as will parents like you and me. I hope that Ray Rice will examine whatever is going on with him and his fiancé so that they can emerge from this experience as better and stronger people, whether together or not.
I also pray that Torrey maintains his positive reputation, for the sake of all the children who are looking to him as a hero.
You’ve summed up my feelings better than I could have, Katie. There is no excuse, but there can be forgiveness. Thank you for weighing in so eloquently.
Such a touching post, Dana. We recently had to have this conversation with my subs about Beiber. Not that he’s a role model or anything, but kids idolize these stars. I didn’t want them to think it was cool to be arrested and such.
It is so important for us to raise good men. Stand up guys with back bones and good character. The media doesn’t make this job easier that’s for sure.
The media doesn’t make it easier, but for better or worse, it provides plenty of parenting moments to start dialogue with our kids. Fortunately my son’s #1 role model is his father, but not every child has that.
Thank you for writing this, Dana. And for having the conversation with your children. It’s the perfect guide for mamas with budding sports fans and an important conversation for every parent to have with their children.
It really is, Nicole, but it’s just sad that we have to have that conversation. This was one I just couldn’t hide from my kids – it’s OUR team, OUR players. So disappointing. But I pray that Torrey Smith will continue to be the role model my son admires.
AS always, very well said and thought out. My boy was crushed also to a point but then he the sad part was he wasn’t shocked. That is the part that broke my heart. There is a part of him that almost expects it which is an extrmely disheartening thing for a 13 year old to realize.
That is heartbreaking, Sue. That loss of innocence, when they used to believe that everyone was good. Our kids should have faith in their role models, and expect them to do the right thing, not screw up. How sad when there are so many instances that are exactly the opposite.
Ugh, that is such a hard situation. I’m not looking forward to having to have those conversations with my kids about the bad things happening in the world. We had a horrible child abduction/murder take place in my town last week and I was soooo glad my kids were too little to know what was going on. How do you explain stuff like that to an innocent child?
It’s really difficult to do, Sarah. You want them to feel safe, but at some point they will find out about the bad things that happen. It was much easier when my kids were scared of monsters under the bed – now they have real fears.
Perfect, Dana – just perfect! I hope he reads this message. Still sorting out my own feelings on the whole RR thing, so I can imagine how hard it is for kids to figure it out. Great parenting moment to sit down and talk honestly with yours about it.
I hope Torrey reads it too – I wanted it to be more of a positive message for him than a Rice bashing one. I haven’t figured out exactly how I feel either, but I just wish it hadn’t happened.
Dana, you said this perfectly and my kids are still too young to be sports fans yet, but definitely am not looking forward to when they are and stuff like this happens with their so-called sports heroes. Such a shame and not sure why these people have to let fame, money and power corrupt and go tot their heads. Thanks for sharing your letter with your thoughts here today.
Thanks for reading, Janine. I rarely write about current events, but this was one that hit close to home.
So well said, Dana. My oldest is really not sports, too.
Thanks, Nina!
It’s sad, but the reality is that these players have SO much of an influence on our children. As I read this, I couldn’t help but remember back to what is the first major incident that I can recall on this debate of professional athletes and their role as “role model.” The day that Charles Barkley spit on someone (I think a reporter.) Since then, it seems time after time, we see role models fall off their pedestals, and I’ve thought about this long and hard. It must be so difficult to stay above it all when you are living that kind of life. I applaud you for taking the time to remind Torrey about his role and to charge him to keep living up to it!
I’m sure it is difficult, Alexa. I’m sure it must be hard to always be in the public eye. But they are, and they need to know that so many kids look up to them. I think about the kids who don’t have parents who will discuss this with them – what are they learning from their role models?
This is not something I’m looking forward to with my kids. I’ve been let down by some of my heroes in the past and it stings. However, it seems as though you have some pretty smart kids on your hands. It sounds like they realize the difference between a sports hero and a role model. I’m sure they’ve learned that from two very wise parents. Nicely done mama.
Thank you, Allie. I think they do know the difference, but it’s so hard to watch them lose faith in someone they looked up to.