“Let’s drop the dog off and walk some more,” my 18 year plus one day old daughter says as we approach the house. Our senior pup Nellie can still complete the three-quarter mile lap around the block, but she retires to her favorite chair when I go for longer strolls.
I keep my face neutral, but inside my heart is doing flip flops of joy. She wants to walk more because we are having great conversations, and she doesn’t want them to end. I don’t either, especially since in five days she will be at college and I will walk alone.
Our walks have not always been idyllic mother-daughter bonding. Sometimes our chats dissolved into arguments, and we trudged home in angry silence. Sometimes I just couldn’t say anything right, but not saying anything wasn’t right either. Sometimes I wanted to put in earbuds and listen to my audiobook. But anytime she asked to join me, I said yes, knowing that the day would come when she wouldn’t ask.
In the heat of the summer, we often walked Nellie in the evenings. As July blurred into August, our strolls became consistently pleasant. My daughter had lots to chat about, and I finally learned to keep my mouth shut and listen. I chose my words carefully, cautious about giving unsolicited advice or unwanted commentary. When I did speak, she listened. I felt like I was talking to an adult.
My friends with older kids told me that by the time she left for college, I would be ready for her to go. There were certainly moments, even days, when I needed some distance between us. I don’t miss the arguments or the teen attitude, but I do miss the walks and talks with this thoughtful, complex and intuitive young adult.
This young adult left for college, and I’m back to walking alone, once again immersed in my audiobook. The mother-daughter conversations continue, primarily in the form of snapchats and texts. It’s not the same, but I grin like a fool each time my phone tells me I have a new message. I rarely initiate the conversation because I want to give her space to settle into college life, but I eagerly send back a snapchat of Nellie as we circle the neighborhood. She takes screenshots of these photos, collecting digital pieces of home.
Our Snapchat streak is up to fifty-three days. That means we have sent each other selfies or short videos every day she’s been away, but it’s no replacement for a good talk. For those, we still walk together. She calls after her last class as she walks back to her dorm, and I either walk Nellie or walk around the house picking up the mess that now just one kid makes. I can tell when she’s arrived at her dorm, because her chatter is punctuated by “heys” as she greets new friends.
Six weeks after we hugged goodbye in front of her dorm, my daughter comes home for the weekend. I look forward to uninterrupted chat time during the car ride, since the three days are filled with Homecoming activities and visits with friends. After only twenty minutes of talking while I drive, she becomes quiet, and for the rest of the trip we listen to the Hamilton soundtrack in comfortable silence.
Did we lose the mojo we had only recently found? Did we forget how to communicate in person? I worry about this as we walk in the house, and Nellie greets her older sister with a wet tongue and wagging tail.
“Let’s walk her,” my daughter suggests.
So we do.
This piece originally appeared on JMore Living. Since I wrote it, Gwen has returned home for the summer. We have lost Nellie and found Hazel, but we still take almost daily walks with our pup. The mojo has survived freshman year, and so has my girl.
Yes! This is so special and completely true. The irony is that I did not get along with my mother when I was growing up, and especially not as I became a young adult. That said, I have a special kinship with my mom that is like no other. I think most mother-daughter relationships are extremely strong and supportive. As much as I wanted a son, I’m not even sure whether I will have that same relationship as boys marry and tend to go wherever the wife goes.
I think about that sometimes too, Catherine – how my relationship with my adult children will be, with one of each gender. I do think much depends on my son’s choice of a partner, but that’s not in my control!
Remember when they were young, and our kids said the damndest things? Well, they do now, too. Back then, it was usually about pee pee or snot. Now, it’s from things they think about. Things they love and hate. Things they want to tell us about. It feels like a reward, of sorts, for those hours of Franklin and Kids Bop and endless macaroni and cheese. Our kids are people all of a sudden. And I love it.
Oh, I love it too! They are awesome, amazing people.
What a sweet piece, Dana!! Just loved reading it and the relationship you have with your girl!!
Thank you Roshni!
This was so wonderful to read, Dana. I love hearing about your family time and following along with your stage that is ahead of where I am with my kids.
Thanks, Nina – I often feel that teenagers get a bad rap, so I’m happy to share the positive experiences that I’ve had.
Your posts give me hope that I will have a similar relationship with Zoe when she’s older. I did not have that relationship with my own mother. Enjoy the summer!
Thank you Liz – you too!
This was really a delight, Dana. It reminded me of driving home from work daily and talking to my mom from DC to Laurel. Sigh. Although I was all grown up when those talks occurred, I know realize how very precious they were now that she’s gone. Treasure them tightly!
Oh, I’m sure you miss those talks, Alison – I’m sorry you can’t have them anymore. I will treasure them, thank you!
Life with a young adult child is so rewarding. Enjoy your summer together.
Thanks Debbie!
Oh, Dana, I love these stories that you share! Sam likes to remind me when I feel like I need a break from Eve and her nonstop chatter that before I know it she won’t want to talk to me and I’ll miss it. I hope as she gets older she enjoys chatting with me still <3
I bet she will, although those tween and early teen years may be quieter. I remember those nonstop chatter years – I get tired just thinking about them!
This piece is so bittersweet and so many of your words, as always, speak straight to my heart. My favorite line:
“Sometimes I just couldn’t say anything right, but not saying anything wasn’t right either.”
My son will be a senior this year, and I know my time with him is precious. My daughter is 15, and every conversation with her feels loaded and crucial. I will keep your words of wisdom in mind – to listen more and try to find comfortable ways to connect. Thank you!
Listening more and talking less is still something I have to work on, but I’m making progress. I’m so glad the words speak to you, Julia. At least I know I’m saying something right to somebody!
Aw!! Seriously, AWWWWWW. I’m glad she’s home for the summer and that you still go on walks. I miss going on walks with my dad (he’s in another state) but love going on ones with my son. He’s not very chatty about his day but at some point, I know our walks is when I’m going to learn what’s really going on. Welcome home, G-A!
Ha – thank you Kristi:) It’s good to have her home.
Beautiful! I love going on walks with my mom. We can catch up and get our exercise in at the same time 🙂
I know, right? I love it too.
Aw… Nellie and Hazel..
And this post! I can’t imagine you’d ever lose your mojo. I imagine it morphs. I love to think about Scarlet as an adult, and I fear it too.
Man, Dana. You did it. This year!!
xoxo
Morphing mojo – I think you are right.
And yes, I did it. Whew! Thank you for appreciating how momentous that is for her, and for me. <3
Congratulations on surviving the freshman year, Dana. And yes, I, too, grin like a fool when I get a text message from my two. How our ancestors ever survived with a letter every six weeks or so, I’ll never know.
I hope you are able to have many, many dog walks together this summer.
Thank you Kelly! I hope so too.
Beautiful! I love the flashback. i can’t remember if my mom and I missed a beat or not. But then there were weekly phone calls and letters. You’ll have to tell me what the latest and greatest is in audible. I have a credit to burn. The last one I listened to was A Dog’s Purpose. Loved it!
Okay…The First Fifteen Lives of Harry August was good, as was America’s First Daughter (about Thomas Jefferson’s daughter). And Trevor Noah’s Born a Crime was a great listen.
Aw, you give me hope for when my own girls are older that they will hopefully have this kind of relationship with me. I know from my own dealings when I was younger, I was similar with my own my mom and now I am even closer to her, especially being able to talk to her when I need about whatever might be on my own mind on any given day. So, from that too I do have hope, as well.
I have that kind of relationship with my mother too, and I hope Gwen and I continue to stay close!
You know I love these pieces and I really love the relationship you have with your kids, your daughter especially. Even though it makes me sad knowing my mom never saw me go to college, we had a special relationship and I could talk to her (and wanted to) about anything.
I listen to my audiobooks while I walk Star and it’s like a mini vacation!!
It is, isn’t it? I’m glad you like my sappy pieces about mothering 🙂