Yesterday, my daughter was preparing me dinner in her pretend kitchen, asking me if I wanted any “lemon-lade” with my plastic banana and steak. Today she is more than halfway through her sophomore year in high school.
My head is reeling from the whiplash of time, and the vertigo I feel is only going to intensify in the next few years.
It’s emotional enough to watch your baby grown into a young woman. Throw in the stress of getting good grades in high school and getting into a good college, and it’s enough to throw an easily stressed mom like me into panic mode.
Breathe.
Perspective is a funny thing.
When Gwen began sixth grade, I worried about her getting good grades because now she was in middle school. Now it was important, and it counted.
Last year her brother began sixth grade. I expected James to try his best and get good grades, but I didn’t worry about it like I did with Gwen.
Yes, it’s important for him to do well in school, and learn and grow and prosper. But those middle school grades don’t follow him.
High School Stress
High school. That’s where those grades count. They go on transcripts that go to colleges that accept or deny and determine the future of my babies forever and ever…
Breathe.
Clearly I am not handling the pressure well. In fact, Gwen handles it better than I do. She is fully aware of the importance of her performance in high school, and she is fully aware that she needs good grades and test scores to get into college. Yet to my knowledge, she doesn’t create “what if” scenarios in her head, and I’m fairly certain she doesn’t envision herself coming home to live with Mom and Dad for the majority of her twenties.
I’ve got those worst scenarios covered in my own head, thanks.
Excellent and top ranked = extremely competitive.
Our county has an excellent public school system, and Gwen’s high school is ranked in the top two percent of American public schools by U.S. News and World Reports.
Gwen could have a weighted GPA over 4.0 and still not rank in the top quarter of her class. Honors and Advanced Placement classes are commonplace, and talk of college begins early in freshman year if not before.
I try not to fret over every grade she brings home. I try not to put undue pressure on her to do well; she is already doing hours of homework a night. But I worry about how she’ll measure up compared to the rest of her class, or to the other applicants when it comes time to apply to college.
As I often do when I am ruminating over something out of my control, I’m working on changing my reaction to the situation. I can’t change the competitive environment. I can’t take Gwen’s classes for her, although I can give her study tips and other tools she needs to be a successful student on her own.
I can monitor her homework progress and limit her electronic distractions. I can read her papers when she asks and give her feedback and constructive criticism. I can let her sleep as late as she wants on the rare Saturday that we have nothing planned.
I can remind her that she is smart, but she is also so much more than her GPA. I can remind her that although it seems like the focus right now, she’ll barely remember it in ten years. I can remind her that if she does her best, she will be fine.
Because she will. Regardless of what the panicked voice in my head is whispering, she will be fine. Right?
Breathe.
Your kiddos will absolutely be fine. One of the best ways to ensure success in your students is to have involved parents.
That’s true – thank you for the encouraging words. 🙂
i purposely plan on being a tiger mom and no one worries more about grades and college than asian immigrant moms. no doubt children will be fine. of course everyone will always be fine, but it’s all about work ethic and perseverance. if there isn’t someone (whether it’s a parent or teacher) breathing down your back and pushing you beyond what your perceived academic limit is, then how are you to know how much you can accomplish as a student. so i say, yes it is ok to panic and push and prod! the more the better.
You are right about pushing beyond your perceived limit, especially when I think my kids are shortchanging themselves. But sometimes I need to back off and let them find their own way. I can do this for little things, so they learn how to take control of their own lives.
Oh my gosh, wow- the pressures of academic competitiveness is something that I think about from a purely theoretical point of view. When you’re still wiping people’s behinds, it’s hard to imagine what it will actually FEEL like when you get there. I know I will need frequent reminders to breathe, thanks to my particular personality type. Can I ask you to hold my hand through this in about 7 years? 😉
Absolutely, Stephanie! I know it’s hard to imagine now. Sometimes I look around and wonder how I got here – how do I have a teenager? How are we getting mail from colleges every day? Ugh. I think we have similar personalities, so if I survive, you will too.
Even if you might make her crazy, I’m sure that she appreciates a parent who cares and is this involved in how she does in school. In thinking about the teachers I talk to in different situations where parents aren’t as involved and the schools aren’t ranked as high, it just pains me that kids have to go through life in such unfavorable circumstances. Wow I remember the pressure in school. Looks like it has gotten to be even more interesting in the last 10 years.
It really has, Brittnei, and we are in a super competitive area. But I am grateful that my kids get excellent educations.
I have to remember to breathe too. My son is in sixth grade and I worry a lot. I need to chill.
I wish my parents wouldn’t have stressed me out about grades. If I didn’t get an A, they wanted to know why. Some classes just did not compute. Like math. I was awful in math.
It’s hard to find a balance between stressing my kids out and letting them know they are accountable for their grades. If they are making 100% effort, then fine. But if they are being lazy then that’s not okay. It’s difficult to tell sometimes though.
“I can remind her that she is smart but that she is so much more than her GPA.” I think that is the best thing you can do, Dana.
I think you are right, Mandi. I just need to keep telling myself over and over again.
If she’s already studying for hours at night, it sounds like she has a good head on her shoulders. I understand perfectly well the panic mode and I’m not even at the point of “where it counts”. But you’ve established good habits with your kids and that’s what counts and they will be just fine. 😉
I know you’re right, Kenya. Thank you for that calm and level headed response. I needed that!
You’re right–just breathe. It will all be fine! And yes, I have to remind myself of this about 3.5 million times per day, too! 🙂
Only 3.5 million? That’s a pretty good day for me!
I’m absolutely sure that both your kids will do fine..they sound so mature and level headed! On the other hand, I’m hyperventilating a bit for my kids now!! 😀
I’m sorry, Roshni – it wasn’t my intention to spread my crazy around! You stay calm for now; you have plenty of time to hyperventilate later 🙂
I need to bookmark this and read it in 10 years 🙂
Hopefully I’ll be resting a bit easier in ten years!
She really will be fine although I completely understand your stress. I was talking to somebody at work the other day about how at our age, where we went to college and how well we did there doesn’t matter at all any longer. So there’s that side of it too. She’ll be fine. Breathe. You’re an amazing mom and she’s an amazing kid – and she will be even if she has to start at community college and transfer (do not panic, I’m just saying it would still be okay if that happened). xo
I know it would be okay. In fact, I think community college is a great choice for so many kids. Unfortunately there is a stigma attached to it, especially in our uber competitive area. I also feel like she would really benefit from living away from home on a college campus. But yes, it would be okay.
The parenting gig is so tough, right??!! I know exactly what you mean and my oldest is still only in the 4th grade…something tells me that your sweet girl will achieve academically and in life with you as her mom…no need to worry about her bagging groceries just yet! ;)-Ashley
You’re right, Ashley- no need to worry yet. I’ll wait until after college!
I think that when we give birth we not only get a child but a worry gene. I was always a worrier, but after having a child that trait morphed into something more. You are an awesome mom and give Gwen the foundation to know that while your hope is she will not be living with you in her 20’s she is always welcome. Breathe my friend, you are doing a great job.
Sshh – don’t tell her she is always welcome. Sometimes you need to go out there without a net. She has one, of course, but I don’t think she should know it.
My oldest is going to a magnet school fro academically gifted kids this year. The pressure is definitely on! I wonder sometimes if it is too much pressure, but, then again, I want her to be on the top, don’t I?? I can only imagine what high school will be like. In the end, though, I’m sure she will be fine and your daughter will too! She’s got a great mom supporting her all the way!
Thanks, Lisa. I know she’ll be okay, but writing this was cathartic for me. It was like free therapy 🙂
Time zips along so very quickly indeed. I’m living it with my two now away at university. Breathe. Just breathe. It will unfold as it should as they have you as their mom. Try and enjoy the now. It’ll be over in the flashest of flashes!
I know it will. And you are right – I need to enjoy the now. How’d you get so wise, Kelly? 😉
I can’t believe you spent all that time writing when you should’ve been on collegeboard.com. 🙂 xoxo
Avoidance, Ellen. I’m all about avoidance.
Sounds like your girl is bright. She had you to guide her as she grew. Now you get to reap the benefits of your hard work. It always works out in the end!
I know it does, Susie – but it’s hard to see the end when you’re smack dab in the middle! I appreciate your encouragement – every little bit helps.
Gwen is going to be more than fine. And so are you! But I’m bookmarking this post so I can come back and remember to breathe when I start freaking out about my girls!
I will remind you to breathe – by then I’ll hopefully be in the free and clear. Fingers crossed.
I’m right there with you on this one, Dana!! I’m the same – I try not to put extra stress and pressure but I want the grades to stay high!!
I keep telling myself that being well-rounded counts for something, too so we encourage participation in a few things. These high school years are going WAY too fast!!!
Hang in there!!
Thanks, Kim – you too!
Oh shit. Now I need to breathe. I’m so stressed about high school already and my sons are in elementary! I’m so serious though. I’m aware of the pressure, shit-ton of homework, and competitive environment, and I worry about my boys being able to handle it. Actually, I worry about them just not caring and even possibly hating school for all that it is. *winces* I worry I worry I worry.
BUT, reading your commenters really helps. What Lizzi said is so true.
It is true, and I will go back and read these comments when I can’t breathe. And I haven’t even talked about my son – who is much less enthusiastic about school than his sister. But at least I’ll have some experience under my belt by then.
oh yeah. My eldest (9y0) claims to H-A-T-E school already. Scares the bejesus outa me.
Let me know if you need paper-bagging, BW mine x
*raises eyebrow* hmmmmm
[Disclaimer – new verb and all associated imagery COMPLETELY Dana’s responsibility…]
Alright, girls. My kids read this blog. Take it to Twitter if you must.;)
*eyes wide and innocent* I simply can’t imagine what you mean by that comment, my dear!
I’m glad your children read your blog. That way they get to see your innermost thoughts and just how much and how deeply you love them. That’s really awesome.
I promise not to sully it (or silly it)
Yes, she’ll be great.
What Michelle said! I talked to one of my best friends today. He’s two years old than me but he and his girlfriend had a baby in high school. So his little baby is now 17! And he’s newly married and will have more children, I’m sure. Anyway, the perspective will be interesting. He was telling me about how hard it is for kids to be kids anymore, because the job market is so bad and everything has gotten more competitive.
I nearly needed to breathe into a paper bag! Kindergarten..doesn’t scare anymore.
However, our kids will be fine. They are being raised by US, right? All that good love and stuff matters so much.
Yes, it does. You’re right. Now you know why your post made me weepy yesterday. Sometimes I want to go back to the first days of kindergarten, when all you had to do to be successful was play nicely with others and learn your ABCs.
Oh Dana. She’s going to be SO fine.
She has good grades, a strong work ethic and a great education, along with all the opportunities it affords.
Most importantly, she has YOU in her corner. Always. Setting her examples and boundaries and offering advice and input and CARING. Always.
So breathe. And carry on.
Because if, in the end, she decides not to go the academic route. Or she drops out. Or she has a sudden onset of stupidity and flunks everything, and ends up packing paper bags of groceries at the end of the tills in Walmart to make a living, as long as she is secure in your love, it won’t matter so much.
The relationship you have with her is SO much more important than any grades. Ever. And it sounds as though you’re getting top marks.
So breathe that.
Yes, ma’am! Leave it to you to put it in perspective for me, Lizzi. You’re opening yourself up, now. You know how they say to breathe in a paper bag if you’re having trouble catching your breath? You’re going to be my paper bag.
I hope it helped. I know it’s only 5 cents from someone with no credentials, but I so, SO hope it helped, and that it gives you something tangible and strong to hang onto when all the anxieties about this feel like they’re going to sweep you away.
Aside from the bizarre imagery this gives me, I shall happily be your paper bag, if I can do it without giggling too much, my dear 😀
I’m the kind of parent you are. I stress out a lot. Over anything. I’m trying to decondition myself now, because I realize it’s only going to get worse, but I can so relate to what you describe here. It’s true that the American culture is very competitive and even if you’re not a competitive kind of person, you’re forced to participate in the game in order to not put your kids at a disadvantage. I remember Stephanie Sprenger, Debra Cole, Jessica Smock and Sarah Ruddell Beach collaborated on a Brilliant Book Club post about a book that was all about parental competitiveness in the college application context. It seemed like the focus of the book was more along the lines of describing and analyzing a phenomenon rather than offering advice, but it might be worth asking them.
Thanks, Katia – maybe I will. Sometimes I want to crawl in a hole so I don’t have to hear about what other kids and parents are doing; I don’t like feeling like we have to keep up with everyone else. Fortunately Gwen is not as easily stressed as I am, and neither is my husband.
She’s a bright girl and will be more than ok, Dana!
I know she will, Michelle – I just hope I will be! 🙂
She is definitely so much more than her GPA- and class rankings only matter so much. Seems like she has a lot of outside activities and is well rounded.
She is, and I don’t want her to give up things she enjoys doing to sit and do homework all weekend. It’s a balancing act.
So interesting. I feel like a wrote a very similar post, yet it is very different. We’re looking and kindergarten and getting the best combo of support and mainstreaming, but it’s all the same worries. Breathe. 🙂
Going to read it now, Sarah. You’re right – it’s the same worries, because they are our babies no matter how old they are.
Reading this made me really glad that my sons are 26 and 24! I remember those stressful days of waiting to hear if they had gotten into the colleges of their choice… Hang in there, mom; it sounds like you are giving your children the support they need during these important years. Like your previous commentors have said, after their first or second jobs, no one will ask about their grades.
I’ll take your word for it Debbie. I’m hanging in there – what else can I do, right?
I bet this was one of “those posts” that resonates with the Writer’s Breath, eh? I feel your overwhelming burden for your precious girl- and reading all of this makes me cringe at my future stress-load with my kids in High School!!!
Bless your mama heart, Dana!!! Your baby sounds like she is amazingly responsible and I am absolutely confident that she has an incredible future ahead of her…
Oh yes my friend. She WILL be fine.
Thank you for the vote of confidence, Chris. Yes – this was one of those posts!
I needed this post today. I’m going through all the same thoughts and worries! Breathe. They WILL be fine! We just live in an uber competitive area Dana. When I look at our children I know they are going to be great people—they already are—-and that’s worth more than anything! Breathe.
I know you understand, Emily. Your comment made me tear up a little – thank you. I know our children are great people, and I know they will be fine, but it helps to hear that from someone else. I’m breathing!
With all the external pressure, it’s no wonder you feel a little stressed! You just want the best for your child, and you’re surrounded by talk of college and jobs and economic woes, etc. But as others have stated, your daughter is obviously in good shape. In the end, the fact that she’s dedicated and works hard will be way more advantageous to her than anything on her report card.
I know you are right, Katie. In my head, I know this. It’s my heart that has these moments of panic, but I’m working on it.
I know it is crazy how much pressure is put on these kids for good grades and such nowadays. I think it sounds like you are a wonderful mother (but I already knew this) and your kids are doing just fine. So, definitely breathe and relax a bit (I know totally easier said then done).
It is easier said than done, but I appreciate the support, Janine. And I can use all the reminders to breathe that I can get!
RIGHT! Honestly, none of it really matters that much when you think about the REAL world. No one cares where you went to college past your first or maybe your second job. It sounds like she has the skills to go the distance outside of school which is what really matters.
– says the mom who just registered her boys for kindergarten and cried 🙁
Aww, I’m sure that was not easy. Just wait until the first day of school – plan a tough workout to take your mind off of it! And you’re right – if she has the skills, she will hopefully do just fine in the real world.
I work in a high school and the pressure is on, but then you get to college and it’s a whole different pressure. Michelle is right, out in the real world working everyday, high school grades don’t mean a thing.
That being said, I’ll probably do the same thing with Dino though the years, you just want the best for your kid.
I have to do a better job of reading blogs, I am so behind.
Sometimes I think college may be a little easier than high school – it is ridiculous the amount of work these kids have. I try to keep it all in perspective!
She will absolutely be fine. Grades are important and I think more crucial now than back when we were growing up because there is a limited amount of jobs these days. However, once you get past that first real job, no one cares what kind of grades you got in school. Kids that have a strong work ethic are going to be just fine. (I worry too)
I know you are right, Michelle. It’s just hard not to worry! Thanks for talking me down a little, though.