When I told you a few weeks ago that I was writing a birthday post for your brother, I saw the look on your face and knew exactly what you were thinking. You always feel that I favor him, that I give him a pass when I am hard on you, that I love him more. Oh sweetie, that could not be farther from the truth. I get angry at you when you complain about what you perceive as inequality, but underneath that anger my heart tightens. How could I love anyone – your brother and father included – more than I love you? I love them as much as I love you, to be sure, but never, EVER, more.
The moment you were born, my heart burst into a million pieces of joy, only to reassemble into something bigger, fuller, more complete. You are my one and only daughter. While you don’t resemble me much physically, in so many other ways we are startlingly alike. I’m sure that’s why we butt heads.
I know you feel like I ride you too much. I know you think I am easier on your brother. And maybe I do, maybe I am. You are a tough nut to crack, my darling daughter. When you were little, there was no punishment or consequence that seemed to affect you. Now that you are a teenager, you can’t stand me one minute and are hugging me the next.
Over the years, I have repeatedly spoken with your grandmother, your aunt, and my friends about parenting issues. I know you hate when I talk about you to other people, but being a mother is a job best performed with a support system. When you and I were having a tough time, I said that those character traits that cause me such stress as a mother will serve you well as you grow up. “If only you would use those powers for good,” I’ve said, only half joking.
Those very traits that make me hard on you, that make you feel like I ride you too much? They WILL serve you well, and they are traits that you should take pride in.
We clash because you are very strong willed. May I dare say stubborn?
But I admire you for standing up for what you believe in. You do not bow to peer pressure, and I hope that as you are presented with temptations to succumb to that pressure in the years to come, you will evoke that strong will and stay true to yourself.
We clash because you can have a fresh mouth.
But I admire your wit. So much fabulous wit. I am (probably overly) proud of your quick sense of humor.
We clash because you have a quick temper.
But I admire the fact that you are quick to forgive and forget. Like me, you anger quickly but you let go of the anger easily. You never go to bed angry and you mend fences with those you care about. You even chastise me when we hug and I let go first.
We clash because you argue with me over every perceived injustice and you have always tested your limits.
But I admire your intelligence. You are smart, and you don’t apologize for it. Often teenage girls downplay their intelligence because they think it makes them cooler. You don’t do that, and if you ever do I will make sure you hear about it.
We clash because you usually think you are right and I am wrong.
But I admire your confidence. I know that being a teenage girl is not easy, and I know that you do not always feel confident. But you generally believe in your abilities and talents, and you know what you do well without being boastful.
Being your mother is my greatest challenge and my greatest accomplishment. You are my first born, and there is an enormous place in my heart that became yours fifteen years ago today. It will always be yours, and you will always be my baby girl.
Happy birthday, sweetie. I promise that from now on, when you hug me, I will never let go first.
I’ve had this post up for days. I’d read part and then have to stop. Then re-read, then have to stop. My daughter is only 11 but trying to understand and manage all of the emotion tied up in our relationship – it’s hard. You said this so well and I finally managed to make it through without crying (I’ve just got a little dust in my eye!!) I love that Gwen was the first to comment, too.
I’m so glad this post was meaningful to you, Stephanie. I’m sorry it made you cry – I lost it when I read it at Listen to Your Mother. I tried so hard not to, but I just couldn’t help it.
I remember reading this on my phone the day we arrived in North Carolina thinking I could have written this for Fiona. Such a real. raw, gorgeous, loving piece filled with so many universal truths. It’s been submitted for a VOTY- yes????
Yes it was 🙂 I had a few mothers of daughters tell me how much they could relate to that piece after the show – made my night!
This is beautiful, Dana! It must have been a joy to read at “Listen to Your Mother Baltimore.” Your daughter is a lucky young lady!
We didn’t know one another when I wrote this, right? I don’t think so. It was a joy to read – I knew immediately that it’s what I wanted to audition with.
Just reread it and I’m so glad you added the photos! They are so heartwarming. The last couple of days were a “parenting low” for me so to speak. Nothing dramatic just being blinded by the hopelessness of sleep deprivation and overreacting to things. Reading this warms my heart and reminds me that there’s lots of goodness ahead. She is so precious and you look adorable together. 🙂
I’m sorry you’ve had a rough couple of days, Katia. Parenting is definitely a roller coaster, isn’t it? Fortunately as time passes, I tend to remember the “ups” more than the “downs.”
Your daughter is beautiful, Dana. I’m glad you shared this post as one of your favorites. It’s wonderful!!
Jennifer, thank you so much! I loved the one I wrote for my son too – it was hard to choose between the two.
That is beautiful. I love this so much. It makes me both look forward to and dread my boys becoming teenagers.
Thanks, Rhonda. Yes, the teenage years are something to both look forward to and dread. 🙂
Oh my, that is perfect. That speaks for me and my daughter as well. Well said!
Thank you, Piper!
This was so beautifully said. I was so hard on my mom growing up. For numerous reasons you have above. How your perspective changes when you are older and have your own daughter. I already know that we will butt heads and she’s only 11 months old. She’s feisty just like me. You sound like you are handling your daughter with love and compassion. They will appreciate us some day right!
Goodness, I hope so Kate! So you have a feisty one too, huh? Good luck 🙂
Happy birthday to your beautiful, stubborn, amazing daughter, Dana. Your ending gave me tears and a sigh and an “aw.” What a beautiful post and those photos are incredible.
Thank you, Kristi. A mother’s love is boundless, isn’t it?
That post was so perfect! I am going to have to go back and re-read it, because it sounds exactly like my daughter and I!! Your daughter sounds so strong and confident — what more can we hope for in our daughters?!!
So true, Michelle. That’s what has helped me get through the challenges of parenting her – knowing that her strength and confidence will serve her well in the big bad world.
So beautiful! I think mothers and daughters have the toughest relationship!
I agree with you – it’s easier with my son. That does not mean that I love him more, but it’s just easier.
Beautiful. You made me cry. Happy birthday to your girl. Many many happy returns.
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Thanks so much!
Dana, this is such a beautiful tribute to the birthday girl! Your daughter sounds like a strong and confident gal. The fact that you celebrate and appreciate her independent streak shows what a great mom you are. Happy birthday to your sweet and sassy girl!
Sweet and sassy is a great way of describing her, Mo. Thank you for your kind words about both of us – I will give her your birthday wishes!
Happy birthday to your beautiful daughter! I just loved what you wrote. You have me in tears over here!! Your love just shines right out of those words. Love your pictures together. 🙂
I’m so glad my feelings came through in my writing – that’s a wonderful compliment and I appreciate it!
This post is so sweet, and the pictures that go with it are perfection! Beautiful, both of you!
Thanks so much Shay!
What an absolutely beautiful letter to your daughter! Lucky, lucky girl. I totally related to your first paragraph. I feel that there is a constant “competition” in my house – between my two biological sons who are only 18 months apart (do you love him more than me?), and then the struggle with my step kids (do you love us even though you aren’t our Mom)— I wish our kids understood our hearts -and they will understand one day when they are parents. But, for now, I think your letter clearly showed how love is individual, love is forever, and love between a parent and child is sacred.
It’s good to know that my kids aren’t the only ones who “compete.” And you are right; they will understand when they are parents. Thanks for reading, Leah!
Dana. I’m in tears. That was so beautiful. I don’t think I can say anything else- you said it all so perfectly.
Thank you so much, Stephanie!
This is a lovely letter Dana. My heart was smiling through all of it, but especially the part about loving your daughter’s quick wit—my son and I were saying the same thing about both of you after you guys left last week! Happy, happy birthday to your beautiful girl!
(The pictures are amazing too!)
So glad I could make your heart smile. And thank you for the compliment (for both of us). I’m so glad we’ve been able to watch one another’s children grow into amazing young people!
Dana, you are a wonderful mother. Your daughter is lucky to have you! And the pictures are absolutely gorgeous!
Thanks, Catherine – we took lots of shots before we could agree on ones we both approved!
Very touching letter and you expressed it beautifully. What a great way to celebrate your daughter.
I appreciate that – I hope she felt celebrated today!
I am totally sending this to my mom… she will appreciate it given I am her oldest, stubborn child. 🙂
Ah – saw some similarities between you and my daughter, huh? I can appreciate stubborness; it’s just difficult when it’s your kid!
Beautifully written! I am crying (and smiling at the gorgeous photos!); happy 15th to your girl!
Thank you Erica!
This is such a special letter. And the pictures at the end are great, too.
Happy birthday to your daughter!
Thank you Tracie – I hope she liked it because I don’t think I have it in me to do this every year 🙂
Laughing with tears in my eyes. A beautiful tribute to a wonderful young lady. Happy Birthday!
Thank you Patti – I will pass on the wishes to the birthday girl!
Oh heaven’s that was sweet, I’ll never let go first although I have to tell my youngest sometimes that her kisses last a little too long. lol
Ha – I remember those days of bordering on inappropriate kisses!
Nice photos!! I think I’m going to cry. This reminds me of my relationship with my daughter, and she’s only four! I do think she sees sometimes that I’m softer with her brother and less patient with her. Yes, he’s a baby but my heart is big enough for both of them, always.
Of course it is. But try telling that to a four year old. Or a fifteen year old. I can only hope that deep down she knows that it’s true. And the photos are the best I could do with an iPhone and a disgruntled husband while waiting for a table at PF Changs!
Waaaaaah!!! So beautiful. The pictures pushed me over the edge. Happy Birthday to your baby girl. My teens years with my daddy were so hard. SO hard. I couldn’t have imagined at 16 that we would ever be friends. But we are and for all his words of wisdom – I go through life and make the best decisions by thinking, “What would daddy do, say, think…?”
Aww, that’s so sweet, Kenya. I would be so happy if my daughter thought that way when she grows up. I hope you’ve told your dad that – I can’t think of a better reward for a parent to get!
A very Happy Birthday to Gwen! I can relate to this situation which I went through with my kids also, many many years ago and still see some traces after 40 years and ongoing. Dana as you must know there is always these kind of feelings between siblings. Daughters are especially strong willed with there mothers. But I can tell you that after they have a child of there own, especially a daughter , they come around. Keep up the good work!
Thanks, Daisy! Hope you don’t mind I changed her name to “Gwen” – that’s her alias on my blog! And she is definitely strong willed; just like her mother 🙂
Oh Dana!! My oldest daughter is only 11, but my relationship with her sounds so much like your relationship with your daughter. She is so much like me and, therefore, we butt heads rather frequently. Happy Birthday to your daughter – she is beautiful and I love those pictures!
Thanks so much, Lisa. It must be karma to have a kid so similar to you in temperament, don’t you think?
What a beautiful birthday post to your daughter!!
And, I love the idea of never letting go first when you hug!!!
Me too – that girl of mine can be so wise sometimes 🙂
Beautiful! love you both
Happy Birthday – xo
Thanks Lisa – love you too!
Oh Dana this was absolutely hands down one of the most beautiful and loving letters I have read. I could tell with each syllable how much you adore and love your daughter even though all the rougher moments, too. Thank you for sharing with us and Happy Birthday to your daughter!! 🙂
Thank you so much, Janine – for your kind words and your birthday wishes.
oh Dana…wow…what a beautiful post to your daughter. I can’t even begin to explain how that affected me..oh wow. what a blessing you have and one day when she is older and has kids of her own she will treasure what a great mom you are.
I hope so, Karen. She doesn’t always think so now, but that’s a teenager for you!
Beautiful! Happy Birthday Gwen!
Thanks, Karen – I’m all sappy-ed out now. August is an emotional month for me!
Thank you for making me cry oh so early in the morning 🙂 I love you so much mommy <3 and I'll never let go first either, so I guess we will have to hug for quite some time 🙂 xox
Maybe we’ll have to agree on a time limit for hugs, so we can let go at the same time. I love you too!