Leave.
It’s almost autumn, although the leaves on the trees in my yard haven’t started to turn. Soon I will walk the dogs through piles of them, crunching as we go. There is a satisfying sound to those leaves; it’s the equivalent of popping packing bubbles.
If you leave me now…whenever I get a one-word prompt, I instantly think of a song with that word. I do that in casual conversation too. With “leave,” I think of the Chicago song on their Chicago X album. My parents had the record album (or maybe the cassette tape?) when I was a kid, and I loved belting out the songs while imagining I was a superstar. My favorite ballads to sing were Air Supply’s Greatest Hits. I wonder if those guys are still around…hold on, I’ll check.
They are still around! They are in their late sixties, and they are still touring. Go, Air Supply!
My babies are leaving. My oldest is across the ocean for the semester, and my youngest is applying to colleges. I’m already feeling all the emotions. Next autumn, when the leaves begin to fall, they will both have left. I’ll be streaming Air Supply, singing into my hairbrush, while the dogs look at me and wonder what the hell the crazy lady they live with is doing.
Notice I said dogs, not dog? Bear hasn’t left yet, and I don’t know if he will. He’s been with us for two months, and while I’m still not sure about keeping him, I can’t imagine letting him go.
This is a five-minute stream of consciousness prompt, “Leave,” but I can’t post just 258 words. More accurately, I can, but I won’t. So I did a search through my unpublished pieces for the word “leave,” and found this little piece I wrote for one of Jena’s writing courses. It’s also a free write, and has absolutely nothing to do with what I’ve already written, but it is about leaving.
I gave him the breakup letter the month before I started my sophomore year in college, although I didn’t sever the cord until September. Wrung dry of the anger and hurt that consumed him for weeks, he cried with me as we said a final goodbye in his off-campus apartment. After almost four years together and much talk of marriage, I could have stayed. It would have been easier to stay; I only knew how to be part of a couple. What was it like to NOT be someone’s girlfriend? I was almost nineteen years old, and I wanted to know.
I returned to my own campus as a single woman, and I exercised my freedom proudly. I went out with my friends every weekend, flirting when I wanted to flirt, drinking when I wanted to drink, and leaving when I wanted to leave. I collected the tabs from every beer I drank and strung them on the ribbon that my Crabtree and Evelyn scented drawer liners came wrapped in. I made a necklace, each tab representing my reckless abandon, which was not particularly reckless and barely involved abandoning anything.
But for me it was a fresh start. It was a time to answer to no one. It was a time to decide who I wanted young adult me to be. I figured it out, and then re-figured it again and again. I fell in love again, and this time I was part of a couple, but I was also just me. This time, it stuck.
Joining Finish the Sentence Friday with Kristi and Kenya.
I’m a huge Chicago fan. I listen to them on Pandora and the lyrics come to mind so easily after all these years. And yes, Air Supply is touring like crazy in their 60s! They were at the music festival that my country, St. Kitts, hosts each June. I think they were there about five years ago.
For some reason, fall and leave seem to go hand in hand.
I love both free-writes. Gah to the babies leaving. I had Chicago and the Pretty in Pink songs in my head too – I almost called mine the same as you did! I love the description of the beer tab necklace – especially this part “each tab representing my reckless abandon, which was not particularly reckless and barely involved abandoning anything.” SO GOOD. I think you’re brave for wanting to be free and independent at 19. Sounds like the right decision!
Yes it was!
These are powerful pieces for free writing- great work. I’ve only had one child leave, and I’m still adjusting. I treasure his texts and phone calls as precious ties connecting me to him. I can only imagine what next fall will be like for you, but I hope you will share your stories with us. I find your words encouraging and inspiring.
I really appreciate that, Julia. I will share. It’s a yearlong adjustment, and then the next year too. Be kind to yourself xoxo
Now I have that in my head! Although I had “If you leave” in my head for.. a full day.
Ah, Bear. Will you stay? Will you leave??
And it’s so raw – that description of next fall. I’m glad you already have coping mechanisms for it. I might have to steal them.
Well, don’t steal them until we know if they work! Time will tell.
I love both [arts of your Stream of Consciousness. Fist, I wish it felt like fall. Upper 90s here in The ATL yesterday. Second, Hunter sent out his applications this week and I am soo nervous! What if no one takes him? Where is your daughter studying? And I had a feeling Bear would be sticking around.
Yeah, he’s growing on us!
I’m so glad you had such a strong head at a young age and wanted to know what it felt like just to be yourself and by yourself. It definitely something many women miss out on and it’s a discovery in ourselves made over and over again but I think that first time is so much more important than the ones the follow.
I agree, Kenya!
I loved both sections of this and I feel for you with your kids but since I have two 9 year-olds at the moment, I kinda wish everyone would leave me the **** alone!!! LOL:-)
The last part is so well written and I really love how you kept all the tabs from your nights out. You should start that ritual again once the kids leave next fall…
Ha – I’m not much of a beer drinker anymore! And I’m certainly not saving liquor bottles 🙂
I also did a search and didn’t find much with the word “leave” on my site. Plus, I had my kids home mid-week this week for a school holiday. So, this prompt totally got away from me. But I like how you started one way and finished with your own search. Pretty ingenious 🙂
Thanks Janine! Hope you had some nice time off with your girls.