My 11 year old son’s shelves are filled with sports trophies. And while I happen to think he’s #1, he didn’t get most of them from winning. They are participation trophies, handed out to every kid on every team.
Image courtesy of Simon Howden/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Sure, parents need to foster teamwork and an appreciation for the game. And young children don’t need nor do they understand competition. But let’s not fool ourselves. Kids are keeping score in their heads long before adults deem it appropriate to start keeping track of points, goals, and runs. They keep score because they have figured it out: athletic games are competitions, and it’s more fun to win than to lose.
As parents and coaches, we are overly concerned with making sure that everyone feels like a winner. Yes, we want our kids to have high self esteem, but must we do that by dumbing down competition? In every game there should be a winning team and a losing team. Sorry kids, but that’s life. It’s a lesson best learned as a child, when Mom and Dad can be there to soften the blow and encourage disappointed kids to give it another try. And triumphant kids can be taught how to be gracious winners – proud of their victory yet empathetic towards the losing team.
Because they will all lose eventually. Winning is awesome, it feels great. But to quote my son, “Winning doesn’t feel good if everyone wins – you don’t feel special.” This raises the questions:
If kids never lose, then do they ever really win?
Don’t losses make victories sweeter?
What incentive do they have to improve and grow if every performance is treated equally?
Competition and the desire to win are powerful motivators, and we are doing our kids a disservice if we artificially level the playing field. We risk raising a generation of entitled children with fragile egos, who expect to be rewarded for just being. That may work with Mom and Dad, but the real world will not be so lovey dovey.
My son just finished his basketball season. His team won some and lost some, and he took it in stride. There were times when he was bummed after a loss, but he is eleven years old and it is just a basketball game. It is our job as his parents to help him put both wins and losses in perspective. This season has been filled with teachable moments, as we have discussed with him the importance of teamwork, sportsmanship, work ethic, setting goals, and just HAVING FUN. And he did have fun, and he’s a better player than he was in October.
So his team didn’t take home any trophies – it was still a winning season.
Love this post! I really don’t like participation trophies. Learning how to lose gracefully is a great life lesson. Life has its ups and downs and I want my kids to be able to handle anything that comes their way, including the disappointments!
Yeah – I hate Candy Land. But I’ve got two more girls to get through. Stupid Gingerbread man.
I totally agree – I didn’t agree with it the first time I heard about it, and I don’t agree with it still. I have already started talking to my 5yo about losing – she hates losing at Candy Land and I have to talk to her about how it’s just something she has to deal with.
Losing at Candy Land is the worst! You get all the way to the end and then draw the Gingerbread man and have to go all the way back…
I have to say I do not miss that game 🙂 But it’s a good opportunity to talk about losing gracefully.
Beautifully said and a big amen! Not only do participation trophies make others less meaningful, they miss out on important character building moment. We each need to know how to lose. We need to learn how to heal from that, to grow from that. If we don’t learn it as children, we won’t be prepared for it as adults. Because it always come.
Thanks for sharing. Stopping by from SITS.
I appreciate you stopping by, Robin – thanks for commenting!
My 6-year old played t-ball for the first time last year. I was thrilled that they played the whole line up then switch with the other team, and they didn’t keep score. At the end of the season, they gave out plaques with a team photo. It was great. But there was a mom who was extremely pissed that her son didn’t get a trophy instead. Trophies are a pain in the butt. Hard to dust around, and you can’t get a dime for them at a garage sale.
Ha – that mom can have one of my son’s dust carchers! Sounds like the perfect first season for a six year old.
OMGosh we (the hubby and I) talk about this all the time! I couldn’t agree with you more! Great post
If everyone wins, what’s the motivation to try your best? Losing is a part of life because no one wins every single time…it also teaches kids how to be gracious about losing
Awesome post!
Well, you know we agree with you on the participation trophies. Sports teach so much more when there is no time wasted trying to level the field so there are no bumps or disappointments. Ellen
My kids are too young for sports right now so I don’t have any first hand experiences with this trophies for all stuff, but the funny thing is I have never heard anyone say they prefer it. It seems unanimous that most parents would prefer the more traditional winners and losers model.
I think you are right – so who are these people that insist on giving out trophies left and right?
Why try if everyone wins? It’s a plague. And unfortunately, our little ones are far removed from the struggles our grandparents faced. Some of the young adults I know wouldn’t know what to do if they couldn’t whine about how unfair life is and feeling sorry for themselves.
A generation of whiners – it is my personal mission to make sure my children do not whine their way through life!
I think this is a great post, and I definitely agree with you. Even with a three year old, I think it’s necessary to explain to her that we don’t always get what we want.
You’re right, Jamie! I appreciate the comment.
This is so very true! Kids need to learn how to handle losing. It’s unfortunate, but disappointment is a part of life. We’re not doing this generation of children any favors by not teaching them how to deal with it.
Yes, yes and yes, Kristen!
Thank you, Dana!!! Try starting a non-competitive league where no score is kept and no trophies are handed out. That league will fold pretty quickly. Dealing with disappointment is a HUGE life skill, and the earlier it’s taught, the better. Learning to be humble about your accomplishments while still working hard to improve your skills is just as important to teach.
Excellent point made by an excellent coach, Patti 🙂
I agree in respect to everyone who competes should not all be treated the same. When we do martial arts tournaments everyone who shows the courage to get out there and compete in front of the crowd does receive a trophy but the trophies for 1-4 are monstrous in comparison so it still gives them something to strive for.
That makes sense, especially since each kid is participating individually. My kids have always done team sports, so I couldn’t speak from a solo sport perspective. Thanks for adding that!
My kids were in t-ball a few years ago. I thought it was so ridiculous that they all got medals just for laying in the outfield picking their noses. But, then I realize that kids at age six are too young to get anything out of t-ball…at least mine were. I’ll wait till they’re nine to try organized sports again – ida they’re even interested.
Interesting post, thanks! I think it’s really important for kids to know that they won’t always be “The Best” at everything they do, but that if they enjoy it they should keep doing it anyway because life isn’t always about winning. I do think it’s good for kids to see hard work and talent being rewarded too though, and that’s obviously diluted if *everyone* is being rewarded.
Well put -thanks for commenting!
I agree completely! I have two grandsons 10 and 6 and they both play basketball and soccer. Although it’s disappointing to them, they have learned to lose gracefully and to win with pride and class. I just stopped by from SITS to say hello; hope you find time to do the same.
Thanks, Eva – I will! And you put it beautifully – lose gracefully and win with pride and class.
As a Soccer Mom, and a Soccer Coach, I couldn’t agree with you more.
Validation! Thanks – and thank you for being brave enough to coach the next generation 🙂
Agreed! I complete disagree with everyone wins theory. In life not everyone wind and when these kids grow up and they do loose they won’t know how to handle it.
You’re absolutely right. Thanks for weighing in on this topic!
Participation trophies are the reason college kids occupy parks instead of earning jobs. I’m so glad my kid shows no interest in sports…
So true! My kids were glad when they aged out of the participation trophy thing – they only want one if they’ve earned it.