A few months ago, my mother asked me about the guest list for James’ upcoming bar mitzvah. She gently and neutrally asked if I would consider inviting her friends S. and B., if she covered the cost.
In my typical fashion, I quickly and decisively responded no. We had this conversation three years earlier, for Gwen’s bat mitzvah. S. and B. were two of the four women my mother played mah jongg with weekly, and she wanted to share this happy occasion with them.
While I understood my mother’s point of view, I didn’t invite the women. Their friendship with my mother began after I was an adult, so I had no relationship with either of them. They seemed lovely from the few times I had met them, but I wanted all the people there that day to mean something to Matt or me, if not to Gwen. This was a black and white issue for me; there was no wiggle room. My mother was disappointed, but she handled it with grace and let the matter drop.
Now I found myself in the same position, three years later. And I reacted in the same way, at least initially. Then a strange thing started to happen.
I think I started to grow a little. Not taller, or wider, but in a way that matters. I put myself in my mother’s shoes, and imagined how disappointed I would be, decades from now, if I could not share my grandchild’s milestone with my friends. What was black and white became gray, and I had no easy answer.
I thought about how happy it would make my mother if S. and B. could be there, and I thought about what it would cost me to make that happen.
I’m not referring to the financial cost; adding two couples to the list would barely be noticed. I thought about the emotional cost. Was I going to be upset to see them there that day? Of course not. Was their presence going to make the day any less special? Of course not. If anything, their presence would add to the celebration of my son and this important event in our lives.
So why was I clutching my decision like a spoiled child, refusing to budge? I had no idea. But I did know that any negatives that would result from saying yes were far outweighed by the positives that would result for my mother.
I didn’t come up with that equation three years ago. Yet over that time, I seem to have changed my perspective on these kinds of decisions. Why waste the opportunity to bring joy to someone I love? I had no point to make and nothing to prove, other than my need to make clearly defined decisions.
Last Monday was my mother’s birthday. I met her and my sister for lunch, and as I was driving home, I decided to tell her I changed my mind. I thought it would be something nice to share on her birthday, but I had no idea it would be such a gift to her.
I brought my mother to tears. To happy tears. When I told her we were inviting S. and B. to the bar mitzvah, she started crying. If I had any shreds of doubt about changing my mind, they vanished. Her gratitude was humbling, and her excitement was contagious. Her tears brought forth a few of my own, as I realized how easy it had been to tip the scales towards joy.
As much as my Type A personality would often like them to be, things aren’t always black and white. Decisions aren’t always black and white. As I’ve gotten older, and as I’ve matured, I’m finding it easier to welcome in the slivers of gray.
that old school picture of you is priceless. it should be entered in a photography competition. i love it. and yes, sometimes it’s all about the joy we can bring others.
My dad was really into photography when I was little – isn’t it awesome?
So lovely. We just keep growing all the time, never stopping. I love moments like these when I do something different than I used to and find that I’ve grown a little. It’s such a great feeling. So glad you had this moment with your mom!
Me too, Tricia!
Awww this post was so sweet! I think I’m growing in this area, too, Dana. Sometimes we want to be so stubborn. I do try to not compromise beliefs but at the same time not offend people either. At times it could be a fine line, but in this case like you said, it seemed to be a preference you once had that wouldn’t really affect you too much when you really thought it through. Love the picture of you at the end with the baby…wait is that you and your son maybe? 🙂
No, that’s me and my mom! You’re not the first person to be unsure about who that was though 🙂
I went through a bit of this with my mom for my wedding. My parents have a bunch of friends and family they wanted to invite. Most of them, especially the friends, I was happy to have them invite since I have a relationship with them and have for many, many years. But sometimes it can be difficult to know where to draw the line, especially if you and your family don’t personally have a relationship with them. How wonderful, though, to be able to offer this gift to your mom! I think honestly we never stop growing and learning, no matter what age we are.
I agree with you Bev. I definitely wouldn’t have done this for my wedding, although my parents had control of the guest list for that event. In the end I decided that the women’s relationship with my mother was enough for me, especially considering how happy it made my mom to have them there.
Aw, Dana, what a sweet story! I love that you brought your mother to happy tears. And the picture is just perfection. You look so much like her!
Well, we are both a little older now 🙂 Hard to believe I’m almost twenty years older than she is in that photo. Ugh. Now I’ve depressed myself.
Dana, this might be one of my favorite things you’ve ever written! Looking back, I’ve made seemingly small decisions like this that could have made others so happy if I just applied your equation. Now that I’m a mother, I see how many times I surely broke my mother’s heart over the years. I’m so glad that you found a different answer this time around.
So am I Nicole, and thank you for loving this post! I was a little hesitant to write it because it shows my flaws…but it also shows how I’ve grown.
I relate to this so much because I can get VERY rigid and stuck and what I think is “right” or “best” or most practical. I love how you worded that about how easy it can be to tip the scales. I guess that goes in either direction.
Great post!
Thank you Nina! Rigid is a good adjective to describe me sometimes; I’m working on being more flexible. It’s generally better for everyone involved.
Such a lovely post. I have some growing up to do in this area. Not easy to admit and I’ve known it for a while. You just gave me the little push I needed.
I’m so glad to hear that, Jenny! We could all stand to grow a little.
It’s wonderful to discover the little things you can do to make other people happy!
It really is – especially when it’s so easy to do.
I can see where both you and your mom were coming from, but I like how things ended up- that your mother’s happiness was greater than Type A inclinations 🙂 I think I’d think the same way as you at first!
There are many of us tupe A-ers out there! I like the way things ended up too.
Abundantly Gorgeous.
–your words, insight, and delight seeps directly to my heart, Dana.
Happy Mother’s Day to BOTH of you!
Thank you so much, Kim!
Oh Dana how much I love this!!! You touched my heart so deeply, sharing in this beautiful history and the decisions you battled within yourself, and how you have grown to accept that those shades of grey are such fertile ground for change. When we really do allow those tips on the scale of balance to tilt another way- they can be a huge blessing to not only ourselves, but to many who are impacted by our new decisions to bring joy, and perhaps growth.
I love this so much… I love your honesty and I can only imagine the beautiful new depths of joy this brought to your mom!!
It did, Chris – and I love how this post seemed to resonate with so many others. Happy Mother’s Day to you, my friend who brings joy wherever she goes! xoxo
It’s great to know that we really can never stop learning and growing! What a gift for YOU and your mom. Love this so much Dana – from one Type A to another!
Happy Mother’s Day 🙂
Happy Mother’s Day to you too, Allie! Hope all your boys treat you well – you deserve it!
That was beautiful. I think we should all do that more often, think about why we are saying no and consider what the cost is to us versus the happiness of the other person.
I do too, Michelle. I tend to say no much too quickly, and I’m trying to not let it be my default response.
Tipping the scales toward joy. Such a great mindset, and what a generous way to go about living. I loved this post. Gave me food for thought as I prepare to spend a weekend with my extended family.
Good timing, huh? I didn’t really think about that when I wrote this, but this is one of those weekends where we could all use the reminder. Happy Mother’s Day!
I learned early on that life is pretty much different shades of grey, as much as we would like it to be black and white. I am glad you were able to make your mom happy.
Me too, Ana. Learning that lesson and actually living it are two different things, and I’m just starting to do the living part.
… and now I’m crying too! From one Type A to another – I loved this post.
Thank you, Jenise. Have a Type B kind of Mothers Day, my friend. And B does NOT stand for baseball.
Beautiful! And so true. Like you, I am learning this lesson as I grow up.
You’re growing up too? Glad to know I’m not the only one, Sarah.. Happy Mother’s Day!
Oh, Dana, I found this post to be so moving, and then when I saw the photo I actually burst into tears! You are a wise, inspiring parent and a loving, compassionate daughter. Hats off to you for a brilliant post today.
Aww, thank you so much, Stephanie. I have to give my parents much of the credit!
This is wonderful! And I just commented at Nicole’s blog that motherhood forces you to grow- in good ways. I recently have realized that my Type A, clutching tendencies only precipitate worry, fear, and anxiety. I’m getting better with gray, too, better with generosity.
It just feels better, doesn’t it?
Great post, and Happy Mother’s Day
It really does. It sounds like we have similar personalities – we can go gray together! Happy Mother’s Day to you, Julia.
Oh, Dana – I love this (even though it made me cry). So glad that you and your mom have such a great relationship that you decided her happiness was worth a small sacrifice on your part!! And, the fact that your mom reacted the way she did really lets you know how much it meant!!!
Yep! And she told me that she cried even more when she read my blog this morning. Good tears 🙂
I’m just discovering you, after finding you on one of the FB bloggers sites! What a beautiful post. Evolution of the self is a wonderful thing, isn’t it? So glad your mother was so happy!
I’m glad you found me, Parri! I recognize your name and blog from the BlogHer VOTY – congratulations!
You’re so sweet! Thank you so much!
Beautiful! I’ve learned that wisdom really does come with aging.
Happy Mother’s Day!
That one of the pluses to getting older, right? Happy Mother’s Day to you too Debbie!
This is so beautiful, I love this Dana.
Thank you Kate!
This is beautiful Dana and something I think many of us can relate to. I, for one, have noticed myself thinking about how I would feel as a mom, a grandmother, before responding to mom. I have found that the things I was so quick to be annoyed by or responded so adamantly to aren’t really that big a deal in the grand scheme of things. Great post! Happy Mother’s Day to you and your mom!
You too! I think about how I would feel as a grandmother or mom of an adult too – sometimes that pause makes me alter my response. Then I’m less likely to say or do something I regret.
I admire your self-awareness and maturity. It’s a really good feeling when you can see how you can change in small ways, but bring joy to those around you. Kudos to you for bringing such joy to your Mom!
Thank you, Anna. I’m finding that self-awareness is a perk about getting older – much better than wrinkles. 😉
I adore this. I sucks growing up and having to see the grey. But you see it with grace and self-awareness. Plus you totally beat your sister out for favorite daughter of the day. So, bonus. Seriously, though I love how you came to the realization that growing up means understanding that our parents happiness is just as important as our own. In fact, it makes us happier in the long run.
I completely agree, Kerri. It’s rare that making someone else happy doesn’t also make us happier. How much more awesome would this world be if we all figured that out and lived like that?
I love this, Dana! It’s funny – when I got married (the first time ah hem), I was the same way – I didn’t want certain people to come (we got married in Mexico) because I wasn’t as close to them as I was to some who were not able to come, if that makes sense. Now I know it would have brought them joy, and me, too.
Happy Mother’s Day to you and to your mom. I’m so glad that she’s so filled with joy over your decision.
What you said made perfect sense. I felt the same way with my wedding guest list, and then with Gwen’s bat mitzvah. Now I’m just grateful we are able to celebrate a happy occasion with people who we care about, regardless of our “level of closeness.” Happy Mother’s Day to you too!
What a lovely story, Dana. Isn’t it wonderful when we have those moments where we really feel like we have grown, even though we thought we’d finished growing a long long time ago? Over the last year or so, I’ve come to the conclusion that situations are rarely black or white and that how they are viewed all depends on perspective. I loved reading about how you changed your perspective and gave your mother so much joy in doing so. Wishing both you and her a wonderful Mothers’ Day 🙂
Thank you Lizzy – same to you! I see how black and white my kids view things – seeing the gray really does come with age. Although I know plenty of adults who don’t see it; I’m glad I’m learning to.
I don’t think we ever stop ‘growing up’. A younger me would have also seen this in black & white, but like you I’m seeing more grey these days. Thanks for sharing your heart, and Happy Mother’s Day to you!
Hi Jennifer – haven’t seen you here in awhile! I hope you are seeing more metaphorical gray, and not gray hairs! Happy Mother’s Day to you too.
Lol, ya well there’s those too…
Dana, you did it again! Brought me to tears. What a lovely post and so eloquently written. So not only did you make my birthday even happier last week, you have now put Mother’s Day up there with it! When I saw the title of the blog, I thought you were going to talk about my hair! Glad I was wrong.I think it’s a wonderful thing that we can continue to grow and learn as we age. I love the picture you used above and I luv you, Dana
Ha – I wouldn’t write a post about your hair! Well, never say never. I luv you too Mom!
I was just going to write that she will be crying again from this post. I was right! You did bring Joy to her that day. She called me right away to tell me how happy you made her. Love you both
Love you too xoxo
What a difference three years makes – even when we are grown. That was so sweet Dana and I am so glad you changed your mind. I have to send my MIL extra pictures of Christopher for her friends. It’s doesn’t cost me much more and it makes her really happy. Now I understand why my grandmother’s photo albums are filled with people who we have no clue who they are.
Exactly! I’m much more able to put myself in my mother’s shoes than I was when I was younger. That helps me make better choices.
It’s is funny how we cling to decisions we’ve made, even when we’ve changed our mind, because of pride. I’ve done it a few times – shamefully. It is a sign that you growing up when you could see the grey before the Bat Mitzvah, rather than after.
You’re right, Allie. Sometimes changing your mind can be the most mature thing to do.
What a great gift – both to her and yourself! Happy Mother’s Day, friend!!
Happy Mother’s Day to you too, Amy!
Dana, So glad you did this for your mom. My mom asked several times to be a part of something when my boys were young and I said no. Looking back now I think of the joy it would have brought her and little to know cost to me and I REGRET the decision greatly. I’m proud of you for “growing” a little : )
Thanks Sue 🙂 I’m sorry you regret your decision – I’m trying to think about regrets when I make decisions now. Will I regret saying yes? Probably not. But I may regret saying no. So I say yes!
What a sweet story! My relationship with my mom has definitely changed as I’ve grown. Part of that is because I have changed – hopefully, for the better.
I’m sure that’s why, Lisa. Although I think my mom and I have both changed for the better – you’re never too old, right?
This is beautiful, Dana. A really stunning, insightful look into the workings of your mind 🙂 Loved it.
Thank you Lizzi. I like to let you peek in my mind every once in awhile. Not too often – don’t want to scare you off.
The parts of your mind you’ve shared so far have just made me think you’re all the more wonderful 🙂
At first I was thinking it was too late to change – that your mother had passed on! Oh boy. Huge relief here to learn you were able to tell her and that she is thrilled to tears. Phewf! Reminds me of my niece a weensy bit. She was wondering if she should ask a girl to be a bridesmaid. Her twin sister had included this girl in her wedding party three years earlier. If she didn’t everyone else would be the same in the wedding party on her side except for this girl. A good friend asked her “if you didn’t ask her who would it have the longest impact on? You or her?” Hit home with my niece and she asked her. This girl was so touched she also cried and in the end was the most helpful at the wedding.
Oh – I didn’t mean to give you that impression about my mom – phewf is right! Your niece’s situation sounds very similar – making a decision that brought more joy to the other person than you imagined it would. Win-win!
I love this! I mean, I really love this. Your first reaction would be mine too – but when I read your equation, I’m ashamed:((( It can take such a small thing to be a gift to someone else. I’ll think of your equation now. Thank you.
Oh, I’m so glad you related to this, Leah!
Ah, I love the way you thought about this and I love the way it turned out. Beautifully. We had a similar thing with our wedding and I just said, “To heck with it!” and we invited a lot of people. It was in the mountains of Vermont so a lot of people didn’t come but I know inviting them anyway made my parents happy.
It is an awesome thing to make your parents happy, isn’t it?
I love your equation from a math teacher stance, a mother and a daughter, too. Seriously, sounds like you made your mom’s day and definitely was more then worth it in the end. Beautiful way also to end the sentence, as well 😉
Thanks, Janine. I’ll admit I wrote the post first and then figured out a way to use the prompt!