I walk towards my daughter, who is holding a bouquet of flowers. I am surprised to feel the tears welling up once again. As I hug her, they spill over and I bury my face in her shoulder. They are tears of emotional release – the release of the excitement, anxiety and fear that I have been struggling to control for the past four hours. Now that it is over, the tears are my body’s way of telling me that I can relax.
More than two months earlier, I had auditioned for the inaugural cast of Listen to Your Mother Baltimore. A month earlier, we had our one and only rehearsal. I arrived at that rehearsal excited to meet my fellow cast members, and nervous to see how my reading would stack up against all the others.
I needn’t have worried. Each piece was so unique and powerful, just like the women who wrote them. Yet together, the fifteen readings were so much more. I left the rehearsal much less nervous, and super energized. This show was going to be awesome.
I arrive at the venue at 3:00 pm on Saturday, with hair and makeup done. I wear my red blouse with yoga pants and flip flops, for fear of dirtying my white pants before show time. The dressing room was filled with women primping and chatting, and I plug in my curling iron to uselessly fiddle with my hair.
At 4:00, we line up to head out to the stage for a modified run through. While waiting in line I notice everyone’s fabulous shoes, and this distracts me for about thirty seconds.
Once on stage, I am horrified by how close the podium is to the audience. I could spit on the first row, and this does nothing for my nerves. We are sitting in the order in which we read, and I’m lucky number 8. (Seriously. When I was little, my lucky number was my age. When I turned eight, I decided that was the best number and I wasn’t changing it ever again.)
We go through the program, each of us reading our first and last lines so we can practice getting up and walking to the podium. I concentrate on remaining upright, and I manage to say my last line without getting choked up. I know I’ll never do that during the show.
Professional group shots are taken, and we clear the stage by 5:00 when the doors open. I have so much nervous energy; I don’t know what to do with myself. So I take a selfie.
Then I admire the program:
I read my bio, since I have no recollection of what I wrote. I don’t love it, but it’s good enough. Someone compliments me on my head shot; I tell her my 12 year old took it.
I head to the snack table and grab a clementine. I pass on the wine, but I eat some leftover Easter chocolate to calm my nerves. I go back in the dressing room and spend some more time getting to know these women with whom I am about to share an amazing experience.
The stage manager comes on the speaker to announce we have fifteen minutes to curtain. In my head, I feel like the Broadway star I’ve always wanted to be. In reality, I am ready to explode. Against my better judgment, I have been texting Matt to make sure he and Gwen have arrived with my parents and sister.
One last text at 5:52 pm confirms that they are here, and I put my phone away. The next eight minutes pass by in seconds, and we are walking onto the stage. I seriously think I could throw up.
As I walk in, I see my girlfriends in the second or third row on the right side. I am so glad they are here, but I don’t want to make eye contact. I scan the center and left sections, but I don’t see my family. I assume they are behind my friends, and I avoid looking in that direction until my reading is over.
Surprisingly, I am able to relax a bit and become engrossed in the seven stories before mine. And then I’m up.
I walk to the podium and take a deep breath. I start speaking and I can hear the slight tremor in my voice. That pisses me off, but I manage to shake it after the first few sentences. I know the line that gives me trouble is coming – try saying “startlingly alike” when you are standing with a spotlight in your face and a few hundreds pairs of eyes staring at you.
I say it correctly (I think), and I continue. I’m feeling good, and I’m hearing feedback from the audience that makes me believe they are with me. I’m in the home stretch, but I know the last few sentences get me choked up. I’ve practiced them over and over in my car, in the hopes of desensitizing myself.
It didn’t work. I can feel my throat tightening and the tears pinching. I pause, and push on. I think I’m intelligible, but I’m not sure. I walk back to my seat and try not to exhale too loudly. I barely hear the applause; I’m just so relieved to be finished. The urge to puke mercifully leaves me.
I enjoy the remaining seven readings, and we stand up for our bows. I finally glance at my friends and give them a little wave. I know that’s not what Broadway stars do at their curtain calls, but regular people do.
We walk offstage in a line, and then disperse into the crowd to connect with friends and family. I hug my husband first, and then I walk towards my daughter, letting the tears flow. After all, she was the subject of my piece. My birthday letter to her, I Will Never Let Go First, was the post that turned into my reading for Listen to Your Mother.
The show is a series of live readings that celebrate all aspects of motherhood. But those who have attended a show know that description is woefully inadequate. I heard from numerous people how powerful it was. To quote my friend Cheryl, “What a great experience – I was wiped out afterward from all the emotions that poured through me with each reading.”
This was a big deal for me, but everyone has busy lives and can’t physically be there for each of their friend’s and family member’s moments. I am so grateful for the encouraging words, hugs, and texts I received before the show, and I am beyond touched by those of you who came on Saturday night.
Matt, Gwen, Mom, Dad, Amy, Erin, Lisa, Laura, Stacey, Sue, Terry, Amy, Bari, Christa, Cheryl, Dana, Emily and Regina: thank you for being there. I only managed to capture one iPhone photo, with some of you:
Everyone has a story to tell. If you feel so inclined, I encourage you to consider writing yours down and auditioning for a show in your city in 2015. It is a once in a lifetime experience, and you will not regret it.
My fellow cast mate Abby posted in our Facebook group on Saturday morning.
Morning, ladies! I just read that the World’s Most Beautiful Person, Oscar winner Lupita Nyong’o, says her life advice is to do something every day that scares you. Today is our day!!
Yes it was.
dana, you look so pretty! sounds like an amazing experience.
It really was, Catherine. I can’t wait to share the video in July!
Great post – I could actually feel your nerves, and your excitement:). Amazing. I attended the Atlanta show this year and it was so inspiring. I hope I have the opportunity to do this one day. Congratulations.
I hope you do too, Allie – it was such a great experience. You should audition next year!
I have to go read that post- and then picture you up there saying it- and you described the scene so vividly that I can actually do just that. Oh Dana! I am SO excited and SO proud of you… what an experience!!
I am near tears just thinking about it…
It really was, Chris. And thank you for sharing my piece with your Facebook friends!
I loved reading about the big night! Put me right back into how i felt last year as part of the cast. I’m so glad it went well. You looked gorgeous. And these are memories you will always have . . . not just of the night, but of all the rest like the courage to WRITE and then to audition those words for others to judge THEN the courage to perform them.
Congrats!
Thanks, Nina. You’re right – memories for a lifetime. I’m going to the DC show on Sunday and I’m so excited to experience it all again, from the other side of the podium.
What an incredible experience! Michael Hyatt always says that when we do stuff outside of our comfort zone, that’s when the growing begins. You got a lot of growing in on Saturday! Congrats.
I did do a lot of growing – I was surprised by how nervous I was. Public speaking doesn’t usually bother me. But this was a little different than most public speaking I’ve done!
I just wanted to congratulate you and tell you that reading your post made me feel like I was there with you, living all those moments right there by your side. I admire you, I think I would most definitely have a few trips to the bathroom if I were in your shoes! Also, I read your other post and it was beautiful!
Thank you so much, Ana Lynn! I’m actually surprised I didn’t run to the ladies room more than I did. Only twice at the theater – not bad, right?
wow…how exciting and awesome…what an experience…WOOOOHOOOOO …I was so nervous for you though…you totally rock though
Thanks Karen!
Dana, this is SO awesome! I loved this post; it was so neat to get a glimpse into such a cool aspect of your life. Great job!
Thanks Shay!
I’ve heard so much about these shows, but this was great because you really took us there, nervous energy and all! Sounds like it was an amazing experience – I’ll definitely consider it for next year!
What a wonderful post – I am so glad that LTYM was such a fantastic experience for you! I am in the DC cast with Kristi (and trust me, her story is awesome), and this post has gotten me even more excited for our show. I never could have imagined how much this experience would mean to me when I first tried out — and it’s even richer with so many other cast members writing about their shows. I can’t wait to see the videos from Baltimore!
I’m so glad this post got you pumped up, Michele! I will be there on Sunday – can’t wait!
I’m such a crappy public speaker. I forget to breathe and I run out of air and then I gasp because I’m kind of drowning and then then everyone wonders if I just saw a ghost.
So next time you have an audition, remember that you’ll be fine because you don’t do ^^ that!!
I will remember that, Courtney! I was totally fine during the audition, but speaking in front of 400 people? Kinda scary.
Why are you making me cry??? I am so amazed that you had the courage to do this, the way you wrote this with such emotion I feel like I was there on stage, too. If there is a video please let us know – I’d love to see it. Congratulation on putting yourself out there and doing this incredible thing. And sharing it – I’m so glad you shared!!
Your comment made my day, Stephanie – I’m so glad you felt all the emotions in my recap. I will definitely post the video when it’s available.
What a great recap, Dana. I would never have known you were that nervous – it didn’t show. Or maybe I was too nervous worrying about whether *I* would throw up or pass out! Several of my friends who have daughters told me afterwards that your piece made them choke up. And I really don’t think the readers showing emotion or even pausing or stumbling over a word is a bad thing. It shows we’re all human. Great job and I’m so glad I got to share this once-in-a-lifetime experience with you!
Funny – I would have never known you were nervous either. I guess we are just good at keeping it under control! I’m so glad we shared this experience too, Abby – it was a pleasure!
I saw that you posted about this from my phone email yesterday but was at work and knew I’d cry when I read it (I did). I’m SO proud of you and what an honor to have been casted! I can’t wait for our show and there’s no way I’m going to be able to say the last line without tearing up. No way in the world. I’m kinda freaking out about what to wear at the moment. I love that you took a selfie when you didn’t know what to do!
xoxo
I can’t wait for your show either! As our producer Taya told us, it’s okay to get emotional. Although I think I was one of the few who did. I was so impressed by how calm and collected my fellow cast members were, or at least appeared to be. Let me know if you need any wardrobe opinions. I was really glad I wore pants, but most people wore dresses. And take a selfie!
Dana – this is amazing. You are my hero. I was crying by the end of this and feeling your nervous excitement! First of all, my lucky number is also 8 and pretty much for the same reason!? That is crazy! Second, public speaking scares the hell out of me, so I could feel what you were going though. Third, you are so incredibly lucky to have so many people support you! What a great turnout for something so important to you. You looked beautiful and I’m sure you sounded beautiful too. Congratulations on being awesome!
Lucky number 8 all the way! I am so blessed to have so many people supporting me, and I think that overwhelmed me emotionally that night too. I’m a lucky girl.
OK – I was momentarily distracted too by the shoes! But man oh man! I got chills reading this Dana. I am so happy for you and proud of you and I would have had that tremor in my voice too that would have pissed me off as well! And I know and love that piece you wrote to your daughter. I can’t wait to see the taping of this. Can not wait. xo
The shoes were a distraction for me too, and I didn’t even get everyone’s in the photo. I can’t wait to share the video with you. Just ignore the tremor!
How wonderful that you were able to participate in the event, Dana! It sounds wonderful! Is there video you can share with us? I’d love to see it!!
The video will be up in July and I will definitely share it!
I teared up reading this! Congratulations on your success and on having the nerve to audition in the first place! I tried to say “startlingly alike” while reading your post and couldn’t do it 🙂
It’s hard to do, right? I should have come up with another adverb. I’m glad my recap affected you, Jean – it’s hard to convey the emotions of that night, so if you teared up I did something right 🙂
Dana, I know you were amazing Saturday night and I wish I could have heard you! Glad you had so much support!!
You can hear me in July when the video is up! But seeing a whole show is so powerful.
Wow! I had no idea that you were going to do this! Sounds like a fun thing, Dana. So glad that you were able to share this with the world…something that you wrote on your blog. Love it! 🙂
Thank you so much, Brittnei. It was a very cool experience.
“Startlingly” is an impossible word to say, but I am pretty sure you did say it correctly, even while wanting to puke! You are an amazingly talented, witty and thoughtful person and I am so glad you were gutsy enough to start this blog! Look where it is taking you! You are an inspiration. Can’t wait to read your first book!
You may be waiting a long time, Laura! I’d love to contribute to more books, but my own? Nah. I’m glad I was gutsy enough too, and it helps to have friends like you who give me such support and encouragement. xoxo
Cant wait to see the readings on Youtube-congrats!
Thank you Tess!
What a great recap! I’m sure you were fabulous and I love that piece. So glad you got the opportunity to participate. Congratulations!
Thank you, Lisa. I’m so glad I took a chance and auditioned – it was so worth it!
Oh my goodness, I am bawling reading this! You so perfectly described the feelings and the event…I felt like I was there with you! Congratulations! :)-Ashley
Thank you Ashley! I was getting chills and choked up just writing it. The emotions are still running high.
So proud of you! This entire post gave me chills. I could feel you r anxiety and nervousness, relief, pride… what an incredible experience for you. I would really like to write something worthy of being selected. I wonder if they come near here. Thanks for sharing this Dana, and I hope one day you’ll be able to share the recording??
There’s one in Charleston, but they add new cities every year. I bet you already have written something that would be perfect, Alexa. And yes, I will share the recording when it is available!
Oh god. You’re making me excited yet wanting to puke. Our show is Sunday (Detroit). I am so thankful that I get to be a part of this and I can’t wait to see your video up on youtube. What a blessing this is eh?
Such a blessing. I’m so excited for you! And I can relate to the wanting to puke part, but you are going to be awesome.
I am so happy and excited that you did this!!! (Though sad I wasn’t able to come and see it.) Congratulations on facing all the fear, anxiety, and nervousness that comes with doing something like this, and for touching so many lives in the process.
Thank you so much, Katie! I am happy and excited that I did this too.:)
So happy, excited and proud of you!! I love the post behind your reading, and I know you rocked the stage with your beautiful presence, inside and out!! Is there a recording of the reading? I would LOVE to see it!
All the readings will be on YouTube in July. You can be sure I will post it when it’s live!
Oh my, Dana. I am so proud for you!!! I bet you rocked it and I think it is beyond amazing that you not only wrote a fabulous piece but that you are being hailed for it. Who needs Broadway anyway? This has impact, your story, your life, your being willing to share it not only behind a computer screen but RIGHT OUT front nerves and all.
Congrats my friend@
Congratulations, Dana; I’m so happy for you! What an exciting evening that must have been for you. You looked beautiful on the outside, but I can tell that the beauty is radiating from within! Heading over to read your birthday letter to your daughter now.
Thank you, Debbie – it was one of those radiating from within moments.
I think you’re my hero. My last public speaking episode, other than my wedding, was my Torah confirmation when I was 15. I think I stumbled over one word. “Jews.” I think I said, “Julie.”
What?
Anyway, and the fact that you were able to eat chocolate to calm your nerves! I can’t ever eat anything on scary days. I’m terrible.
And you’re my hero because I love that piece and this was big and brave. And you look beautiful!
Julie for Jews? I just laughed out loud. I wish I couldn’t eat anything when I’m nervous – I don’t even taste it. I did feel kinda big and brave; thank you for saying that. It was definitely a day to do something that scared me, and it was worth it.
Sounds like an amazing experience. Congratulations!
Thank you Tricia. It’s funny; my mom thought she saw you in the theater on Saturday. Matt told her he was pretty sure she was mistaken. 🙂 You must have a twin down here.
Sorry I missed it live! I’m certain you were awesome. Also, it would have been weird if I showed up and didn’t tell you!!
Yeah, a little 🙂
I know you did great Dana and I so very proud of you. Seriously, wish I could have heard your speech and was smiling just being able to read the backstory here today 🙂
Thank you, Janine. I’ll post the video link when it’s ready in July!
You were amazing! As you read your story, I was flipping through the years in my mind and picturing our girls as four year olds at the Rainbow party with Mr. Norman. I see your beautiful girl now and smile at what a wonderful young woman she’s become- you are an amazing mom and an incredible friend. I’m so proud of you!!! Thank you for sharing your stories with us!!!
You are an equally incredible friend, Amy – thank you for always cheering me on. Watching our girls grow has been such a joy, and I’m so proud of both of them! (Well, all three of them!) And the boys are pretty awesome too.
Well this recap alone was beautiful! And my heart was racing. Congrats Dana!
Thank you so much, Kenya. You have such great stories to tell – you should consider auditioning next year!
Thanks for your vote of confidence 😉 Unlike you I wouldn’t be able to suck it up and “not cry” and I probably would barf.
Ohhhhhh my Dana I am SO SO SO happy you did this, that you were chosen, and that you shared your utterly beautiful writing with the world in this way. You know that’s my favourite piece of yours, and I’m THRILLED TO PIECES for you.
Well. Done. You. 😀
You’re a star, and wonderful all the way through to the middle *HUGS*
All the way through to the middle – I love that! Thank you for cheering me on through this whole experience, Lizzi. You helped more than you know!
Awwwh so sweet of you to think so. I just encouraged your awesome, beautiful writing, my friend.
And yep – like a stick of rock with the words all the way through, if someone broke you in half, there’d just be loveliness right through 😀
You were awesome!! I’m so proud of you.
Thank you <3