Last week, I posted this on a private Facebook group full of wonderfully supportive and quite witty bloggers:
What followed was a thread of fifty-five comments, many of them hilarious. The general consensus was that I should just ignore the “troubled and sad” commenters and shake it off.
I do not excel at shaking things off. Blowing off, letting it go, shrugging nonchalantly….these are lofty aspirations that I rarely meet.
Last week I was leaving a parking garage, and I stopped to wait for a truck to pull into a spot. Someone in the garage honked, and the truck’s driver thought it was me. He gave me a nasty look and that hands-up-in-the-air gesture that means, “What the hell is your problem, lady?”
He pulled into the spot and got out of his truck. I rolled down my window and inched closer, and he glared at me. I told him that I didn’t honk at him, and his face instantly softened. He apologized, and I accepted.
If I had not defended my innocence, the incident would have bothered me for hours. The same thing happens when a disgruntled driver flips me the birdie; I don’t like when others have a negative opinion of me, particularly when I do not have the opportunity to change their mind.
I shouldn’t care what these strangers think about me, I know. I’m not sure why it irks me so much.
At least random nasty drivers are just bashing my road skills. The two women on Pinterest were bashing my parenting and relationship skills, although their basis for forming opinions were misguided at best.
I know that sites like Scary Mommy and Huffington Post bring out the trolls and the nasty comments; unfortunately, that’s part of the package. But Pinterest? Pinterest isn’t known for conversation; it’s known for gluten-free recipes and creative uses for mason jars and pallet boards.
As one blogger so eloquently put in the Facebook thread, “How can anyone be nasty to anyone ON PINTEREST?! That’s like audience members getting into a fist fight on the Rachel Ray show. Makes.no.sense.”
The comments were on my “Dear Girl Who Likes My Son” pin, which is one of my most repinned posts. It is a humor piece with advice for the teenage girl who likes my 13-year-old son. It’s one of my more barbed posts, although it is still relatively benign. I toned it down while I was writing it, because it was not my intention to sound like a bitchy, over-protective mother.
Apparently MC thinks “this woman is totally disconnected from modern day 13 year olds…” MK thinks I’m a “future monster in law.” MC agrees.
Ouch. My first reaction was to reply like this:
Ladies, I’ll have you know that I actually have a 13-year-old. I’d wager that I know more about them than you do, MC. A quick glance at your Pinterest boards reveals nothing parenting related, and an entire board about cats. Did you even read my post? If you didn’t, then go away. If you did, then you have no sense of humor. Go away.
Of course I did not write that. I talk a good game in my head, but in reality I have a hard time being nasty. More importantly, my response would be read by anyone who sees that pin. I needed to ignore the comments, or take the high road.
True to form, I couldn’t just shake it off. So I replied with this:
It’s a humor piece, ladies. Tongue in cheek.
MC and MK may never see my comment, but writing it made me feel better. Just like writing this long-winded explanation helped me get it out, blow it off, and hopefully let it go.
Can you let things go? Have you ever seen a nasty comment on Pinterest?
Dana,
I know bloggers who write for SM or Huff Post whom get really upset about these horrible trolls.
Apparently, this trash talk, gives these individuals some kind of rush and superiority.
I received a few on my Domestic V. page and My Inner Chick blog.
The last one, I just couldn’t help myself, I responded, “How does it feel, asshole, to be sitting behind a computer feeling all smug and powerful? Come tell me to my FACE!
Childish, Yes….But it felt damn good.
xx kiss from MN.
Ha – I would want you to have my back! It does feel good to respond, I’m sure.
Dana – I feel you on this. And seriously – not even Pinterest is safe anymore? I’m not the best “shake it off-er” and have been incredibly fortunate to have evaded trolling for most of my time in blogging. However, I see it everywhere.
The internet is amazing in that it allows us to share information and connect in many different ways. But..we also can not control who sees that information, how they will interpret it, and how they will treat the messenger. I think hiding behind a screen gives some license to be rude. They forget they are talking to another human being. I also think the enormous amount of information available at our fingertips can make us feel entitled. To what – I’m not entirely sure – but as an example, I witnessed a woman commenting on a food blog complain about a recipe that the writer featured because it called for using a spiralizer – and the reader thought the writer had posted too many recipes lately that called for sprializers. Then for crying out loud – get off the page! Go find another *free* website that offers recipes!
I love your writing. Especially the posts about your kids. Keep at it. And if you should be trolled again, tell us. We’ve got your back. xo
Thank you, Ilene – how nice to see you here! You are so right – we can’t control who sees what we write once we put it out there. As a bit of a control freak, that’s not easy for me! I just can’t relate to using anonymity as an excuse to be rude. There’s always a person behind the words.
I think the whole purpose of Scary Mommy now is just that – scare mommy. Holy hell. I’d pray for Mother Freaking Theresa (God rest her saintly soul) if she were to put a post up on Scary Mommy. It’s like women are just waiting by their computers in attack mode. The topic could be as innocent as the colour pink “Bitch you never write about yellow. What’s wrong with yellow?”
I’ll never submit there.
Now Pinterest?
Like what in the world?
I’m like you though, it bugs me when people have a negative impression of me – like the car honking incident. I would have done the same thing. Pinterest though – I laugh at that. It’s probably some silly kid.
At least one is a woman – I clicked on her FB link. But whatever. Pinterest is the land of lollipops and unicorns – why be mean there?
It’s really weird how people never bother to actually read a piece before forming their own opinion about it! It’s sad and unfortunate that we do have to develop a thick skin about it!
It’s definitely a first for me to know that there are nasty people on Pinterest too but it was just a matter of time before the trolls found a new avenue to harass people!
True – the meanies find all the nooks and crannies, don’t they?
I have gotten a few nasty comments in my time as a blogger and they definitely get under my skin, too – though, not as much now as they used to. I always come up with great comebacks in my head, but I never post them. That said, Pinterest?!?!? I don’t think I have ever even commented on a Pinterest pin. Also, I have read that post multiple times. As the mom of an almost 13 year old daughter, I did not find it offensive at all. I got that it was humor and I thought it was great!
Thank you Lisa! You get me. 🙂
When I first saw this on the FB group, I was so, so bummed on your behalf. I have never, ever seen you write an unkind word. Why, on Pinterest or any other platform, would someone think they are entitled to say something that they almost certainly would never have the guts to say to you in person?!?!
As hard as it must have been to not lower yourself to the level of the trolls, because of your character (and awesomeness) you took the high road. Your comment back was the perfect, concise way to address the haters in a rational way while closing the conversation loop for all those who see the Pin down the road. Kudos to you for not fanning the flames. XXOO
Closing the loop, yes. That’s exactly what I intended, although I had not articulated it so well in my head.
I’ve avoided nasty comments so far (especially since leaving a parenting forum full of the meanest women you could ever meet), but I also don’t post much about parenting, which will definitely bring the jerks out of the woodworks.
I would be upset by getting them, at least for a little while. The internet is full of stupid people though, and I’m never going to apologize for their inability to be decent humans. Sometimes I’ll fight fire with fire, but usually I just ignore it. Trolls hate to be ignored.
Now my MIL…. whole different story. She’s wretched, and I can’t just pretend she doesn’t exist. Usually 😉
Oh, that doesn’t sound fun. You are right about trolls hating being ignored. I think these women just completely lack a sense of humor!
Wow! Pinterest of all places? That is definitely not the norm. I’m like you as well – thin skinned. Those remarks would have bothered me, too. I recently received my first negative comment on a blog post I wrote a few weeks ago. Wish I could tell you that I’m not still thinking about it … but I am. When I write, I always try to stress in each piece that the feelings I’m sharing are my own. I don’t expect everyone to feel the same way I do. When they don’t, that’s fine. They’re welcome to express how they feel in a comment, how they would have handled the situation differently — but that does not mean that they have the right to bash me for feeling the way that I do in the process. I do my best to reply to all comments. That nasty one, however, was a real struggle for me. I waited a day or two before doing it – and then, like you, I took the high road. I’m so glad you got your frustration out and wrote this post, Dana. I get it … and loved it! 🙂
Thanks Marcia! It does help to sit on your response for a day or two – often time tempers my hurt and anger.
Oh your title totally drew me in. I also think I may be too thin skinned for this life. But not when it comes to comments, oddly. I’ve gotten some nasty ones but usually I find I am able to just laugh at them. They are often misguided and always mean for the sake of being mean, not ever to add to the conversation. My thin skinned trouble happens at the point of rejection instead.
I can understand that, Tricia. I have submitted many places, but those rejections sting. Especially when I compare my piece to something else that was published…which is something I should never do.
I’ve had one, nasty, anonymous comment on my blog. I’m pretty sure I deleted it. I don’t even remember which post it was on. It was actually unrelated to the post and more in line with a personal vendetta. I’m pretty sure it is someone who knows me in real life, but I can’t think of who.
For what it’s worth, I think your first response was better!! 🙂
Me too, Rabia – but I don’t want to stoop to their level. So I acted mature!
there are mean and crazy people everywhere…especially when they can hide behind a computer! It’s hard to do, but think about where it’s coming from and realize they are not worth the time.
Very true. I’m working on it!
Most of the time, I just let things go. Somehow I engineered myself to be like that because I get too stressed thinking about what strangers would think about me. But that doesn’t change the fact that I still sometimes worry about what they think.
I love your very graceful reply! And yeah, agree with everyone re nasty comment on Pinterest! Haha. I’d probably respond to a nasty comment too when it’s below the belt (although not sure what that entails). Ha!
Thanks, Rea – I’m glad I replied the way I did. Although I doubt the two women will ever come back and see it.
Is nothing sacred?!!! Pinterest is supposed to be a happy place! I’ve gotten a few mean comments on social media, and it hurts, but then I imagine the type of loser who sits around wasting time leaving mean comments… and eventually, I feel better. I think your response was perfect.
Thanks. I like your imagination; I’m going to use your visuals.
This is a first, I’ve never heard of nasty comments on Pinterest. But I remember the post – and it’s hilarious and I loved it. My only nasty comment was similar, about a parent dilemma, and I think it was from a teenage girl who must have googled rainbow loom. She clearly did not get the post. Anyway, it was hard to let go, but I think I did take the highroad, with a similar comeback to yours. As everyone says, with your first bad comment, you have now officially arrived:)!
Ha – where are all my new followers? Any time I’ve had a mean comment, it was clear the person just didn’t get it.
I had a nasty comment once, but it wasn’t about one of my own pins. It was, “This is a terrible recipe!” I think I laughed, actually.
That said, I feel like your twin because I need everyone to love me out there in the world. I have to defend myself a lot and I can’t stand confrontation or someone not knowing the full truth.
Maybe we’ll have to confront the trolls together. Why I care what a stranger thinks of me, I don’t know.
So far I have never gotten any of those really negative/rude comments but I know it would bother me, too.
I think that on Pinterest if someone is commenting it is someone who is lacking in actually living a life – I never even think about commenting there. I will repin something (often) or like something but that is about it.
Me too! But I guess some people like to stir the pot.
I thought of Chris and Kristi when I read this piece Dana. I can’t believe it’s happened to you, now, on Pinterest of all places. So much has been said above that I can’t really add much new, however, I read that piece you are talking about – I have a 13 yo boy and a 12 yo girl (and boy) and I laughed. It was obviously supposed to be funny. MC and MK have no business commenting and they certainly don’t deserve a place in your heart or head, mean for mean’s sake is just pointless.
Agreed, Steph. And their comments were nothing compared to the evil ones Chris and Kristi received. I’d be curled up in a ball in the dark somewhere.
Wow I rarely even see comments on Pinterest at all. I talk a good game too after the fact. I never think of anything in the moment but probably still wouldn’t use it. I think like you I would have had to do the same thing as you. I would have said to the man “I didn’t beep at you..” then a$$hole in my head. Same to the commenters I would have called them the b-word but only in my head. I’m still in a bubble ^-^. I’m cool with that. If my daddy sees a negative reply to something I write I’m not going be able to reign him in, or my mother for that matter. LOL!
That would be something to see! I say a lot of tough things in my head too.
I got hate mail once. I was terribly shocked! Like you,the piece was intended to be humorous. So I deleted it. So wrong. I then decided to post the mail and celebrate my first hate mail, in a new post. That got it out of my system and I got a nice post out of it too. I then re-posted the hated post.
Ha – way to get lots of mileage out of it! The only times I’ve received nasty comments were for humor pieces – clearly my humor is not for everyone.
I will truly never understand the Internet comment hate. If I stumble upon something that I do not like, I move on – there is so much out there that I do want to see and appreciate! Because I can’t understand the motivation, I have a hard time getting beyond it – what could I have possibly done to make someone loathe me so much that they wanted their hate in writing?!
But it is what it is, and we have to let is slide and keep on moving. I like to think it speaks more about them than it does about me, regardless of the comment!
Keep your head up, girl!
Head is up! You’re right – it says more about them than it does about me.
Sorry to hear that, Dana! Let me tell you something I read on Copyblogger that totally changed my attitude on this: You know you’ve ‘made’ it when you get nasty comments. Period.
Because without the nasty comments, we’re still in a bubble. We’re surrounded by friends who like us or are too polite not to say anything. We’re still in a small space.
But once you’ve made it big, then it’s open to all people, nasty ones included. So, the way I see it, once I started getting the nasty stuff, I patted myself on the back for breaking out of my comfort zone 😉
I think your reply was great and appropriate. Trying to explain in a lengthy way sometimes just makes it seem defensive. If someone disagrees with me, then I do explain myself for clarity but usually just acknowledge that we’re different and that’s fine.
The best thing I do though is to actually read what the person is saying and try to see their point of view. Because beneath the nasty comments, I can usually learn something and improve. For instance, I got some nasty comments on a blog post I wrote, and after I read them, I thought, “They’re right! This piece has no focus whatsoever and I have no idea what I’m talking about.” I was able to edit my piece and make it better.
But yeah, some of them are straight up useless, nasty comments. But shrug your shoulders, acknowledge that not everyone will like what we do, and keep on 🙂
Good point about seeing their point of view – sometimes they have a valid point. Just say it respectfully. Thanks for sharing what you read, Nina – I like looking at it that way!
Seriously, PINTEREST!? Is nothing sacred!!?
As for letting things go . . . always so hard. I have become decent at letting criticism go on a personal level. However, I still suffer from the desire to EXPLAIN EXPLAIN EXPLAIN. Like– if I just explain my point of view ONE MORE TIME than the other person will magically see things differently. Better thing is not to respond. Always hard. In real life too.
Sorry this happened to you. Feels crappy. And Pinterest!? 🙁
I know! I feel the desire to explain too. It just happens so infrequently that it throws me.
I can understand how difficult it is sometimes to deal with negative comments. Every time you hit publish, you put a little bit of yourself out there for everyone to see. And you just can’t change mean. Someday I hope those comments won’t sting so much for you. You have so much more going for you. Plus, you got that awesome Rachel Ray comment…hilarious!
Wasn’t that awesome? I just had to quote Ashley, with her approval of course. Bloggers can be so witty!
A while back I wrote a sarcasm-heavy piece about stalking parents of well-behaved, smart kids to learn their ways. A few sunk their teeth in, so I did a little digging to find out a little more about them. One had a commenting history that was 90% on teen makeup youtube tutorials. Another troll had an entire website on parents whose children alienated them. When I get a bad response I decide that the piece wasn’t written for them, or that they’re just mean-spirited.
I did a little digging too, and I agree with you. The one woman likely doesn’t have kids, and the other has two young girls. My piece wasn’t intended for them – they can come back and read in ten years and then make a mean comment.
MK and MC are crazy and dumb. I got a mean comment on a pin once but I kinda understood why and ended up changing the pin because of it. Anyway, people being trolls on Pinterest? Love the comment about the fist fight in the Rachel Ray audience – so true! Glad you wrote back and glad you told that driver it wasn’t you! Why anybody has to be mean on any platform still upsets and disgusts me. I’m not sure I’ll ever recover from what the horrible meanies said to me after that one Scary Mommy article. *shudder*
Oh, I know – those were horrible. My mean girls were nothing compared to that crap. Want me to beat’em up for you?
It’s not only the comments that get me too, Dana. Your unrelated honk story reminded me of the time I was at a red light and my glance over to a fellow driver beside me caught his attention. He pursed his lips into a smarmy kiss. Ewwwwwwwwwwww. That was at leasst 5 years ago. God only knows how many times he’s done that to other random women. I’ve not forgotten. And it irks me that he has.
Gross! Obviously he did not realize how he was scarring your for life.
Ugh. Totally relate. I can brood on these things for days. My husband is always like, what do you care what someone you don’t care about thinks about you? I don’t know why but my heart still squeezes and I want to either get mad or explain I was joking (and when you have to explain a joke, no one wins). I do try to think of it in 2 different ways–people not getting you means you’ve “arrived” because that means more people are reading you and 2, it’s good blog fodder!
So true, Liz. I rarely get a mean comment because I don’t have a wide reach, but I guess these two saw the pin and thought it would be constructive to make a snarky remark. I’m trying not to care, and I’m almost there!
It hurts… and sucks…and I for one am still trying to figure out how to walk away from insults and cruel comments. Sadly, much like every other horrible thing in life, the more you are exposed to it, the less sensitive you become.
I’m finding that to be true, as I am now a “spoiled, selfish, absolutely horrid, entitled brat…” Among many other things.
ouch.
I read hundreds of comments as they all ban together in the bullying, and I think how utterly dehumanizing it really is that they talk ‘about the author’ as if she doesn’t really have a beating heart. I cringe, tense up, hang my head and finally look away…
I had over 20K shares on that piece… that is a HUGE success to me, and I will celebrate that. THAT is what I focus on. Not the angry haters that simply want to hate hate hate….
Chris, you were the person I was thinking of when I wrote this…you are my HERO for dealing with all the haters. But you are right: focus on the success, and celebrate that. I celebrate you!
I remember that piece. As a mom of five ex-13 yr olds, and one 13 yr old to be, I found myself smiling while I read it. It was funny. Clearly not something a cat-lady is equipped to appreciate.
Blow them off. Easier said than done, I know.
🙂
It is, but I value your opinion of the piece much more than cat-lady. So thank you!
You know, I am stumped by trolls. To me, the whole point of commenting is to connect–find some commonality and expand. Or on occasion, the thoughtfully and politely express a difference of opinion. When I read troll comments, I think, “On what planet were you born that this kind of response is considered excusable?” I really have no idea.
Neither do I Sarah. You’re right, there is absolutely no purpose to those comments.
After what has happened to friends who have “become famous” in the HP world and beyond I am very thankful my blog is small. I just do not have what it takes to take nasty comments and not obsess about them.
I think I’d have to not read at all on those other sites, Kerri. I couldn’t handle it.
I can totally relate. I’ve had some pretty vicious and ridiculous comments made to some of my blog posts, usually the ones on Scary Mommy or HuffPost. It would be a lie to say that they don’t get to me, because they still do. But I have realized that I don’t want to be thick-skinned because that would also mean that the sweet and beautiful and really lovely comments might not touch me as deeply either. I have by moved to tears by more supportive comments than I have been by the negative ones. That said, my first reaction is for my claws to come out. I want to defend myself and strike back. I’m getting a little better at taking a deep breath and moving on.
That’s an excellent point, Christie – the lovely comments stay with me for even longer than the nasty ones. And fortunately, there are many more of those.
Oh man, the nastiness has spread to Pinterest? I’m with you, I’m way too thin-skinned for nasty comments, ridiculous as some people may be. I think, though, it’s good that you took the high road. It’s really not worth engaging with these people most of the time. Some people are so deep in their own misery that they have nothing to do with it then throw it at other people, unfortunately.
Your car incident reminded me of something that happened back in February or March. I was turning down my street and there was a car right at the beginning of the street back when there were mounds of snow. I saw him motioning with his hand and I thought he was signaling me that I should go. Turns out there was another car coming in the other direction and he was trying to signal for me to stop. He and these two pedestrians gave me the nastiest look and I wanted to be like “I’m sorry, I thought you were signaling for me to go!” It bothered me for the rest of the day that I couldn’t tell them I wasn’t trying to be a rude you know what.
So you know exactly what I mean, Bev. It would have bothered me too. I do think that other people brush things like that off so much faster than I do – the driver probably didn’t give it another thought. Either that or he vented in a blog post. 🙂
Dear Dana AND Dana,
Ironically, I just read these two things in the email that O read before I got to this one:
1) “Going back to Roosevelt’s “Man in the Arena” speech, I also learned that the people who love me, the people I really depend on, were never the critics who were pointing at me while I stumbled. They weren’t in the bleachers at all. They were with me in the arena. Fighting for me and with me.
Nothing has transformed my life more than realizing that it’s a waste of time to evaluate my worthiness by weighing the reaction of the people in the stands. The people who love me and will be there regardless of the outcome are within arm’s reach. This realization has changed everything.”
~ Brené Brown from Daring Greatly
and if you’re not ready to embrace that, try this one —
2) “Don’t try to win over the haters; you’re not the jackass whisperer.” – Scott Stratten
Shake it off, sweet friends. Your intentions are and hearts are pure and whether others outside of your core “team” know that or not is irrelevant.
I love you both SO much and hope you each focus on all of the OTHER incredible vibes coming your way instead.
xoxoxo <3
Kris
I like them both, Kris, but you know that the second one is more my style! I will focus on the good vibes – the others aren’t worth my time. Thank you, my friend.
As someone who is living this on a daily basis and not from strangers but from a person that knows every detail about my life…I feel your pain.
Every day I must tell myself don’t respond, don’t engage, take the high road, but I will be honest, it is one of the hardest challenges I have ever had to face.
I wish I didn’t care. I wish it didn’t bother me the kind of negative untrue comments that are being said to anyone that will listen. But the truth is I am just like you. I do care. I want people to know the truth; I want to defend myself every time hurtful words are thrown my way.
I get helpful advice every day but the one that sticks out most is “you can’t stop the wind from blowing.”
yesterday a friend said. .”go to your happy place”. That’s what I try to do and will keep trying to do. we cannot change who we are Dana, we are always going to care, always be stung by the negative. Ultimately, we are positive, happy people.
don’t let the haters get you down. Keep writing and let the haters hate. The people that matter love you and LOVE your blog.
Xoxo
You have to k now in your heart that you both are beautiful people. No one can take away all the good you have done for so many others. At the end of the day those people who are full of anger, meaness, hate, ugliness they don’t get to look in the mirror and feel good about themselves they feel only sadness and have to portray those feelings onto someone else. Don’t allow yourself to take it in!!! and Dana C “No boy is worth crying over and the one who is won’t make you cry”. Love both of your spirits and hearts!!!
Love you back. xoxo
The haters will hate – you are right. We can’t let them bring us down, and we have to surround ourselves with people who make us happy. You make me happy!
There are many out there who have nothing better to do. However, the comments usually come from very disgruntled, mean spirited, jealous and envious people. Think of it this way: they recognize that your life, your ideas, your spirit, your writing, your humour, is worth being jealous over and they must attack! You are practically a celebrity!!!!! Go girl! Congrats on the mean comments!!!!! Xo
Practically a celebrity – hah! But I’ll take your congratulations – thanks Leah.
I’m right there with you when it comes to this stuff. I have a very thin skin and take things extremely personal. Now that I write for RunHaven and it has a very active FB page, I have toughened up. It stings to read some of the nasty comments (I’ve had plenty!) and I would be lying if I said I didn’t think about some of the worst ones for DAYS but I think it’s good for me. If I want to be a published writer then I need to read the good with the bad. I definitely cannot believe you received those kinds of comments on Pinterest – that’s just very, very weird!? And I would tell you not to let it bother you, but I get it. I SO get it. Just for the record – I read that post and I loved it. I thought it was funny and not overly harsh at all. Screw those two freaks who think otherwise:-)
Thank you Allie 🙂 I suppose I might get used to it if it were commonplace, but I’m not big time…99.9% of my readers are regulars, and very nice people!
Dana, this is part of the reason, it took me so long to try to submit for syndication elsewhere as I have trouble shaking off the negative comments. I am so sorry you had this on a pin of all places. Your reaction would have been similar to mine though and I agree just a humor piece though and definitely no need for the crazy, negative responses.
I know! It’s not even a place for conversation, just a nasty remark.