I have been a stay-at-home mom for thirteen years, and I still have moments of ambivalence about it. When the kids were little, I spent the entire day caring for their every need, with nothing tangible to show for it except for spit-up stains on my shirt and smashed Cheerios wedged in the sofa cushions.
While the term “stay at home mom” is more palatable than “housewife,” I am well aware that I am very fortunate to be able to make the choice to stay home with my kids. Unlike the housewives cast in the many versions of the Bravo reality series, I do not spend my days going to the spa and consulting with plastic surgeons.
Both children have been in school now for nine years, and my job descriptions and hours have changed. I’m the first one up in the house even though I’m the only one who has nowhere to go. I clock in for 90 minutes, work alone for six hours, and am back on from 2:15 to bedtime. Bedtime is never before 10 pm and is often after midnight; on those late nights I fall asleep on the job.
It is during those six hours when the kids are in school that I have more freedom than mothers who work outside the home. I don’t lounge around eating m&m’s all day, but I am able to get all the errands and household chores out of the way while enjoying peace, quiet, and solitude. I can only handle so much quiet and solitude, however, so the highlight of my week is Thursday lunch with my playgroup. It started as a legitimate playgroup over a decade ago, and it’s now a sacred institution that the seven of us cherish.
Yes, I said I don’t lounge around eating m&m’s all day. But my birthday fell on a Thursday this year, and this was my cake.
We have joked that we could become our own franchise of the Real Housewives series, albeit much less interesting and indulgent. The Real Boring Housewives, perhaps. The cameras would capture us eating salad and hummus, and turn off before we snarfed dessert. It would be cancelled faster than The Hasselhoffs. Don’t remember that show? Exactly.
If they made a reality show about my life, it could be a parody of any one of the plethora that entertain the masses.
In the next episode of Mediocre Chef, I prepare a dinner centered around chicken and whatever vegetable is not rotting in my fridge. Two of the judges always complain, but they know better than to tell me to pack my knives and go.
On The Amazing Race, I wake one kid up before frantically getting the other to school right before the bell rings. For the next leg of the journey, I attempt to get one kid to practice at 5:00 while picking the other kid up from practice across town at the same time.
My challenge for Project Runway is to create five different outfits using black yoga pants. I absolutely make it work.
In a Biggest Loser twist, the prize money goes to the biggest finder. I locate lost clothing, books, papers, and electronics, but I can’t find the sunglasses that turn out to be on top of my head.
The original Dirty Jobs never reported on the grossest job of all. On Dirty Jobs: Mom Edition, I dig into a teenager’s hamper without a hazmat suit. In a crossover episode with The Deadliest Catch, I fish for the sweaty lacrosse pads that have been zipped up in a duffel bag since June.
Be grateful that you can’t smell over the Internet.
Next week on a very special So You Think You Can Dance, I learn I probably can’t. But that doesn’t stop me from bopping to eighties tunes in my car as I drive from Target to Costco.
On The Internet has Talent, I read the words of so many amazing writers and storytellers. They are inspiring, funny, soulful, helpful, wise, and Real.
This season’s The Bachelor stars my cute UPS guy, who probably thinks I’m a recluse because I am always home when he stops by. I once saw him picking up packages at a UPS store, and I was so happy that he could see that I actually put on makeup and ventured out of the house. I said something stupid like, “Hey, you’re my UPS guy!” Unsurprisingly, he did not give me a rose.
There’s always next season.
this had me in hysterics!!! I have my two oldest in school but still have my 18 month old at home and it’s impossible to get anything done sometimes. From the time I wake up until the time I go to sleep there is always something to accomplish, I’m tired 😉 luckily I have a lunch date with some girlfriends on Saturday so I can change out of my yoga pants! and hopefully a date with my husband if the babysitter would get back to me!!
xoxo
I hope she does, Jennifer. Enjoy your lunch date! I had my playgroup today, so I was dressed with make up on, and my UPS guy came to the door. You can bet I opened it!
Dana, this entire list cracked me up!! I wish there had been a camera in my house this morning when the five of use slept straight through 4 alarms and only had 30 minutes to get ourselves together and out the door!
Oh, that must have been fun! Sounds like a sit-com episode to me.
I love your versions of the reality shows. I really am jealous that you have a weekly standing lunch date with friends. I want that kind of solid group.
I got really lucky, Kate. I hope you do too!
You are hilarious! All of the above, except the finder one. If it’s missing in the house, there’s a good chance it won’t be found for years. Oh, all the library books I paid for…
We don’t typically lose books, but give us time! I figured you could relate to most of this, Michelle.
Love this post, Dana! And I love that you and your playgroup still get together regularly. Life is so much richer when shared with longtime, dear friends!
My UPS man once said to me, “How many wine clubs DO you belong to?” Ouch…
Ha – that’s awesome! Mine would say, “Do you have stock in Nordstrom?” In my defense, they ship everthing in separate boxes, and it was all on sale.
That life sounds much any better than any of those dumb reality shows *shudder*
Hey, hope you enter the British Airways giveaway on my blog! 🙂
Thanks for the reminder, Roshni – I did!
Howling here. You nailed it! Your UPS guy reveal reminds me of the time I oh-ever-so-smoothly commented to the actor Brent Butt that I’d noted his Instagram numbers were beginning to ramp up. Really? That’s what I came up with? Yup. Still kicking myself over the fact that I didn’t snap a photo of his beyond shellshocked face.
Ha! It’s like the scene in Dirty Dancing when she says “I carried a watermelon.” Do you know it? I quote it quite often, because I often feel like that. Wishing I could take the words and shove them right back in my mouth.
I love this. I’m also a stay at home mom. My kids are in school, but I’m still busy. I’d probably be a Real Military Spouse Housewife. I’d also be on World’s Worst Cook, because I burn meals often.
Wasn’t there a military wife reality show, or am I imagining things? I’m glad you can relate to my parodies, but I’m sorry you seem to have my cooking skills.
Having a real life isn’t boring, it may be repetitive, but what I can never describe my life is as boring. I miss the playgroup I was apart of. we moved across country, and our kids were just getting to point that I could have that free time.
I hope you can connect with some new friends, April – it must have been hard to move away from that group. And yay for some free time! It does seem to go by twice as fast as normal time, though.
Very clever, Dana – and you realize your lineup is better than two of the three networks’ fall offerings, right?
I’d say mine would be … The Soccer Kid Whisperer, What Not to Wear – Dad Edition, or Dad Bloopers, Uncut.
No cute UPS girl here, but I always seem to wind up on the same aisle as the cute girl who straightens all the shelves at the grocery store. Funny.
Wait. That’s not like even the same thing is it?
Carry on.
No, it is almost the same thing, Eli. I think maybe she’s following you around the store. Make sure you wipe the pizza sauce off your sweatshirt before you head out. 🙂
Dana, this is fabulous! Every word. Our real housewife lives and feelings about it sound so similar and you captured it all perfectly with every creative spin on the reality shows. And made me laugh, for real! Love love “7 ways to make black yoga pants work.” And I bet you can dance – every 80s Mom can ;)!
Actually, I kinda can dance – you’re right. Not like the contestants on that show, but well enough to not embarrass myself. I do plenty of that in other areas of my life!
Now that I wrote my TToT post and I’m reading this I think my reality show would be something about free birthing, stay at home moms hahaha! It would be a little boring maybe haha. I love the group that you have with the other moms from an old play group. I hope to have that with some moms here soon. 🙂
I hope you do too, Brittnei. The oldest kids are freshmen in college now, and the seven of us plan on lunching together long after we have no more teeth to lunch with.
You and I had more or less the same thoughts on this topic. But you did it better. My guys haven’t gotten to the smelly sports stuff stage yet, but they have a lock on the “drop it instantly when you are done with it” approach to (not) putting away their stuff. Makes me nuts!!!
Me too – I wonder if they will grow out of it when they get their own places?
This is such a fun post! Though I am definitely grateful I can’t smell that gym back over the internet. GROSS!
Yes – totally gross. I don’t remember puberty being this stinky, but I bet my mom does.
I have a cute UPS guy too! It’s a thing, right?
And your birthday cake looks wonderful.
I think most mornings are The Amazing Race around here. It’s always about which kid to drop off first, and the repercussions that entails. And always, always, I’m walking Scarlet to school right as the bell is ringing. How do I do that?
Then I go get a coffee. With whipped cream.
Good for you! I’m all for positive reinforcement (for yourself) when you successfully get your kids where they need to be. I may actually do a little dance when Gwen gets her license, if I can conquer the fear. But if I had a dollar for every mile I’ve driven those two, I’d own UPS.
I love parody posts. They are my catnip! My favorite was the project runway. Though the UPS guy should’ve had a rose for you too.
He totally should have. But instead he’s probably married and going home to his hot wife. Oh well.
You have a great sense of humor Dana! And how nice is it that you keep your Thursday playdate! I have friendships that started when the kids were little and are still going strong. My life very much feels like The Amazing Race 🙂
I bet it does, Tara. And yes, those friendships are so important to me. I’m really lucky to have all those women in my life.
I love the shows you came up with! I would totally watch Mediocre Chef 🙂
You may watch it, but you wouldn’t eat anything that was made! Trust me.
Mine would probably go something like this:
“On the next episode of Real [Bored] Stay at Home Wives, Kim drinks coffee. Again. While checking Facebook. Later, watch and see what happens when Kim ventures out of her apartment for a burrito at Chipotle then gets ticked off when the asshat in front of her takes their sweet time. Will it be a catfight or will Kim just roll her eyes and cuss under her breath? Tune in on Friday at 9 p.m. to find out!”
Sounds fascinating, Kim. I will definitely tune in, if I can find the remote without too much effort!
Oh, this might be my favorite list from you yet!!! I love your reality shows because I can relate to so many!!! I love that your “playgroup” still does weekly lunches. We have a group of “preschool” moms but we usually only get together once a semester or so now.
I love your take on this! I was a stay at home for 11 years before I started this part time job at my church back in February. It was supposed to be for a couple months, but here I am coming up on a year later and I’m still doing it & trying to decide whether or not to make it a permanent thing. When I stayed at home, I sometimes felt pretty useless, especially once my kids were in school, but now that I don’t have that time anymore, I realize how much I really did (and how much I don’t have time to do now). Anyway, that was a lon & only semi-related comment to say that I love how you saw a little bit of all the reality shows in motherhood! 🙂
I completely understand, Lisa. When you stay home, you really can get tons done even if it feels like you’re not. I know many working moms who would love to not have to do their grocery shopping and Target runs on the weekends. I much prefer to go on weekdays when it’s nice and quiet!
Dana, this was so funny and perfect for this week’s sentence. I snickered throughout all your parody shows, especially the UPS Bachelor- ha! And the Project Runway one. All of them actually. You totally nailed it. I loved this post. 🙂
Thank you Stephanie! It was fun to write. Now if I can get some inspiration, I still want to try my hand at some lyrics for you to sing…
Dana, this is great! My reality show would probably be called “Survivor-ish” because I do everything half-ass, but I always manage to survive.
I’m so glad I came over here to visit today! What a fun post!
Happy to make you smile, Mandi – I’m glad you visited too. Survivor-ish – that’s brilliant! I was going to use Survivor, but that’s what we all are. The -ish is perfect!
Haha, this is fantastic! I had contemplated doing this, but I could not think of anything, and your post is much more clever than anything I would have ever written. And I hope never have to dig through smelly sports clothes that have been sitting in a bag for months. You deserve some sort of award, or at least a spa day, for that!
I really do, Bev. But I’d trade that for a personal laundress. And you’re not immune – girls’ sports stuff stink to high heaven too! Enjoy the sweet baby smell while you can.
Okay- this could not be MORE PERFECT!!! And totally hilarious Dana!!! I surely can star in every one of those shows too!! Hell, can’t we ALL?!!
This would be SUCH a fun blog-marathon running link to follow… we could all keep posting new shows and why!!!
NAILED yours, my friend. Totally sharing.
Thanks for sharing, Chris – this one turned out better than I thought. 🙂
This was absolutely brilliant, Dana! I LOVED your spin on the reality shows. Mediocre Chef, Deadliest Catch and Amazing Race were the one’s I watch (Top Chef) and those made me laugh out loud! I actually have a UPS woman who must have thought for a period of time a few months ago, “Dude, get out of the house for a day.” I do have a hot pizza delivery gal that I thoroughly impress with my ratty sweats and ball cap on Saturday nights – not! Even after the big tip I always give and she smiles I have no doubt when she walks away, she is rolling her eyes and thinking to herself, “I’m sooooo shurrr…” LOL 🙂 Have a great day and weekend! 🙂
Mike, I can guarantee you that the cute pizza gal has seen much worse than you in ratty sweats. At least you were dressed! I wonder if pizza delivery people or UPS guys have blogs – think of all the great stories they could tell.
OMG I don’t usually laugh out loud when I’m reading (even though I use the LOL text a lot to show I think something is funny), but I really did when I read your versions of current popular reality shows (the Deadliest Catch! The Amazing Race! Hahaha. Clever!!).
I think this might be my first visit to your blog, though I have been following you on Twitter for a while, so it’s nice to “meet” you :).
Julia/ Frantic Mama
Nice to meet you too, Julia! I didn’t think anyone ever found me on Twitter, so you made my day. And you LOL’ed for real…you’re my new favorite person. Hope you’ll come back and visit!
So funny and true! I have two lacrosse players in my house and those pads SMELL! 🙂
Field hockey shin guards stink to high heaven too. And I’m about to institute a rule in my house: If you take off your shoes, you must also take off your rancid socks.
Dana, I LOVE the way you put your own take on all those reality TV shows! Your UPS man is my mailman. I was painting in my painting outfit (read: jeans and holey, transparent tanktop, sans bra) when the mailman had to knock on the door to deliver something (I don’t remember what). WHy? Why? Why then?
I know, right? My guy rings and leaves, and I will open the door and wave only if I am presentable. Otherwise I wait until he leaves before get the box.
Dana, you don’t know how much I needed this. Lately I’ve been feeling like I have little value as a SAHM – I mean, those mothers who work do everything I do with less time! Why do I still feel so overwhelmed and exhausted? Thank you for showing me that I’m not the only one out there struggling in Hell’s Kitchen, forever running an Amazing Race to keep my family on track. Great post!
Thanks, Julia. It’s easy to feel that we’re not enough, but we are. We are just super tired!
Love all of these, especially the yoga pants and the dirty jobs! My boys are four and I see the world of stinky gym bags in my future!
Oh yes, I see it too, Jill. And I know for a fact that unattended gym bags grow mold.
This is such a fun post! I am racking my brain trying to figure out what the reality show of my life would be but really my life is more of a Soap Opera. The things that happen are just too funny and unbelievable the words “staged” would come out of every reviewers mouth if we tried to make it to reality TV.
Well then you must have lots of blog fodder! You could just call it The Shae Show. I would watch! I like funny and unbelievable.
But I COULD smell it over the internet because I just know!!! It’s not mixing well with my decaf. LOL! A couple birthday’s ago I took a picture of my birthday breakfast which was a bowl of M&Ms and Pepsi in a wine glass. I was so thrilled about it too. I love The Internet has Talent! Our town has become seriously small when our UPS guy is Christopher’s assistant basketball coach from a few years ago. We see him a lot during basketball season, therefore I’ve eased up on timing Zappos shipments when my husband isn’t going to be home. I can just imagine the conversation, “Man your wife gets a lot of boxes from Zappos.”
Yes, you really don’t want to know your UPS guy in “real life.” I like to keep the mystery alive with mine. My mailman too, because some packages come via US Mail. He’s not a Bachelor candidate though. And the smell – I know you know. Yuck.
“Stay At Home Mom”
The hardest, most underrated, satisfying (sometimes!) job in the Universe!!
xx Happy Weekend, Dana.
Happy weekend to you too, Kim. Your comments always make me smile. <3
This is cracking me up and making me feel a lot better. Since the boys will be in school ALL DAY next year, I’ve been contemplating exactly what that means for me and what I should do. After reading this I’m thinking that maybe I can just keep on doing what I’m doing! After all, my days fly by and my to-do list is never ending. As for my reality show? Keeping Up with the Twins! Good luck, because I can’t.
The days will fly by, Allie. I do try to get all the errands done while they are at school, so our weekends are ours. I know working moms have to cram that in during the evenings and weekends. Keeping Up with the Twins – if anyone can do it, you can. Maybe.
great post and I think moms are the hardest on other moms. There still seems to be jealousy and confusion about what the other mom does in some circles. Working moms, Work at home moms, Stay at Home moms all work hard, we just work hard differently. I was never meant to be a stay at home mom, though I do relish the days I am home alone. Being a mom is tough, but a wonderful joy. I don’t have the stress of morning buses, but I get the stress of afternoon pickup, bringing him to karate, dinner rush and packing lunches for the next day.
You are right, Karen – we all work hard. Why judge one another?
AWESOME!! I’m so totally psyched you linked up for FTSF, and well, glad to know that my image of you eating M&Ms all day wasn’t right (KIDDING). You know though, I think that in many ways, stay-at-home-mommying takes more time. I mean, I work part-time, which gives me a total out for doing all of the “do’s.” But I think the commitment to staying at home, and being there for the Big Stuff actually takes more time, if that makes sense. GAH this is a dumb comment. Tucker’s been home sick since 11:30 though and hubs had to get him because I was farish away and well, yeah… this is a dumb comment. But I hope you know what I mean and thank you again for linking up!!
No comment is a dumb comment, and I do know what you mean. Hope Tucker is feeling better soon – why do kids always get sick right before the weekend?
I know the feeling well of being home and getting the kids up and out to school in the morning is definitely a challenge. And by the way my UPS guy is always asking me for the latest product review updates as he delivers all my product review packages and definitely is curious about all I get delivered from him 😉
That’s funny, Janine. I’m embarrassed by how often he comes to my door, especially this time of year. But I do lots of online shopping in lieu of braving the stores! It’s cold and crowded out there.