Swimsuit season is almost upon us. It’s the dark side of summer for many women, particularly once Father Time starts conspiring with gravity.
Despite inevitable aging, I am generally comfortable with my middle aged body. To be more specific, I am generally comfortable in my fully clad middle aged body.
A swimsuit covers roughly the same amount of skin as underwear. This is not fully clad, unless you’re a stripper. While a one-piece or a tankini hides the midriff, the fabric is so tight that you might as well be baring it. There is no sumptuous material skimming over rolls and bumps, and no blousing out the top to hide the two-pack abs.
And this is where I get uncomfortable. I wear underwear UNDER my clothes. I would never go out in public in just my bra and panties.
(Panties – I hate that word. It’s on the list with moist and slacks as words that make me throw up a little in my mouth. Yet “underwear” refers to all undergarments, and I needed to differentiate between bottom garments and top garments. So panties it is. Eeeww.)
So I would never go out in public in just my bra and pa**ies (now it looks like I wrote pasties, which I would not wear in public either). Yet I am expected to wear the equivalent of these garments on the beach and at the pool.
In a classic Brady Bunch episode, wise man Mike Brady advised his daughter Jan to combat the public speaking nerves by picturing her audience in their underwear. Imagining people in their skivvies would make them seem less intimidating, he said, and she would have the confidence to kick ass in her debate.
Big sister Marcia also took his advice, and pictured her driving instructor in his underwear too. It made her laugh, relax, and ace the test.
Would Marcia Brady giggle at me if she imagined me in a swimsuit that is practically underwear? Probably. I always thought she was a mean girl underneath her Miss Perfect exterior. So why would I wear one? Why risk the humiliation?
Because it’s hot at the beach and at the pool, and there is comfort in numbers. If everyone is walking around in their underwear, I am much less conspicuous. Unless I have a wedgie. That’s cute when you’re a toddler, but much less cute when you’re me.
So I will reluctantly embrace the dark side of summer. I will slather on the sunscreen, don my swimsuit-that-feels-like-underwear, and top it off with a floppy hat and sunglasses. Then I will sprawl on a lounge chair under a tree and lose myself in a good book.
And hope that bathing dresses come back in style.
I wear a bikini because I’m a sun whore. Yes. I love me some sun. Yes. I am vain in that I don’t like my tummy whiter than the teeth in Hollywood.
Didn’t Beyoncé and Taylor Swift rock out in some older styled bathing suits like the one Marilyn Monroe wore in that famous picture of hers on the beach?
Anyways, this post brought the funny I so desperately needed this morning 🙂
I’m so happy I brought you some funny! Beyonce and Taylor could rock a potato sack and look fabulous; unfortunately that doesn’t work for me.
haha, dana, i never really thought about it. so true, though. that wearing a swimsuit is equivalent to wearing your undies and bra in public. very strange. i’m all about one-piece swimsuits and covering up my bottom with a skirt or shawl.
Me too, Catherine! I do like a tankini, though. Much easier to take on and off!
I’m with you!
Bring back the swimming “dress.”
Today, if you get the suit with a little skirt, it only covers the swimsuit bottom part which is absolutely no help whatsoever. I would love to have a pretty suit with a flirty skirt that reaches another 4 or 5 inches below the bottom.
Now see, if I was handy with a sewing machine, I could make one. Hmmmm..
darlene 🙂
I wouldn’t even try – I can barely thread a needle!
BWAH HA HA HA!!! You TOTALLY nailed it Dana! All of it. The fabric. The trying to find one that covers enough skin. Three cheers to the return of the swim dress!! Let’s start that movement!!-Ashley
We can try, Ashley, but I have a feeling we won’t get very far…
I’ve heard MANY women admit they hate the word PANTIES.
I ‘m not one of them!
However– I shiver with disgust when I hear the word “Vajaja or Crotch.”
We all have our quirks, I guess. x
Eew – crotch is yucky too. Yes, we have our quirks – my entire family giggles whenever someone says the word “balls.” We’re classy like that.
This was really funny, especially the pasties part. I just went to the beach today and figured it’s early enough in the season so I’m just wearing shorts and a tank. Not ready to bare it all just yet.
It’s too cold! To me, the perfect beach weather is shorts and a sweatshirt. Thank goodness I don’t live in Miami.
It would be so much easier if bathing dresses came back in style 🙂
It really would, although I’d have even less motivation to ease up on the chocolate!
LOL! I think it’s hilarious that we can wear “bathing suits” on the beach or else wear, but can’t on the streets. Same with guys. I don’t want to see them in their bathing suits not on the beach! Happy Sunday!
Exactly – no shirt, no shoes, no service is there for a reason! Thanks for reading, April – hope you’ve had a great weekend!
Hahahaha! Dana, you never cease to make me laugh. I totally get what you mean though. I honestly don’t understand this aspect of our modern culture. For me, modesty just doesn’t change with the seasons, so I actually don’t do the beach or pool where there will be others there outside of hubby. I’m comfortable in what I look like in my under garments and in a bathing suit, but only comfortable enough to wear that when it’s just me and him.
And you do what you’re comfortable doing – sounds good to me! I’m more comfortable in a cover up, so that’s what I wear most of the time.
Oh I like the concept of Finish this Sentence Friday! I might have to join in sometime 🙂 I think bathing dresses are awesome! I agree, I often think it’s odd to wear a bathing suit when it does cover just as little as underwear does (especially when around someone like my brother).
You’re smart to don the sunglasses and hat for sure! I need to remember sunblock more often :\
You should join us, Christy! FTSF was my very first blog hop, and how I found my tribe. Feel free to email me if you want any more info or to chat about it. And yes- wear sunblock all the time!! Sorry, I’m a bit obsessed with sunscreen. Too many mole biopsies to take any chances.
Dana, come and live in Scotland, and then all your problems will be solved. The only time we wear swimsuits here is when we go swimming. It’s far too cold to prance around in one! Even in summer.
Sounds perfect!
So here is my thing – my boys see me in my swim suits (bikinis) all the time and that is fine but they freak out if they walk in my room/bathroom while I’m getting ready and have on my underwear!!
Glad you are putting your swim suit on and enjoying summer!
That’s funny, Kim – I guess it’s all about what is socially acceptable. And boys are weird 🙂
First, your post made me laugh and I needed a good laugh today. Second, I had a tanking while we lived in Tampa and it was all fine, cool and dandy until I went into the pool actually. Then when I got out my tummy got cold…. and stayed cold. I hate when that happens.
I prefer one piece whenever I can get one, but I am not too fond of going to the beach anyway. I should do a post about my husband’s shock with Croatian beaches 😀
Glad I could give you a good laugh, Ana Lynn. And yes, you should do that post – I want to know!
Hilarious Dana! And I remember that Brady Bunch episode. I’m sure you look better than you give yourself credit for. I am very thankful for the proliferation of the tankini – all the ease of a two piece, without the trauma of revealing the stretch marks of four pregnancies. (Let me mention here that child #3 weighed 10 1/2 pounds at birth. Lots of stretch marks.) Be bold, my friend.
Now, can we get an age/ weight limit established for bikinis? I’d like that.
I would like that too, although there is a part of me that thinks if you’re confident, go for it! I do see people on the beach sometimes and think, “If they can wear that, so can I…” but then I remember that I have no interest in baring that much!
HaHaHa!!! I grew up calling them bra and panties, but when I went off to college I was corrected by the other girls saying they should be called bras and underwear. I thought underwear covered both items, but they said no, it’s just the bottoms… They laughed at the word panties, too; and since I don’t like to be made fun of, I quickly started calling them underwear. I silently giggle at those college memories whenever my mom refers to “underwear” as panties. 🙂
I rocked my bikini until I turned 50, and it’s been all downhill since then. Literally!
But wearing one until you were 50 is pretty damn awesome! It’s no coincidence that the ladies who are confidently rocking bikinis are runners…
I love going to the pool but my delicate Irish skin does not like the sun so my bathing suit rarely sees the light of day. While sitting on a lounge chair, in the shade, I am clothed in my full length, long sleeved, hooded, SPF 50 cover-up. I have a towel over my feet and a hat on my head. Quite the look… Needless to say, my husband and kids sit on the other side of the pool.
I would be sitting right next to you, Mo! And your family may make fun of you, but you are really being smart and keeping that skin youthful and healthy 🙂
I tried wearing those bathing suit skirt bottoms, but I felt 80 years old. I did find and fall in love with a suit that has shorts for a bottom. And a halter top. I hate walking around in a bathing suit, but living in the country, going to the public pool, I know nobody is looking at me. They are admiring each other’s ink.
A friend’s son was in his first day of college, and the English teacher asked which words completely offended them. Three words were chosen by the class. Moist was one of them.
You made me snort out my coffee with the ink line, Christine! And a friend posted a link to a buzzfeed article about why moist is such a hated word, so evidently the feeling is universal.
HATERS OF THE P WORD UNITE! *fist bump* makes me cringe. Every time.
This is so funny, Dana, cuz just yesterday I was perusing the Title 9 catalogue for this year’s suit (I can’t use last year’s cuz, well, it no longer fits…) and I was looking at tankinis and thinking, what’s the point? They’re so tight they show everything anyway. pfft. I might as well just go out in board shorts and a tank top because it would actually fit my needs and I’d feel so much better. I might actually have fun at the beach instead of hiding under the giant umbrella. 🙂
Exactly – I have a shorts/top swimsuit combo from Athleta and it is the one I’m most comfortable in. It’s not the greatest when it’s wet because the legs get clingy, but I barely step foot in the water anyway.
Bathing dresses coming back in style would be a dream come true!!
I have a suit that is shorts/halter tankini top. That works pretty well for me too.
This is hilarious Dana! Panties – EEEEEW! Like moisture. And niche is one of those words for me, too. Bleh. My ex called underpants ‘dwears (from underwear) which I quite like. Feel free to borrow it. I hear you re: the pool. I do always feel better though when there are people way fatter than me walking around looking like they’re confident in their rolls and bulges.
I do too, although I feel horrible saying that. It’s a confidence thing, though – if you have the confidence to walk around in a swimsuit, then go for it. No matter what you body looks like!
Best invention ever: The beach cover up. I swear a woman in her 40’s invented it. If only you could use it for swimming!
I’ve seen swim “dresses” in catalogs, but I can’t imagine that much fabric is going to be comfortable when it’s sopping wet. And then it clings to everything…
I love that episode of the Brady Bunch, even though it didn’t help me with my fear of public speaking at all, and it’s hilarious I referenced The Brady Bunch in my post today too. It’s a show that obviously had a huge impact on our generation.
I love that bathing suit, and also have a similar picture on mine. I could not find those to order anywhere on the internet much to my chagrin 🙁
I just read yours – we were totally on the same wavelength! Yours was funnier though, with better pictures. If I find a site to order that old time suit, I’ll let you know.
Ugh, bathing suit shopping can be the worst!!! I actually have a post scheduled for next week on how to shop for swimwear without totally losing your self-esteem, haha. Today’s most popular styles are way too skimpy for me.
Can’t wait to read your post, Katie – I could use it! I already bought a suit since we are going to the beach, but I’m ready to shop for a few more cute cover ups.
What’s with the “panties” hate? I love that word. I can’t understand the issue people have with it.
As for swimsuits, I hear you. I am currently embracing the retro trend because it offers for coverage and makes it look like I have boobs.
Sorry, Sarah, I just don’t like the word. I have no reason. The retro trend sounds good to me – I assume you’re not going as far retro as the picture in the post? More pin-up retro would be cool.
Yep, the old swimsuit summertime blues. I know them well. Loved your description of how you handle them. Cover-up and a book for me too!
It’s the perfect combination, isn’t it?
HaHaHa!!! I completely agree with you – some bathing suits are even skimpier than underwear!! I hate it. And I am not comfortable in my body, away, even when I can mostly cover it up. I hate bathing suits.
Fortunately there are lots of cute cover ups out there that look just like sundresses!
Ha ha ha! This is great, Dana. After spending last weekend seeing ALL of Appalachia on display in too-small suits, I will help you bring back the bathing dress. On the flip side, and please don’t hate me for saying this, I intend to rock my bikini as long as possible. I will respect & heed the laws of physics & gravity when the time comes, but until then, bring on the two piece! 100% agree on ewww factor of panties. Bleh.
I don’t hate you at all, Nicole – I think it’s awesome that you feel great in your bikini! I admire women who can rock a two piece with confidence. It’s just not my thing, even though I know I’m not the worst looking gal out there.
Call ’em knickers and you’ll sound cute and English 😉
I dunno why everyone gets so het up about panties; it’s a sweet word. But then SO many people also don’t like ‘moist’ and really, to me, that speaks of the texture of the perfect cake, so….
And anyway ‘clunge’ is far worse of a word. Which, incidentally, refers to your pasty (which is what your panties are meant to hide)…so there are a couple of entirely vile British colloquialisms just to let you know that it could always be worse.
Also, am I middle aged? I have NEVER EVER been comfortable in a swimsuit. Not since school and I had a favourite swimmie I wore for an extra year because I loved it, and we went swimming as our gym class, and no-one told me til AFTERWARDS that it had gone see-through. And that was when I was about 9 and still skinny. It’s all SO much worse now.
Knickers IS cute and English-ey. And closer to the appearance of my “Grannie Pants” that I prefer to wear!
I love knickers – that’s what I’m using from now on! And no, you are not middle aged, but swimsuit discomfort runs across all age levels. It just gets harder to keep everything tucked in the older you get!
Now there’s a visual I could have done without :p
Check out those “lose 10 lbs” suits maybe? They’re aren’t so bad to wear – quite comfy once you’ve won the battle of getting them on. Laughing at your pa**ies pasties reference. I too am not fond of panties – refuse to say it and always sub in “underpants.” May make me sound 72 however I don’t care.
Underpants is only slightly better than panties, Kelly. Clearly I have some issues with undergarment vocabulary in general. I’m going with “knickers” from now on.
Knickers it is! I shall no longer get my own in a knot when contemplating an alternative to p**ties.
Ha!! I hate the word “pa*ties” too! And I’m not taking about parties or pasties. My mom and sister can’t handle it at all.
Swimsuits are an endless battle for me. Swim parties in 8th grade were torture because I didn’t really enjoy any bodily changes until college.
I still have a chip on my shoulder about that, even though I have since nourished two children with this body!
And then the girls who develop really early have their own issues – adolescence is just a tough time all around. I’m amazed by the girls who strut around the pool in their teeny weeny bikinis, without a shred of self-doubt. That was never me, but more power to them!
Dana, this made me giggle! I too wish the more modest styles would come back (but not as modest as your picture!). I just hope whatever I’m reading makes me for get I am laying out in public in my underwear/pasties/bathing suit!
Exactly! Reading is a great distraction. Glad I made you giggle 🙂
Oh dear Lord please don’t show up at the pool in pasties….and yes! I am with you on these old swimsuits. Even thkugh women risked drowning in them from the weight who gives a rip?? I rarely actually get IN the water. So count on me to join this reprise in fashion (although be forewarned I am also trying to bring the Pajama Jean in to socially acceptable status).
Warning heeded. 🙂 I rarely get in either, which is why a cover up is my best friend. At least those are like real clothes…
You just brought me back with that classic episode of The Brady Bunch and now I want to sit and watch reruns of it! But seriously, love how you plan on spending the summer and definitely made me smile with your above description 🙂
Aren’t all of the episodes classic? I used to watch it when I nursed Gwen in the middle of the night – it was on Nick at Nite. It kept me awake!
Oh my, I am on the floor laughing. First of all I hate the word panties. It’s downright awful and makes me blush. Not much makes me blush. Also, I’ve always worn a one piece because I’m curvy and fleshy and think a two piece would embarrass those with me. However, one piece suits are almost worse. You’re right, there’s no give and everything is so tight and on display. Disgusting. We have a pool so I’m forced to live in a suit all summer long. Plus I gained ten pounds over the winter. Thankfully Target has lots of cover ups at the ready.
Yes, cover ups are my best friend! I’ve decided to treat myself to a few, since my swimsuit rarely sees the light of day.