One could argue that the entire decade was one huge hair incident, but I have something specific in mind…
“For someone so smart, you don’t have much common sense,” my mom used to tell me.
She’s right. Or she was right. I’d like to think that motherhood has boosted my common sense, while simultaneously sucking out my brain matter.
The Red Tights Incident of the Seventies comes to mind immediately, followed by the Hair Incident of the Eighties. Both occurred when no one else was around. Left to my own devices, I made bad choices.
The Hair Incident took place on the night of my first prom, a night that should have been my Cinderella moment. My Gunne Sax dress was a dream – yards of pale yellow satin that shined like my adolescent t-zone. I rolled my hair in my mother’s hard pink curlers, the same ones that I used for my horrid housewife Halloween costume only a few years before. I stroked iridescent eye shadow onto my lids, waiting impatiently for the curlers to do their magic.
Minutes before my boyfriend was due to pick me up, I removed the pink tubes and used my fingers to arrange the curls. I pulled one side up into a bobby pin, tucking some baby’s breath in just to look fancy. As I fastened the strand of pearls around my neck, I realized that a few dozen pieces of hair were an inch or two longer than the rest.
They were longer because they had not curled. I had a clump of straight hair hanging down below all my curls, and my date was ringing the doorbell. The night was a disaster; the world was ending. I bit my lip to stop the tears that would ruin my perfectly applied Maybelline Shine Free mascara.
What the hell was I going to do? I didn’t have time to recurl the misbehaving hair. I’d have to cut it.
I snipped the hair to the same length as the rest of my ‘do, but I could still see the straight strands peeking through.
So I used my common sense, and cut the hair at my scalp.
Problem solved! I slipped my sheer stockinged feet into my fabric heels, which were dyed the exact yellow shade as my dress, and gracefully wafted down the stairs to greet my date. His boutonniere was pinned, my corsage snapped around my wrist, and we headed to prom.
I used Sally Hansen bleaching creme on my arm hair, because that always ends well.
A week or two later, I felt a strange fuzzy lump on the top of my head. Only then did I realize my mistake. I was a straight A student, but I was completely clueless as to the growth cycle of human hair. When you cut a bunch of hair at the top of your head, it will grow straight up until it’s long enough to fall to the side. Duh.
As the fuzz grew into a mini mohawk, I looked like a cross between Pebbles Flintstone and Mr. T. Fortunately side parts were in fashion, and I wore a comb over until the hair was long enough to smash down with Dippity Do. And I never put my hair in curlers again.
HAAaahaaa.
-the 80s is my all time fave decade.
BIG HAIR.
Lots of lipstick.
Too much wasn’t enough.
So FUN)))!!!!!
It’s all fun until a teenager goes crazy with the curlers and the scissors…
OMG, I would’ve done the same thing. And as others have said, I too have gone too far with tweezers and gray hairs.
Yes, overtweezing is a hazard too…I can’t recall doing that though. I stuck with cutting and bleaching.
Oh, come on, Dana!! Where are the pictures!?! I could totally see my daughter doing something like this. She’s incredibly bright, but no so much with the common sense!
No photos, Rabia – there was no way I was documenting that mess for all eternity!
Oh no! This was possibly the best post I’ve read today. I’m sorry you had to live through that, but definitely appreciate the laugh. We all go through those moments when we don’t have much common sense. And these days, those are the moments I’m grateful for a nice hot curling iron!
Amen! Or a straightening iron. Or a baseball cap.
But look at what an amazing blog post it made!! 😀
Loved the take on the prompt!! I joined (ah! So late!!) mainly because I don’t think I can rise to this standard, but I’ll try!!
No standard, Roshni – just write! We are an easy going group.
Do you have any photos?? I need to see them. I can understand not, though.
The dress is a dream, by the way.
I used to curl my bangs up to the ceiling!
Absolutely no photos! And my mom only vaguely remembers – I keep it on the down low.
LOL…I must admit I did the same thing as a school kid.
Getting ready for school, and did not have time to plait my hair well, but did it anyways. Result: very sloppy and hair were sticking out from everywhere. I did not think about the future…just the present thus, took the scissors and cut off all the hair that were sticking out.
That evening when I was about to go to bed. I realized my stupidity 🙁
Ah, you lacked the common sense too, Ruchira – I’m sorry! It did seem like a good idea at the time though.
That is one amazing dress Dana! The bleaching cream on the arm hair cracked me up – been there my friend. Have dabbled with curlers and dare I even say perms? Ack. Great nostalgia in this piece.
Thanks, Lisa! I had a perm for most of high school, but I wanted soft curls for the prom. I should have left my hair alone.
Very funny!! But creative. I think that the moral of the story is that you think very well on your feet. Maybe not very far into the future (I have to admit that I would not have thought of shaving my scalp), but you managed to make it through a very important night for you.
Plus, I hear that Dippity Do is good for the soul. 😉
Who knew? And I appreciate you taking away a moral that makes me sounds less idiotic – I think on my feet, that’s for sure. Whether I think clearly is another issue.
Ha ha! love the t-zone line!
Thanks, Ali. Seriously, that dress was so slippery and shiny, I could have dove into a swimming pool and the dress would come out totally dry.
It’s amazing what we’ll do to ourselves!!! Great visual. On a side note, Mr. T was really freaking cool.
He was, wasn’t he? No one rocked a mohawk like he did.
Oh, this is so funny and something I would totally do! I’m the kind of girl who dyes her hair black then tries to go blonde… at home. That was an expensive fix.
I bet it was!
I had to have curlers ONCE, when I was a bridesmaid, and I looked like a pig in a wig – a great big fat child with fat ugly hair and a grumpy face. It was vile.
And this one time, my dad used his electric clippers to shave a chunk out of the front of my hairline, right in the middle. Because he could, and he thought it was funny. I had antennae for WEEKS. Dead embarrassing.
That’s horrible, Lizzi – I’m so sorry you had to endure that. Oh, the trials we go through with our hair.
Ha! Sorry, but I laughed all the way through this one! I never cut my hair, but have definitely made some fashion mistakes in my time!
Don’t be sorry…I wanted you to laugh! It makes it all worth it.
I FINALLY quit fighting my curls and turned my kid sister loose on my hair. a small fortune and 3 hrs later, i am in love with them and am committed to keeping the cut, color and highlights just the way she did them because they are PERFECT. (everyone thinks i got a perm or actually sat down with a curling iron..um, 4 kids and i’m a klutz..no curling irons in this house, just a crap load of product) you are hysterical by the way.
Thanks, Jessica! Ironically, my hair is now naturally curly, and I embrace it too. That, and I’m usually too lazy to spend time blowing it out.
The things we do for our hair! Perms, curlers, and short haircuts…I’ve never had one that I haven’t questioned my sanity later. 🙂
Oh, I know. Don’t forget the crimping iron…I can’t believe they still make those.
I survived childhood without cutting my own hair. I survived the 80s without ever dying a pair of shoes. I’ve barely lived!
Tell me about it – how did you get through that decade? You must have been wild in the nineties. 🙂
OMGoodness so many memories of the 80s you brought back! The things we do. For my prom, I let my mom do my hair and she only knew how to do her big ol’ 50s beehive hair and then slap a bow on the back to make it more current fashion! At least I didn’t have to have anything grow out and I think I have hidden all the pictures (I hope!) You have some awesome memories!
It’s funny how the memories surface as I write…the looking at the photo helped too!
BWAHAHAHAHA!!!! Oh girl… the way you described the eighties is PERFECT!!! And that hair cutting problem solving moment was priceless!! I literally laughed OUT LOUD.
In college, I permed my already sun in soaked blonde hair… the chemicals reacted to my sun in, and I was left with wet noodles. Seriously. Fried noodles. Awesome.
I took a bit longer to grow that frazzled spiraled mess out.
Oh, I bet! At least mine was only a relatively small portion of my head. Anytime you’d like to share a photo of your fried noodles, please do!
Oh my gosh! You cut your hair to the scalp? I’m dying.
My mother made me sleep in those pink curlers every time she washed my hair. I hated them, and she would part my bangs in the middle and put a curler on either side. It was hideous. I will never put my daughter through that kind of sleepless torture.
Those curlers were so hard – I can’t imagine sleeping in them! The curl on either side sounds like Jan Brady’s hairstyle when she was older – remember that? Or am I showing my geek side by admitting I know the Brady hairstyles so well?
OMG…that is awesome! Isn’t it amazing what we thought were such big issues when we were young? I remember cutting my own bangs in my early twenties. Now I have super curly hair, and after I cut them they dried and shrunk and didn’t even reach my eyebrows. I was so stupid then.
Oh no – you must have been horrified! It would never have occurred to me that my hair would shrink up when it dried.
Dana!!!! That is so funny. I did something similar with my bangs – when I was in elementary school! I guess you can blame it on prom stress:). I love you dress, by the way. Very tasteful for the eighties.
Thank you, Allie. I didn’t bring the matching parasol. 😉
Ohmigosh! That is hilarious! Do you have a picture of the “aftergrowth?”
No…I was not going to document that! I had no idea I’d write about it twenty+ years later.
I love you, D! You make me laugh until tears roll down over my Maybelline Shine Free mascara!! The best part is as I read your story I hear it told in your own voice and it makes me smile. I must now go and put on my Jessica McClintock dressed and get ready to go to work. Thanks for starting my day off right!
It makes me so happy to read this, Amy – I love making you laugh!
That was hilarious Dana. Love all the 80s references. The dumb thing I did was SHAVE my arm hair. It was so nice and smooth until it wasn’t.
Ha – I bet prickly arms was not the look you were going for!
OMG I’m dying over here!!! There were so many zingers: “yards of pale yellow satin that shined like my adolescent t-zone” HA! And so many references I remember from high school – Dippity Do, dying your shoes to match your dress, Gunne Saks, Maybelline Shine Free Mascara – what a trip! And oh yes, the perfectly placed baby’s breath. Gotta love it. Thanks for the laughs this morning 🙂
The t-zone one is my favorite 🙂 I think I used Sea Breeze astringent to combat the oiliness.
Oh no, haha! It’s amazing what makes sense in the moment and then later you realize was just so so wrong. I once cut a piece of hair just to try it and then hid the piece under my couch. My mom later found it (because, hello, why didn’t I just throw it in the garbage like a normal person) and was less than thrilled. My sister did something similar — she had her hair in a ponytail and there was a bump at the top. Rather than fixing her ponytail she just cut off the hair at the bump. I’m not quite sure how she hid it, but I know my mom was even less thrilled with her!
My kids hide trash under the couch because they are too lazy to put it in the trash. Cutting off the bump? That must have been so hard to hide!
So so funny. Man I needed this today. I think this happened to me too. My moms favorite line to me was the common sense one. ..hilarious that both danas were getting that one handed to them. Q just recently cut her hair and it is growing just like you described. ..I guess the common sense thing is genetic.
I suppose it is…my kids have done a few things that made me slap my forehead in astonishment. I think Gwen cut her hair once too, but I don’t remember. I’m sure she does though!
Dana! Laughing so hard (and I haven’t laughed all day so thank you!). I felt like I was watching a brilliant SNL skit while reading this.
I have never been scissors-happy, but at age 5 or 6 my sister once cut a chunk out of her luscious thick hair and then showed me the evidence she tried to hide… in the toilet. Oh to be young again! I do like that shade of yellow… 🙂
It’s funny – pale yellow is NOT a good color for me, but I didn’t realize that back then. My dress the next year was teal with black polka dots.
And I would like Tina Fey to come back to SNL and star as me in that skit…
On a lovely Spring night not unlike tonight, my mother heard a happy little ditty emanating from my bedroom. I was six and supposed to be long asleep. She stormed in and found me singing “Cinderella and her two step scissors …” In my right hand was a pair of scissors and in my left a huge clump of hair. I was marched into the hairdressers at the crack of dawn to have the hair evened out. Can you say pixie cut?
Your prom dress was stunning. Love it.
Step scissors? Why have you not written a post about this?
LOL!!! So when I was 8 (not to rub it in – I was an early bloomer), I wanted to see what I looked like with then forbidden bangs, and so I cut them. I loved them and then realized I’d be in a world of sh#t, and so cut them at the scalp. Nobody noticed until we were at the grocery store and the stupid clerk asked something and my mom was like WTF and yeah. So that. Also every time I cut my bangs, I regret it. And yet, I still do it. Did, 4 months ago and still waiting for acceptable results.
Kristi I found the most wonderful ‘Instructable’ for cutting bangs. Don’t know how you do it, but straight across is never the way if you want them to do anything else. Let me know before you are ready to cut them again. 😉
Oh, that must have taken FOREVER to grow back in! I haven’t had bangs in years – they just don’t work with curly hair.
I got to admit I never cut my hair but a few years back I found a patch of grey hair on the top of my head. Well let’s just say tweezers and too much plucking have the same effect. Lesson learned and thank god my hair did grow back in. Now I just faithfully dye my hair!
Yes, I’ve been over zealous with the tweezers too, Janine! Dying seems safer.