On a Thursday night in 1992, I was standing in the basement of a bar, chatting with friends while drinking the cheapest beer on tap. The conversation was all over the place, and eventually turned to the subject of catching your parents doing you-know-what. My traumatized friends shared that awful moment when they walked in on their parents doing something their children believed they only did once or twice. Or seven times. I went to a Catholic college; there were lots of big families.
I wanted to cover my ears and chant, “I can’t hear you, I can’t hear you,” but I was paralyzed with horror. Fortunately, I had never experienced this traumatic moment, so I can tell you this story without vomiting.
Walking in on your parents – that’s just something you shouldn’t have to know. And once you know about it, you wish you could un-know it. While I was mercifully spared such knowing, there are plenty of other horrible, terrible things that I would love to erase from my brain.
1. How to unclog a shower drain with a screwdriver and a strong gag reflex.
2. How to get dog diarrhea out of the carpet without it touching my hands.
3. What the butt crack of the salesman in Home Depot looks like. Why did I have to ask about an item that was on the bottom shelf?
4. The words to pretty much every One Direction song.
5. What the girl I knew for five minutes in high school is making for dinner. Thanks, Facebook.
6. What the inside of the Hamilton, New Jersey metro station looks like. No offense to Hamilton, but I was in the metro station with my husband, two children, and the entire contents of my minivan after it died (permanently) on the turnpike en route to New York City.
7. My credit card number, plus the security code, by heart. Actually, I don’t mind that I know it, I just wish my husband didn’t know I know it. It’s indicative of lots of online shopping.
8. What happens to a woman’s boobs after nursing two kids.
9. That there are approximately 10 calories in a single m&m. Which sucks, considering that I can easily polish off ten in a mouthful. And eat multiple mouthfuls. You do the math.
10. How to remove lice and their eggs (called nits, another thing I wish I didn’t know) from the head of an eight year old girl with long hair. Are you scratching yet? You’re welcome.
Dana – you live in Jersey?! I’m not too far from Hamilton! (and you’re right – the metro station is gross) I wish I didn’t know what happens when kids eat too much hot sauce, white castle and jalepeño poppers. yeah. This is hilarious!
No, Linda – my minivan died on the turnpike near Hamilton. We were headed to NYC for a few days with the kids. We were towed to a mechanic, caught a cab to the metro, and took it into the city. My van was buried in New Jersey 🙁 And I do NOT want to know what happens when kids eat too much of that stuff. Can’t be good, I’m sure.
Okay, ALL of these, but particularly, #’s 1, 5, and 8. I haven’t had to go through those methods of unclogging my drain yet, but I’m thinking it will be soon. That damn thing is starting to slow-drain again. And number 5–laughed out loud at that! #8–I never breastfed, but I have several friends who have. And so many want to show off boobs after breastfeeding! But I have to say that they put up with a lot of other stupid sh*t from me, so I’ll give them a pass for that. Haha
Yeah, I was not looking to show those babies off. More like pad them and boost them. Sigh.
Oh man, have to agree with you on the dog diarrhea (I have two dogs, so you can imagine) and have to agree 100% about One Direction…….but, ah well, That’s What Makes Them Beautiful! LOL!
Nicely played, Michelle 🙂
Love #5 about Facebook! Unfortunately, if I had to include Facebook in a list like this the title would be “A Zillion Things I Wish I Didn’t Know.” Unfortunately, Facebook seems to be my drug of choice for procrastination!
It is so good for procrastination, isn’t it? Twitter is pretty bad too. Like I needed something else to distract me!
Loved this list. Found your blog through your interview with Michelle. I wish I didn’t know about 99.9% of what my sister posts on Facebook.
Ha – she’s an oversharer, huh? That’s funny, although more for me than for you. Thanks for stopping by, Dawn!
I made it through the dog diarrhea (done it), drain (worst nightmare) and so on, but you got me at the lice. I officially gagged/wretched. Bleeeecccchhhhh!!!!! 🙂
Sorry, Deb. That was a particularly gross post. I promise that most are much classier.
This was hilarious Dana. I’ve had some #3 moments and there’s a whole list of things I wish I didn’t know what they tasted like. I sure didn’t need to know that M&M’s were 10 calories each! WHAT?!
I hope you’re doing well!
The shower de-clogging made me gag (something I also wish I didn’t know) and yes, the lice one made my head itch. Especially because my husband (who works in an urgent care) came home and said he had two kids come in with lice that day. :-/
Yuck. I itch each time someone comments on the lice. I’d rather de-clog a shower than de-lice a head – anyday!
Number 7 I am totally there with you. On number 8 – I wish I couldn’t relate at all. Sadly, ugh, I know it all too well. I now understand why some moms get boob jobs. LOL!
At least we can easily buy good bras online with our memorized credit card number!
I wish I didn’t know how to get lice out of my own long hair after I “caught” them from my children (both boys – whose heads I could shave). I actually begged my husband to let me shave my head, but instead it took 3 months to get rid of the little buggers!!
Oh no! You’re the first mom I’ve heard of who got lice from their kids – and boys no less! I’m so sorry – that had to have sucked big time. May the little buggers never come back.
another one I wish I didn’t know how to get cat vomit out of a carpet.
Sounds lovely! Why can’t our pets (and our kids, for that matter), just take it outside?
Unfortunately I know about a lot of these things too. I dread my son getting lice.
I hope it never happens to you (or your son)!
Oh the boobs!!! Yep the girls will never look or be in the same position ever, ever again. I’m with you there. We have three dogs and trust me I have been in the diarrhea or vomit clean up duty one to many times. Yuck! This post had me cracking up. I started to write a comment earlier and got pulled away. Thank you for linking up with us at Wine’d Down Wednesday!
My pleasure Kate!
Ack! Lice! My daughter has long hair and has not had lice yet. *Knock on wood* I hope she never gets it. Yuck.
And 10 calories in ONE m&M?! Not cool. I generally eat half the bag in one sitting. And not the tiny bags either. The large ones.
They are addictive, those little discs of heaven. And I hope you are spared the agony of lice!
OMG lice. And parents having sex. I once walked in on my mom giving her much younger boyfriend (we had mutual high school friends – that’s how much younger) oral sex. There’s still a scar in my eye from it. Also? I had no idea that there were 10 calories in a single M&M. I hope I forget that nugget of info soon.
I, too, knew my cc# by heart. Until it was “compromised” and I had to get a new number. Sigh.
Eeew about your mom. I imagine that scar is pretty big. Definitely harder to forget than the number of calories in an m&m.
Stopping by from SITS – so funny! My daughter has numbed my brain with 1D, too. Thanks for sharing:)!
Thanks for stopping by, Brandie. We 1D moms have to stick together!
I wish I didn’t know #2 either! That and dog vomit. Ew!
I’m sorry you know #2. Ha – I just noticed how appropriate it is for that one to be #2! I crack myself up.
Great list Dana!! I wish I didn’t know what the back of a cab in NYC smells like on a Saturday night. BLECK. Does that count?
Absolutely – that’s a good one! I imagine it smells like my freshman dorm stairwell on a Sunday morning. Bleck is right!
I wish I didn’t know that even after 2 rounds of that colonscopy drink they give you before the procedure that I would be the one that never got ‘cleaned out’ and had an accident on the doctor.
Lol – I’m so sorry! Just like what happens to some women in labor, only worse.
My oldest got lice once. I was mortified. I shaved his head and sprayed his room then sealed it up until there wasn’t anything living in there any more. Problem solved. 😉
As for the rest. Yep…bleck!
There was an outbreak in my daughter’s grade, so no one knew who patient zero was – hence no embarrassment. I tossed all her hair bands, etc. – not taking any chances!
I LOVE topic! How do you come up with them? 4, 5 and 10 are especially funny! My neck hurts from nodding so much 😀
I just thought of things I didn’t like doing or seeing or knowing – and there you go. I’m glad you liked it – although I hope you weren’t nodding for #10!
i got really trashed one night after doing a bunch of shots for a friend’s birthday. when i got home, i immediately took a shower and “stuff” came out from every orifice of my body. it was pretty horrific. cleaning it up the next day was probably the most disgusting cleaning i’ve ever done in my life.
Ugh – that is so gross, Catherine! I hope you never, ever did those kind of shots again. I don’t know how you cleaned that up without stuff coming out all over again.
Seriously funny! Love the boob and the credit card ones!
Thanks, Leah. Sad but funny. The boobs, not the credit card.
I am just going to live in permanent denial about the m&m thing, because that’s just not fair!
That’s what I do, Sarah. Denial is working pretty well for me, how about you?
I’m impressed with your list! I couldn’t for the life of me come up with more than two… haha.
I wish I didn’t know or care which McD’s in my town have the large coke’s in styrafoam cups. And two, I can’t even think of it now.. Haha.
I’m pretty sure I’ve never walked in on my parents… thankfully!
Sometimes you just get stuck on a list – this one came pretty easily to me. The first thing I thought of was walking in on parents…then the rest just came spilling out!
OMG….I just wrote a long comment and it dissapeared….crying….wtf???? crying some more.
okay…after we moved into our apartment Dino got lice…luckily we had our own washer and dryer, otherwise I don’t know how long we would have been waiting for a washer and dryer and going up and down stairs. Thank God for small miracles. we also shaved his head…thought that only works on boys.
Oh my poor boobs…thank God for SOMA bras.
My son was getting his head shaved too if he had gotten lice. Couldn’t really do that to my daughter, though. I did bundle up all her stuffed animals in a plastic bag for a few weeks until I was sure there were no more critters alive. Yuck.
I wish I knew my credit card by heart! I have the number written super tiny and hidden inside my nightstand on the most random piece of paper. My husband made fun of it endlessly right until he realized how handy it was for online shopping while laying in bed!
Well, if you used the card as much as I do you may remember it eventually!
What a great list! I also am thankful that I never had to walk in on the you-know-what with my parents and the I’m completely dismissing your suggestion that they ever engaged in such act more than myself and my two sister.
There are SO many things I wish I could un-know. Like how to strain out poop from the bathtub that won’t go down the drain.
Or what milk smells like when it’s sat in a sippy cup for two weeks. You can never unsmell that….
Huge EEEWWW on the poop! And the milk – did you know that orange juice in a sippy cup that gets lost in the car for weeks smells absolutely horrible? Can’t unsmell that either.
Oh man, this prompt could have gone lots of very depressing ways. I’m glad you kept it funny-ish. I too wish I could erase a lot of those same memories. Do we shop at the same Home Depot? 🙂
Eew on the butt crack and dog diarrhea! Gross! I do know all too well what the boobs of a mom look like after nursing two kids. I want my back. Its sad sad indeed!
Yes, it’s so sad. We should be rewarded with nice perky boobs after nurturing our children. It’s really just not fair.
Well, I didn’t know about the M&M’s until now, so thanks for that!! I actually was going to add that I wish I didn’t know that a Krispy Kreme glazed doughnut has 200 calories! 🙂 (Hey, Now the M&M’s don’t sound so bad, huh?)
Wow, that’s two handfuls of m&m’s! Glazed donuts don’t do anything for me, although if it’s sitting in front of me, all lonely and asking to be eaten, I will probably oblige.
Yes to the shower drain! So glad I’m not the only one hiding annoying people on facebook – defriending just seems too mean, they can’t help being annoying. Also thank goodness reese pieces are protein packed peanut butter … practically vitamins. Really.
Absolutely! Very yummy vitamins.
Great, funny list!
So bummed I forgot it was Listicles day until I had already posted something.
Your first one had me. It is one of the worst jobs in the entire house.
The 10 calories per m&m is so sad. I just polished off a bunch, like I do every day at lunch. Give me some good news, like there is enough protein from the nut in peanut m&ms to balance it out nutrition-wise.
Yes, there is enough protein, and there is calcium in the milk chocolate, and the orange coloring has vitamin C. 🙂
I wish I didn’t know how to do laundry in the bathtub. Because I wish our washer wasn’t broken and I wish we weren’t so broke we can’t get it fixed. 🙁
That stinks, Rabia – I’m sorry! That cannot be fun.
Yes! I wish I didn’t know many of these things too! I wish I didn’t know that mommy spiders carry their babies on their backs and if you try to kill the mommy, 50 baby spiders will immediately disperse in all directions…thereby causing a screaming frenzy.
I didn’t know that! I assume you know from experience – eeewww.
LOL’ing at all these! I know what you mean about the credit card number! :/
You too, huh? And I’m so bad at memorizing, so that tells you how much I use that card!
Thanks, my head and other places are now itchy. Hey, I just gave you one more thing you wish you didn’t know!
You’re such a giver, Kerri.
The only thing worse than walking in on your parents is HEARING your parents. OMG – still gives me the willies! That’s a bell I can’t unring…
Yuck – I’m so sorry, Ginnie. And now our kids will think the same thing about us, which leaves me slightly insulted.
How much dog poop one blue bag holds. How baby spit up feels running down your back. Today has been a gross day.
Thank you – now my head itches! I hate lice! What I would really like to un-see… nudist neighbors. Thanks for asking!
Thanks for the warning! I will never ask about something on the bottom shelf again! Great list, thanks for contributing!
It was a great topic, Heather – well done. I’m thinking reaching for something on the top shelf may be just as bad…
Question is, is that the case for regular M&Ms, Peanut M&Ms or the crunchy, biscuitty ones?
Cool list. I’m *SO* glad I’ve been spared most of it. And I so don’t care about shower hair.
Regular. I bet the others are even more calories. Which sucks.
The blue ones are best, in any flavour.
That was a great list. Funny!
Thanks, Casandra!
I guess this comes close to lice but what I wish I had never heard or seen was the 60 Minutes show that talked about bed bugs in hotels. Also, and by far not least, the visual of the twin towers collapsing. On a lighter note, I’m glad Dad and I didn’t traumatize you!
Me too! Thanks for the bed bug reference – I’m all itchy now.
Ha! The Facebook one made me laugh and spit my coffee. So true! Great list.
Sorry I made you spit out your coffee – I hope you didn’t stain anything! The coffee spill would be a status update from the annoying friend on Facebook.
I loved this list (and that you changed the title because your blog your title!).
I agree with most of your list – didn’t know about the M&Ms and thankfully about dog diarrhea.
I wish I didn’t know how many flies buzz around inside of every fast food kitchen in America (or maybe I should be glad I know so that I won’t eat there so much).
Eewww. I’ve worked in a few restaurants, and there are definitely things I wish I didn’t know about what goes on in the kitchen.
Well now I wish I didn’t know that about M&Ms!!! I want to share an M&M story too. My dad worked at their headquarters for over 30 years. His office was next to the factory that made M&Ms. Other Mars products (Twix, Snickers, etc.) were made in other factories in other states. Anyway, I wish I didn’t know how it tasted to eat M&Ms on the EXACT day they were made. Right from the vats. Because now that I know that? They never taste as good by the time they get to my mouth via store bought M&Ms. Which is weeks or months later.
Wow – that is cool! I can’t imagine them tasting any better than they already do, but I’ll take your word for it. My dad was an electrical engineer, and his office wasn’t next to anything cool. (sigh).
Oh wow- I had no idea M&Ms had so many calories! I’ll stick to pretending Skittles are a fruit.
Ha – good plan, Kate. I pretend m&m’s are dairy – they are *milk* chocolate after all.
Great list, agreed on all counts! I would like to add some of the things my very drunk friends and neighbors have confessed at parties. Hard to look at people the same way in the morning! 😉
Oh – that’s a good one, Kim!
Dog diarrhea is definitely one that can make me gag. Same with vomit. Thank goodness we have never had lice here, I am knocking on my table as I write this! I think I would lose it.
I’ll knock for you too – it was horrible.We had to cut individual strands of hair and put them in a garbage bag to make sure we got all the nits. I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy.
Bathrooms in general are nasty business but cleaning drains and toilet clogs have to be up there with some of the nastiest stuff that we do.
Agreed – especially when you have a daughter with long hair. Yuck!
Oh God, the lice one!! AAAHHH! The M&M one made me giggle…I tend to just pour the bag straight into my mouth! I wish I didn’t know about cleaning up vomit at 3:00 a.m. from a sick kid! ;)-Ashley
Getting lots of vomit comments…forgot about that one. I probably blocked it out, so thanks for reminding me 🙂
Ok, so I am thankful that I too never actually ever walk in on my parents. I know they did stuff, but thank god I didn’t have to see it with my own eyes! And I think what I real wish I didn’t have to know or see was what a diaper blow out looks like or having to clean that mess up. Seriously never s happy that my girls are potty trained, because those messes are the worst. And still wish I never had to see or cleanup vomit, but know that there will most likely be more in my future as the girls grow up now. Yuck and my stomach is turning thinking about that one for sure!!
Yummm – glad I didn’t read this comment while I was eating! I’m with you – those messes are the worst.
Ha! Those are great. And yes yes yes to the Facebook one. I think it’s time for another round of defriending!
I feel guilty for defriending just because someone is annoying, so I take the passive aggressive route and just hide all their posts. You really have to piss me off in a major way to get defriended 🙂
ARGH! Lice are the worst. We had it twice in our house and both times my dear sweet clean-freak mother-in-law happened to be visiting. She stayed away for a few years after that.
Hmm – was that lice infestation planned, Mo? 🙂 It is the worst. If my son had gotten it I would have shaved his head in a heartbeat.