I sit in the empty sanctuary as you practice your Torah portion with the rabbi. You begin chanting in your new voice, that voice that has dropped octaves in the last six months. You can’t quite find your comfort zone with this new instrument.
That voice is a man’s voice, but how can that be? Your thirteenth birthday is days away, and you have one size nine foot in childhood and the other in adulthood. Your first pair of shoes are hanging off a shelf above your bed, and I glance at them sometimes as I kiss you good night. They are such impossibly tiny shoes, for pudgy baby feet that couldn’t wait to explore the world. Now those feet are long and lean and usually smelly, and your shoes cost more than mine.
You finish reading one portion, and you catch my eye and grin. That’s my baby, the boy who always has a smile to flash or a hug to give. When we hug now, we are head to head, and I am officially the shortest member of our family. Yet I easily outweigh you; your early adolescent frame is all angles and bones. While your sister jokes about your arms looking incredibly long, I am remembering when your entire body was shorter than one lanky limb.
The rabbi sits down to listen, and you are alone on the bimah.* You look so small up there, yet you are a presence. You exhale and sigh; I can tell that this reading is a challenge for you. You will practice more at home, because you want to succeed. You have discovered over the past year that educators and other adults expect more from you as you get older, and you’ve resisted. Algebra and debate team just aren’t as fun as basketball and building forts with your friends. I’m torn between shielding you from the pressures of adolescence and preparing you for the rigors you’ll face in high school.
As you wrap up your lesson, I look around the sanctuary, envisioning it filled with family and friends on the day you become a Bar Mitzvah. I remember sitting in those pews holding you in my arms, and trying to keep you and your three year old sister occupied and quiet during services. In a few weeks I will stand beside you on the bimah, reciting the parents’ blessing over you as you become a Jewish adult.
You stride through the parking lot and hop into the passenger seat, enjoying the newly earned view from the front. The reticent and soft-spoken young man standing in the sanctuary is gone, and my self-assured and goofy boy chats with me as I navigate the windy roads home. You switch the radio station, and sing along to a song I’ve never heard. When did you learn that? I am struck by the fact that you no longer have all your new experiences with Dad or me. Such a significant part of your life is spent without us, but I remember when Mommy and Daddy were the center of your existence.
A few days pass, and I’m sitting at the kitchen table alone while you listen to music in the next room. You take off your head phones and sidle up behind me.
“Can I have a hug?” you ask, brown eyes smiling. Those eyes haven’t changed; I see all thirteen of your years in their depths.
Maybe when you are a parent you will realize how sweet those words are to hear, perhaps even sweeter than that very first word you said over twelve years ago.
“Of course you can,” I answer you, wrapping my arms around your almost-teenage shoulders and drawing you close. “You can always have a hug.”
Always, my baby.
*the elevated platform in a synagogue at which the reading of the Torah takes place
So beautiful and touching, Dana! Each day I relish Eve getting a little older, more interactive and I look forward to her developing more into a little person, but at the same time it makes me sad to think of her growing up. I think that may be one of the hardest parts about being a parent (at least what I can tell so far from my 8 1/2 months of being one!)
I think you are absolutely right, Bev. Wanting them to grow, but wanting them to stay your baby. That is one of the hardest parts of parenting, for sure.
did your teenager ask for a hug? omigosh, best teen ever!
Yep, both of my kids are affectionate – we’re a touchy feely kinda family!
Awwww, I’m so glad he’s still asking that at almost 13. Christopher asks me that all the time. Even though the hug requests aren’t always at the most opportune times, I hope he never stops asking.
Me too. I make sure I never turn down a hug – nothing I’m doing is more important than that!
“Can I have a hug?”)))
b e a u t i f u l.
I will never, ever, in a million years get sick of hugs from my boys.
xxx
Neither will I, Kim!
This is so beautiful! What a wonderful way to remember your son and also celebrate him getting older.
Hugs are the best as they get older. They are fewer and far between but when they ask for one or just reach for one you remember that no matter how old you are still their momma.
I tell him that all the time, Carla. He’ll always be my baby, no matter how big he gets.
Aww…this is so sweet. My baby is 13 too. I look and wonder where the time has gone. He still lets me hug him too. 🙂 Beautiful, Dana!
Thanks Michelle. I hope our boys always welcome hugs from their moms!
Awwww this was such a sweet post. I hope my mom felt the same way about me during my bat mitzvah prep period of life! 🙂
I’m sure she did, although I’m not always feeling so warm and nostalgic. He is a pain in the butt sometimes, but that’s part of being a kid!
Dangit, Dana!!! I’m bawling. Thanks a lot. Anyway this was a beautiful, important, and amazing post. I really related to seeing your son’s eyes through the years. Sometimes, I look at Tucker’s newly 5-yo eyes, and I see his baby face and eyes. He’s almost 48 inches. And for you – I can’t believe it’s time for the teen years so soon. Also? I love him for still needing a hug. Here’s to them ALWAYS needing one, sometimes. Because always would be weird. This post makes me want to cut back on my work hours this summer and spend more time with my newly five year old. <3
48 inches? Wow. Those eyes will always be the same to me – my baby’s eyes.
It is. I think that’s why kindergarten is such a milestone – so many hours each day spent learning without mom or dad. I know that’s the way it should be, but it’s still jarring.
Lovely. Happy Bar Mitzvah to your son! The line about him having new experiences without you really got to me. That seems so inconceivable now with a little girl about to turn four, but sometimes even this early she says something and I think, “Where’d you learn that?” And that’s so small but it’s still a step out into the greater world.
I’m more appreciative of my son’s still baby voice and simultaneously looking forward to the pride I’ll feel towards him when he becomes a young adult, like you are. Happy thirteenth birthday! Congratulations to you and your husband.
Thank you Jean!
My youngest turns 20 tomorrow. Hang on to those teenage years…..they slip by before you know it.
I’m holding on tightly…
So sweet!
My son is 12 and I’m glad he’ll still let me hug him.
Oh, I hope he still lets you for many more years!
Sigh. I had to wait a day for this one. Everything is making me cry lately. My kids turning two and five is making me cry. And people say, “Just wait until 15 and 18!” Or so on. It’s all meaningful and special. Your boy really reminds me of Des, and who he may be one day.
(when he’s done putting sand in his hair and wearing one shoe around the house. One of Scarlet’s shoes.)
Tamara, I’m a blubbery mess all of August – between both kids’ birthdays and the start of school…forget it. And with the bar mitzvah this year – I’m not sure how I’m going to keep it together. Cookies, maybe?
I’m not supposed to get teary-eyed this early in the morning, Dana! GAH.
So tender and lovely. I adore the photo of the two of you. My eldest is 10yo and I can certainly relate to this! We wear the same shoe size! When did this happen? He’s 10 going on 15. But he’s a cuddler. I love that. Boys are so affectionate. 🙂
Mine’s a cuddler too, although now he’s more of a hugger. I’ll take it!
Aw, so sweet! My baby is about to turn seven and that is hard enough to swallow. I cannot imagine how I will feel when she becomes a teenager!
August is a busy month for both of us – birthdays and growing up. I’m a mess.
Aww Dana this is so sweet. I like that I can learn a bit more about the Bar Mitzvah here because I’ve never really known how it all works. I only knew it was a Jewish tradition for the 13th birthday. He looks just like you in that picture. 🙂 I always wonder what the thoughts are on that of the parents. Perhaps he looks more like your husband or someone else? I just see just you and him right there all joyful and I see you in him for sure. 🙂
I do think he looks more like me than Matt – lucky kid.;) The bar mitzvah is a huge deal, and he’s been working really hard to learn everything. I may share some more after the day – depends on how wiped out I am!
How wonderful and sweet!
Thanks!
Excuse me, I think I have something in my eye……
Did you get it? 🙂
Oh, Dana – reading this made me cry since my “baby” is also 13. When your son came in and asked for a hug, I pretty much lost it – those are the times we treasure in our hearts for sure!!! Your son sounds like an incredible young man!!!
I think he is, Kim – thank you. I had to bite my lip to hold back the tears when he asked me for a hug – how could I ever refuse?
Oh I love this. I can relate, as well. My oldest is 13 and we just got back from a beach trip in which I realized he has really grown up – and it rattled me. But still, he’ll always be my baby.
It rattles me too, especially since he’s had a growth spurt recently – it seems like every day I hug him he’s a little taller!
I’ll join the others and say I’m soaked with tears as well! Such beautiful words, Dana. Congratulations to both of you on this milestone.
Thank you Katie. I love looking at pics of your little boy – it takes me back.
Beautiful! What a sweet boy, what a sweet post! I just loved it.
He is a sweetie – thanks, Sarah 🙂
What a beautiful sentiment Dana! I can relate to your thoughts as Cameron’s 13th is on Friday. It makes me sad that my “baby” is growing up so quickly. I also realize that I haven’t done my job as a parent if I don’t let him grow up. Catch 22!
It definitely is, Jodi. And I know you can relate – can you believe it’s been over a decade since our playgroup?
Oh my, I am crying and not ready for my babies to grow up. I am not ready for teenagers! That was beautiful Dana. Just beautiful.
Thanks, Tara. I’m not ready either, but they seem to grow up without our permission!
This is so incredibly sweet and heartfelt. Although I am not a parent, I can understand the love and pride you have. Happy 13th to your incredible, handsome son.
Thank you so much, Kim 🙂
I have a few more years before my son turns 13 but I’m already feeling anxious about it! Lovely post Dana, I could feel the love! Depths of it!
Don’t feel anxious – just enjoy every second with your son. He’ll still be your baby no matter how big he gets.
Beautiful – happy birthday to Evan!
Thanks Lisa!
Dana, this is just beautiful. You have truly captured the bitter-sweetness of growing up. Happy birthday to your son!!
Thanks, Rabia. Nothing says “you’re getting old” than your baby becoming a teenager!
Oh I have chills. I always say words have power, the words you write are nuclear. I love the love you feel for your children. And that you can write it down and remember it for ever. That you see the moments in between that mean so much, to both of you. Congrats on his Bar Mitzvah and on your boy that is still a boy and always will be in your eyes.
You are so sweet, Kerri – thank you! I don’t pour my heart out too often, but when I do it all comes gushing forth.
You reduced me to tears. Again. Such a beautiful and heartfelt post.
You and my mom are pretty easy to bring to tears 🙂 Looking forward to seeing you for the big day!
Wow! So beautiful and so powerful. These words are a gift to your son that he will appreciate more and more as he gets older and especially when he becomes a parent himself. I see another Listen To Your Mother piece here!
Thanks Mo!
When I read your blog I often wonder:
“When did Dana learn that? I am struck by the fact that you no longer have all your new experiences with Mom or me. Such a significant part of your life is spent without us, but I remember when Mommy and Daddy were the center of your existence.”
That sentiment is persistent.
Please hug my grandson one more time for me and Mom.
You make me proud.
Love you,
Dad
I’m sure that sentiment is persistent – I often think about you and Mom as I experience these emotional parenting experiences. I will give him that hug, and you can give him one yourself on Saturday! And making you proud makes me proud. xoxo
Well, I’m a sniffling mess too. I was just noticing last night how tall my seven year old has gotten – it pains me to think about how fast he’ll be 13. And I wish I had saved his baby shoes…
Save the smallest pair he has now – at least you’ll be able to compare them to the boats he’ll most likely end up wearing. And the feet were what grew first – they are a bit disproportionate right now!
Such a sweet post. I can always count on Drew for a hug. And he still asks me to “tuck him in” at night. There’s no actual tucking, I think he just likes me to check in on him before bed, even when I actually go to sleep before him!
That is sweet – love our boys. Most nights my kids come tuck me in, since the rule is if Mom is in bed already, she’s not getting out. They have to come to me. Jeez, I’m old.
This is beautiful. I have two boys. One is 16 and I marvel at how he has changed over the last few years. One is almost 12 and about to go through all those changes. My mom heart feels such pride when I see my boys becoming men, but bittersweet sadness when I know they’re not my little boys anymore. Your post captures all of that.
That’s exactly what I was trying to capture, so thank you for feeling that. So much of parenting is bittersweet, isn’t it?
You’re an amazing mother and the memories you give your children will be with them forever
Love you
It helps to be surrounded by amazing friends who love your kids like they are their own (except less annoying!) xoxo
Dana, I am bawling right now! Seriously, such a beautiful passage right here and felt exactly the way you were feeling when you wrote this and my heart ached and yet filled with all the love that you have for your almost teenage son. Hugs and I am so not ready for the teenage years myself just yet. Just hoping that time stand still a bit longer here myself.
If I could figure out how to make time stand still, I’d do it for you, Janine. Just hug those girls tight every day!
Thanks. ..I was especially missing Simon this am and now I’m a blubbering mess. For some reason it is much easier for me to let my girls grow up. I used to think it was because he is my first but maybe it’s because he’s my son. With his 14th birthday hitting us on Tuesday, our reunion after a month and a half on Monday I will hug him and think of this post. Thanks D.
PS I miss you.
Miss you too! I’m so excited for you to see Simon again. And why is it a little easier for girls? I do think it’s a mother/son thing and not a birth order thing. I’m sure personality has something to do with it too.
I am all teary eyed now. Maybe because my son is coming home tomorrow and I missed him fierce. He is eleven now but I can relate to so much of what you said in the post. Gah, I need to go find a tissue.
Found one? Good. Give your son a huge hug tomorrow – I can imagine how excited you are to see him!
You’ve done it again! I’m crying into my coffee over here. I love the relationship you have with your kids, and I can so identify with that of a son. As eager as I am for the boys to be more independent, I’m really trying to cherish these days I have with them, alone, as the center of their universe. One day I’ll wake up and they’ll be 13 and I just cannot imagine.
A beautiful tribute to your handsome son!
Thank you Allie – sorry to make you cry. I can’t imagine what it must be like to have two boys the same age – you go through things once but it’s twice as strong!