I felt like a grown-up when I started my first real job. When I got married. When I had a baby. There were nights when Matt was out of town, and I tucked my baby and preschooler into their beds before settling in my own. On those nights, I looked around our home with a vague sense of surprise. Surprise that I was responsible for seeing two human beings through their day, for feeding them, clothing them, loving them. I felt like a grown-up, yet it was still slightly incredible to me that I was the one in charge.
While I remember a great deal of my own childhood, I don’t remember what it felt like to be three, or seven, or even eleven years old. But I remember what it felt like to be a teenager, and adolescent me is still a significant part of who forty-something me is today.
This is why it is completely surreal to me that I have a teenager. Two. Because that was just me, a few years ago. A few years in my head that are twenty-five in reality.
Experiencing the milestones of adolescence were tough enough the first time. Living through them as a parent is like watching a movie that I can’t pause. Middle school, high school, SAT, college searches – I’m a passenger this time, not a driver.
I’ve been a passenger, literally, for the past nine months, as Gwen sat behind the wheel and learned to drive. I wasn’t ready to begin, but she was.
Last week, Matt took her to the MVA to take her skills test. I waited at home, feeling like I wanted to throw up. Forty-five minutes after her appointment, Matt called me, ready to explode. This is the story he tells me:
Gwen finishes the parking portion of the test, and is ready to head out onto the road. I give her the thumbs up, but she shakes her head. She turns off the car and the MVA guy gets out, and motions for me to come over. The inside of the windshield is streaky, he says, and you need to clean it.
I used my saliva and a handful of Chick Fil-A napkins to clean the glass. Tester guy gets back in, but the spit clean is not up to par. If you don’t have something in the car to clean the windshield with, he says, I’ll have to disqualify the car.
Disqualifying the car means an automatic failure. I motion to Gwen to pop the trunk (she pops the gas tank first, a skill she needs to work on), and by the grace of God I find some wipes in a first-aid kit in the trunk. I scrub the window again, muttering a few choice words not quite under my breath. Jerk Man deems the glass clean enough, and off they go.
She passed. Unlike her mother, my baby passed on the first try. I am relieved and thrilled and terrified. When she went out for her first solo ride, I followed her using the Find My Friends app, refreshing the location like a lunatic to watch her progress. I didn’t monitor her drive home, because I know I can’t do that forever.
I have many friends who have teenage drivers. They worry, I’m sure, but they don’t let it paralyze them. I need to do the same.
I think back to those nights when I felt like a rock star for being completely responsible for two small human beings. I’ve gotten used to being in charge, and now I have to relinquish some of that control. That’s how it should be, but it doesn’t make it easy.
I’m doing it though, because that is what grown-ups do.
you just brought back a horrible memory because i failed my first driver’s test. i was an awful teenage driver!
Remember that when you have a teenage driver, Catherine, and hope that he is better than you were!
Oy! The stuff I am not looking forward too. While I passed my drivers test the first time, I had a few fender benders in the beginning. Your “mom of teenagers” posts always terrorize me 🙂
I’m sorry, Tara – they aren’t meant to terrorize you! If I can do it, you can do it.
Big apologies for getting over here so late to this post! It’s a great one at that, Dana. Huge congrats to your daughter! That is such a huge moment in both a teenagers life and the parents lives! I had never heard of the strict requirements on the windshield but it does make sense however annoying the tester may have been. Ironic you should mention childhood and teenage years for yourself, as mine have been on my mind recently. Back to the driving…I had a huge investment in my dog sitter’s learning to drive several years ago because I knew that she would be driving Phoenix around each day with her. It seemed to all work out but later down the road she got busted for driving too fast and alcohol in the car. Ummm, her dad is highway patrol lieutenant so that went over well 🙂 Wishing your sweetie safe travels with her new found freedom and immense responsibilities. I really enjoyed reading this 🙂
I appreciate that Mike – thank you. Gwen has been doing well so far, so fingers crossed!
Oh Dana, why why does this post give me heart squeezes and worry and so much love? You’re doing it. I dread the day and wow. Wow wow – also lame that the driver grader dude said he’d disqualify the car for streaks on the windshield? Yikes. Congratulations mama! Also I am SO going to be the mom following behind in her own car. Hopefully by then technology will mean not needing to refresh as often as you did. Great post Dana! <3
No you won’t follow in your car. You will let go when he’s ready – I know you will. And I will say that when Gwen offered to pick her brother up from a friend’s house today, it was FABULOUS.
I remember when my first son started driving, I was TERRIFIED.
He stood there w/ the keys and I thought, “O, No, what can I do? I’m so scaaaaaaaaaared.”
“What’s wrong, mom? It will be okay.”
“Grab my hand,” I said. “Our Father who art in Heaven……..”
I had to give it to God!!!!
xx
I have to do that too, Kim – I’m working on it!
I’m thankful that I can still regulate where they go and when and I do dread when I have to watch them drive off!! {{hugs}} Dana! I can well imagine what you must be feeling!
And, yes, that guy does sound like a jerk!!
It will take some getting used to, that’s for sure!
I can’t even make my brain think about my six year old getting behind the wheel. OK, it’s ten years away but I think we all know that’s really ten minutes, right? Because “mom years” is a real thing.
I don’t know how you kept it together with that driver test guy – oh, wait, grownups do that. I’m going to remember this and toss a container of wipes in my car from now on. And I just stopped carting those around when Kidzilla turned five, too…
Those wipes always come in handy – no matter how old you (or your kids) are. I couldn’t even imagine Gwen driving when she was six either…fortunately they grow gradually enough that by the time they get to a milestone, you’re ready. Kinda.
I think that’s probably very true – you kind of get a little push to get you over the hump when it’s time. I didn’t think I could handle a few she’s passed already and somehow you do it.
My Daughter has asked me for a wipe no less than ten times in the last week when we were out somewhere. All of a sudden she wants them all the time. Guess I’ll be putting that travel pack back in my bag…
You should, and you never know when they will come in handy to clean your windshield!
I’m getting a tension headache just reading this!!!! UGH I have two sons – I’m not ready for them to drive EVER. I have at least 5 years and that’s way too soon.
I am astonished when it dawns on me I’m an adult.
I never realized so many other women feel this way, Beth – I thought it was just me! And with two boys, you better start socking away the money for car insurance now. Gwen’s is high enough, and girls are cheaper. Ugh.
I’m many moons past my teen/early-adult years (alright eons, if you must know), and I have no kids of my own (sadly), but I’ve been hands and hearts-on involved in raising and loving a few children. I’ve also been through the releasing part. From my perspective, it seemed like all the stages parents go through with their children while raising them could seem tough at times and difficult. But releasing them! Hardest part by far! That I know for certain! Think I’m probably still trying to get past it! I absolutely loved this post, Dana!!! Thank you for reminding us all to better appreciate the stages of life as they happen – because stages come and go so fast. 🙂
You are so right, Marcia – the releasing is the hardest part, no matter what form that takes. And whether they are your children or not, if you love them, it’s hard to let go.
Congratulations for even getting through that milestone! I was so nervous about driving that I had to have a few extra hours before getting my license. And because of that, I know I’ll be a wreck when my kids learn to drive. Total wreck. But you did it, you’re getting through this phase, even if it’s as a passenger. And when all the hormones have leveled out, I bet you’re going to very comfortable in the passenger seat, providing a bit of navigation along the way.
I am pretty comfortable in the passenger seat – it’s the not being there that makes me nervous! And to be honest, Matt did the lion’s share of driving with her, and all of the parking practice.
You’re living the dream, Dana, even if it feels like a wrench – you are successfully bringing those two tiny humans into capable independence. GOOD FOR YOU 😀
(well done Gwen!)
Thank you Lizzi!
It is what grown-ups do, but relinquishing control is definitely one of my struggles! Meds help, though. 🙂
Yes. This is what grown-ups do. Sigh.
I need to learn not to let it paralyze me as well. One day. My mom loves to tell the story of how she couldn’t sleep until she looked out her bedroom window and saw FIVE teenager cars parked there.
So maybe I’ll be ok with just two…
Two is good for me! She can’t drive past midnight for the first year, so I should be able to sleep okay until then.
I cannot believe the driver guy?! I have never heard of disqualifying a car for a streaked window. I’m with you on the mom paranoia. I don’t know how I will ever let one of my kids pull out of the driveway with out me. That is if I survive the passenger phase!!!!
I know – I held my breath as I watched her back out of our long driveway this morning. But she’s home and safe, and the first thing she said when she walked in the door was “I love driving.”
What…the spit shine wasn’t up to par? What an uppity MVA person. When I took mine, the van’s side window – like the third one (how many side windows do those bad boys have?) was knocked out by a damn semi truck that backed into it the night before. I booked my test months in advance (because in our city that’s how it rolls) so I couldn’t cancel. My dad rigged a garbage bag window with duct tape.
I was effing classy.
…and failed immediately.
I think my parents were secretly happy.
Jerks.
Awww – that sucks! I failed the first time too – took too long trying to parallel park. I still can’t do it.
Every so often I too feel surprised when I realize I’m an adult. I can’t say I always feel like one, but I guess I’ve been one for awhile now 😉
Congrats to Gwen for passing her driver’s test! It must be absolutely terrifying to have a child just starting to drive. Oy. I hate to think about Eve doing that one day, mostly because driving around the Boston area is a bit of a free-for-all sometimes.
We are taking it slow to start – she’s comfortable on the highway, but she’s not going out on her own right away. Baby steps, for mom more than for daughter.
Dana, I love every word of this and can definitely relate!! My son is now counting down the days until he’s allowed to drive his friends around….and we’re getting close to that official date. Deep breaths!
Deep breaths for sure! I’m glad we have some time until that day comes at our house, although driving around her brother stresses me out enough!
Yes, turning kids loose on the road is THE hardest part of parenting by far.
It is! So much to worry about.
Never heard of being disqualified for a dirty windshield! I can only imagine how it feels to watch your daughter drive away alone for the first time. My oldest is 12 1/2, so I have less than four years to go. Four years!!!??!?!?!?! I’ll me calling you to talk me down off a ledge that day!
I’ll be here! In four years I’ll have two drivers and one of them will be in college. 🙁
Just reading this gives me anxiety for you. I simply can’t imagine watching that car drive away for the first time. Good luck. And I still feel 27 so I totally get it.
Oh, I cried today when she drove to school. But a minute later she came back – it was so cold that the windshield didn’t have time to defrost. The hazards of not parking in the garage!
Have you watched Gwen drive away with her younger brother in the seat beside her yet? That was the hardest for me. Before you know it, you’ll be asking her to pick her brother up from all of his activities!
He went with her on her first drive! That was rough. The two of them are already planning their runs to Dunkin Donuts!
Lol. Anyone with kids knows how you feel.
I suppose, although I don’t think anything prepares you for a teenager driver!
Boo to the instructor – if she could see then what was his problem?!
Jordan has been driving himself everywhere since November – I still make him text me when he gets someplace and before he leaves. It gives me a little bit of a sense of still having control.
SO not ready for this! I still feel like a teenager most of the time too. Where did the time go!?!
I think it’s hard to see ourselves as grownups sometimes because of that exact subtle reality you pointed out– how adolescence is still so much a part of us.
Please move here and take care of me when my kids learn to drive!
What a story!!
So happy Matt found those wipes!
As always, you totally capture the essence of my feelings Dana. I often feel like how did I come to be this mom, with these kids, that I’m responsible for, to reign in and let go at the same time. Because I could swear I’m still in 8th grade…
Love this line: “…adolescent me is still a significant part of who forty-something me is today.” So true for me as well.
I’m glad to hear that, Nicki! Sometimes I wonder if I’m the only one who still feels like a teenager, even if it’s only in a small place inside.
I can totally relate as my teen will be getting his license soon and I’m already panicky… like you said, we just have to let go and give up some of that control… I don’t want to! But, I will… if at least to prevent myself from going completely insane… haha.
So true – we have to give up some control or we will explode!
Oh Dana!!! What a story!!! I can only imagine how stressful that was for your hubs and daughter!!! Oh thank GOD he found some wipes!!!
And girl, please oh please be near me when I begin this season of motherhood. I swear I was 16 yesterday…
36 years flies fast. I will be gps-ing my daughter and NOT letting go. So I’ll need your help.
Hang in there mama!!!
I will hang in there, and will gladly give you some support when you need it. We have to hold each other up, right?
I can relate to so much of this – feeling like I shouldn’t be the one in charge, like it was only a few months ago that I graduated from high school and college and I’m fearful for the future!! I take so much pleasure in knowing where my boys are, pretty much every moment of every day. I don’t know how I will make it though the (second) set of teenage years. With twins.
That is so absurd about the windshield!!! I give your daughter a ton of credit for keeping her cool and passing. That is freakin awesome. For her anyway… 🙂
It is awesome for her, and I’m really proud of her. And nervous. She took her brother with her on her first drive (to my parents), and it was so weird. I suppose I’ll get used to it, but I don’t see that happening any time soon.
It’s a scary thing to watch them drive off for the first time. I still panic a little inside when I get an unexpected call from my teenagers. I don’t want to hear bad news. You’ll embrace the driving pretty quickly though. It is wonderful to not have to take them everywhere!
I’m sure it is, Marie – I’m counting on it!
firstvoff that instructor sounded miserable and admit I got lucky with my instructor back when I took my test as we had a ton of snow on the ground. So when it came time for the parallel parking portion, she judged against the snow curb not real curb for me. Still remember that. But still congrats to your girl 😉
We were praying for no snow the day of the test! It snowed a ton the next day, so she got lucky.