I used to say too much, too soon. She’s like me, my first-born and only daughter. She vomits her thoughts and worries out on the people who love her most, and then takes the time to sift through the carnage and decides all is not the gloom and doom she first imagined. I want to clean up the mess, of course, and help my child navigate through adolescence, and now young adulthood.
I said too much. I couldn’t keep my mouth shut. Despite my clinician training (listen, listen, listen), I couldn’t just listen. I had to give my two cents, my words of wisdom. I’m the parent, after all. Don’t I know better?
It never ended well. I tried to fix things that weren’t even things to be fixed yet. It took me too long, longer than I’d like to admit, to figure out that letting her vent and moan and complain and worry was what she needed. Then she’d figure things out on her own, and I didn’t have to play the role of mean mom or mom-who-just-doesn’t-understand.
He uses fewer words than his older sister, but they’re in his head, swirling around. I say most of what I think, so it’s tough to parent this kid. He doesn’t need to talk as much as I do, as she does. He’s like his father in that way, and it’s taken the two of us decades to figure out how to communicate in a way that satisfies us both.
I ask too many questions of my son, I repeat things, I bug him. I ask questions because I am interested in his life, I repeat things because he doesn’t always acknowledge he heard me, and I bug him because I am his mother. I can almost see the eye roll as soon as my mouth opens, before I even utter a sound.
I wonder what it will be like when he goes to college in the fall. She and I talk a few times a week, and we send Snapchats daily. Will he even pick up the phone? His texts are usually one or two words, and his rare Snapchats are of the top of his head or the toe of his shoe. Will he discover he misses talking to his annoying mother? As I remind him occasionally, I do actually know things, and he may benefit from that knowledge.
I don’t consider myself a big talker, but clearly I speak too much where my kids are concerned. Less is more, I’ve learned. Although sometimes I just can’t win. “Aren’t you going to say something?” I’ve been asked, when anything I say would be wrong. Most times, though, I can nod and sympathize, or murmur something unintelligible and therefore inoffensive.
I used to say too much, and much of what I said was the wrong thing to say. I’m learning to hold my tongue, and I’m getting the hang of this parenting thing, two decades in.
THIS—> Although sometimes I just can’t win. “Aren’t you going to say something?” I’ve been asked, when anything I say would be wrong.
I bet I did that to my mom, too. The cycle goes on and on.
Yep! The circle of life – you can never please a teenager.
Me too, Dana, me too. I’m getting better at listening. Sometimes I want to ask questions, but I force myself to wait. I think I’m getting better; I bet my kids would say otherwise. We will keep trying.
Yes, we will!
I feel like society exaggerates gender differences too much but that said!!! Ha! Almost all the women in my life including myself are the vent type and the men are the work it out in their heads type first before they ever speak. Even if there’s nothing to work out. I can’t count how many times I’ve said to my husband, please just acknowledge with a slight head nod so I don’t have to keep repeating myself! I’m not talking for my health. (Or maybe I am.)
Well, I do think talking it out is healthy…I’d rather let it out than hold it all in.
Less is more. I need to repeat that one over and over. My son and I – wow, we had our first major blowout on Friday. I wish I had said less. Oh, and I wish he had said less (way less), too. I’ve only received one word and phrases for months, and then he let it all out. Dana! Ugh. Sorry. Been a rough week:).
Oh, I’m sorry, Allie. It’s hard to be on the receiving end of an explosion like that. I hope the second half of your week is better than the first. xoxo
My favorite thing to remember is something my sister-in-law says. “ The hardest thing about raising independent children is that you are raising independent children!”
That’s very true!
I’m waiting to see how this talking thing pans out for Christopher and I. I want to be more than just the person who reminds him what needs to be done – all the stuff we do as mothers. I hope you get some daily texts from him ❤️
I think I will. He will definitely talk to me; I just need to let him initiate instead of peppering him with questions.
I have two girls as you know, but I am pretty sure with the teen years I may here somewhat you are hearing from your son as I know when I myself was that age, I definitely acted similar to your son and yet other times more like your daughter. So, I am honestly just waiting for it, I suppose and hope I can say similarly that I have the parenting thing down by that point, as well!
I hope you do, Janine!