I’m guilty of that sometimes. I want everything to be planned, all options considered, and everything in its place. Often this methodical approach serves me well, but it can also cause me to miss experiencing or creating random and spontaneous moments.
My daughter is a huge fan of a band who is playing in the Jingle Ball concert next week. It is on Monday night, and I was glad that tickets were sold out. If she went, I would worry about how she would get all of her homework done, how late she would get home, and how tired she would be the next day.
When her friend’s dad won tickets, however, my worries were no longer hypothetical. A Monday night is not ideal, but how can she NOT go? She’ll do as much homework as she can over the weekend, and she’ll be tired on Tuesday. It will be a little messy and a little inconvenient, but that’s not a good enough reason to miss an amazing experience.
Everything doesn’t have to be perfect to begin. Messy can be okay.
In my mid-twenties, I had a job I didn’t love in a career I was rethinking. As I combed the employment section in the newspaper, I spotted a job opening at a college nearly an hour from my home. I mentioned it to Matt, regretting that this seemingly perfect fit was too far away.
“Just apply,” he suggested. “If you get the job, then you can worry about the commute.”
I like to worry before, not after. But I took his advice and applied for the job. I got it, and I took it. The commute sucked, but it was a concession that was worth making. Everything wasn’t perfect, but it was good enough.
I’ve never had the courage to just jump in without thinking. It isn’t always courageous, though. Sometimes jumping in without thinking is rash. Sometimes it’s foolish. But often it simply takes guts, and the confidence to know that you can handle whatever comes next.
Sometimes you think you can handle what comes next, but you can’t.
By example, I’m raising two children who are planners. Since they were small, they’ve asked “What are we doing today?” and I’ve listed the things on our agenda. Like me, they take comfort in knowing what the future holds. Yet there are times when I need to encourage them to go with the flow. Some days we don’t know what we are going to do. Some days are messy.
I’ve done them a disservice, I think. I want them to embrace the unplanned moments and welcome the spontaneity. It’s something I’m working on, and I hope they will discover that they don’t always have to wait for the moment when everything is absolutely ready.
Awesome things that can happen when they aren’t ready.
Awesome things happen, like a holiday flash mob. It was spontaneous, and out of my comfort zone, and definitely not perfect. But it was awesome. I wrote about it last year, but I’m going to share it again. If you’ve already seen the video, that means you’ve been here for at least a year – thank you! If you haven’t, what are you waiting for?
What is the last spontaneous thing you did?
That quote is a good one. I’ve always been a jumper-in but would probably be better served planning more. My daughter, however, seems to thrive on routine and knowing what is to come, and realizing that this is better for her, has been a challenge for me, but an important lesson. We all lean a certain way, and while balance is important, it’s okay, I think, to honor who we are. That said, I love that your husband encouraged you to apply for that perfect job (sans commute). It’s important for the planners to have leapers close to them, and vice versa. We can help round out each other!
I completely agree with you, Dana. Planners and leapers can make a great pair.
Excellent. And love that quote. Going to pin it now.
It’s a good one, isn’t it? I get the Goodreads quote of the day (which you may have written about?) – and when I read that one, it struck a chord.
I am the same way. A planner as well. When life zigs I’m now used to telling people I’ll be okay in a minute but that I have to readjust my mind. My daughter is already the same way. She needs to know the plan. My husband is the spontaneous one who reminds me I can’t possibly be prepared for all eventualities so just jump in already!
I’m finding that many couples are one of each – a planner and a jumper-inner. That makes sense; I wouldn’t want to be married to someone just like me!
I am exactly the same way. I don’t like to do anything until I’m 100% ready and it’s all planned out. I’d be the kind of person to build in spontanaeity… Life really doesn’t work that way, does it? Good for you for letting your daughter have this experience, and I love the flash mob video!
Thanks Leslie! She had an awesome time and is probably paying the price of getting home at 12:30 last night. But I know she thinks it was worth it.
I prefer to plan too. But I try to be spontaneous. For example, yesterday we suddenly decided to go out for lunch. That was okay. But I admit, I prefer plans. I like to know what the heck is going on.
I do too, Amber. It’s a control thing, I think. It’s hard to change!
And another YES! I really wished you lived next door – I’d be a much better neighbor than the naked people…
I, too, crave a plan. And, yes, I’ve molded my kids to that thinking. You’re right, though, we need to be more comfortable with messy, because that’s how life rolls. I need constant reminders to do this… let’s help each other out, ok?
Here’s a great quote for this post. It strikes a balance between the rigid plan and the messy spontaneous:
“Only someone who is well prepared has the opportunity to emprovise.” Ingmar Bergman.
Like that?
You would be a better neighbor, Julia – and we could share books! And yes, let’s remind each other often.
LOVE that quote. Seriously – thank you so much for sharing that with me! Remember those dictionary pages I told you about that I found on etsy? I may have that quote put on one of those. That’s my life in a nutshell!
I worry before, during and after. Like you, I worry (sigh) that I am passing this onto Abby. That she wants to know exactly what is going to happen when. That because I must plan, she is learning that trait. I worry more the older I get. Her father is the exact opposite. He makes no plans and it just works out, which drives me nuts. But I miss those days when I would follow his lead, put a tent in the car and just head out for a long weekend with no destination in mind. My hope is that Abby gets the mix of us, my planning and his daring.
I think she will, Kerri. Matt isn’t super spontaneous, but he is more that I am. Sometimes I want to tell my kids to just relax and go with it, but I know it’s hard to do!
Love this one, Dana! I want my kids to embrace the unplanned roads as well. A great reminder for us all!. All the best, Erin
Thanks, Erin!
I worry about everything before as well. Afterwards I always regret the waste of time, I just can’t seem to stop. I can’t believe I haven’t seen the video before – loved it! Your captions were very funny.
Thanks, Stephanie – I had to include something to keep you watching for the few minutes! It’s not very entertaining on its own.
What an excellent post, my friend, and I’m not surprised it resonated with many! I could SO identify with the notion of liking to worry BEFORE not after, but you (and Turgenev) are so right and sometimes it’s better to just plunge in. Reading this reminded me of something I read recently in Gretchen Rubin’s Happiness at Home (the sequel to The Happiness Project, which you should totally read, if you haven’t, because I think you’ll love it) and it was a sentence that she formulated about not letting the perfect become the enemy of the good. LOVED this, Dana!
Thank you Katia! I do have to read The Happiness Project – adding it to my list right now. Not letting the perfect become the enemy of the good. YES.
I’m a total planner too. Drives my husband crazy when I’m making plans months in advance. One thing I learned though is that usually by the time it happens, so much has changed that all that detailed planning wasn’t even necessary. Weirdly though I try not to worry before something has happened. I tell myself I’ll worry about it when it happens, but for now, no point in thinking about it.
I try that too – with varying success. And you’re right about the planning. I actually can end up wasting time planning for something that can’t really be planned.
“Messy can be okay.” Thanks for this permission Dana. I forget that sometimes. Like you, I’m a big planner and worrier about future maybes. With three kids and two weeks worth of mostly homebound winter vacation, I expect things will definitely get messy. I’m gonna try and go with it.
Winter vacation can definitely get messy. I try to go with it too; things usually turn out better if I just go with the flow. Good luck to you, Lisa!
I’m a planner, too and feel like I have imparted the same thing to my boys. However I’m working on trying to have at least some spontaneity in my world – some days it happens and many days are still planned.
I’m happy that I’ve been reading your blog for at least a year – I remember when you shared the flash mob video.
I’m happy too, Kim. You were on 43’s when we met, and I hope to still be reading when you get to 50’s!
Me, too Dana!!!
I am much more of a planner than I am a spontaneous kind of girl. We just rearranged our entire holiday plans to go visit my family in Illinois for Christmas so I’m going to go with that!
I saw that on FB, NJ – it sounds like it’s what you need to do. Glad you are just going with it!
You are so right that everything doesn’t need to be perfect. I want things to be perfect and will wait to do things until they are, but truthfully, the best things that have happened to me have been messy and unplanned 🙂
Exactly! But it’s hard not to wait until that perfect moment. The problem is that sometimes it doesn’t come.
The last spontaneous thing I did was actually last night! Cassidy was out all night at his work holiday party. I was sleeping on the couch at 5:00pm. I got up and had both kids bundle up and then we went to see Santa, ride a train, get some hot cocoa.. and then.. I took them both to a pizza restaurant.
That last part didn’t go so well, actually, and Des screamed so much that we enjoyed pizza at home.
The thought was there, though.
You strike me as the spontaneous type, Tamara – at least in terms of doing family things. I think that’s awesome, especially while your kids have no other commitments yet. Well, Des screaming isn’t awesome, but two year olds will do that.
I’m mostly a planner. It’s pretty much the only way to survive. But Number 2 son is all about the spontaneity. So he is in there, keeping it real! Fun video, BTW.
Thanks, Anna! It was a really fun experience.
We had a flash mob dance at my daughter’s wedding planned by my son-in-law’s sister. I was a nervous wreck beforehand but then loved that we pulled it off. More importantly the bride and groom loved it. I guess, like you, I need to let go sometimes and let my spontaneous side show.
Oh, that sounds like it was so fun! Spontaneous is almost always fun and good, but it still stresses me out.
I really enjoyed reading this! I struggle daily with this, so much so that I beat myself up and wind up feeling worn down. Thank you for posting!!
I’m glad you enjoyed it, Jess! It helps to know that we planners are not alone, and that other women face the same challenges.
I’m pretty spontaneous in general but am totally not a planner or organized very well. While it’s fun to randomly say “lets go _____!” and IS fun, I don’t always think it through… I’m glad Gwen is going to the concert and it WILL be worth it. I remember every single concert I went to in High School. They all were a blast. And YOU in the flash mob!!! I remember that!! So so so cool!
I don’t do many cool things, so I really cling to the ones I do. And I cannot tell you how excited Gwen is for the concert!
I used to be totally spontaneous. Loved it. Then I had twins and had plan everything, even when to go to the bathroom. Now? I’m neither. No time for spontaneity and my plans almost alwats go awry!
Ha – that’s what having kids will do to you, right?
I’ve always been a planner. In college when we would go on a trip I was almost always the one who took charge organizing. In my adulthood, while I’m still very much a planner, I have learned to be a little more spontaneous. To go on last-minute walks with new mom friends instead of heading home while Eve naps so I can get work done, or to decide last-minute to go out somewhere with her (which is easier in theory as it takes at least 20 minutes to get out of the house with her). I think there need to be planners, though, in this world, or things like these awesome flash mobs wouldn’t happen!
You’re right, Bev – we need both kinds of people. And ideally we would be a little of both, which I try to be.
Dana!!
Same Pinch!!!
I always think before I act, and that has made me miss many opportunities in life. But, sometimes—sometimes I jump and the result is just amazing that how resilient even I can be at this age 🙂
Wishing you the same!
xoxo
You’re right, Ruchira – we can be resilient no matter how old we are. I rarely regret being spontaneous; I should do it more often!
You didn’t want to do the flash mob again this year?
I am a big planner but also am spontaneous now and again. I like to mix it up 🙂
There hasn’t been a flash mob since then, Kate! Bummer.
Well said Dana. And thanks for the reminder about the flash mob and how spontaneous I can be when I have the time to plan it out.
Ha – exactly! It’s still one of the cooler things of done. Watching the video always makes me smile.
My husband and son are so laid back, planning things used to give me a stomachache. I could get them to do it, but I wouldn’t be on time. I’ve relaxed a lot and I still plan things, but I try to go with the flow most days!
That’s smart, April – I’m sure going with the flow makes life more enjoyable!
I’m such a planner so things don’t often get spontaneous around here – of course have two 5 year-olds calls for agendas!! I do enjoy being spontaneous though and my husband definitely leads the way for it. I love that yours told you to apply for the job and worry after. I’m a worrier before too 🙂
Yes, the phrase, “we’ll worry about it later” holds no meaning for me. Thankfully Matt helps me in that area!
So jealous you were in a flash mob!
I used to be a total planner. But somewhere along the line I had to let go for my own sanity because I wanted so badly to control where everyone was going to be all the time, and there were too many of them and exponentially more uncontrollable variables. And now I drive everyone crazy with my apparent inability to plan… Of course I always take it to extremes! I love that: Awesome things happen when you’re not ready. Words to live by! Thank you, Dana.
So you swung to the other side, Nicki? I have let go to an extent, and I really only need to control my own stuff. Everyone else is on their own!
And the flash mob is cool, right? I’m so glad I did it.
Ha, wowee do we have some common denominators in our personalities, Dana! I like to plan everything out so that each detail is accounted for with all variables also taken into consideration. Ok, that’s a wee bit of an embellishment but there is a lot of truth to it. Over the past 11 years I also regained a lot of spontaneity I used to have when I was younger. But, since I lost my kid in August I’ve reverted back to a lot of old bad patterns. Except for getting on that plane! Ok, I just completely contradicted myself. Life has been very convoluted the past 3 months. I like that you are taking a long look at some of these things within you for your kids. I want you to know I loved that video! I actually watched it twice. I wish we something exactly like that here in Reno that I could go to with a girl/friend. And we the readers could see more of you if that message bar didn’t keep going to the bottom of the screen! LOL Love the post and have a great weekend! 🙂
I’m not great at videos, Mike – you know how long it took me to figure out how to add text to it? Trust me, you didn’t miss much! But I’m glad you enjoyed it.
I am 85% a planner and 15% spontaneous I’d say. I really have to focus on being spontaneous and I wonder if that is a result of the cards I’ve been dealt. Before I had kids was I spontaneous? I’m not sure. My daughter has been a planner since she was wee. “Where will you be when my class is finished? what’s for dinner tomorrow night?” My son is less verbal about it but he makes lists. Copious lists.
I have to say I was very proud of myself today. We drove by a gas station and the price was lower than it’s been in months. I wheeled in and bought gas even though I wasn’t planning on it. Wahoo!!! Take that 85%!
My kids sound like yours, Kelly. And way to be 15% spontaneous with the gas – you’re such a rebel!
This sounds like me. I like to plan and I worry about something too spontaneous. I can totally relate to your thought process on the concert. My husband is always the one that’s willing to jump in and do things outside the box and I keep trying to learn that skill!
My husband is more like that, too – we compliment each other well.
Still love seeing you in that flash mob video and like you I am working on my sponteneity too 😉
It’s tough planning to be spontaneous, isn’t it?